With the holidays quickly approaching I am certain I will not have time to post a blog, so I wanted to post one last blog in 2011. I am looking forward to saying a big farewell to the year from hell. I welcome 2012 (and my 32nd b-day) with open arms. As I sat at work the other day I was thinking about everything that has happened this year, I thought about how the day I realized that I would be going through chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation felt like it was just yesterday. I thought about all the different emotions and "phases" I have gone through and am still going through, I have thought about how much I have changed as a person, how much more life means to me now, how grateful I am to open my eyes every morning. I have learned how much respect and thankfulness I have for the doctors and nurse that saved my life. I have also learned that as much as I would like to be in control I have no control over what the future holds for me.
I decided a few nights ago to go back through my blog and re-read my posts, there are so many things that I either don't remember or that I have chosen to permanently block out. WOW, what a crazy nine months it has been. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I have conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked to take medication (I survived 6 rounds of chemotherapy), I never wanted or thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery), I survived a 5 hour major surgery and have breast implants, and I never thought that I would stop crying after my diagnosis and now my tears are few and far between. Don't get me wrong I still cry sometimes after my kids go to sleep, I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear that I will not be here to see my kids grow up, the only difference now is I think back to everything I have been through and know that in my heart I have done every single thing possible to keep me cancer free. I try my hardest to enjoy every single day with my kids and make sure they know that mommy loves them more then they will ever be able to comprehend. As horrible as having cancer has been I can say that not all has been bad. I got to spend the spring and summer home with my kids, I got to hang out with a really good friend and her babies a lot more, I got to see that after 6 years of working at MOHC they really are an amazing group of people and I can honestly say first hand now that the doctors are brilliant, caring, and at the top of their game. I got to really see what it was like to be faced with the possibility of dying. Now, that is one of the scariest things you can deal with. No one can tell you how to feel or deal with being young and having cancer, no one can understand the emotions that you go through, no one can understand that no matter what the rest of your life has been forever changed. I have to learn to trust my body again, to know that it is ok to get a cold or have headache, it is ok to say I need a break and go to bed at 7:00pm, it is ok to sometimes just sit and have a good cry. I got to see how strong I really am.
To the doctors and nurse that saved my life, I will never ever ever be able to say thank you enough. I have so much respect for my breast surgeon, Dr. Pahnke. Thank you, thank you for taking the time that night in March to sit and talk with my husband after hours, for reassuring me throughout all of this that you were going to "get me out of this mess", for telling me that I WAS going to see my kids grow up. Thank you for the intelligent, caring, compassionate doctor that you are, for doing such an incredible job with my surgery and for never not once making me regret, rethink, or feel unsafe has having you be the man to save my life. I wish there was a way that I could re-pay this man but all I can do is sincerely thank him every time I see him. I have just as much respect for my oncologist, Dr. Misleh, as I do for my surgeon. To be completely honest, before I knew I had cancer, a few co-workers and I would sit around and discuss which doctor we would see if we were ever diagnosed with cancer, I honestly never thought I would choose Dr. Misleh. Not because he is not worthy or not as good as the other doctors, simply because he was new at this. He was new to the practice and didn't have as many years under his belt as the others but I can say with 100% certainty that he is an amazing doctor, he may not be as "seasoned" as the other doctors but he is just as intelligent, he knows what needs to be done, and he has a voice. He never kept me waiting for test results, he never made me feel like I was not going to be ok, he never hesitated to say this is what needs to be done and we are doing it. He knew about my anxiety issues and he went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and highly drugged during chemo sessions (hence the lose of memory), he always has been honest with me, he, just like Dr. P makes you feel like he cares, and most importantly when dealing with something as horrible as cancer is, he always kept a sense of humor. He would keep things serious when they needed to be but he also was able to joke around. Dr. Misleh, thank you for keeping me safe during chemo, for knowing what needed to be done to practically make the cancer disappear, for being caring, for understanding how difficult this was and for giving me the chance at a future, without the knowledge and treatment plan that you created for me Gabby and Cole more than likely would of grown up without their mommy but because of you the chance of having their mommy for a long time became possible. To my super special nurse, Dawn. Ugh! I could barely get through typing the doctors parts without crying, no way I will be able to make it through this one. Every once in a while you meet a person who is so selfless, caring, understanding, and just all around good hearted. Dawn held my hand during every single chemo session, she gave me the chemo and kept me safe during my 5 hour infusions. She has been amazing to my family, including my babies, she has gone above and beyond what she had to. If it wasn't for her I do not think I would have been able to get through chemotherapy, I was never so scared of anything in my life but she knew how to calm down, before the good meds, I felt 100% comfortable in her care and I knew that she was not going to let anything happen to me. Dawn, thank you for everything, for being you, for caring about me, and for being one of three people that saved my life.
With all that being said, I am going to finish up my last 4 radiation treatments and really really enjoy my Christmas this year! Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year, who has supported me, who has sent cards, flowers, food, etc. Thank You!!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
How time flies
I can't believe it has been a month since my last post. I guess it is a good thing, it must mean nothing really exciting is happening in my world these days. I will catch everyone up on what I have been doing and what is coming up for me.
Up first, implants. I have been completely filled! YAY! I had my last fill on November 10, 2011. I am very excited to not have to go through that any longer. Once Dr. Saunders filled me for the last time he told me he was going to miss me. He said that I was a pleasure to work with and that it is not everyday you meet someone who always has a smile on their face and someone that he looks forward to seeing, that made my day. My implants are filled to 680cc's, which makes me a C. At the time of my exchange surgery he will be able to make them up to a DD if I choose (sorry Ry, not going that big). He told me that I have to wait until March to get exchanged, the skin, muscle, and the expander implant have to settle before I can get a permanent implant placed, and thanks to radiation Dr. Saunders will have is work cut out for him due the skin on the right side losing elasticity. I see him again on March 5th and we will pick out the implant, Saline vs silicone vs gummy bear. Oh the decisions. I am currently scheduled to be exchanged on March 16th. This surgery will be the absolute final step in all of this, Dr. Saunders will also remove my port (thank God) during this procedure so there will be nothing left lingering around.
Radiation is no fun at all. I have 18 more radiation treatments left as of today. They are not painful just a pain. They are every morning Mon-Fri at 7:15am, it takes about 5-7 minutes to get radiated and then I just go right upstairs to work. I am being radiated on the right side, I get radiation to the implant area, my right side under my arm, and my chest. It is very weird to lay there and have this big machine rotate around you and because I have to lay with my head facing to the left I get to look at the radiation machine the entire time and see the little radiation box on the computer fill up and then I see RAD ON and watch as the green box empties. Kind of an unsettling feeling to know that at that moment my body is being radiated. I have been experiencing A LOT of fatigue with this, by 7:00pm I feel like it is midnight and I find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open, also because they are radiating my chest I was told that a portion of my right lung is being radiated as well, so I get the pleasure of feeling like I am winded and short of breath with doing the easiest of tasks, and the metal taste in my mouth that left after chemo has returned. I really do not have any skin changes yet, I have noticed that my surgery scar on that side is more red than the other side. Dr. Strasser, my rad onc, told me that when I am all done my right side will look like it was in the Bahamas while my left side will look like it stayed home. I will be completed on December 28, 2011 at that point I will start on the pill Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. I just want to make sure that no major cancer treatments carry over into the new year.
2011 will go down as the absolute worst year, it will also be the year I learned the most. I learned how strong I really am, both physically and emotionally. I learned how precious life is, how to live and most importantly I learned how to finally conquer anxiety!! It only took cancer and the possibility of dying but I am OVER my anxiety issues. 2012 is going to be a GREAT year, I can feel it.
Up first, implants. I have been completely filled! YAY! I had my last fill on November 10, 2011. I am very excited to not have to go through that any longer. Once Dr. Saunders filled me for the last time he told me he was going to miss me. He said that I was a pleasure to work with and that it is not everyday you meet someone who always has a smile on their face and someone that he looks forward to seeing, that made my day. My implants are filled to 680cc's, which makes me a C. At the time of my exchange surgery he will be able to make them up to a DD if I choose (sorry Ry, not going that big). He told me that I have to wait until March to get exchanged, the skin, muscle, and the expander implant have to settle before I can get a permanent implant placed, and thanks to radiation Dr. Saunders will have is work cut out for him due the skin on the right side losing elasticity. I see him again on March 5th and we will pick out the implant, Saline vs silicone vs gummy bear. Oh the decisions. I am currently scheduled to be exchanged on March 16th. This surgery will be the absolute final step in all of this, Dr. Saunders will also remove my port (thank God) during this procedure so there will be nothing left lingering around.
Radiation is no fun at all. I have 18 more radiation treatments left as of today. They are not painful just a pain. They are every morning Mon-Fri at 7:15am, it takes about 5-7 minutes to get radiated and then I just go right upstairs to work. I am being radiated on the right side, I get radiation to the implant area, my right side under my arm, and my chest. It is very weird to lay there and have this big machine rotate around you and because I have to lay with my head facing to the left I get to look at the radiation machine the entire time and see the little radiation box on the computer fill up and then I see RAD ON and watch as the green box empties. Kind of an unsettling feeling to know that at that moment my body is being radiated. I have been experiencing A LOT of fatigue with this, by 7:00pm I feel like it is midnight and I find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open, also because they are radiating my chest I was told that a portion of my right lung is being radiated as well, so I get the pleasure of feeling like I am winded and short of breath with doing the easiest of tasks, and the metal taste in my mouth that left after chemo has returned. I really do not have any skin changes yet, I have noticed that my surgery scar on that side is more red than the other side. Dr. Strasser, my rad onc, told me that when I am all done my right side will look like it was in the Bahamas while my left side will look like it stayed home. I will be completed on December 28, 2011 at that point I will start on the pill Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. I just want to make sure that no major cancer treatments carry over into the new year.
2011 will go down as the absolute worst year, it will also be the year I learned the most. I learned how strong I really am, both physically and emotionally. I learned how precious life is, how to live and most importantly I learned how to finally conquer anxiety!! It only took cancer and the possibility of dying but I am OVER my anxiety issues. 2012 is going to be a GREAT year, I can feel it.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Gabrielle Ryan Minsker
HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY PRINCESS GABS!! I can not even believe that my little princess is 5 today. She has grown up way too fast. It seems like just yesterday I was holding her in my arms and rocking her to sleep, where does the time go? Gabby is the most amazingly sweet, caring, compassionate little girl I have seen. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she would do anything for someone at the age of 5. She never ceases to amaze me.
Gabrielle was one wanted little girl, it took us 2 years, lots of fertility meds, a million tears, and finally a miracle to get her. We were given a due date of October 29, 2006, when this date came and went I knew she was going to be a little girl who did things when she was ready and not when someone tells her. I woke up at 4:15 am on October 30th and I remember the cramps in my stomach were unlike anything I had ever experienced. My stomach would get rock hard and cramp up and then loosen again, I knew these were contractions, I laid there until 5:00am when they were coming every 5 minutes. I woke up Ryan and told him that I think Gabby was ready to join us. I showered and we were off to the hospital. When I arrived at labor and delivery they said I was having contractions but I was only dialated 2 cm's, they wanted me to walk for 2 hours and come back, ok. Ryan and I went for a nice stroll around the hospital and about 1 hour into our walk I said we had to go back, I could barely stand up the pain was gettting so intense. We made our way back to the delivery ward and the nurse "checked me", I remember her looking at me and saying "looks like you are staying, you are now 4 centimeters, you are having a baby today". I wanted to throw up, I looked at Ryan and said I wanted to go home, I was not ready to have her. The nurse told me it was too late for that and next thing I knew I was getting an IV and being wheeled upstairs. When I got to my labor room the anesthelogist was waiting outside the room to give me an epidural, he gave the meds and as soon as I layed back down my water had broke. The nurse informed us that Gabby gone to the bathroom and that she more than likely swallowed it, disgusting! They had to keep a close eye on her. I was laying there about 20 minutes later and I heard an alarm go off and over the intercom system they announced "Pediatric cardiology to labor and delivery 4 STAT", I remember thinking that was sad and then it hit me that I was in labor and delivery 4! Nurses and doctors came rushing in because Gabby's heart rate dropped from 156 to 60, she was asleep and they could not get her to wake up, they kept telling me that if she did not respond and her heart rate did increase I would need an emergency C-section and they would get her out in 10 minutes. I was a trying to stay calm for her and finally her heart rate went back to 150. I moved onto my left side and she seemed to stabalize so for the next 13 hours I did not move from my left side.
At 5:27pm after 1 hour and 42 minutes of pushing Gabrielle Ryan was born. She weighed in at 7lbs 7oz. Now, originally she was going to be Gabrielle Sofia but when she was born she looked SO much like Ryan it was scary. We changed her to Gabrielle Ryan. Gabby's birth was not "magical" as soon as she was born they took her away, they could not get her to breathe and they were jamming a metal tube down her throat to clear out all the baby poop she ate, the seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours. I remember looking at Ryan's face and it was pure terror, one of the pediatric doctors working on her said that if she did not cry in the next few seconds she needed to get to the NICU, and Ms. Gabby starting whaling! It was the most amazing sound I had ever heard.
Gabby gave us a nice little scare when she was born but she turned out to be a perfectly healthy baby girl.
Gabrielle, words could not ever express how much you mean to us. You are such an incredible gift and an amazing little girl. You have the charm, wit, looks, personality and brains to bring the world to its knees. Every single day you amaze us with something new that you have learned and give us a million reasons to be proud of you. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful Princess Gabrielle. We love you more than we can ever tell you.
Gabrielle was one wanted little girl, it took us 2 years, lots of fertility meds, a million tears, and finally a miracle to get her. We were given a due date of October 29, 2006, when this date came and went I knew she was going to be a little girl who did things when she was ready and not when someone tells her. I woke up at 4:15 am on October 30th and I remember the cramps in my stomach were unlike anything I had ever experienced. My stomach would get rock hard and cramp up and then loosen again, I knew these were contractions, I laid there until 5:00am when they were coming every 5 minutes. I woke up Ryan and told him that I think Gabby was ready to join us. I showered and we were off to the hospital. When I arrived at labor and delivery they said I was having contractions but I was only dialated 2 cm's, they wanted me to walk for 2 hours and come back, ok. Ryan and I went for a nice stroll around the hospital and about 1 hour into our walk I said we had to go back, I could barely stand up the pain was gettting so intense. We made our way back to the delivery ward and the nurse "checked me", I remember her looking at me and saying "looks like you are staying, you are now 4 centimeters, you are having a baby today". I wanted to throw up, I looked at Ryan and said I wanted to go home, I was not ready to have her. The nurse told me it was too late for that and next thing I knew I was getting an IV and being wheeled upstairs. When I got to my labor room the anesthelogist was waiting outside the room to give me an epidural, he gave the meds and as soon as I layed back down my water had broke. The nurse informed us that Gabby gone to the bathroom and that she more than likely swallowed it, disgusting! They had to keep a close eye on her. I was laying there about 20 minutes later and I heard an alarm go off and over the intercom system they announced "Pediatric cardiology to labor and delivery 4 STAT", I remember thinking that was sad and then it hit me that I was in labor and delivery 4! Nurses and doctors came rushing in because Gabby's heart rate dropped from 156 to 60, she was asleep and they could not get her to wake up, they kept telling me that if she did not respond and her heart rate did increase I would need an emergency C-section and they would get her out in 10 minutes. I was a trying to stay calm for her and finally her heart rate went back to 150. I moved onto my left side and she seemed to stabalize so for the next 13 hours I did not move from my left side.
Gabby gave us a nice little scare when she was born but she turned out to be a perfectly healthy baby girl.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Expander fills and radiation
Just in case I have never expressed this in the past, I hate these tissue expander implants. Friday I will have my 4th "fill", it is a very weird experience to go into a doctors office and watch your chest get bigger. I have had 3 fills since surgery and have 2 maybe 3 left. I have been instructed to take Percocet prior to each fill so I am relaxed during the process and obviously to help with any after expansion pain (there is a lot of discomfort). When I go into the plastic surgeons office I change into a beautiful pink paper shirt and lay down on the table, the doc takes his stud finder and locates the access port in the implant. After he locates this area he marks me up with more purple marker, I have so many purple dots and lines on my chest I look like I have purple skin disorder, once he cleans the area he gets his magical needle and IV tube out. The first time he stuck the needle in my chest he said I may feel a sting from the insertion and then a spasm and burn as the needle goes through the muscle and into the implant, I felt nothing, everything in the area of the surgery is completely numb. However, now that the implant has been expanded out of the surgery area, I get the pleasure of feeling the needle go through my skin and muscle and into the implant, lovely. Once the needle is in the implant he fills his big ole syringe up with saline and injects it into the IV tube which goes directly in the implant, I feel nothing as this is being done. As he fills I can slowly start to feel my chest getting tight so he fills until I say it is tight enough for now. He removes his needle and repeats this process on the other side. Once I stand up the tightness eases up a bit and then once the Percocet wears off the tightness and muscle cramps are back for about 24 hours until the muscle is stretched. Now, when I got filled last Monday, I made the decision going into the office that I wanted to get 90cc's in each side. The first time I got filled was the day of surgery and he initially put in 240cc's (per my request, I did not want to wake up flat chested). The first out patient fill he was able to get 80cc's per side, the next fill only 60 due to it being extremely tight. I normally get filled 1 week apart, this last time I was filled on a Friday and then again on Monday. Monday I went in and had him fill 90cc's, BIG MISTAKE! I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as he filled them but I was determined to get 90 in there. About an hour after that fill I was regretting that choice and wanting some taken out. My chest was so tight I could not breathe and the pain and muscle cramps were worse then after the big surgery. I was living on round the clock pain meds. I went to physical therapy almost unable to move, the therapist asked why I would have gotten 150cc's put in all in a 3 day span. Well, radiation starts November 11th and I have to be fully expanded by then. It has been a week and a half since my "big" fill and things have calmed down. I am no longer having muscle cramps and not taking any pain meds. I get filled again this Friday and I will only do 60cc's per side. I am currently at 470cc implants, with the 3 fills I have remaining if I am able to get 60 in each time I will be left with 650cc implants. How big will that make me? I am not sure, currently I am a C so we shall see what happens. The bad thing is I have to keep these implants in until February, then I can get the exchange surgery and have soft normal implants. These rocks make sleeping very difficult, I can not lay flat because I can feel the edges of the implants poking me and when I lay down it just feels like two heavy objects are places on my chest and I can not breathe or move. I am looking forward to the day these things are out of my body.
I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Strasser, about 2 weeks ago. We discussed when radiation is a necessary step in someones care. He explained to us that with breast cancer the patients that qualify for radiation are those whose chose to have a lumpectomy, are not going to be needing chemotherapy, those with metastatic (cancer that has spread to other parts of the body) disease, those who have more than 3 lymph nodes involved, and those whose primary tumor was bigger than 5 cms. In my case I chose to have the double mastectomy so normally I would not get radiation but because there is no way for them to determine the actual size my tumor was , I had chemo first so everything was shrunk down to a millimeter and MRI's just give an estimate, and the fact that my pathology report showed extensive lymphatic invasion, meaning the cancer cells were starting to invade the lymphatic system in my body, and one lymph node was active at time of surgery he feels I should go ahead with radiation. I was skeptical about agreeing to this, I really wanted surgery to be the end of cancer treatment but once the doc told me that right now my recurrence rate is at 30% and after radiation it will drop down to 10% I was on board. As I said previously I have to be fully expanded before I can begin radiation. With radiation your skin becomes irritated and not able to stretch, therefore I would not be able to get filled. I will go in on November 11th and have my "mapping" done. I am told I will have a CT scan and the nurse will place more purple dots (these will be permanent tattoo dots, wonder if my tattoo count now jumps up from 4?) and I will get "molded". After that every week day for the next 6 weeks I will go into the radiation department of the cancer center and lay in the exact same position and get radiation beamed into my chest, arm pit, and upper chest (heading towards my neck) area. I am told that radiation kills all the cells and tissues in that area so, my skin will likely be irritated and I have very sensitive skin. I am just really ready to get radiation started and over with. I should be done radiation the week of Christmas, I want to end all major cancer treatments in 2011, I want 2012 to have no major cancer treatments in it.
I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Strasser, about 2 weeks ago. We discussed when radiation is a necessary step in someones care. He explained to us that with breast cancer the patients that qualify for radiation are those whose chose to have a lumpectomy, are not going to be needing chemotherapy, those with metastatic (cancer that has spread to other parts of the body) disease, those who have more than 3 lymph nodes involved, and those whose primary tumor was bigger than 5 cms. In my case I chose to have the double mastectomy so normally I would not get radiation but because there is no way for them to determine the actual size my tumor was , I had chemo first so everything was shrunk down to a millimeter and MRI's just give an estimate, and the fact that my pathology report showed extensive lymphatic invasion, meaning the cancer cells were starting to invade the lymphatic system in my body, and one lymph node was active at time of surgery he feels I should go ahead with radiation. I was skeptical about agreeing to this, I really wanted surgery to be the end of cancer treatment but once the doc told me that right now my recurrence rate is at 30% and after radiation it will drop down to 10% I was on board. As I said previously I have to be fully expanded before I can begin radiation. With radiation your skin becomes irritated and not able to stretch, therefore I would not be able to get filled. I will go in on November 11th and have my "mapping" done. I am told I will have a CT scan and the nurse will place more purple dots (these will be permanent tattoo dots, wonder if my tattoo count now jumps up from 4?) and I will get "molded". After that every week day for the next 6 weeks I will go into the radiation department of the cancer center and lay in the exact same position and get radiation beamed into my chest, arm pit, and upper chest (heading towards my neck) area. I am told that radiation kills all the cells and tissues in that area so, my skin will likely be irritated and I have very sensitive skin. I am just really ready to get radiation started and over with. I should be done radiation the week of Christmas, I want to end all major cancer treatments in 2011, I want 2012 to have no major cancer treatments in it.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Making Strides Against Breast Cancer of Wilmington, DE | Making Strides
Making Strides Against Breast Cancer of Wilmington, DE Making Strides
12 more days until we walk to end breast cancer. There is still time to donate to or join our team. Every penny donated helps to save the lives of other mothers, daughters, sisters, etc. Thanks to the research that is done with all the donated money the drug Herceptin was found and approved not to long ago. This is the "miracle" drug that made my tumor disappear. I was told by both my oncologist and my surgeon that before Herceptin was found I would not of had a very good prognosis. My cancer was considered aggressive but thanks to all the donations and support for breast cancer the drug was found and now I have one of the best cancers. Herceptin goes in your body and looks for the cancer cell and actually destroys it. I am grateful for organizations like these and for the people that donate or walk to help us stop this disease from taking anymore people.
12 more days until we walk to end breast cancer. There is still time to donate to or join our team. Every penny donated helps to save the lives of other mothers, daughters, sisters, etc. Thanks to the research that is done with all the donated money the drug Herceptin was found and approved not to long ago. This is the "miracle" drug that made my tumor disappear. I was told by both my oncologist and my surgeon that before Herceptin was found I would not of had a very good prognosis. My cancer was considered aggressive but thanks to all the donations and support for breast cancer the drug was found and now I have one of the best cancers. Herceptin goes in your body and looks for the cancer cell and actually destroys it. I am grateful for organizations like these and for the people that donate or walk to help us stop this disease from taking anymore people.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Cole William Minsker
HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY COLE-BUG!!! This blog has nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with my amazing, smart, funny, adorable 4 year old little boy.
On October 4, 2007 at 3:30am I got a call from Christiana Hospital stating that I needed to be at Labor and Delivery by 5:00am. With Cole I was being induced a week early because I was so uncomfortable ( I had been pregnant since Feb. of 2006 with only an 8 week break) and because Cole was measuring big. My OB decided that October 4th was a good day since it was his parents anniversary. I got up and got a shower, packed up a diaper bag for Gabby (she was only 11 months old) and got her ready to go to Grammy's. Ryan and I dropped Gabby off and headed to meet my sister at Christiana Hospital. I arrived at 5:00am and went upstairs to the waiting area to be called. I was so nervous, and now that I look back on everything I have been through I would love to be sitting in a waiting room preparing to have a baby then everything I prepare for now.
A nurse finally came and got us, and I remember her so well she was NOT a morning person. She took us to our labor and delivery room and looked at my chart, she asked if I really just had a baby 11 months ago. I told her yes and she said wow 2 babies in one calendar year, I know. I remember being so nervous about having Cole, I was not the same nervous as I was with Gabby. With her it was nervous about labor, nervous about becoming a mommy, and just no clue what I was in for. With Cole I knew he wasn't "ready" to be born yet, he was so high still but I was so tired of being pregnant that I wanted him out. I was nervous because during Gabby's birth there were "complications" (more on that in 3 weeks) I just wanted everything to go smooth. The nurse hooked me up to Pitocin and told me to let her know when I wanted an epidural, I figured I had plenty of time, I was not having any contractions yet and as soon as I said I wanted an epidural last time the anesthesiologist was there in less than 2 minutes.
The morning seemed to be dragging by, I was all hooked up and having small contractions by 6:00am, at 8:00am my doctor arrived, with a big gulp and his cell phone, to break my water. He told me that once he does this the contractions will really start to pick up, boy was he right. The contractions were so bad in my lower back that I could not even breathe when I was having them, I asked for the epidural and was told the one and only anesthesiologist just went into a c-section and he would be about 45 mins. Are you kidding me! These were the worst pains I have ever felt in my life. Once I finally got the epidural it really didn't seem to help, I was so aggravated and not friendly at this point. Just my luck the Phillies were playing in a playoff game that was on at 1:00pm, so my husband and doctor were very preoccupied with watching the tv. After 10 hours of labor my doctor informed me that it was time to start pushing and that Cole was "sunny side up" meaning he was facing up instead of down, so that explained why the contractions hurt so bad and my back was killing me. 2 hours after I started pushing I still did not have a baby, the doctor told me that Cole was still very high and that they were going to get the O.R. ready for a c-section. I got very angry and told him that he induced me so he better figure out a way to get Cole out without a c-section. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER anger the doctor that this delivering your child. He told me ok and hooked a "vacuum" device to Cole's head and braced himself with one foot up against the wall and the other leg up against the bed and then he started to pull, all his veins were showing in his head , I was sure he was going to deliver just a head with no body attached. He was pulling with everything he had and just like that out came a very chunky and angry looking little boy. Cole's cord was wrapped around his neck and the doctor quickly grabbed it and ripped it over Cole's head. He weighed in at 8lbs 1oz and of course he looked exactly like Ryan too. It is crazy because you don't realize how much you can love another person until you are looking at your newborn child.
Cole was such a good baby the first day and night of his life. The next morning Cole started crying a lot and did not stop for the next 11 months. When he was 3 weeks old we took him to the emergency room at AI because he had cried for 25 straight hours!! He was diagnosed with colic and acid reflux, being around newborn Cole was a joy. After he outgrew his reflux and colic Cole grew into a silly, loving, compassionate, outgoing, and LOUD little boy. Cole has a great personality and everyday he makes us laugh, whether it is with a funny dance, a knock knock joke, or him just simply being Cole. He was definitely a surprise addition to our family but I could not and do not want to picture life without him.
Cole, you have made us so proud of the little boy you have grown into. We love everything about you and can not wait to see what type of man you grow up to be. 4 years ago you completed our family and you remind us daily to just be silly and not take things too seriously. You have been a rock for mommy during all this cancer crap and I can not believe that it has been 4 years since you joined us. WE LOVE YOU SOO MUCH!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUBBA!!!!!!!
On October 4, 2007 at 3:30am I got a call from Christiana Hospital stating that I needed to be at Labor and Delivery by 5:00am. With Cole I was being induced a week early because I was so uncomfortable ( I had been pregnant since Feb. of 2006 with only an 8 week break) and because Cole was measuring big. My OB decided that October 4th was a good day since it was his parents anniversary. I got up and got a shower, packed up a diaper bag for Gabby (she was only 11 months old) and got her ready to go to Grammy's. Ryan and I dropped Gabby off and headed to meet my sister at Christiana Hospital. I arrived at 5:00am and went upstairs to the waiting area to be called. I was so nervous, and now that I look back on everything I have been through I would love to be sitting in a waiting room preparing to have a baby then everything I prepare for now.
A nurse finally came and got us, and I remember her so well she was NOT a morning person. She took us to our labor and delivery room and looked at my chart, she asked if I really just had a baby 11 months ago. I told her yes and she said wow 2 babies in one calendar year, I know. I remember being so nervous about having Cole, I was not the same nervous as I was with Gabby. With her it was nervous about labor, nervous about becoming a mommy, and just no clue what I was in for. With Cole I knew he wasn't "ready" to be born yet, he was so high still but I was so tired of being pregnant that I wanted him out. I was nervous because during Gabby's birth there were "complications" (more on that in 3 weeks) I just wanted everything to go smooth. The nurse hooked me up to Pitocin and told me to let her know when I wanted an epidural, I figured I had plenty of time, I was not having any contractions yet and as soon as I said I wanted an epidural last time the anesthesiologist was there in less than 2 minutes.
The morning seemed to be dragging by, I was all hooked up and having small contractions by 6:00am, at 8:00am my doctor arrived, with a big gulp and his cell phone, to break my water. He told me that once he does this the contractions will really start to pick up, boy was he right. The contractions were so bad in my lower back that I could not even breathe when I was having them, I asked for the epidural and was told the one and only anesthesiologist just went into a c-section and he would be about 45 mins. Are you kidding me! These were the worst pains I have ever felt in my life. Once I finally got the epidural it really didn't seem to help, I was so aggravated and not friendly at this point. Just my luck the Phillies were playing in a playoff game that was on at 1:00pm, so my husband and doctor were very preoccupied with watching the tv. After 10 hours of labor my doctor informed me that it was time to start pushing and that Cole was "sunny side up" meaning he was facing up instead of down, so that explained why the contractions hurt so bad and my back was killing me. 2 hours after I started pushing I still did not have a baby, the doctor told me that Cole was still very high and that they were going to get the O.R. ready for a c-section. I got very angry and told him that he induced me so he better figure out a way to get Cole out without a c-section. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER anger the doctor that this delivering your child. He told me ok and hooked a "vacuum" device to Cole's head and braced himself with one foot up against the wall and the other leg up against the bed and then he started to pull, all his veins were showing in his head , I was sure he was going to deliver just a head with no body attached. He was pulling with everything he had and just like that out came a very chunky and angry looking little boy. Cole's cord was wrapped around his neck and the doctor quickly grabbed it and ripped it over Cole's head. He weighed in at 8lbs 1oz and of course he looked exactly like Ryan too. It is crazy because you don't realize how much you can love another person until you are looking at your newborn child.
Cole was such a good baby the first day and night of his life. The next morning Cole started crying a lot and did not stop for the next 11 months. When he was 3 weeks old we took him to the emergency room at AI because he had cried for 25 straight hours!! He was diagnosed with colic and acid reflux, being around newborn Cole was a joy. After he outgrew his reflux and colic Cole grew into a silly, loving, compassionate, outgoing, and LOUD little boy. Cole has a great personality and everyday he makes us laugh, whether it is with a funny dance, a knock knock joke, or him just simply being Cole. He was definitely a surprise addition to our family but I could not and do not want to picture life without him.
Cole, you have made us so proud of the little boy you have grown into. We love everything about you and can not wait to see what type of man you grow up to be. 4 years ago you completed our family and you remind us daily to just be silly and not take things too seriously. You have been a rock for mommy during all this cancer crap and I can not believe that it has been 4 years since you joined us. WE LOVE YOU SOO MUCH!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUBBA!!!!!!!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tissue Expander Implants
Today is 2 weeks since my surgery and 2 weeks since the most uncomfortable, annoying, and painful implants were placed in my body. I met with my BFF (Dr. Pahnke) today, as we walked into an exam room his assistant told us today was his 60th birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! When he walked into the exam room he was not his chipper self, he said the lady he just saw gave him a hard time and yelled at him because he did her biopsy and then went away for 4 days. She wanted to know how he could go away without calling her and giving her results, he said her exact words to him were "you have no idea how emotional having breast cancer is", he looked at me and said "I told her you do NOT have cancer, why don't you go talk to my next patient, 31 with cancer and just had a bilateral mastectomy, about how emotional breast cancer is", feisty. I felt bad for him, how could anyone be upset with him, he is an incredible doctor who is GREAT at what he does, I will forever be indebted to Dr. Pahnke. Anyway, after our convo he walked over to me and grabbed my arms and straightened them out in front of me, OMG the pain. He then said to lay down and he lifted my arms above my head, I thought I would faint from the pain, after my arm was stuck above my head he started to feel the implant. Feeling the implant is a weird experience because on the outside everything is numb, I could not feel his hand on my chest at all however, when he grabbed the implant and moved it, now that I felt. I almost came off the table. After he was done inflicting a lot of pain I sat up and asked how long my armpits would be swollen for. He ever so nicely walked behind me grabbed the "swollen" area and was squeezing with all he had he said "oh, it is not swollen, this is all your fat" oh nice. He told me that as I am inflated it will all stretch out and get smaller, great. I have been in pain and very uncomfortable since my 8:45am appointment.
I hate to complain about things now that I have been through hell and back but I have to complain about this recovery. I was told that while I have these tissue expander implants in I will be uncomfortable. Well, they forget to add frustrated, limited, in pain, not able to breathe or lay flat, and many other things to their little list. These implants are not like normal implants, they are made of a very hard plastic and since they are not at full capacity you can clearly feel the edges of them under your skin. They also do not move with your body when you sit up, stand up, or move your arms or torso you can feel them, lovely. Also when you try and take a deep breath it feels like a rubber band is wrapped around your chest and starts burning. There are times when I can not even talk because the implants are rubbing and it takes my breath away. As if this was not bad enough then add in the fact that I still can not use my arms all the way. That is the most frustrating part, I can't lift my arms very high before the pulling and burning starts, therefore, I am not able to open the cabinets in my kitchen, I can't reach my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet, I am not able to open medicine bottles, I can finally dress myself. It takes me around 10 minutes to get a shirt on, 5 minutes for the pants, and make up, forget it. It took me 46 minutes to get a shower the other day and my showers only consist of bathing, I have no hair to wash (I have a buzz cut look now so no lengthy shampooing is needed), 46 minutes to wash my body. I am starting to run out of patients! I am bored out of my mind, I can't really go anywhere, no driving myself until November, I am sick of looking at the walls in my house and sitting in my recliner. The highlight of my day is having Ryan lift me up into his truck so we can go get Gabby from school. And lastly the hot flashes since surgery, SERIOUSLY!! I was having them before surgery, thanks chemo, but now they are insane. I get pins and needles all over my body and then instantly become soaking wet with sweat. My hope at this point is that as my implants get filled they will loosen up and all this nonsense will start to get better, if not this is going to be a very long 6 months!
I hate to complain about things now that I have been through hell and back but I have to complain about this recovery. I was told that while I have these tissue expander implants in I will be uncomfortable. Well, they forget to add frustrated, limited, in pain, not able to breathe or lay flat, and many other things to their little list. These implants are not like normal implants, they are made of a very hard plastic and since they are not at full capacity you can clearly feel the edges of them under your skin. They also do not move with your body when you sit up, stand up, or move your arms or torso you can feel them, lovely. Also when you try and take a deep breath it feels like a rubber band is wrapped around your chest and starts burning. There are times when I can not even talk because the implants are rubbing and it takes my breath away. As if this was not bad enough then add in the fact that I still can not use my arms all the way. That is the most frustrating part, I can't lift my arms very high before the pulling and burning starts, therefore, I am not able to open the cabinets in my kitchen, I can't reach my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet, I am not able to open medicine bottles, I can finally dress myself. It takes me around 10 minutes to get a shirt on, 5 minutes for the pants, and make up, forget it. It took me 46 minutes to get a shower the other day and my showers only consist of bathing, I have no hair to wash (I have a buzz cut look now so no lengthy shampooing is needed), 46 minutes to wash my body. I am starting to run out of patients! I am bored out of my mind, I can't really go anywhere, no driving myself until November, I am sick of looking at the walls in my house and sitting in my recliner. The highlight of my day is having Ryan lift me up into his truck so we can go get Gabby from school. And lastly the hot flashes since surgery, SERIOUSLY!! I was having them before surgery, thanks chemo, but now they are insane. I get pins and needles all over my body and then instantly become soaking wet with sweat. My hope at this point is that as my implants get filled they will loosen up and all this nonsense will start to get better, if not this is going to be a very long 6 months!
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