Today I had an appointment with the therapist here at the cancer center. I had seen him while I was going through treatments because lets be honest, I was a mess. He helped me tremendously. He helped me deal with the reality of what I was facing for myself and my kids. The last time I saw him was right before surgery in September of last year. I have been doing very well, or so I thought, since then so there was no need to see him. On Wednesday I had a complete breakdown in my oncologists office, kind of awkward since I work with him too. I told him, ok my friend Maria told him, I was not ok. I was angry, I was telling everyone that I was fine. I was putting on a smile and being the positive person I am supposed to be. He suggested that I go and speak with the therapist again, I was dealing with things that no one could understand and I didn't want people to judge me or think I was ungrateful for this second chance I was given. So, I have learned how to keep most things to myself and constantly say I am fine. It eventually became too much to keep in and it all came flooding out.
I can say that today's appointment was probably one of the best appointments I have had. The things that he was saying to me actually made sense. For the first time I felt like someone truly understood what was going on inside my mind, I felt like someone was being honest and not just sugar coating everything. He asked me about my anger, I told him I was angry. I was angry this happened, I was angry Gabrielle was having a hard time, I was angry that no one understood, and I was angry that I haven't emotionally/mentally "healed" yet. He asked me how I was while at work, I told him oddly enough I am fine. He repeated himself and told me to now answer him honestly. Well, he asked for it. I was not ok at work, actually in the one place where everyone should understand, I feel like no one understands. I feel like for the 6 hours a day that I am there I have to be happy, I have to be positive, I have to say life is great. I feel like I have to do these things for the other cancer patients, I feel like I have to be the poster child for cancer survivors around my co-workers,when in all honesty I want to tell them how much this sucks, how hard it is to move on. He moved forward in his chair, looked right at me and said "I am about to blow your mind with something", not gonna lie I was a little nervous. He said all the posters, pamphlets, motivational speakers, everything that society has put on cancer survivors is complete bullshit. You are expected to be positive at all times, you are expected to always say how grateful you are, you are expected to end chemo/surgery/radiation and instantly transition back into "normal" life again, you are expected to be everything but honest. He was right.
Once you are diagnosed with cancer everyone tells you the same thing. You are strong. You can do this. It's no fun but it's doable. Time will fly by. All these things are truthful but what people leave out is how the road to recovery is more difficult then actually getting the chemo, then actually having surgery. I can't explain it fully unless you have been there. When you are going through chemotherapy you sit in a chair with an IV hooked up to you while toxins are entering your body, those toxins are doing a service to you, no matter how much they suck. When you are getting radiation, again it is doing something positive for you in the long run, even though you get radiation burns. Same thing goes for surgery, its serving a purpose. Once its all over and in my case you had a bilateral mastectomy looking at yourself is a reminder everyday, that will never get easier. I can't not go a day without thinking about it because I have to take my shirt off. Sure I have implants so no one would ever know but I can see the twelve scars. I live everyday in fear that it will come back. Any cancer patient who says they don't just doesn't want to admit to it. I was told that I have an 83% chance of living ten years disease free. Statistically looking at that, I have pretty good odds. The thing is I see the 17% percent. Why would I be in the 83% when I was in the minority to begin with. It was rare for this to happen to me but it did. So in my mind the odds are already stacked against me. Today my therapist told me that I will not ever be that other person again, I will always be the cancer patient and that is not a bad thing. It is the way society has placed a certain image that cancer survivors are supposed to live by. And he was right. I have spoken to other breast cancer patients, I have been there for others while they got chemo, I have tried to tell them all is going to be ok, and it turns out I was just doing to them what everyone has done to me.
Truth be told. This sucks! The road to recovery IS harder then the actual fight. You can't just put it behind you and move on because this will be a part of you forever (how you choose to deal is a personal decision for everyone). Living every day like its the last day you are going to be in remission is a great way to live, it shouldn't have happened in the first place but it did, it's ok to NEVER accept that it was you. It is ok to cry for no reason or cry and not have to make up an excuse. It is ok to have days were you just want to talk about what happened to you, it is ok to accept help and love from others no matter how many months/years you are out for treatment. Most importantly it is ok to not feel like you have it all under control at all times because like my therapist told me today, I dare one person to look me in the eye and tell me I am weak. I dare one person to tell me I don't have the right to still have these feelings. I dare one person to judge me. I am the one that sat in a chair getting chemo, I am the one that had both breasts removed, I am the one who has been radiated. I am the one who literally went to hell and back. I am the one who decides when I am healed, not society.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
My feelings
This time of year, October-January, has always been my favorite. I love Halloween, my kids birthdays, Thanksgiving, picking out our Christmas tree, Christmas shopping, Christmas, saying goodbye to another year lived and welcoming a new year (with my birthday). For some reason I am finding this time of year to be difficult this year. Last year I had so much to be thankful for, I made it through 4 months of chemotherapy, major surgery, a hospital stay, and radiation. I was thankful to be cancer free and to be alive and healthy. I am still thankful for those things, I am just finding it very very hard to be motivated to get anything done, I almost feel like I need time to slow down. I need time to wrap my head around certain aspects of my life, I need time to think about the things that I am fearing the most right now.
Being healthy. Am I a picture of health? No. Am I still cancer free? I hope so. The thing is, I haven't been feeling right lately but out of complete fear of what I went through, fearing hearing the word "recurrence", and of course fearing not being here to see Gabby and Cole grow up are something I can't deal with. I have literally been living off Xanax for the past month. I know I should talk to my oncologist about certain things but I can't. After what we just went through (and are still going through) with Gabby, I wouldn't be able to handle if something shows up on a scan. I don't want to think about the possibility of something coming back but when you wake up with headaches, feel tired all the time, can't remember anything to save your life, and feel short of breath for no reason it scares the hell out of you. I have gotten pretty good at keeping all my fears and "symptoms" to myself. These are things that I haven't even told Ryan about. I think I do this because I honestly don't know what I would do. I can't think about 2011 without having a complete breakdown. I can't think about ever sitting in that chemo chair again, I don't know how I did it the first time around. We also just went to a funeral for Ryan's uncle, who passed away from cancer, that was harder then I thought. Sitting there in the church and seeing his coffin and hearing what the preacher was saying, in my mind I was picturing it being me. Picturing my kids sitting there saying goodbye, imaging Ryan's life with someone else. I know that is twisted. In my heart I feel like I am ok ( at least I pray every night that I am).
Family. I know family business is personal and should be kept in the family. This is my blog and I can write my feelings about anything. This holiday season, I know it just started, is going to be a difficult one. I don't talk to my sister anymore, I don't see my nephew or niece anymore. I honestly never thought that when my journey with cancer was over that I would have lost more then just my hair, boobs, and security of a future. I never thought that I would be "picking up the pieces" of my life and moving on without the one person who was always there. I never thought this is how it was going to be. When it comes to actual family I only have the 3 people that live in my house and my parents. Ryan, my kids, and my parents are the only family that I really have. I know how important family is, I know that Ryan and I would not have survived 2011 and most of 2012, financially, without my parents. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do.
I know today is Thanksgiving and we are all supposed to be happy and enjoying the day with our families. I am happy, I am enjoying the day with my kids and husband (when he gets home from football of course), I just needed to get those things off my chest.
Being healthy. Am I a picture of health? No. Am I still cancer free? I hope so. The thing is, I haven't been feeling right lately but out of complete fear of what I went through, fearing hearing the word "recurrence", and of course fearing not being here to see Gabby and Cole grow up are something I can't deal with. I have literally been living off Xanax for the past month. I know I should talk to my oncologist about certain things but I can't. After what we just went through (and are still going through) with Gabby, I wouldn't be able to handle if something shows up on a scan. I don't want to think about the possibility of something coming back but when you wake up with headaches, feel tired all the time, can't remember anything to save your life, and feel short of breath for no reason it scares the hell out of you. I have gotten pretty good at keeping all my fears and "symptoms" to myself. These are things that I haven't even told Ryan about. I think I do this because I honestly don't know what I would do. I can't think about 2011 without having a complete breakdown. I can't think about ever sitting in that chemo chair again, I don't know how I did it the first time around. We also just went to a funeral for Ryan's uncle, who passed away from cancer, that was harder then I thought. Sitting there in the church and seeing his coffin and hearing what the preacher was saying, in my mind I was picturing it being me. Picturing my kids sitting there saying goodbye, imaging Ryan's life with someone else. I know that is twisted. In my heart I feel like I am ok ( at least I pray every night that I am).
Family. I know family business is personal and should be kept in the family. This is my blog and I can write my feelings about anything. This holiday season, I know it just started, is going to be a difficult one. I don't talk to my sister anymore, I don't see my nephew or niece anymore. I honestly never thought that when my journey with cancer was over that I would have lost more then just my hair, boobs, and security of a future. I never thought that I would be "picking up the pieces" of my life and moving on without the one person who was always there. I never thought this is how it was going to be. When it comes to actual family I only have the 3 people that live in my house and my parents. Ryan, my kids, and my parents are the only family that I really have. I know how important family is, I know that Ryan and I would not have survived 2011 and most of 2012, financially, without my parents. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do.
I know today is Thanksgiving and we are all supposed to be happy and enjoying the day with our families. I am happy, I am enjoying the day with my kids and husband (when he gets home from football of course), I just needed to get those things off my chest.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
When you feel helpless...
As anyone who reads this blog knows that I am the proud mommy of two amazing children. My son, Cole, just turned 5 and my daughter, Gabrielle, just turned 6. They were 3 and 4 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Having worked in a cancer center all their lives they already knew what cancer was and how sick it made people. My husband and I have always been very honest with them, we never wanted to feel like we were lying to them, we wanted them to be a part of what was happening and we wanted them to be just as educated on this disease as we were. We told them as soon as I got home from the doctor that I had cancer. It wasn't like a scene out of the movies where the parents keep it to themselves and try and sugar coat everything, it wasn't overly dramatic either. I didn't cry (I think I was still numb myself), I actually don't remember telling them. I know that we told them that night and I do remember that I was trying to put on a brave face for them. I remember them just saying "ok" and going on with their night. I also remember that for the first couple weeks after I was diagnosed Ryan and I would sleep in the living room, I actually slept on my couch for 7 months. I would not sleep at night, I would wait until everyone was asleep and I would sit in the dark and just cry. I would close my eyes to try and sleep but every time I did that I would just end up yelling at God in my mind. A year and a half later and I still can't watch The Nanny on Nick at Night. That show seemed to always be on when I was having a breakdown. As we got more and more information about my cancer and what needed to be done we would tell Gabby and Cole as soon as we found out. Cole, I am not sure if it was because he was 3 or because he is a boy, but he would just say ok or cool. He was very compassionate through it all though. He would spend many hours just sitting with me on the couch or giving me his blankies to hold when I was sad. He also seems to have been able to move past everything and his little life is normal again and he still the same funny, loving Cole that he has always been. Gabrielle, she is a different story, she actually breaks my heart.
Gabrielle is one of the most caring, compassionate, intelligent (sometimes we think she is too intelligent) little girl I have ever seen. She is also her father, she keeps everything to herself, she doesn't like to make people upset, she doesn't like for people to see her upset. When she is sick she won't tell you, when she is scared she won't tell you, when she feels like she has done something wrong or if she can't fix something she gets upset. I never thought in a million years that 1 and a half years later Gabby would still be secretly dealing with how cancer affected her. Before I was diagnosed Gabby was pretty independent, she would sleep in her own bed, she would do things by herself, she would have play dates with her cousins, she would sit on the floor and watch tv or in the chair. Now, she has never liked to spend the night away from home but she never minded going somewhere for the day. Lately we noticed a big change in her, something that just wasn't Gabby. Gabby loves school and she suddenly refuses to go, she cries and says her tummy hurts and she needs to stay home, every night she asks me about 20 times if she can sleep in my bed with me or if I can sleep in her bed with her,when she does go to bed she just lays there and cries, when we are home together wherever I am, she is right there. When I am watching tv she is literally sitting on one of my legs. If I go to the store she wants to go with me. Every morning when I get up at 6:20 to get in the shower she is right there sitting in the bathroom, she follows me downstairs, she walks me to the door every morning. I wish I could stick my text thread from Ryan on here, every morning when I am driving to work I get at least 5 text messages and they always say the same thing, "I love you mommy from Gabby". I will admit that at times all these just constantly being next to me all the time have frustrated me and I have told her to please walk away, give me some space. Well, in the past week things have gone from bad to worse. Our dog got really sick, thank god we were able to put him on some meds and see how it goes, ever since that day Gabby won't go to school. She cries and refuses. I know she cries at school and gets upset because according to her "i miss my mommy", Ryan and I have always just figured that since we don't sit around and talk about cancer anymore because it is not an active part of our lives that everyone was ok. The other night, after her being home for 8 straight days, I got frustrated. I sat Gabrielle down and I told her that this was unacceptable, there was plenty of times that I didn't want to go to work but I had to go. There were many times I wanted to stay up late but I knew I had to go to bed early. I told her I didn't know what was going on with her and she needed to talk to me and tell me what was going on because mommy can't fix it if I don't know. Well, needless to say she lost it. What she told me felt like a bigger punch in the stomach then hearing "you have cancer". I picked her up and said "Gabby, what is going on? Did something happen at school?" in between sobs she said "no, I am scared because you had cancer", I reassured her that mommy was better now and that the cancer is gone, no reason to be sad. She kept going, she told me that when I was sick she was very scared I was going to go to heaven but she didn't want to make me more sad, she said she gets scared that if she is at school and the cancer comes back she doesn't know what will happen, she said that when she can see me and she knows that I am ok that makes her ok. The absolute worst part was when my 6 year old looked me in the eyes and said "I am sad that I couldn't fix you". Ugh, talk about losing it. I realized that at that point Gabby needs to talk to someone and finally get out everything that she is feeling.
All of this is just one more reason on the ever growing list to HATE cancer. I feel so hopeless because I can't help her. I can't make this all better. She is way to little to carry around this much sadness. Gabby has a very special gift and I know in my heart that all of this is going to make her become something amazing in life. I feel like she is going to grow up and be a doctor. Baby girl, I love you more then you will ever know and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. If I could make all this go away I would.
Gabrielle is one of the most caring, compassionate, intelligent (sometimes we think she is too intelligent) little girl I have ever seen. She is also her father, she keeps everything to herself, she doesn't like to make people upset, she doesn't like for people to see her upset. When she is sick she won't tell you, when she is scared she won't tell you, when she feels like she has done something wrong or if she can't fix something she gets upset. I never thought in a million years that 1 and a half years later Gabby would still be secretly dealing with how cancer affected her. Before I was diagnosed Gabby was pretty independent, she would sleep in her own bed, she would do things by herself, she would have play dates with her cousins, she would sit on the floor and watch tv or in the chair. Now, she has never liked to spend the night away from home but she never minded going somewhere for the day. Lately we noticed a big change in her, something that just wasn't Gabby. Gabby loves school and she suddenly refuses to go, she cries and says her tummy hurts and she needs to stay home, every night she asks me about 20 times if she can sleep in my bed with me or if I can sleep in her bed with her,when she does go to bed she just lays there and cries, when we are home together wherever I am, she is right there. When I am watching tv she is literally sitting on one of my legs. If I go to the store she wants to go with me. Every morning when I get up at 6:20 to get in the shower she is right there sitting in the bathroom, she follows me downstairs, she walks me to the door every morning. I wish I could stick my text thread from Ryan on here, every morning when I am driving to work I get at least 5 text messages and they always say the same thing, "I love you mommy from Gabby". I will admit that at times all these just constantly being next to me all the time have frustrated me and I have told her to please walk away, give me some space. Well, in the past week things have gone from bad to worse. Our dog got really sick, thank god we were able to put him on some meds and see how it goes, ever since that day Gabby won't go to school. She cries and refuses. I know she cries at school and gets upset because according to her "i miss my mommy", Ryan and I have always just figured that since we don't sit around and talk about cancer anymore because it is not an active part of our lives that everyone was ok. The other night, after her being home for 8 straight days, I got frustrated. I sat Gabrielle down and I told her that this was unacceptable, there was plenty of times that I didn't want to go to work but I had to go. There were many times I wanted to stay up late but I knew I had to go to bed early. I told her I didn't know what was going on with her and she needed to talk to me and tell me what was going on because mommy can't fix it if I don't know. Well, needless to say she lost it. What she told me felt like a bigger punch in the stomach then hearing "you have cancer". I picked her up and said "Gabby, what is going on? Did something happen at school?" in between sobs she said "no, I am scared because you had cancer", I reassured her that mommy was better now and that the cancer is gone, no reason to be sad. She kept going, she told me that when I was sick she was very scared I was going to go to heaven but she didn't want to make me more sad, she said she gets scared that if she is at school and the cancer comes back she doesn't know what will happen, she said that when she can see me and she knows that I am ok that makes her ok. The absolute worst part was when my 6 year old looked me in the eyes and said "I am sad that I couldn't fix you". Ugh, talk about losing it. I realized that at that point Gabby needs to talk to someone and finally get out everything that she is feeling.
All of this is just one more reason on the ever growing list to HATE cancer. I feel so hopeless because I can't help her. I can't make this all better. She is way to little to carry around this much sadness. Gabby has a very special gift and I know in my heart that all of this is going to make her become something amazing in life. I feel like she is going to grow up and be a doctor. Baby girl, I love you more then you will ever know and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. If I could make all this go away I would.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Pink-tober
Seeing how this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and I am aware. I figured now would be as good time as any to write a new blog. There are a few other "breast cancer" blogs that I follow, I have been reading them quite a bit latley and they seemed to have switched from a cancer blog to blogs about their kids, blogs about their jobs, blogs about what groceries they bought at the store that day. My blog is strictly about cancer and what struggles I faced and what struggles I still face. It may seem like my posts are all over the place, one month I am super happy and confident and the next I am nervous and really thinking about cancer. That is the point for me. This is my story about how cancer affected me and still affects me. This is also a blog that was started for Gabrielle and Cole, so that one day in the future when we no longer think about cancer and when everything is back to normal they can see exactly what happened, how long it took to be complete again. Also, if just one person discovers this site and reads it and they are helped with going through their own battle, or they see that I still struggle at times and it makes them feel better, thats all I wanted.
First a little update on myself. Still in remission! September 16th marked one year since I heard the words "cancer free", as time continues to move on I become more and more confident that cancer and I will never cross paths again. That doesn't mean that I don't think about it still or that I don't get scared, it just means that I am starting to finally feel like I will be here to see Gabby and Cole get married one day. Every breast cancer survivor out there has different feelings on moving on and different ways of coping with what happened to them. For me, after I was diagnosed I wanted to get the most aggressive treatment possible. I have put myself through hell and back, I made the decision to have my body forever altered, I choose a bilateral mastectomy. Those are the choices that I knew, in the long run, would give me the most peace of mind. Those choices also are what have held me back from emotionally healing. I honestly think family and friends look at me now and they see Amy again. They see the curly haired mother, wife, friend, daughter, that they have known, they have moved on. They have healed, in a way they have put it behind them and life goes on. I totally understand this. What I think people may forget is just because on the outside I look like Amy again, under the surface, I will never be that Amy again. Sometimes I feel like people may not fully get it, I know some people have said "its behind you now move on", "stop thinking about what you went throught". People can have a conversation with me, spend hours with me and the road I traveled may never cross their minds, people that are just meeting me would never know what I went through just a year ago. I think as time moves on people may forget (out of sight out of mind) but when I get up every morning and I look at myself in the mirror, I can never forget. I don't look in the mirror and see a 32 year old mother of two, I look in the mirror and see a person who is "altered". I used to try to avoid seeing my chest without anything on it, I used to be ashamed that I have boobs that don't belong to me, I hated to even think about what was in my chest now, I was embarrased of the 12 scars that now go across my chest. But those scars tell a story, they show that I may have gotten knocked down but I got right back up. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to pity me or give me special treatment because I am fine, I just honestly sometimes feel like people want you to think they care but deep down maybe they feel obligated to care. I guess what my point is, is I am really tired of hearing people say things like "oh your fine now", "stop thinking about it cause you are here", I guess I agree to a certain extent. I am VERY grateful to be able to be in remission, I am grateful for each new day I get. You can't expect me to move on completley after just 1 year when something that is a part of your womanhood and something that I knew I could flaunt before are now gone. I will never have the chest I was born with again, I will never be able to look at my chest and not be reminded of what cancer took from me. Yes, I survived breast cancer, but once the dust settles and you can see and think clearly again, its easy to get angry and frustrated at the fact that I am not that girl who was born on January 2, 1980. When I woke up from surgery on Spetember 16, 2011 and I had a 2 flat areas where D's once sat, I knew at that moment this part was going to be harder then all the treatments.
I am still learning from what I went through, I am still adapting to life again. Sure, it has been 1 year since chemo ( and I am completley over that ) but the physical changes to my body, I am not sure I can ever adjust to. I guess now is the time to say remember this happens to 1 in 8 women. This disease doesn't care about age, it dosen't care about what your plans are. Please know how important self exams, doctor exams, and mammograms are. If you think that something is off have it checked right away. If I would have waited this would have been a very different blog.
First a little update on myself. Still in remission! September 16th marked one year since I heard the words "cancer free", as time continues to move on I become more and more confident that cancer and I will never cross paths again. That doesn't mean that I don't think about it still or that I don't get scared, it just means that I am starting to finally feel like I will be here to see Gabby and Cole get married one day. Every breast cancer survivor out there has different feelings on moving on and different ways of coping with what happened to them. For me, after I was diagnosed I wanted to get the most aggressive treatment possible. I have put myself through hell and back, I made the decision to have my body forever altered, I choose a bilateral mastectomy. Those are the choices that I knew, in the long run, would give me the most peace of mind. Those choices also are what have held me back from emotionally healing. I honestly think family and friends look at me now and they see Amy again. They see the curly haired mother, wife, friend, daughter, that they have known, they have moved on. They have healed, in a way they have put it behind them and life goes on. I totally understand this. What I think people may forget is just because on the outside I look like Amy again, under the surface, I will never be that Amy again. Sometimes I feel like people may not fully get it, I know some people have said "its behind you now move on", "stop thinking about what you went throught". People can have a conversation with me, spend hours with me and the road I traveled may never cross their minds, people that are just meeting me would never know what I went through just a year ago. I think as time moves on people may forget (out of sight out of mind) but when I get up every morning and I look at myself in the mirror, I can never forget. I don't look in the mirror and see a 32 year old mother of two, I look in the mirror and see a person who is "altered". I used to try to avoid seeing my chest without anything on it, I used to be ashamed that I have boobs that don't belong to me, I hated to even think about what was in my chest now, I was embarrased of the 12 scars that now go across my chest. But those scars tell a story, they show that I may have gotten knocked down but I got right back up. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to pity me or give me special treatment because I am fine, I just honestly sometimes feel like people want you to think they care but deep down maybe they feel obligated to care. I guess what my point is, is I am really tired of hearing people say things like "oh your fine now", "stop thinking about it cause you are here", I guess I agree to a certain extent. I am VERY grateful to be able to be in remission, I am grateful for each new day I get. You can't expect me to move on completley after just 1 year when something that is a part of your womanhood and something that I knew I could flaunt before are now gone. I will never have the chest I was born with again, I will never be able to look at my chest and not be reminded of what cancer took from me. Yes, I survived breast cancer, but once the dust settles and you can see and think clearly again, its easy to get angry and frustrated at the fact that I am not that girl who was born on January 2, 1980. When I woke up from surgery on Spetember 16, 2011 and I had a 2 flat areas where D's once sat, I knew at that moment this part was going to be harder then all the treatments.
I am still learning from what I went through, I am still adapting to life again. Sure, it has been 1 year since chemo ( and I am completley over that ) but the physical changes to my body, I am not sure I can ever adjust to. I guess now is the time to say remember this happens to 1 in 8 women. This disease doesn't care about age, it dosen't care about what your plans are. Please know how important self exams, doctor exams, and mammograms are. If you think that something is off have it checked right away. If I would have waited this would have been a very different blog.
Monday, August 13, 2012
The future is a funny thing
Today I had another follow up with my absolute favorite person, Dr. Pahnke!Today he said something to me that really got me thinking about the beginning of my journey, pre-blog. The things I never wrote down. Today he took me in his office looked me in my eyes and said "I am VERY proud of you, I honestly didn't think you were going to be able to do this", he told me that the girl who sat in his office 4 times in March and the girl sitting there now were completely different. We chatted about how after I was given my final diagnosis and knew what I needed to do that the girl that had complete fear in her eyes turned into a fighter, that that look became I will beat this. Going into his office always makes me nervous, like sick to my stomach nervous. Every time I sit in the exam room and wait for him my thoughts go back to that afternoon when Ryan and I were sitting in there and he told us it was nothing to worry about and then 2 hours later sitting in there with my good friend Stephanie and being told I had cancer. I can still remember the way that office smelled that day, how the weather was, I remember what I was wearing, what Ryan was wearing, what color work shirt Steph had on but when it comes to remembering him saying "this is cancer", I draw a blank. I remember sitting in his office and staring at Steph, I remember saying "I am going to die", I remember him looking and talking directly to Steph. I just sat there and could only think of Gabby and Cole. I knew I needed Ryan and I couldn't remember how to use my phone, so I texted him. I simply wrote "I have cancer". That had to be an odd text to look down and see from your wife. Ryan kept calling my phone but I couldn't answer it, I couldn't feel my hands, my brain couldn't make the connection to hit the "answer" button on my phone. I just sat there and stared into space. It wasn't until Stephanie, Dr. Pahnke and I were walking out of his office that I came around the corner and saw Ryan walking down the hall. He put his arms me and it all hit me at once. I completely lost it. I kept saying "I don't want to die, I am going to die, why is this happening to me". Ryan asked Dr. Pahnke if he could talk with him about everything and he said absolutely. As Ryan headed back into his office I went upstairs to talk to my now oncologist. Dr. Pahnke stayed until well after 7pm to talk to Ryan, obviously we have a little girl and we needed to know what me being diagnosed at 31 meant for Gabrielle. Everything from here until the day I "announced" I had cancer was just one long day. His office moved quick, the very next morning I had an MRI, then my office worked even quicker, I then had a PET Scan (which is the worst test ever!), CAT Scan, another ultrasound, a biopsy, and a date to start chemo all within 1 week. I can honestly say that I don't believe you could pay me to ever get another PET Scan. I am not sure what is worse, being stuck in a "radioactive" suite all alone for an hour or laying in a tube not able to move for an hour. I did freak out during the PET Scan and the nurse had to come in and calm me down. After the test was over they told me to just lay there for a minute and they would go get Ryan. Its a bizarre feeling to think back to all those emotions, it honestly almost feels like it was all a dream. I guess that is part of the healing process.
It is also a weird feeling to think about the future again. After everything was happening to me I stopped thinking about anything beyond the day that I was living in, if I found myself thinking about the kids birthdays or Christmas I would suddenly feel sad and empty, almost like my mind was telling me that I may not be here for those things. I have finally allowed myself to think about the future and to get excited about things that are coming up. I can't wait to celebrate my one year cancer free in September, my kids 6th and 5th birthdays in October, to celebrate 9 years of marriage with Ryan in November, to meet my little Lukie Luke in January (one of my very best friends babies, she thinks he is hers). It feels so good and normal to have things to look forward to and be keeping my mind occupied.
I seem to have gotten off topic, I tend to do that a lot. My appointment today went great, still cancer free :) As I was leaving Dr. Pahnkes office today he said "go give em hell girl, you deserve this life". He is 100% right, I do deserve this life!
It is also a weird feeling to think about the future again. After everything was happening to me I stopped thinking about anything beyond the day that I was living in, if I found myself thinking about the kids birthdays or Christmas I would suddenly feel sad and empty, almost like my mind was telling me that I may not be here for those things. I have finally allowed myself to think about the future and to get excited about things that are coming up. I can't wait to celebrate my one year cancer free in September, my kids 6th and 5th birthdays in October, to celebrate 9 years of marriage with Ryan in November, to meet my little Lukie Luke in January (one of my very best friends babies, she thinks he is hers). It feels so good and normal to have things to look forward to and be keeping my mind occupied.
I seem to have gotten off topic, I tend to do that a lot. My appointment today went great, still cancer free :) As I was leaving Dr. Pahnkes office today he said "go give em hell girl, you deserve this life". He is 100% right, I do deserve this life!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The other "C" word
Sometimes we have moments when something is said or happens that ends up replaying itself over and over again in our minds. I have been able to get a hold of my thoughts and feelings a lot better then I was able to a year ago. However, on Friday I had another three month follow up with my oncologist, the appointment went great, still in remission. I for some reason thought that since it has been almost 16 months since my diagnosis, 11 months since my last chemo, and nine and a half months since I was declared cancer free that I would ask about the other big "c" word, cure. Why I decided to ask my doc if I was cured is beyond me, I knew the answer. I know there is no cure for cancer, I mean if there was people would not be dying every day from it. I still asked. When my doc responded with no and remission, I told him I didn't like that word. Remission, it just sounds unsure. He explained everything to me again about the first three years being the most crucial and that each year I go with staying in remission the chances of recurrence get lower and lower, I don't know why hearing those words again made me feel like I suddenly had a heavy heart. It honesty took almost everything I had to hold back the tears (normally I would of just let it out but I am a big girl now). It was a strange mixture of feelings that was raging through me, I suddenly found myself worrying about Gabby and Cole again, I started to fear the thought of ever needing to go through chemo again, I started to become unsure. It's funny because when I had cancer and would see my doc I would leave the exam room feeling amped, like I was a warrior and nothing was going to get in my way or stop me. Now that I don't have cancer any longer I left the exam room feeling vulnerable and scared, sort of backwards. I am hoping that the reason I am feeling this way is because for the past three months I have lived my life, I didn't allow myself to spend anytime thinking about what I went through or the reality of everything. Sitting in an exam room with just your doctor and your conversation is solely about cancer it brings up all sorts of emotions.
Moving on, I was fortunate to come across an article that a fellow breast cancer survivor had posted on Facebook. The article was titled, " The Things I Wish I Was Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer", it was written by a 28 year old leukemia survivor named Jeff Tomczek. This article should be a hand out in every oncology office. He did an amazing job at describing perfectly what happens to you once you are told you have cancer. In his article he listed different things that you go through and he explained in detail what you will feel. Reading it was such a relief because I could relate to and remember everything that he was saying happening to me in my life. All his points were extremely important, however, there were a few that were my favorite and that I can really see in my own personal journey. One of his points were "Your relationships are about to change", he could not have been more correct about that. He talked about how some relations with people will get stronger and those that do will more than likely be with people you least expected. That is so true! I am so thankful for the new relationships that I have with certain people (you know who you are). Fear was another one of his points, he stated "Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself.", "the people that love you will understand". I could not of written that better myself. No one can fully understand until you walk a mile, hell until you walk 5 steps, in the shoes of a person who has/had cancer. A lot of people don't understand how you can still think about it or worry about it once its gone but he is right, the ones that love you will understand, they will understand when all you want to do is be alone, or when you need to just cry because you can't wrap your head around why on this earth it happened to you. He talked about how no person wants to sit and think about death but hearing you have cancer, it leaves you no option. There does come a point when you accept it. When you know that you can not control it, I kiss my babies goodnight every night and make sure I tell them how much I love them, how amazing they are, how much they have made my life better. There are times after I know they are asleep I will go back in their rooms, kiss their heads and just whisper "I am sorry any of this happened". I also make sure that when I lay my head down I night I remember how thankful I am for the day I was given, for making it one more day cancer free. My absolute favorite part of this article was his last point, "When you get to the other side you won't believe it". "They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again."(Tomczek, 2012). I like how he says those that truly love you will still be there and that sometimes you have to let go of people and move on. He is right, I know I have experienced this. People that you thought were going to be the most understanding and there for you are the ones that let you down the most. It hurts to "lose'' some people but that just makes you hold onto the ones that are truly supportive and genuine a little tighter.
Moving on, I was fortunate to come across an article that a fellow breast cancer survivor had posted on Facebook. The article was titled, " The Things I Wish I Was Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer", it was written by a 28 year old leukemia survivor named Jeff Tomczek. This article should be a hand out in every oncology office. He did an amazing job at describing perfectly what happens to you once you are told you have cancer. In his article he listed different things that you go through and he explained in detail what you will feel. Reading it was such a relief because I could relate to and remember everything that he was saying happening to me in my life. All his points were extremely important, however, there were a few that were my favorite and that I can really see in my own personal journey. One of his points were "Your relationships are about to change", he could not have been more correct about that. He talked about how some relations with people will get stronger and those that do will more than likely be with people you least expected. That is so true! I am so thankful for the new relationships that I have with certain people (you know who you are). Fear was another one of his points, he stated "Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself.", "the people that love you will understand". I could not of written that better myself. No one can fully understand until you walk a mile, hell until you walk 5 steps, in the shoes of a person who has/had cancer. A lot of people don't understand how you can still think about it or worry about it once its gone but he is right, the ones that love you will understand, they will understand when all you want to do is be alone, or when you need to just cry because you can't wrap your head around why on this earth it happened to you. He talked about how no person wants to sit and think about death but hearing you have cancer, it leaves you no option. There does come a point when you accept it. When you know that you can not control it, I kiss my babies goodnight every night and make sure I tell them how much I love them, how amazing they are, how much they have made my life better. There are times after I know they are asleep I will go back in their rooms, kiss their heads and just whisper "I am sorry any of this happened". I also make sure that when I lay my head down I night I remember how thankful I am for the day I was given, for making it one more day cancer free. My absolute favorite part of this article was his last point, "When you get to the other side you won't believe it". "They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again."(Tomczek, 2012). I like how he says those that truly love you will still be there and that sometimes you have to let go of people and move on. He is right, I know I have experienced this. People that you thought were going to be the most understanding and there for you are the ones that let you down the most. It hurts to "lose'' some people but that just makes you hold onto the ones that are truly supportive and genuine a little tighter.
Monday, June 4, 2012
When you think the cancer has returned
After you have been through cancer treatment it is a hard process of getting your life back in order. You try not to think about what the chances are that your cancer could return, you try not to think that every headache you get is now brain cancer, that every time you have a coughing fit or feel short of breath that it is now in your lungs, it is hard to trust your body and to just have faith in that cancer is gone forever. Well, I try very hard to keep these thoughts at bay ( I am not always successful). A couple of days ago I noticed that under my right arm was very sore, it hurt to touch it and it hurt to sleep on the right side, typically I am over the top dramatic when I know that it is nothing. When I think that it could possibly be something I tend to try and keep it to myself. I have spent the last week or so crying hysterically once my kids had gone to bed because I was so afraid that something had returned. Even though I work in the same office as my oncologist I don't want to be that patient that is constantly running to him with everything that I feel. I was scheduled to see him again in July and I figured I would just wait until then to talk to him. As I have said before I am dramatic, I can admit to this freely. The very thought of hearing the words, recurrence, chemotherapy, or even CAT scan had me so sick to my stomach last night that I could not sleep. I sat on my couch next to Ryan last night and sobbed. I couldn't get the horrible feeling in my stomach (the same feeling I had the night I was told I had cancer) to go away, I kept saying I just want to see Gabby and Cole grow up, I am not ready for any of this to be happening again. I was completley terrified.
When I came into work this morning I told some friends/co-workers what I had felt and had them feel it and the next thing I knew my friend Maria and I were sitting in the exam room where I was told I had cancer. I was very nervous, I took a Xanax prior to getting to work that morning but it was not working. The doc came in and I try to not seem serious or scared so I just said "are you tired of me yet". He asked what I was feeling and he right away went to town pushing and feeling under my right arm. Let me tell you it hurt! I smacked his hand once (probably not a good idea) and he said he didn't feel anything abnormal, he said he did feel some thickening around the scar in my armpit and the other 4 scars I have on that side but all in all he was not concered but if it did get worse I needed and ultrasound to see exactly what was going on. I asked him why it hurt and what that really big hard piece was and apparently once your chest has been gutted and your surgeon tells you that all you are is implant and skin he is not exageratting. He said that was my ribs I was feeling. There is nothing else there so its skin, implant and apparently ribs. I guess once you get major surgery, reconstructive surgery, and radiation to an area you end up with all sorts of weird things.
I am more calm now and confident again that all is going to be ok. I hate when little things pop up just to remind of what an ordeal you had been through.
When I came into work this morning I told some friends/co-workers what I had felt and had them feel it and the next thing I knew my friend Maria and I were sitting in the exam room where I was told I had cancer. I was very nervous, I took a Xanax prior to getting to work that morning but it was not working. The doc came in and I try to not seem serious or scared so I just said "are you tired of me yet". He asked what I was feeling and he right away went to town pushing and feeling under my right arm. Let me tell you it hurt! I smacked his hand once (probably not a good idea) and he said he didn't feel anything abnormal, he said he did feel some thickening around the scar in my armpit and the other 4 scars I have on that side but all in all he was not concered but if it did get worse I needed and ultrasound to see exactly what was going on. I asked him why it hurt and what that really big hard piece was and apparently once your chest has been gutted and your surgeon tells you that all you are is implant and skin he is not exageratting. He said that was my ribs I was feeling. There is nothing else there so its skin, implant and apparently ribs. I guess once you get major surgery, reconstructive surgery, and radiation to an area you end up with all sorts of weird things.
I am more calm now and confident again that all is going to be ok. I hate when little things pop up just to remind of what an ordeal you had been through.
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