Ouch!

 I want to say thanks to my hubby, Ryan, for writing the last post for me, he did a wonderful job. I also want to say thank you to all the friends and family members that stood beside me these past 6 months. If it was not for all of them I would not be where I am today, all the love, support, cards, everything helped to encourage me to fight through everything and for that I got the ultimate ending, CANCER FREE. I got all 3 of my JP drains out Monday (OUCH and yuck, more on them later) so I am now able to move my arms more which means I can type. I would like to give my side of the surgery experience and basically complain about the recovery, even though it is not as bad as I had myself prepared for. I had 2 great surgeons (one I am loving more and more each day) who made me a promise to keep me safe and make me cancer free. I will try to not re-type things that Ryan has already written.

Two nights before surgery, as I tucked the kids into bed, it finally all hit Gabrielle. I hugged her and as I went to kiss her goodnight she whispered into my ear "please call Aunt Mandy", I told her it was 8:00pm and she would see Aunt Mandy in the morning at school, well she completely lost it and just kept saying "please call Aunt Mandy, I need to talk to Aunt Mandy". I grabbed my phone and called my sister, I told her Gabby was crying and wanted to talk to her, I was sitting on the bed next to Gabby and her conversation broke my heart. She told Aunt Mandy she was scared, she didn't want mommy to have surgery and she didn't want mommy to go to Heaven. I had to walk out of the room, I could not keep it together. She talked to my sister for a bit and she calmed right down. After her conversation I let her get out of bed and stay in the living room with me, how could I not? The next 2 days I tried my hardest to be excited about surgery in front of her, I don't think Cole really was able to process what was going to happen in a few days. I managed to keep it together in front of them but every night after they were in bed I would sit in the living room and cry. I cried because I was scared, because I didn't want to have this surgery, and because it all was becoming too much for me to handle.

The morning of surgery I was up by 3:00am. I laid in my bed and stared and my kids, kind of creepy, and then I got up and went in the living room and cried until everyone got up. I packed my bag for the hospital and the kids bag for the day, when it finally was time to leave I helped the kids get into my dad's truck and I said my goodbye to both of them. I have never had to try so hard to fight back tears in my life. I did not cry one tear drop in front of them that morning, I told them I would call them later that night and I promised I would be home the following night. Once I got in my car and closed the door the flood gates opened. I cried hysterically, I was sure that was the last time I would ever see, hug, kiss, or talk to Gabby and Cole. The drive to the hospital seemed like it took 2 minutes to get there. Once inside we met with some of my co-worker/friends and they said a very beautiful prayer for me and I of course cried. I hugged them each very tightly and said my good byes. As I walked down the hall in the Surgical Procedure Unit I could feel my heart start beating faster and I had the urge to turn around and run. I knew I had to go through with this and this would be the surgery that would give me the opportunity to see my kids grow up. I signed myself in and had a seat in the waiting room, I saw my number on the operating room schedule board and was pretty sure I was going to hyperventilate. I kept asking my sister and Ryan if everything was going to be ok, I knew they were going to say yes and I also knew they had no clue. When the lady finally called my name I looked at Ryan and completely lost it, I was a big girl though. I gave my things to him said bye and walked away, the nurse asked if I was ok and I just shook my head no, she said "well grab your husband then sweetie, I don't want you this upset", I turned around very quickly and motioned for Ryan to come with me. Once I got in my prep and holding room and on the stretcher I started to calm down. Ryan and I chatted and tried to joke around, after they did everything they needed to do they let my sister, mom, and grand mom come back as well. The nurse came back in and said she had called upstairs to pre-op to ask if Ryan could stay with me and they told her no. They said he needed to wait out in the waiting area because they were very busy up there. I instantly started shaking and my anxiety level was through the roof again. They finally came back in and said it was time to go upstairs, they were ready for me. As we were in the elevator I kept praying that it would break down and buy me some time, it didn't. We got off the elevator and they wheeled me the pre-op area, when the lady stopped pushing the stretcher she said "ok guys here is where you say good bye" I started to breathe very heavy and I did not want to let go of Ryan's hand. I hugged everyone good bye and when I hugged Ryan I couldn't let go. I begged him to not let me go and to please promise me that he would take care of Gabby and Cole. Just as Ryan stepped away a very nice lady in a business suite came up to me and said "oh honey it is going to be ok, would you like to hold my hand?" I said "no" but took her hand anyway, she asked if that was better and I said "no" she said "would you like your husband to stay with you" I quickly responded with "YES". She looked at Ryan and said "you can come with her, we don't want anyone this scared, it is not scary up here". Yeah, ok, not scary, I am about to be knocked out for 5 hours, a little scary. Being rolled through pre-op is not comforting, there is people everywhere, all you hear is machines beeping and people making noises, and it is very dimly light. Once they wheeled me into my spot I was greeted by a very nice man named Frank. Frank was very soothing and he calmed me down, he told me I would be asleep before I knew it and then poof awake. He said the hardest part is going to be for Ryan and my family, they have to stay awake for the next 5 hours and wait. Everything seemed to happen rather quickly in pre-op, I met my anesthesiologist, one of the nurses that was going to be in the O.R. with me and I got to see Dr. Pahnke and Dr. Saunders one last time. Dr. Saunders came in first and he asked if I was ok, I told him no and he said to me "we have no first timers here today, we are all vets at what we do and I will not let anyone else touch you, you are going to be fine, I will make sure of it", I thanked him and he then drew all over my chest, that was the last time I would ever see the "girls". Up next my all time fave, Dr. Pahnke, he walked around the curtain took one look at Ryan and said "hey why are you here", Ryan pointed to me and I said "Dr. Pahnke I am sooo scared" he responded with "what happened, last night you were ok, what changed, nothing is going to happen to you I am here", the night before my surgery Dr. Pahnke called me to check on me, I told him how scared I was and he promised me everything was going to turn out how we wanted. After he chatted with me a bit he looked at the anesthesiologist and asked why she had not given me a sedative and why was I sitting there crying, I should have been in la la land by now. Dr. Pahnke grabbed his needle that he need to stick in my chest and the anesthesiologist grabbed 2 shots of something out of her magical little pack. Everything from here gets foggy and sporadic, I remember looking at Ryan while she was giving me the "good stuff", I don't remember the needle in my chest or being wheeled to O.R.. I don't remember my last convo with Ryan but the Coach bag comment is totally me. The next thing I remember was moving from the stretcher onto the O.R. table, I asked the O.R. nurse if the room was supposed to be that cluttered and told her it could have been nicer. I remember my anesthesiologist coming over to me and this conversation happened; me "are you going to be in here with me the entire time" her "yes, I will not leave you" me "well I don't like you" probably not what you want to tell the person who is going to be keeping you alive for the next 5 hours. She laughed and grabbed the "oxygen mask", she said next thing I would her is her saying "Amy time to get up, Amy open your eyes". I told her I knew that wasn't oxygen that it was the night-night medicine and I didn't want it. And that is all she wrote!

"Amy, Amy, what is your pain level Amy" that is the very next thing I remember. I must of muttered something because I suddenly felt hot and was back out. I opened my eyes again and tried to take the oxygen off my face and my nurse said to leave it alone or she would have to strap my hands down. She asked again about my pain and then the hot sensation came back. I did however ask my nurse if I was blind because I couldn't see anything and she just responded with "open your eyes". Good advice, not blind. I opened my eyes again because I could hear "hey babe you did it, it's all over" I looked up and saw Ryan standing there, my nurse said he could only stay for a minute because he was not supposed to be there but he had something to tell me. "Amy, it is over, you are officially CANCER FREE babe" I felt the biggest smile come across my face and I felt the biggest weight lifted off my chest, and not because the girls were gone. He kissed me on the forehead and said he had to go but he would see me in my room, I did not care any longer that I was alone, I was cancer free nothing was going to scare me now. The drug pushing nurse must have injected me 5 times with her hot night-night needle, I remember when the guy came to wheel me to my room the nurse said according to Dr. Pahnke I was VIP and I was going to the "Presidential Suite", I thought maybe it was the meds and I was hearing things but then someone else asked me if I was related to Dr. Pahnke, I told them no and asked why, they said they had strict orders as to where my recovery room was and when you get a recovery room on 7E you don't ask questions. I told them "oh no, not related, he collapsed my lung in April, he owes me one". I fell back asleep and woke back up in the elevator, I believe my nurse had over dosed me on pain meds because I asked the orderly guy where we were going, he said the 7th floor, and I asked if that was Heaven. Apparently, I not only thought you took an elevator to Heaven but it is located on the 7th floor. He just laughed and said "enjoy those meds". I really don't remember too much more from that night, I saw my mom and sister in my room and talked to them for a bit and then they left, Ryan was staying with me so he got his recliner bed ready right next to my bed. Here is the thing about the 7th floor, great private room, nice view, brand new but the nurses, it was like the Rudolph movie with the land of the misfit toys. I remember at 2:00am waking up in pain, I couldn't move so I was not able to reach Ryan (and once he is asleep you have to basically jump on him to wake him up), I could not reach my nurse button so I just laid there until finally someone came in to check my vitals. I got my percocet and went back to sleep.

The next day I had a few visitors and saw both my doctors again. Dr. Saunders came in first and he said everything went perfect as planned, he told me I had 3 drains (insert vomit noise) and asked if I wanted to see my chest. Not really. I did briefly glance down and saw 2 small A cup boobies, not as bad as I thought. He then told me it was up to me on going home or staying, I was going home. I just had to wait and see Dr. Pahnke first. Once he came in he explained to me what he took out and that everything looked great. He did say he took all my lymph nodes out just to be on the safe side. He loaded us up with hospital goodies and sent me on my way. I came home to a white and pink decorated house with signs made by the kids and my niece that said "cancer free". It felt good to be home.

Since being home I have not been able to do much. I was not allowed to lift my arms from the elbows up while I had the drains and I had to stay in the recliner with pillows propping up each arm. I did meet with my oncologist again to go over the final pathology from the surgery it turns out that at the time of surgery the area of cancer that was left measured about 1 millimeter (wow! it started out at 9 centimeters) and only 1 lymph node had been affected with 1/2 a millimeter of disease. Basically it was all micro-disease and those results were the best we could have gotten. I will meet with radiation doctor next week, we have decided to be extra safe and go with radiation to my chest as well. At this point I will do every option available to make sure this cancer NEVER returns.

I have seen my plastic surgeon twice, according to him everything is healing great, it feels very weird and uncomfortable to have these tissue expander implants. They are extremely hard and they don't move with your body. I have a hard time taking a deep breath because all my chest muscles have been scraped, cut, sewn, and angered. On Monday night Dr. Saunders removed all 3 drains, I asked him if it was going to hurt and he responded with "yes, it hurts", just lovely. He did not lie, once I took a deep breath and he pulled the drain tube I could feel it unraveling in my chest and rubbing along my muscles as he pulled it through. Once they were out he said we would meet next week for my first "fill". He is going to put 4 ounces or 120cc's in each side next week, I was instructed to take percocet prior to this appointment, not looking forward to it. As for now I am working on slowly being able to use and lift my arms again, I can not get them very high yet and I am working on straightening my arms as well. I start physical therapy in 2 weeks to help with the arm that has no lymph nodes (I can never have an injection, blood pressure, iv, or blood drawn from my right arm again). Despite all the frustrations that are coming along with this recovery and all the time it is going to take to recover, I am just happy to be cancer free! Gabby and Cole tell me everyday "mommy I am so happy you are cancer free" I just kiss their little heads and say "me too".