Boobs, boobs, boobs

I had my final appt, before surgery, with my breast surgeon the other day and I had my first meeting with my plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction. This surgery is now 2 week away, ah I am a little freaked out.

When I met with Dr. Pahnke we discussed the mastectomy operation and what is involved, I also told him that I have decided on a double mastectomy, I have been going back and forth and needed to make my final decision. He was very understanding as to why I wanted to proceed with the double. He explained to us the operation, good thing I will be asleep, it doesn't sound pretty. He also said this is a big surgery and he wanted to make sure I am mentally prepared for it. I am not. I still am having a hard time dealing with needing to have this done. It is not like I am having my tonsils out. I was told the surgery will last around 4 to 5 hours. I have never been put to sleep before under general anesthesia so I am freaked out completely.

I finally had my meeting with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Saunders. He is one of the nicest most compassionate doctors I have met. We discussed reconstruction and I really did not have too many options. I will be having tissue expander implants placed at the time of the mastectomy. Tissue expander's are temporary implants that go behind the chest wall muscle and get "filled" up weekly by the plastic surgeon. Since I am having a mastectomy they will be taking all the breast tissue out, the expander is used to stretch the muscle and the skin before the permanent implant is placed. Dr. Saunders told us that once a week I will go into the office and he will use his high tech machine, which was a plain old stud finder, to locate the "fill spot" on the implant. The expander implant is a round rough balloon that has a metal port in it, the metal area needs to be located each week so the doctor can inject saline into it. I will get to see my tahs expand each week. The expansion process will take anywhere from 3 to 6 months and then I will get the exchange surgery. I have been told that I will be uncomfortable until the permanent implants put in. The expander's apparently are rock hard and will be stretching the muscle away from my ribs. Dr. Saunders also told me that I have been through so much already that with the expander's he will "fill me up" until I am satisfied with the size. Originally I was going to go smaller than what I am but I have decided that I just want to look the same. I want people, friends and family, to look at me and not be able to really tell that I have had reconstruction done. Obviously, you will be able to tell that the girls are perkier and more round than they should be but I really do not want to have another drastic change to my body. I have already lost my hair, some fingernails, eyebrows, and eyelashes, if I have to lose my boobs I would like my implants to be the same size as the original girls were. Dr. Saunders informed us that he is the doctor that will be causing me pain, when you have a mastectomy they remove everything including the nerves therefore, no pain is involved. I can handle the pain, the pain will mean the end of cancer so bring on the pain. I also will have 4 drains after surgery, they really make me nervous. I can not handle looking at things like that, when I had the chest tube I refused to look at it or even look at my scar for awhile, it makes me queasy. Ryan will have to be in charge of the drains, emptying them and cleaning them, I should only have them for about 10 days. I am going to have some major battle wounds when this is all said and done.

I have been having some major anxiety regarding this surgery. My thoughts of what could go wrong are all over the place. I was originally told that Ryan could stay with me in the pre-op room and then he would be there when I woke up, well I spoke with the pre-op nurse yesterday and she informed me that Ryan can not stay with me, what am I going to do from 10:00 until noon? I will be an emotional mess. She also told me that no one is allowed in the recovery room and I will see Ryan again when I get into my room for the night. Again, not ok with me. They have no clue what they are in for if they do not let Ryan stay with me, someone better have a rather large sedative ready when I arrive at the OR that morning. A good friend gave me some good advice she told me that I am not responsible for the first thought that enters my mind but I am responsible for the second thought. I have thought about this for a while and she is absolutely right, I find myself trying to let the negative thoughts go and not allow myself to turn one thought into a stream of bad thoughts. It has been a challenge but what in these past 6 months hasn't been.