Still no chemo

This is just starting to get frustrating now. I went into to have my platelets checked again on Thursday afternoon and they were up 6 whole platelets! I overdosed myself on an entire bag of carrots (read somewhere carrots increase your platelets) drank some nasty V8 juice and got up Friday morning to get levels checked again. I took all my "chemo stuff" with me so I could get this phase behind me. I had the blood work drawn and went into an exam room to wait for my doc. He came in and said "your counts are still too low", really! They actually went from 59 to 54! We then chatted about my upcoming MRI, and what I have to do. He wants me to keep my MRI for Thursday still, which I am not really ok with because if I get chemo on Monday I am going to feel like crap on Thursday. I don't know about anyone else but when I feel like crap the last thing I want to do is lay in an MRI machine for an hour and listen to the loud banging of the machine and have contrast put into my veins, but oh well. He told me not to be surprised if the MRI shows "residual disease", he would be very surprised if the cancer is completely gone, since I do have DCIS as well, on an MRI this will show up as cancer. No one will know how well I responded to treatment or exactly how much actual cancer I had until after surgery. All of this made me lose it again in his exam room, Ryan asked if I was ok and what was wrong, my doc chimed in and said, he understands why I am upset, I am disappointed about not being able to get the last treatment still and there is still a lot of unknown until surgery. That appointment did not go the way I hoped for. So, I will go back in on Monday and try again. The only problem now is, I woke up today with a cold. Sore throat, stuffy head, a little achy. This has to be cleared up before chemo as well. Oh and I am not taking steroids prior to my last chemo, so now my fear of a reaction is back and tripled! I guess everything went too smoothly so far with chemo. Finger crossed Monday is the day.

On a good note, a friend (Chris Geary), made an incredible cake for my last chemo. He made an enormous round cake that had 2 huge boobs on top which were covered with boxing gloves. Even though I was not able to get the final chemo and have a celebration we took the cake up to cancer center for my co-workers to enjoy anyway. The cake was a hit! Everyone that saw it thought it was so clever and loved it, not to mention it tasted fantastic. If anyone ever needs or wants a cake, like the cake boss cakes, I would highly highly recommend him.
                                  

The cake looks great in photos but pictures really don't do it justice, it was amazing in person!

Another delay in chemo

Today was supposed to mark the end of chemo phase for me, unfortunately, once again my platelet count does not want to cooperate. I went into the Graham yesterday morning to have my blood work done and I got the call about 20 minutes after I left, my platelets this time were only 53,000 and they have to be at least 100,000 to get chemo. This would probably explain why I have an enormous purplish/black bruise that just showed up on my calf. Last Thursday I had to go into Christiana Hospital for an ultrasound of my right leg due to pains and cramping I was having in my leg for 2 days. I was told to go over to make sure I did not have a blood clot, leg was negative for a blood clot. The next day Gabby and I were sitting outside and she asked "mommy what did you do to your leg, it is purple?" I looked at my leg and sure enough, I had a massive bruise on my calf, to my knowledge I did not hit my leg on anything and I certainly had no clue it was there. It is the darkest purple I have ever seen in a bruise, my doc thinks that when I had my ultrasound done my platelets were very low and the ultrasound wand broke some blood vessels. The tech that did my ultrasound was a bigger "Debbie Downer" than me (and that is hard to do), most people that I have come across, in the medical field, so far have been encouraging and always would say things to me like "you got this", "you are going to do great", etc, well "Debbie Downer" asks why I am getting chemotherapy, was pretty sure that was obvious, I told her breast cancer and she said "wow, how old are you", I told her I was 31 and she proceeded with "aww, you are so young, a blood clot is not what you want to take you out", I just said "no, not really". She then went on with some pretty sad stories, not really what I wanted to hear but it is what it is. She told me about one of her co-workers and how she was due next month with her first baby and her husband had served 2 tours in Iraq only to come home and be killed by a drunk driver a month ago, all her stories were like Final Destination nonsense, people who beat a possibly fatal illness or escaped a dangerous situation only to be killed by something silly. I was very happy when she she said my leg was negative and I could escape that exam room.

Anyway, since my counts were too low to get chemo, we will try again Friday morning. I will go in at 9am get blood drawn then wait and see if my counts came up, if so I will get the final round of chemo. I really hope I am able to get this all done on Friday. I am not freaking out this time about not being able to get chemo because although unlikely and maybe even ridiculous, I am telling myself that my counts dropped so low these past 2 times because the cancer is gone and the chemo has nothing to kill off except my blood counts. Staying positive! One week from today I will see the results of my MRI and I will know exactly what the chemo did do, very excited and very nervous for that. Everything is out of my hands, all I can do is pray and wait for the results.

So many things to think about

When this nightmare started in March I thought this was going to be the longest summer of my life, oddly enough it has gone by fairly quickly. I attribute being frightened of getting chemotherapy every 3 weeks to the reason why it flew by. I can not wait to get the final round of chemo next week, I am beyond over what it does to me and how it seems to take a little longer each time to bounce fully back. Now that the end of chemo is coming up next week I have started thinking about a lot of things, I have been thinking about surgery, radiation, returning to work, the Herceptin infusion that I will get until next spring, lasting side effects of chemo, and more importantly how do I move on with my life after cancer.

The first time my surgeon said "it is cancer" the second thing out of my mouth after "I don't want to die" was "take both my breasts off, I don't want them". He told me not to try and make any descions right now because he was confident he could remove it all with a lumpectomy after chemo, I was very persistent in telling him I want them off my body. I have now switched gears and am just plain torn and confused on what to do. My situation is a little more complicated than most breast cancers, most breast tumors are a solid mass, nothing with me can be that simple. I do not have a solid mass, I have a 9cm "large area of linear and branching clumped nonmasslike" thing. Since it was not a definite mass it was thought at first to be DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ), which is the very early stages of cancer, almost pre-cancer,with DCIS you typically have it removed and take a pill of 5 years to prevent anything from happening. If DCIS if left untreated it can, over time turn into Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, my diagnosis. Since my area of concern was so large my surgeon biopsied two different spots, one came back IDC, one came back DCIS. The problem then became no one knows exactly how much of what there is, I could have 8 cm of cancer and 1 cm of DCIS or the other way around. The only time that question will be answered is after surgery and they can biopsy the entire area at once. My MRI will give the surgeon a better look at what is there and what he needs to do. I have been doing a lot of research on mastectomies and lumpectomies. There is no statistical evidence that proves one is better than the other, a mastectomy does not increase your chances of survival over a lumpectomy. I am torn at what I should do. People who are not in this situation may say take them off, like I first did, but now after research and talking to different people I really have no idea what I am going to do. I am scared to death of having surgery and would much rather prefer the lumpectomy but I want to be 180% sure that is the right choice. I really do not ever want to go through this again. I trust in my surgeon and I know deep in my heart that he is not going to let me make the wrong choice, he does kind of owe me one. I just don't know how you go into the OR with a set D's on your chest and wake up with nada. Then I would need another entirely separate surgery for implants, and I am told that I can only be given B's after reconstruction, I am fine with that but how do you adjust to all that? I know I am jumping the gun with my thoughts but I like to be prepared and have my mind made up before I even get the MRI or see the surgeon. After surgery I have to have radiation to my chest and just the thought of that makes miserable. I mean sure, after chemotherapy and surgery, radiation is going to be the easy part but I have very sensitive skin, I am allergic to steristrips, tape, anything that touches me makes my skin red and irritate. I can only imagine what radiation is going to do to me. Time will tell.

I am returning to work for a few weeks after my last chemo, I am excited and nervous about this. I will go back to work Aug 2 and work up until I have surgery and then I will go out again. I miss the "normalcy" that comes with getting ready for work, going to work, and coming home but I just hope I am not rushing things. I know that there are plenty of people who work throughout there chemo's but I honestly never could have. On the bright side I will be with my doctor and nurses all day. I have mixed feeling about being in the cancer center all day but that is my place of employment and I love it there so I will re-adjust. It will be good for me to get out of the house a few hours a week and not constantly sit around my house and think about my situation. I just hope that being there full-time again, after surgery, doesn't play against me in moving on with my life. I have an amazing boss who has already told me that she will do whatever I need to make my transition back to work smooth. I know that is true, she has been great to me and my family through all of this and I have a great group of girls behind me. I need to figure out how you move past cancer, I wonder if they offer a class? I am not technically cancer free yet, in my mind and according to my kids I am, but I am trying to get my life back. I was reading a fellow breast cancer survivor's blog today and she said "you have to trust that everything will be ok" and she is right, all I can do now is start thinking about all the things my family is going to do to make up for these lost months. I am ready and excited to start my life again.

Cause baby you're a firework

When I was first diagnosed my sister told me that Katy Perry's song Firework was my song, I cry anytime I hear it now. Fireworks have seem to become my trademark now, they hold a new meaning for me. I actually have 2 new tattoos designed for when this is all over and one is lyrics from the song. The song inspires me to fight, reminds me that I can do it cause I am strong, and is a reminder that after this things can and will better.

Boom, boom, boom even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.

1 more left!

So after my chemo delay rant last week, my friend and co-worker, Michelle (or as I call her Bake) suggested a marvelous idea to me. She said "why don't we have you come in on Friday and just see if your counts are high enough, it can't hurt to check" (may not be the exact words) I was all for it. I went into the cancer center on Friday, July 1, had my blood drawn again and waited around for the results. I was really hoping they would come back good but was prepared to be sent home. About 15 mins after my blood draw Bake gave me the thumbs up and said my counts were good! That was music to my ears, never had I thought I would be happy to get chemo. My platelets went from 69 to 125 in a little over 24 hours, I was ready to get 5 under my belt. I had my usual visit with my doc, nothing new to report, I will get my heart checked 3 more times since one of the drugs I will have to get until next April can weaken your heart, I already have my mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI scheduled for the week after my next chemo, so this appointment I just apologized for being a crazy, emotional mess of a patient. No apology needed he told me I was the perfect patient and all my emotions were completley normal. I headed in the back to get ready for the goods.

I was talking to one of my co-workers while my nurse, Dawn, was hooking everything up and getting the meds started, mid convo I asked Dawn if she just gave me Ativan. Out of no where mid-sentence I felt loopy. The room was moving again and I was ready. For some reason this infusion was different for me, I am not sure if it was because I just want to be done and I know that I have to do 1 more or if my body is just getting sick and tired of all this. I was not too chatty and just wanted to sleep through it. It was like when you have a fever and you keep dosing in and out. It was no fun, it seemed to drag on. I don't even remember leaving this time or the car ride home. I remeber waking up on Saturday morning on my couch, still in the same clothes (which freaks me out, for some reason I think the chemo clothes are tainted, I know weirdo!). Saturday was actually a pretty bad day for me, I had the fever dosing in and out thing again all day, when I was awake I was crying. I had to wait until Sunday this time to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. I absolutely HATE this shot. I know that after I get it within 24 hours I am going to feel like a truck hit me and have bone pain. Well, I think the Neulasta had a point to prove this time.

Monday, July 4th, I honestly thought I was going to die. I woke up at about 4:00am in tears, my entire body hurt, it hurt to breathe, everytime I would move I would gag, I could not stand up my heart was racing, I was sweating profusly, and to make matters worse Cole was sick. He was at AI Dupont the day before because he was running a fever and had red oozy eyes and his pediatrician wanted him on an antibiotic since I had just recieved chemo. He wanted to lay with mommy but we were told to be seperated. To make matters worse, it was the Fourth of July, the kids wanted to see the fireworks as did I. I spent the entire day crying and just wishing it was over, I think it was harder emotionally this time because I knew what side effects were coming and that I did have to endure this 1 more time. Ryan finally got me to calm down enough to fall asleep for awhile. I woke up feeling pretty much the same, I spent the entire day on the couch and by Monday I had not eaten since Friday, everything felt like it was too much to handle. Thank the good Lord that on Tuesday I woke up feeling better, not 100% not even 50% but better then the previous day. I have the same effects as usual, painful mouth, no taste, bone aches, racing heart, feeling loopy, fatigue, and of course crying. Each day is a new day and one day closer to this being over. I am going to try and stay calm and allow my body to do what it needs to get through the rest of this summer because by fall, watch out world I will be back!!!