Life lessons I have learned

It has been 3 months since I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, I have completed 4 rounds of Taxotere/Carbolpatin/Herceptin ( also known as TCH), I have had 1 MRI, 2 ultrasounds, 1 mammogram, 1  PET scan, 1 CT scan, 1 Stereotactic biopsy, 1 port placement, 1 collapsed lung, 1 chest tube, 13 chest X-rays, and 1 week long hospital stay. It seems like my body has been through enough already. Despite having all these tests and medications pumped into me the most important thing is each day I am getting one step closer to being cancer free. Cancer has always been a part of my life, being that I have worked in the cancer center for 6 years. I have always admired the strength and determination that our patients show, I have sat at my desk a million times and have had conversations with my co-workers about what we would do if we were diagnosed and how we would not have the strength that our patients show. I am still in shock that on March 24 I was sitting at my desk like any other day and in a matter of 5 mins my world was flipped upside down. I hate everything that cancer brings into my life, I hate the chemo treatments, I will be just as scared to get the last 2 as was for the first one, I hate the side effects from the chemo, I hate the emotional mess that I am, I hate the unknown, I hate the fact my hair is gone, I hate just about everything that is happening to me right now except one thing. Cancer has taught me a lot about myself, a lot about the person I want to be, a lot about the person I was. Cancer has been the hardest and the biggest life lesson I think I will ever learn.

Before all this happened I was the girl that was not very friendly, I had a small group of friends and I did not want anymore. I was the girl who would give dirty looks like they were smiles, I did not care if I hurt your feelings, I had to have the best of everything, and everything was my way or no way. I was also the girl that was so full of anxiety that I was not enjoying my life, that was taking away from not only me but my family as well. I can honestly say that I was not happy, I looked for reasons to argue with people, including Ryan. I was so frustrated with myself for allowing anxiety to overtake me that if I could argue with someone and get all my frustration out I felt better for a few hours. We have cancelled so many vacations, left vacations early, sat around and wasted the days away due to my anxiety. I have learned that life is so short and so good, who cares if you don't have the best of things, material things can not make you happy, they can not bring joy to your life. Sure they can make you feel good about yourself but a Coach bag, or a pair of $200 shoes don't give the joy and happiness that drawing on the sidewalk with your kids can. I want to see everything the world has to offer, I want to travel, I want my kids to see what is out there, I want to stop obsessing over things I can not control and go with the flow. Personally for me though, the biggest thing I have learned is how to treat people. Every person has a battle of their own, whether it is a disease, a personal issue, or whatever but no one deserves to have their head bitten off by a stranger because they didn't hold the door open at a store, or because you held the door and they didn't say thank you (these are things I have done). Our lives can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye, I can honestly say that when I was first told I had cancer my life flashed before my eyes and what I saw did not make me feel like I have accomplished much. My kids and my marriage are the accomplishments in my life I am proud of. I want to do so much more and I will do more, I will be a better person because of the struggle I have had to go through. Cancer is a bitch and I will never be grateful or happy that I have cancer but I am thankful for what this experience has taught me so far.

Don't get me wrong with this post, I am not perfect, I have not done a complete 360 I just know what things in my life I want to work on and improve. I feel like once this is over I can close the chapter of the first 31 years of my life and start again. I think that from 32 until whenever my life is over I will live a great life. How many times do we get a second chance? For that I am grateful.