Goodbye Maurice, you will not be missed. As Dr. Pahnke told me "today is a big day, it symbolizes that everything is officially over and it is time to start living your life again". It feels so good to no longer have that port in my chest. It coming out was a lot easier then I thought it was going to be. When I got to Dr. Pahnke's office this morning I was so nervous. Ryan and my good friend/favorite nurse Dawn were there. We were told that only one person could be back with me while the procedure was being done. I chose to have Dawn stay with me, she is very calming, she has been the only person to ever touch the port so it was perfect that she was there when it came out. Not to mention that Ryan doesn't handle blood and cutting that well, lets not forget what happened to him during my chest tube insertion. The whole procedure took about 20 minutes from start to finish.
Today when I got to see Dr. Pahnke again I was reminded of why I love him so much. He walked in the room and put a hospital looking OR jacket on over his clothes and I asked why he was putting that on, he said "I don't want to get blood on my tie", not too comforting doc! He took one look at my chest and said "WOW! Look at those, did you show them off to the neighbors yet", now remember this is the man that loves to say inappropriate things, however, him saying those things are a great distraction to what he is really doing. He got out his needles to numb the area and I started shaking. I have been stuck so many times over this past year but needles still make me queasy. The needles going in were the worst part of the entire ordeal. They stung really bad. When it was time to cut me open they had Dawn move over to my right side and she held my hand the whole time. I didn't feel him cutting me or anything, he numbed the area very good. I did feel some pressure in my chest as he moved the port around and cut scar tissue, when he pulled it out of me he held it above my face and said " here it is, I gave a you a purple one". It was fairly gross. He then said he was going to pull the tubing out and I might feel it moving through, he was right. It wasn't painful just an odd burning/traveling sensation. When he pulled the tube out he said "and here is the catheter", I was expecting it to be much longer so I said " that's all it is" well to no ones surprise his very appropriate response was "good thing I am not married to you, that's at least 14 inches", I love his humor. Apparently I was bleeding quite a bit, he kept applying a lot of pressure on the artery and he did a lot of stitching. When he was finally done with everything he sat me up, stood next to me, held my hand, and rubbed my back for about 5 minutes. He was talking to me about Disney World and about how 1 year ago I was just starting this journey. He said he was proud of me and he was happy it was finally over for me. Those are the little things that he does that makes you realize that he is doctor that is in his profession for the right reasons. He really cares deeply about his patients, he always takes the time to show you how much you mean to him. After I got dressed I took a picture of the port with my phone to show Ryan. He and Dawn both agreed that if was in there he would have been on the floor.
Dawn was a great person to have with me, she talked to me during the whole procedure, she never let go of my hand, and she made me feel safe. I will never be able to say how much she means to me, she has been there every step of the way with me. She got me through so much and has continued to help me emotionally through all this. She definitely chose the right career path, she is so caring and compassionate, I am so glad that I get to have her as my nurse/coworker/friend.
They said all this would be one year out of my life. Today it was exactly one year since I had the port put in. Everything came full circle today and I am glad to say GAME OVER!! Amy won :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
1 year, port removal and Disney World
On March 24th I passed the one year mark of my diagnoses. I can't believe that it has been a year. When I think back on the night that forever changed me I feel so proud of myself. I have come so far and overcome so many things. I remember thinking about everything that I was about to go through and feeling like there was no end in sight. When in actuality the year flew by! I know I have said in previous posts how thankful I am for my doctors but saying it a few times doesn't feel like enough. I honestly feel like I hit the doctor lottery (if there was such a thing). I would not trade Drs. Pahnke, Misleh, or Saunders for anything. Each of them have been so caring, compassionate, and have all gone above and beyond what a doctor has to. Dr. Panke did such an incredible job with my surgery, he spent so many of his own personal hours talking to my husband and I. He took the time to invest in me and my family and he really truly cared. It wasn't the I have to because I am your doctor and it is my job care it was I am going to do whatever it takes whenever it needs to be done care. Seeing him every 6 months now feels like a lifetime between appointments, I actually miss him. Dr. Misleh knows how I feel about him, he has the hardest job in the world at times and the best at other times. There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel grateful for him. He got me through the worst year of my life, now anyone that knows me knows that I can be a little much to handle at times and some might even say I am dramatic (which I totally am)but Dr. Misleh never downplayed any of my feelings or concerns, he listened to my crazy questions and silly reasoning for doing things and he had an ability to make me feel calm, maybe it is because he saved my life but when he says something I believe in him with everything I have. Dr. Saunders has such a special place in my heart. I never thought that I would ever look in the mirror again and be happy with what I saw. Dr. Saunders did such an incredible job, he gave me back something that cancer took away from me. Not only did he give me back some boobs but I have to say they are better than the other ones. How many 32 year olds with two kids can say they have perky twenty year old boobs, it's nice. Everyday I feel more and more like myself again and everyday I am one step closer to hearing the word cured.
Yesterday, April 5th, I received my 18th and final Herceptin infusion! I also get to have my port, or Maurice as my kids call it, removed next Wednesday morning ( side note, DO NOT YouTube any procedures you are going to have done, you will find a video and it will scare the crap out of you). I am so excited to finally have that thing removed from my body. Of course I am nervous, the thought of my collapsed lung when it went in terrifies me. Now of course there is no chance of them collapsing my lung while removing it but it still haunts me. That was the worst experience of my life and I will never let anyone give me a chest tube again. Having the port removed feels like it is all officially over, something I have been dreaming about and wanting to happen for the past year.
DISNEY WORLD! In ten days we will pack up the car and travel to sunny Florida for seven days of just the Minskers. We have never been a family vacation before, the last time Ryan and I went away was to the Outer Banks while I was pregnant with Gabby. The kids can hardly contain their excitement but I think mommy might just be a little more excited. I am so grateful for the women in radiation who nominated my family for this trip and even more thankful for the For Pete's Sake Foundation for choosing my family for this trip. It is going to be so nice to not think about anything that has happened, to see my kids faces when they see Disney and to make some really great memories with Ryan, Gabby, and Cole.
All in all what started out as being a horrible journey that I didn't want to go on, it is endidng with me feeling I am grateful for each experience I have had.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
1 week with my new boobs
Today has been one week since I had those pesky expanders removed and the gummy bears put in. I thought all would be perfect a week later, not so much. I still love the new "girls" however, I am so sore, bruised, tired, and the pressure in my chest is unreal. I had my one week post op appt yesterday, Dr. Saunders is out of town so I had to see one of his associates, lets just say I am glad I have Dr. Saunders. The doc came in looked at my chest and said everything is healing nicely. He moved the implant on the right side closer to the middle to give me "nice cleavage". After the expanders were completely filled the gap I had between my boobs was bad, I could literally fit a water bottle in between them. So, since he moved the right side over I am very bruised on that side. These implants are so much nicer than the expanders. I do feel as though there is an elephant standing on the middle of my chest. They told me that the pressure and tightness will last about two weeks, that I needed to remember someone was in there moving things around and placing two foregin objects into my body.
I asked the fill in doc yesterday if I could see exactly what was in my chest, she got one of the implants for me to hold. Holy crap! It was a large, heavy, squishy round blob. She said the "show" implant was only 600cc's so the one in my chest was 100cc's bigger. No wonder it hurts. I am in no way against people who decide to have implants placed but I do think they are a little on the crazy side. There is no way I would voluntarily put myself through this. As with everything else I have been through this year I am just going to take it one day at a time and heal from this surgery.
Anyway, I still have my stitches in, they can not come out until Monday. Just the thought of those things holding my skin together make me a little queasy.
I asked the fill in doc yesterday if I could see exactly what was in my chest, she got one of the implants for me to hold. Holy crap! It was a large, heavy, squishy round blob. She said the "show" implant was only 600cc's so the one in my chest was 100cc's bigger. No wonder it hurts. I am in no way against people who decide to have implants placed but I do think they are a little on the crazy side. There is no way I would voluntarily put myself through this. As with everything else I have been through this year I am just going to take it one day at a time and heal from this surgery.
Anyway, I still have my stitches in, they can not come out until Monday. Just the thought of those things holding my skin together make me a little queasy.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Dr. Saunders and my new boobs
Yesterday, March 15th, I had my final surgery to have the tissue expanders ( or coconuts as my kids called them) replaced with my new high profile gel implants. It feels so good to have those uncomfortable expanders out. I was very nervous going into this final surgery, it was being done at the Limestone Medical Centers surgi suite. I really wanted to be in a hospital but Dr. Saunders does his surgeries there so I did trust him. Don't get me wrong I was very nervous and I cried A LOT ( shocker huh). Everyone told me it was very common to be more scared of this surgery. The last surgery served a purpose, to make cancer free, this one was just to get implants. I was told it would be a super easy surgery but I was still on edge. Next week marks the 1 year anniversary of all this and my anxiety level is high. Anyway, back to my boobs and Dr. Saunders.
I met with Dr. Saunders last week to go over everything and get the final size and implant information. The biggest implant that they make is 800cc's, my expanders were filled to 650cc's, I asked him if I could go bigger and he said he could pump the implant up to 700cc's since the muscle was stretched to fit a 650 implant. Now, 700cc's may seem like a lot and for a person with breast tissue getting this size it would be very big. I have no breast tissue so I am just implant muscle and skin, the new girls aren't that big. I should be a full C cup when all is said and done. These implants are wonderful, they are squishy, I feel normal again. The expanders were rock hard and they didn't move, making sleeping and pretty much everything else difficult. My doctor decided that since the original scars had healed so nicely he did not want to re-open them, instead he went under my boobs this time. He also fixed my Tori Spelling gap in my boobs. I feel so much better now.
Dr. Saunders was the plastic surgeon that I had always had in my mind from the beginning. I knew he was a great surgeon, he operated on my nephews eyebrow when he was 1. When Dr. Pahnke told me that he recommended him I knew it was going to be good. He is an extremely caring, compassionate, and talented man. He has thanked me for letting him be a part of this. Not to mention that he is pretty funny too.
When I arrived at the surgi center I was beyond nervous. I gave them my name and lost it. Thank God that we were the only people in there at 6:45am. Once I got back in the pre-op room, Ryan and my mom came back with me, I was able to calm down a little. I told the nurse that I was extremely nervous and was afraid that I would not wake up, she said "we haven't lost a patient yet". That's good. Everything seemed to be moving quickly, I figured since I was scheduled for so early in the morning my doctor would be late, he wasn't. He came in after about 5 minutes and said "ready", I told him I was very scared and asked if he would make sure I was ok. He bent down in front me to draw on my chest and he said " have I let you down yet" I said "no", he responded with " well I am not gonna start now". I started to feel a little better, after he left to get the OR ready, my anesthesiologist came in. He was super friendly and funny, everyone at Limestone was incredible. The doc started my IV and said he had something to make feel better, he gave me a shot of Versed. It took maybe 1 minute to kick in. After that I was pretty calm. The anesthesiologist said I had been through the worse and this was going to be simple. When it was time to go to the OR they brought me a wheel chair since I was a little unsteady. I said bye to Ry and my mom and off I went. I felt pretty good going into the OR this time, it didn't last long. As soon as I got in the OR I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I got up on the OR table and saw 2 anesthesiologist and Dr. Saunders. I layed myself down on the table and started crying, I remember I just kept saying " I wanna wake up, please make sure I wake up" Dr. Saunders was standing right next to me and I asked him to hold my hand until I was asleep. He said absolutely. He took my hand and told me I was going to be fine. They gave me another shot of Versed, then they brought over the "oxygen". They said "you are crying so hard we need to give you a little oxygen", I said "that is anesthesia not oxygen". He giggled and said just take a deep breath and relax. Next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and looking at Dr. Saunders. He was last person I saw before going to sleep and the first face I saw when I woke up. I looked at him and I just said "thank you". He said " I told you, you would wake up". Waking up from that crap is hard. You feel lost. After I was in recovery for a bit they said I could get dressed and go home. I was very nervous to see what it looked like. When I took the hospital gown off I was in complete shock! He did an AMAZING job. They are no were near as perky as the expanders, they are round and expand across my entire chest instead of just sitting there. I am very very happy with the results. They are an entire cup size smaller than my orginal boobs but I love them. Dr. Saunders really does a great job. I have to wear a sports bra for the next couple of weeks since I was cut underneath and to help squish them down so they don't rise up before they are healed.
I am so glad that I can put this behind me now. They are very sore today and itchy. I have an allergy to steri strips and tape but, he stitched, glued, and steri-stripped me, then covered me with gauze and tape. The two things I am allergic to, which is probably why I am itchy. Oh well, I can live with the itchiness over the expanders any day.
I am sorry if this post seems all over the place, I am jacked up on pills. I am going to rest now and let my new girlies heal. Thank you Dr. Saunders!!!!
I met with Dr. Saunders last week to go over everything and get the final size and implant information. The biggest implant that they make is 800cc's, my expanders were filled to 650cc's, I asked him if I could go bigger and he said he could pump the implant up to 700cc's since the muscle was stretched to fit a 650 implant. Now, 700cc's may seem like a lot and for a person with breast tissue getting this size it would be very big. I have no breast tissue so I am just implant muscle and skin, the new girls aren't that big. I should be a full C cup when all is said and done. These implants are wonderful, they are squishy, I feel normal again. The expanders were rock hard and they didn't move, making sleeping and pretty much everything else difficult. My doctor decided that since the original scars had healed so nicely he did not want to re-open them, instead he went under my boobs this time. He also fixed my Tori Spelling gap in my boobs. I feel so much better now.
Dr. Saunders was the plastic surgeon that I had always had in my mind from the beginning. I knew he was a great surgeon, he operated on my nephews eyebrow when he was 1. When Dr. Pahnke told me that he recommended him I knew it was going to be good. He is an extremely caring, compassionate, and talented man. He has thanked me for letting him be a part of this. Not to mention that he is pretty funny too.
When I arrived at the surgi center I was beyond nervous. I gave them my name and lost it. Thank God that we were the only people in there at 6:45am. Once I got back in the pre-op room, Ryan and my mom came back with me, I was able to calm down a little. I told the nurse that I was extremely nervous and was afraid that I would not wake up, she said "we haven't lost a patient yet". That's good. Everything seemed to be moving quickly, I figured since I was scheduled for so early in the morning my doctor would be late, he wasn't. He came in after about 5 minutes and said "ready", I told him I was very scared and asked if he would make sure I was ok. He bent down in front me to draw on my chest and he said " have I let you down yet" I said "no", he responded with " well I am not gonna start now". I started to feel a little better, after he left to get the OR ready, my anesthesiologist came in. He was super friendly and funny, everyone at Limestone was incredible. The doc started my IV and said he had something to make feel better, he gave me a shot of Versed. It took maybe 1 minute to kick in. After that I was pretty calm. The anesthesiologist said I had been through the worse and this was going to be simple. When it was time to go to the OR they brought me a wheel chair since I was a little unsteady. I said bye to Ry and my mom and off I went. I felt pretty good going into the OR this time, it didn't last long. As soon as I got in the OR I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I got up on the OR table and saw 2 anesthesiologist and Dr. Saunders. I layed myself down on the table and started crying, I remember I just kept saying " I wanna wake up, please make sure I wake up" Dr. Saunders was standing right next to me and I asked him to hold my hand until I was asleep. He said absolutely. He took my hand and told me I was going to be fine. They gave me another shot of Versed, then they brought over the "oxygen". They said "you are crying so hard we need to give you a little oxygen", I said "that is anesthesia not oxygen". He giggled and said just take a deep breath and relax. Next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and looking at Dr. Saunders. He was last person I saw before going to sleep and the first face I saw when I woke up. I looked at him and I just said "thank you". He said " I told you, you would wake up". Waking up from that crap is hard. You feel lost. After I was in recovery for a bit they said I could get dressed and go home. I was very nervous to see what it looked like. When I took the hospital gown off I was in complete shock! He did an AMAZING job. They are no were near as perky as the expanders, they are round and expand across my entire chest instead of just sitting there. I am very very happy with the results. They are an entire cup size smaller than my orginal boobs but I love them. Dr. Saunders really does a great job. I have to wear a sports bra for the next couple of weeks since I was cut underneath and to help squish them down so they don't rise up before they are healed.
I am so glad that I can put this behind me now. They are very sore today and itchy. I have an allergy to steri strips and tape but, he stitched, glued, and steri-stripped me, then covered me with gauze and tape. The two things I am allergic to, which is probably why I am itchy. Oh well, I can live with the itchiness over the expanders any day.
I am sorry if this post seems all over the place, I am jacked up on pills. I am going to rest now and let my new girlies heal. Thank you Dr. Saunders!!!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
My story
Today I had the honor of sharing my story. I was asked by a co-worker if I would be interested in coming to her church and share my journey with a group of women. I was very excited to be able to do this. I am not going to lie as the time came for me to get up there and share, which meant read, the 10 pages that I had written I was sure I was going to vomit on myself. I have never spoken in front of a group of people before, I had written a quote on the top of my papers that my good friend Dawn had given to me at the beginning of my treatments. The quote was written on a rock, it says "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" F.D.R.. I wrote this down so I would be able to look at it and calm myself down if I started to freak out. I would like to share my story on my blog. Somethings may sound familiar since I tried to document my entire journey, the purpose of putting this on my blog is so that maybe one person who has not read my blogs will see this one post and be inspired, that maybe one person who was just diagnosed will see this and know that everything they feel is normal and they will get through it, that maybe I can help someone who is going through something. Here is my story:
My name is Amy Minsker, I am 32 years old, I am a mommy to a 5 year old little girl named Gabrielle and a 4 year old little boy named Cole. I am the wife of an extremely caring, compassionate and wonderful man named Ryan and on top of all these things I know get to add cancer survivor to my list.
My journey with this disease began on March 24, 2011. One week prior to this my son, Cole, and I were sitting on the couch together, when he went to get up he elbowed me in the chest. Over the next few days I noticed that the right of my chest was very sore. I also noticed the area where he had elbowed me became very hard, I was certain it was just a bruised muscle and when on with my daily life. Over the next week I had decided to ask a few co-workers what they thought, I was encouraged to have one of the doctors I work for take a look ( that is an added bonus of working for oncologists). As soon as he started to examine me I knew the look on his face was bad. I was sent the very next day to see a surgeon, a man who became a huge part of my life, a man who I am forever indebted too. The day I was told I had cancer is one I will never forget, it is the day that I not only was told about cancer but it is also the day I came face to face with my biggest fear, death. For me fear has always been a huge part of my life. I have struggled with extreme anxiety and panic attacks since I was 18 years old. I was afraid of so many things that my fears had finally consumed my life. I seeked out many different therapies for my anxiety but nothing seemed to work for me. I thought having spent the past 32 years afraid of everything that I knew about every type of fear imaginable, I was wrong. The fear that came with this was different. I was not only afraid for me but I was afraid for my children. How do I tell them? How do I comfort them? How do I answer their questions? After the doctor said "this is cancer" their faces were the first things that entered my mind. I kept having flashes of them growing up without their mommy, I kept imagining having to say goodbye to them way too soon. I could not focus on anything the doctor was saying, I just begged him to not let me die. I kept repeating over and over "I have two small kids and now I am going to die", "what about Gabby and Cole, I can't die". He assured me that we were going to do everything possible to save my life. That first night after hearing that type of news was the worst night of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could do was cry. I looked at my kids and cried, I looked at my husband and cried. I sat all night on my couch next to my husband and just cried. After the first few days had past and I met with all my doctors, I received my final diagnosis ( stage 3A invasive ductal carcinoma) and my treatment was in place was I able to sit down and come to terms with what I was about to go through. The road that was laying in front of me was four months of aggressive chemotherapy, one year of an antibody infusion, a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, radiation, and lastly an antiestrogen pill daily for the next five years. I knew this journey was going to be the hardest, longest, most heartbreaking experience I had ever faced but I also knew it was worth it.
Chemotherapy is just as horrible as you imagine it will be. It terrified me to the point that I would be sick to my stomach and shake just knowing that in order to live I had to have toxins pumped into my body. My fear of chemotherapy was intensified by my anxiety. I was afraid of taking something as simple as Tylenol and now I had no choice, I had to get chemotherapy. I was kept pretty drugged during my 5 hour infusions so I don't really remember actually getting the medicine. However, I do know that every pain, every ache, every nasty side effect was 100% worth it. Everything that came with the chemo, the being sick, losing my hair, losing some fingernails, the extreme fatigue, all of these things temporary but I was permanent. I am standing here today cancer free because of it. After my body had time to heal from chemo it was time for surgery. I had an out patient procedure done in the beginning of this nightmare that ended with a collapsed lung and a hospital stay, so to say I was nervous was an understatement. I was nervous about going under the knife for five hours, I was nervous about what I would look like when I woke up. I was told by my surgeon that I was a candidate for a breast conserving operation or lumpectomy. He was confident he could remove all the cancer without removing my entire breast. I opted to still have the double mastectomy for peace of mind. They say it doesn't offer any greater reduction rate in recurring but in my mind they were the enemy now, they no longer needed to be a part of my body. After my surgery I had temporary implants placed that will be switched out for permanent ones next month. Yes, there was a lot of physical and emotional pain with having a mastectomy. It was hard to accept that any of this was happening at 31 years old. It has been five months since my surgery and I do not regret my decision to have a double mastectomy, I am glad I did.
Once you are told the devastating news that you have cancer, nothing can prepare you for the roller coaster of emotions you are going to go through. I was scared, I had cancer at 31, not a cold or something that could be easily treated. I was scared of the surgery, I was scared of dying. I don't know what happens after leave this life, I just knew I didn't want to be without my kids and husband, I was not ready to find out the answer. I was angry. I was angry it happened to me, I never asked for this, I didn't want this. I would find myself getting mad looking at other mothers and their teenage children, why did that mom get to see her kids grow up? I would get angry looking at an elderly couple eating dinner in a restaurant, why did they get to spend a lifetime together? I was mad that I was scared. Through all of the different emotions that I felt the most difficult to overcome was sadness. I was sad for two simple reasons Gabrielle and Cole. I would look at my beautiful babies and I think I was so lucky to have them but why, why would God take me away from them? I fought so hard to get pregnant, why would God let this happen now when they are so little? I would spend hours thinking about what if they had to go through life without me, I am their mommy, the one person who knows them best. I know when they don't feel well, when they just want to be with me because I can make it all better. Who would they turn to if I wasn't here? I knew I had to fight for them, the very thought of someone else being there for my kids was heartbreaking. I will be the one who helps Gabrielle pick out her wedding dress one day. I will be there to see Cole play baseball in high school and help him decide what he wants to be. I will hold their children in my arms one day. Saying goodbye and leaving Gabrielle and Cole was not and is not an option.
In the past 11 months I have faced numerous tests, been sick from chemotherapy, underwent two surgeries, endured 28 days of radiation, and had one brief hospital stay. I wanted to know why all this was happening to me at 31. I wanted to know why I was being punished. I thought I would never be able to forgive God for making me go through this and possibly taking me away from my family. I spent a lot of hours pleading with God for my life, yelling at him for allowing this happen, and questioning whether or not I even believed. How could a healthy 31 year old with no family history be faced with this? How could any of this be fair? I thought I would be sad and cry forever, I thought I would never be able to accept the fact that my body had been altered. It took me a few months to realize that God wasn't punishing me for something, that this happened to me because I was strong enough to handle it, I just didn't know it at the time. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked medicine and I survived four rounds of chemotherapy. I never thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery) and I survived a five hour major surgery and now have breast implants. I never thought I would stop crying and now my tears are few and far between.
I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear it will return and I will not see my kids grow up, the difference now is I know in my heart that I have done everything possible to keep me cancer free. I know I am stronger then I thought possible. I needed to be put face to face with my fears in order to overcome them. This happened to me because I am strong, because I am confident, because I don't give up, and because I am a fighter. I decided in the beginning of my journey that cancer would not be my death sentence. I have endured a lot of ups and downs during my journey but in the end I survived them all.
Cancer doesn't care if you are young or old, male or female, black or white. Cancer comes into your life with the intention of destroying it but for me, cancer improved my life. I no longer fear anxiety or the issues that come along with it. I know now to enjoy every minute of every day because we are not promised tomorrow, we are not ever promised the rest of today. I got to start my life over again and change whatever I wanted about myself. I learned a lot about myself and I learned that God is good. Cancer was a necessary evil to open my eyes to all these things. Going through this journey was definitely hard, I got through a lot of the bad times with help and encouragement from friends and family. I did receive a plaque from a close friend that had a bible verse on it that holds a special meaning to me. The verse is Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
One in eight is how many people breast cancer affects. 2.5 million is how many breast cancer survivors are currently living in the United States. I am very fortunate and grateful that I am able to stand up here today and share my journey with everyone and say that I am a part of the 2.5 million. Thank you.
So there it is, my story. I really do hope that this reaches just one person. If I can go through this journey and come out victorious anyone can.
My name is Amy Minsker, I am 32 years old, I am a mommy to a 5 year old little girl named Gabrielle and a 4 year old little boy named Cole. I am the wife of an extremely caring, compassionate and wonderful man named Ryan and on top of all these things I know get to add cancer survivor to my list.
My journey with this disease began on March 24, 2011. One week prior to this my son, Cole, and I were sitting on the couch together, when he went to get up he elbowed me in the chest. Over the next few days I noticed that the right of my chest was very sore. I also noticed the area where he had elbowed me became very hard, I was certain it was just a bruised muscle and when on with my daily life. Over the next week I had decided to ask a few co-workers what they thought, I was encouraged to have one of the doctors I work for take a look ( that is an added bonus of working for oncologists). As soon as he started to examine me I knew the look on his face was bad. I was sent the very next day to see a surgeon, a man who became a huge part of my life, a man who I am forever indebted too. The day I was told I had cancer is one I will never forget, it is the day that I not only was told about cancer but it is also the day I came face to face with my biggest fear, death. For me fear has always been a huge part of my life. I have struggled with extreme anxiety and panic attacks since I was 18 years old. I was afraid of so many things that my fears had finally consumed my life. I seeked out many different therapies for my anxiety but nothing seemed to work for me. I thought having spent the past 32 years afraid of everything that I knew about every type of fear imaginable, I was wrong. The fear that came with this was different. I was not only afraid for me but I was afraid for my children. How do I tell them? How do I comfort them? How do I answer their questions? After the doctor said "this is cancer" their faces were the first things that entered my mind. I kept having flashes of them growing up without their mommy, I kept imagining having to say goodbye to them way too soon. I could not focus on anything the doctor was saying, I just begged him to not let me die. I kept repeating over and over "I have two small kids and now I am going to die", "what about Gabby and Cole, I can't die". He assured me that we were going to do everything possible to save my life. That first night after hearing that type of news was the worst night of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could do was cry. I looked at my kids and cried, I looked at my husband and cried. I sat all night on my couch next to my husband and just cried. After the first few days had past and I met with all my doctors, I received my final diagnosis ( stage 3A invasive ductal carcinoma) and my treatment was in place was I able to sit down and come to terms with what I was about to go through. The road that was laying in front of me was four months of aggressive chemotherapy, one year of an antibody infusion, a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, radiation, and lastly an antiestrogen pill daily for the next five years. I knew this journey was going to be the hardest, longest, most heartbreaking experience I had ever faced but I also knew it was worth it.
Chemotherapy is just as horrible as you imagine it will be. It terrified me to the point that I would be sick to my stomach and shake just knowing that in order to live I had to have toxins pumped into my body. My fear of chemotherapy was intensified by my anxiety. I was afraid of taking something as simple as Tylenol and now I had no choice, I had to get chemotherapy. I was kept pretty drugged during my 5 hour infusions so I don't really remember actually getting the medicine. However, I do know that every pain, every ache, every nasty side effect was 100% worth it. Everything that came with the chemo, the being sick, losing my hair, losing some fingernails, the extreme fatigue, all of these things temporary but I was permanent. I am standing here today cancer free because of it. After my body had time to heal from chemo it was time for surgery. I had an out patient procedure done in the beginning of this nightmare that ended with a collapsed lung and a hospital stay, so to say I was nervous was an understatement. I was nervous about going under the knife for five hours, I was nervous about what I would look like when I woke up. I was told by my surgeon that I was a candidate for a breast conserving operation or lumpectomy. He was confident he could remove all the cancer without removing my entire breast. I opted to still have the double mastectomy for peace of mind. They say it doesn't offer any greater reduction rate in recurring but in my mind they were the enemy now, they no longer needed to be a part of my body. After my surgery I had temporary implants placed that will be switched out for permanent ones next month. Yes, there was a lot of physical and emotional pain with having a mastectomy. It was hard to accept that any of this was happening at 31 years old. It has been five months since my surgery and I do not regret my decision to have a double mastectomy, I am glad I did.
Once you are told the devastating news that you have cancer, nothing can prepare you for the roller coaster of emotions you are going to go through. I was scared, I had cancer at 31, not a cold or something that could be easily treated. I was scared of the surgery, I was scared of dying. I don't know what happens after leave this life, I just knew I didn't want to be without my kids and husband, I was not ready to find out the answer. I was angry. I was angry it happened to me, I never asked for this, I didn't want this. I would find myself getting mad looking at other mothers and their teenage children, why did that mom get to see her kids grow up? I would get angry looking at an elderly couple eating dinner in a restaurant, why did they get to spend a lifetime together? I was mad that I was scared. Through all of the different emotions that I felt the most difficult to overcome was sadness. I was sad for two simple reasons Gabrielle and Cole. I would look at my beautiful babies and I think I was so lucky to have them but why, why would God take me away from them? I fought so hard to get pregnant, why would God let this happen now when they are so little? I would spend hours thinking about what if they had to go through life without me, I am their mommy, the one person who knows them best. I know when they don't feel well, when they just want to be with me because I can make it all better. Who would they turn to if I wasn't here? I knew I had to fight for them, the very thought of someone else being there for my kids was heartbreaking. I will be the one who helps Gabrielle pick out her wedding dress one day. I will be there to see Cole play baseball in high school and help him decide what he wants to be. I will hold their children in my arms one day. Saying goodbye and leaving Gabrielle and Cole was not and is not an option.
In the past 11 months I have faced numerous tests, been sick from chemotherapy, underwent two surgeries, endured 28 days of radiation, and had one brief hospital stay. I wanted to know why all this was happening to me at 31. I wanted to know why I was being punished. I thought I would never be able to forgive God for making me go through this and possibly taking me away from my family. I spent a lot of hours pleading with God for my life, yelling at him for allowing this happen, and questioning whether or not I even believed. How could a healthy 31 year old with no family history be faced with this? How could any of this be fair? I thought I would be sad and cry forever, I thought I would never be able to accept the fact that my body had been altered. It took me a few months to realize that God wasn't punishing me for something, that this happened to me because I was strong enough to handle it, I just didn't know it at the time. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked medicine and I survived four rounds of chemotherapy. I never thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery) and I survived a five hour major surgery and now have breast implants. I never thought I would stop crying and now my tears are few and far between.
I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear it will return and I will not see my kids grow up, the difference now is I know in my heart that I have done everything possible to keep me cancer free. I know I am stronger then I thought possible. I needed to be put face to face with my fears in order to overcome them. This happened to me because I am strong, because I am confident, because I don't give up, and because I am a fighter. I decided in the beginning of my journey that cancer would not be my death sentence. I have endured a lot of ups and downs during my journey but in the end I survived them all.
Cancer doesn't care if you are young or old, male or female, black or white. Cancer comes into your life with the intention of destroying it but for me, cancer improved my life. I no longer fear anxiety or the issues that come along with it. I know now to enjoy every minute of every day because we are not promised tomorrow, we are not ever promised the rest of today. I got to start my life over again and change whatever I wanted about myself. I learned a lot about myself and I learned that God is good. Cancer was a necessary evil to open my eyes to all these things. Going through this journey was definitely hard, I got through a lot of the bad times with help and encouragement from friends and family. I did receive a plaque from a close friend that had a bible verse on it that holds a special meaning to me. The verse is Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
One in eight is how many people breast cancer affects. 2.5 million is how many breast cancer survivors are currently living in the United States. I am very fortunate and grateful that I am able to stand up here today and share my journey with everyone and say that I am a part of the 2.5 million. Thank you.
So there it is, my story. I really do hope that this reaches just one person. If I can go through this journey and come out victorious anyone can.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Farewell 2011!
With the holidays quickly approaching I am certain I will not have time to post a blog, so I wanted to post one last blog in 2011. I am looking forward to saying a big farewell to the year from hell. I welcome 2012 (and my 32nd b-day) with open arms. As I sat at work the other day I was thinking about everything that has happened this year, I thought about how the day I realized that I would be going through chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation felt like it was just yesterday. I thought about all the different emotions and "phases" I have gone through and am still going through, I have thought about how much I have changed as a person, how much more life means to me now, how grateful I am to open my eyes every morning. I have learned how much respect and thankfulness I have for the doctors and nurse that saved my life. I have also learned that as much as I would like to be in control I have no control over what the future holds for me.
I decided a few nights ago to go back through my blog and re-read my posts, there are so many things that I either don't remember or that I have chosen to permanently block out. WOW, what a crazy nine months it has been. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I have conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked to take medication (I survived 6 rounds of chemotherapy), I never wanted or thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery), I survived a 5 hour major surgery and have breast implants, and I never thought that I would stop crying after my diagnosis and now my tears are few and far between. Don't get me wrong I still cry sometimes after my kids go to sleep, I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear that I will not be here to see my kids grow up, the only difference now is I think back to everything I have been through and know that in my heart I have done every single thing possible to keep me cancer free. I try my hardest to enjoy every single day with my kids and make sure they know that mommy loves them more then they will ever be able to comprehend. As horrible as having cancer has been I can say that not all has been bad. I got to spend the spring and summer home with my kids, I got to hang out with a really good friend and her babies a lot more, I got to see that after 6 years of working at MOHC they really are an amazing group of people and I can honestly say first hand now that the doctors are brilliant, caring, and at the top of their game. I got to really see what it was like to be faced with the possibility of dying. Now, that is one of the scariest things you can deal with. No one can tell you how to feel or deal with being young and having cancer, no one can understand the emotions that you go through, no one can understand that no matter what the rest of your life has been forever changed. I have to learn to trust my body again, to know that it is ok to get a cold or have headache, it is ok to say I need a break and go to bed at 7:00pm, it is ok to sometimes just sit and have a good cry. I got to see how strong I really am.
To the doctors and nurse that saved my life, I will never ever ever be able to say thank you enough. I have so much respect for my breast surgeon, Dr. Pahnke. Thank you, thank you for taking the time that night in March to sit and talk with my husband after hours, for reassuring me throughout all of this that you were going to "get me out of this mess", for telling me that I WAS going to see my kids grow up. Thank you for the intelligent, caring, compassionate doctor that you are, for doing such an incredible job with my surgery and for never not once making me regret, rethink, or feel unsafe has having you be the man to save my life. I wish there was a way that I could re-pay this man but all I can do is sincerely thank him every time I see him. I have just as much respect for my oncologist, Dr. Misleh, as I do for my surgeon. To be completely honest, before I knew I had cancer, a few co-workers and I would sit around and discuss which doctor we would see if we were ever diagnosed with cancer, I honestly never thought I would choose Dr. Misleh. Not because he is not worthy or not as good as the other doctors, simply because he was new at this. He was new to the practice and didn't have as many years under his belt as the others but I can say with 100% certainty that he is an amazing doctor, he may not be as "seasoned" as the other doctors but he is just as intelligent, he knows what needs to be done, and he has a voice. He never kept me waiting for test results, he never made me feel like I was not going to be ok, he never hesitated to say this is what needs to be done and we are doing it. He knew about my anxiety issues and he went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and highly drugged during chemo sessions (hence the lose of memory), he always has been honest with me, he, just like Dr. P makes you feel like he cares, and most importantly when dealing with something as horrible as cancer is, he always kept a sense of humor. He would keep things serious when they needed to be but he also was able to joke around. Dr. Misleh, thank you for keeping me safe during chemo, for knowing what needed to be done to practically make the cancer disappear, for being caring, for understanding how difficult this was and for giving me the chance at a future, without the knowledge and treatment plan that you created for me Gabby and Cole more than likely would of grown up without their mommy but because of you the chance of having their mommy for a long time became possible. To my super special nurse, Dawn. Ugh! I could barely get through typing the doctors parts without crying, no way I will be able to make it through this one. Every once in a while you meet a person who is so selfless, caring, understanding, and just all around good hearted. Dawn held my hand during every single chemo session, she gave me the chemo and kept me safe during my 5 hour infusions. She has been amazing to my family, including my babies, she has gone above and beyond what she had to. If it wasn't for her I do not think I would have been able to get through chemotherapy, I was never so scared of anything in my life but she knew how to calm down, before the good meds, I felt 100% comfortable in her care and I knew that she was not going to let anything happen to me. Dawn, thank you for everything, for being you, for caring about me, and for being one of three people that saved my life.
With all that being said, I am going to finish up my last 4 radiation treatments and really really enjoy my Christmas this year! Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year, who has supported me, who has sent cards, flowers, food, etc. Thank You!!
I decided a few nights ago to go back through my blog and re-read my posts, there are so many things that I either don't remember or that I have chosen to permanently block out. WOW, what a crazy nine months it has been. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I have conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked to take medication (I survived 6 rounds of chemotherapy), I never wanted or thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery), I survived a 5 hour major surgery and have breast implants, and I never thought that I would stop crying after my diagnosis and now my tears are few and far between. Don't get me wrong I still cry sometimes after my kids go to sleep, I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear that I will not be here to see my kids grow up, the only difference now is I think back to everything I have been through and know that in my heart I have done every single thing possible to keep me cancer free. I try my hardest to enjoy every single day with my kids and make sure they know that mommy loves them more then they will ever be able to comprehend. As horrible as having cancer has been I can say that not all has been bad. I got to spend the spring and summer home with my kids, I got to hang out with a really good friend and her babies a lot more, I got to see that after 6 years of working at MOHC they really are an amazing group of people and I can honestly say first hand now that the doctors are brilliant, caring, and at the top of their game. I got to really see what it was like to be faced with the possibility of dying. Now, that is one of the scariest things you can deal with. No one can tell you how to feel or deal with being young and having cancer, no one can understand the emotions that you go through, no one can understand that no matter what the rest of your life has been forever changed. I have to learn to trust my body again, to know that it is ok to get a cold or have headache, it is ok to say I need a break and go to bed at 7:00pm, it is ok to sometimes just sit and have a good cry. I got to see how strong I really am.
To the doctors and nurse that saved my life, I will never ever ever be able to say thank you enough. I have so much respect for my breast surgeon, Dr. Pahnke. Thank you, thank you for taking the time that night in March to sit and talk with my husband after hours, for reassuring me throughout all of this that you were going to "get me out of this mess", for telling me that I WAS going to see my kids grow up. Thank you for the intelligent, caring, compassionate doctor that you are, for doing such an incredible job with my surgery and for never not once making me regret, rethink, or feel unsafe has having you be the man to save my life. I wish there was a way that I could re-pay this man but all I can do is sincerely thank him every time I see him. I have just as much respect for my oncologist, Dr. Misleh, as I do for my surgeon. To be completely honest, before I knew I had cancer, a few co-workers and I would sit around and discuss which doctor we would see if we were ever diagnosed with cancer, I honestly never thought I would choose Dr. Misleh. Not because he is not worthy or not as good as the other doctors, simply because he was new at this. He was new to the practice and didn't have as many years under his belt as the others but I can say with 100% certainty that he is an amazing doctor, he may not be as "seasoned" as the other doctors but he is just as intelligent, he knows what needs to be done, and he has a voice. He never kept me waiting for test results, he never made me feel like I was not going to be ok, he never hesitated to say this is what needs to be done and we are doing it. He knew about my anxiety issues and he went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and highly drugged during chemo sessions (hence the lose of memory), he always has been honest with me, he, just like Dr. P makes you feel like he cares, and most importantly when dealing with something as horrible as cancer is, he always kept a sense of humor. He would keep things serious when they needed to be but he also was able to joke around. Dr. Misleh, thank you for keeping me safe during chemo, for knowing what needed to be done to practically make the cancer disappear, for being caring, for understanding how difficult this was and for giving me the chance at a future, without the knowledge and treatment plan that you created for me Gabby and Cole more than likely would of grown up without their mommy but because of you the chance of having their mommy for a long time became possible. To my super special nurse, Dawn. Ugh! I could barely get through typing the doctors parts without crying, no way I will be able to make it through this one. Every once in a while you meet a person who is so selfless, caring, understanding, and just all around good hearted. Dawn held my hand during every single chemo session, she gave me the chemo and kept me safe during my 5 hour infusions. She has been amazing to my family, including my babies, she has gone above and beyond what she had to. If it wasn't for her I do not think I would have been able to get through chemotherapy, I was never so scared of anything in my life but she knew how to calm down, before the good meds, I felt 100% comfortable in her care and I knew that she was not going to let anything happen to me. Dawn, thank you for everything, for being you, for caring about me, and for being one of three people that saved my life.
With all that being said, I am going to finish up my last 4 radiation treatments and really really enjoy my Christmas this year! Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year, who has supported me, who has sent cards, flowers, food, etc. Thank You!!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
How time flies
I can't believe it has been a month since my last post. I guess it is a good thing, it must mean nothing really exciting is happening in my world these days. I will catch everyone up on what I have been doing and what is coming up for me.
Up first, implants. I have been completely filled! YAY! I had my last fill on November 10, 2011. I am very excited to not have to go through that any longer. Once Dr. Saunders filled me for the last time he told me he was going to miss me. He said that I was a pleasure to work with and that it is not everyday you meet someone who always has a smile on their face and someone that he looks forward to seeing, that made my day. My implants are filled to 680cc's, which makes me a C. At the time of my exchange surgery he will be able to make them up to a DD if I choose (sorry Ry, not going that big). He told me that I have to wait until March to get exchanged, the skin, muscle, and the expander implant have to settle before I can get a permanent implant placed, and thanks to radiation Dr. Saunders will have is work cut out for him due the skin on the right side losing elasticity. I see him again on March 5th and we will pick out the implant, Saline vs silicone vs gummy bear. Oh the decisions. I am currently scheduled to be exchanged on March 16th. This surgery will be the absolute final step in all of this, Dr. Saunders will also remove my port (thank God) during this procedure so there will be nothing left lingering around.
Radiation is no fun at all. I have 18 more radiation treatments left as of today. They are not painful just a pain. They are every morning Mon-Fri at 7:15am, it takes about 5-7 minutes to get radiated and then I just go right upstairs to work. I am being radiated on the right side, I get radiation to the implant area, my right side under my arm, and my chest. It is very weird to lay there and have this big machine rotate around you and because I have to lay with my head facing to the left I get to look at the radiation machine the entire time and see the little radiation box on the computer fill up and then I see RAD ON and watch as the green box empties. Kind of an unsettling feeling to know that at that moment my body is being radiated. I have been experiencing A LOT of fatigue with this, by 7:00pm I feel like it is midnight and I find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open, also because they are radiating my chest I was told that a portion of my right lung is being radiated as well, so I get the pleasure of feeling like I am winded and short of breath with doing the easiest of tasks, and the metal taste in my mouth that left after chemo has returned. I really do not have any skin changes yet, I have noticed that my surgery scar on that side is more red than the other side. Dr. Strasser, my rad onc, told me that when I am all done my right side will look like it was in the Bahamas while my left side will look like it stayed home. I will be completed on December 28, 2011 at that point I will start on the pill Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. I just want to make sure that no major cancer treatments carry over into the new year.
2011 will go down as the absolute worst year, it will also be the year I learned the most. I learned how strong I really am, both physically and emotionally. I learned how precious life is, how to live and most importantly I learned how to finally conquer anxiety!! It only took cancer and the possibility of dying but I am OVER my anxiety issues. 2012 is going to be a GREAT year, I can feel it.
Up first, implants. I have been completely filled! YAY! I had my last fill on November 10, 2011. I am very excited to not have to go through that any longer. Once Dr. Saunders filled me for the last time he told me he was going to miss me. He said that I was a pleasure to work with and that it is not everyday you meet someone who always has a smile on their face and someone that he looks forward to seeing, that made my day. My implants are filled to 680cc's, which makes me a C. At the time of my exchange surgery he will be able to make them up to a DD if I choose (sorry Ry, not going that big). He told me that I have to wait until March to get exchanged, the skin, muscle, and the expander implant have to settle before I can get a permanent implant placed, and thanks to radiation Dr. Saunders will have is work cut out for him due the skin on the right side losing elasticity. I see him again on March 5th and we will pick out the implant, Saline vs silicone vs gummy bear. Oh the decisions. I am currently scheduled to be exchanged on March 16th. This surgery will be the absolute final step in all of this, Dr. Saunders will also remove my port (thank God) during this procedure so there will be nothing left lingering around.
Radiation is no fun at all. I have 18 more radiation treatments left as of today. They are not painful just a pain. They are every morning Mon-Fri at 7:15am, it takes about 5-7 minutes to get radiated and then I just go right upstairs to work. I am being radiated on the right side, I get radiation to the implant area, my right side under my arm, and my chest. It is very weird to lay there and have this big machine rotate around you and because I have to lay with my head facing to the left I get to look at the radiation machine the entire time and see the little radiation box on the computer fill up and then I see RAD ON and watch as the green box empties. Kind of an unsettling feeling to know that at that moment my body is being radiated. I have been experiencing A LOT of fatigue with this, by 7:00pm I feel like it is midnight and I find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open, also because they are radiating my chest I was told that a portion of my right lung is being radiated as well, so I get the pleasure of feeling like I am winded and short of breath with doing the easiest of tasks, and the metal taste in my mouth that left after chemo has returned. I really do not have any skin changes yet, I have noticed that my surgery scar on that side is more red than the other side. Dr. Strasser, my rad onc, told me that when I am all done my right side will look like it was in the Bahamas while my left side will look like it stayed home. I will be completed on December 28, 2011 at that point I will start on the pill Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. I just want to make sure that no major cancer treatments carry over into the new year.
2011 will go down as the absolute worst year, it will also be the year I learned the most. I learned how strong I really am, both physically and emotionally. I learned how precious life is, how to live and most importantly I learned how to finally conquer anxiety!! It only took cancer and the possibility of dying but I am OVER my anxiety issues. 2012 is going to be a GREAT year, I can feel it.
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