Thursday, June 30, 2011
So frustrated
Today was supposed to be round 5 of 6 chemotherapies for me. I was scheduled for my normal time of 12:00, well at 9:30 I got a call from the office stating that my platelet counts are too low for me to recieve chemo today. GREAT! We will try again next week. I don't want this to drag out, I don't want to try again next week, I want to get round 5 today and be one step closer to the end. I was just at work yesterday talking to my boss about a return date to work and getting things in order to start my life again and BAM cancer has a differnt plan. Why can't things just go smoothly, I am already dealing with more than I can handle and now I am going to sit around and worry about my low counts, and about not achieveing optimal results from the chemo because everything is being delayed a week. My last chemo was supposed to be on July 21, now it is on July 28 (if my counts are normal). July 30th is my niece's birthday, I don't want to be sick for her birthday, I wanted to be done everything and be on the road to recover by her b-day, not laying on my couch crying because of how horrible I feel, I really want to scream and punch something. I don't want everything delayed a week, my surgery has to be one month after chemo so I am now looking at September. I know one week may not seem like a big deal but for me it is huge. I am soooo over all of this. Not to mention I took 4 steroids yesterday in prep for today so I get to enjoy all the lovely side effects of them for no good reason. In time I will calm down a bit and realize that its ok, fourth of July has always been one of my favorite holidays and fireworks hold a special meaning to me, it was during the grand finale of the fireworks at the Inner Harbor that Ryan asked me to marry him. So, I guess on the bright side I won't be sick for fireworks this year.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Life lessons I have learned
It has been 3 months since I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, I have completed 4 rounds of Taxotere/Carbolpatin/Herceptin ( also known as TCH), I have had 1 MRI, 2 ultrasounds, 1 mammogram, 1 PET scan, 1 CT scan, 1 Stereotactic biopsy, 1 port placement, 1 collapsed lung, 1 chest tube, 13 chest X-rays, and 1 week long hospital stay. It seems like my body has been through enough already. Despite having all these tests and medications pumped into me the most important thing is each day I am getting one step closer to being cancer free. Cancer has always been a part of my life, being that I have worked in the cancer center for 6 years. I have always admired the strength and determination that our patients show, I have sat at my desk a million times and have had conversations with my co-workers about what we would do if we were diagnosed and how we would not have the strength that our patients show. I am still in shock that on March 24 I was sitting at my desk like any other day and in a matter of 5 mins my world was flipped upside down. I hate everything that cancer brings into my life, I hate the chemo treatments, I will be just as scared to get the last 2 as was for the first one, I hate the side effects from the chemo, I hate the emotional mess that I am, I hate the unknown, I hate the fact my hair is gone, I hate just about everything that is happening to me right now except one thing. Cancer has taught me a lot about myself, a lot about the person I want to be, a lot about the person I was. Cancer has been the hardest and the biggest life lesson I think I will ever learn.
Before all this happened I was the girl that was not very friendly, I had a small group of friends and I did not want anymore. I was the girl who would give dirty looks like they were smiles, I did not care if I hurt your feelings, I had to have the best of everything, and everything was my way or no way. I was also the girl that was so full of anxiety that I was not enjoying my life, that was taking away from not only me but my family as well. I can honestly say that I was not happy, I looked for reasons to argue with people, including Ryan. I was so frustrated with myself for allowing anxiety to overtake me that if I could argue with someone and get all my frustration out I felt better for a few hours. We have cancelled so many vacations, left vacations early, sat around and wasted the days away due to my anxiety. I have learned that life is so short and so good, who cares if you don't have the best of things, material things can not make you happy, they can not bring joy to your life. Sure they can make you feel good about yourself but a Coach bag, or a pair of $200 shoes don't give the joy and happiness that drawing on the sidewalk with your kids can. I want to see everything the world has to offer, I want to travel, I want my kids to see what is out there, I want to stop obsessing over things I can not control and go with the flow. Personally for me though, the biggest thing I have learned is how to treat people. Every person has a battle of their own, whether it is a disease, a personal issue, or whatever but no one deserves to have their head bitten off by a stranger because they didn't hold the door open at a store, or because you held the door and they didn't say thank you (these are things I have done). Our lives can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye, I can honestly say that when I was first told I had cancer my life flashed before my eyes and what I saw did not make me feel like I have accomplished much. My kids and my marriage are the accomplishments in my life I am proud of. I want to do so much more and I will do more, I will be a better person because of the struggle I have had to go through. Cancer is a bitch and I will never be grateful or happy that I have cancer but I am thankful for what this experience has taught me so far.
Don't get me wrong with this post, I am not perfect, I have not done a complete 360 I just know what things in my life I want to work on and improve. I feel like once this is over I can close the chapter of the first 31 years of my life and start again. I think that from 32 until whenever my life is over I will live a great life. How many times do we get a second chance? For that I am grateful.
Before all this happened I was the girl that was not very friendly, I had a small group of friends and I did not want anymore. I was the girl who would give dirty looks like they were smiles, I did not care if I hurt your feelings, I had to have the best of everything, and everything was my way or no way. I was also the girl that was so full of anxiety that I was not enjoying my life, that was taking away from not only me but my family as well. I can honestly say that I was not happy, I looked for reasons to argue with people, including Ryan. I was so frustrated with myself for allowing anxiety to overtake me that if I could argue with someone and get all my frustration out I felt better for a few hours. We have cancelled so many vacations, left vacations early, sat around and wasted the days away due to my anxiety. I have learned that life is so short and so good, who cares if you don't have the best of things, material things can not make you happy, they can not bring joy to your life. Sure they can make you feel good about yourself but a Coach bag, or a pair of $200 shoes don't give the joy and happiness that drawing on the sidewalk with your kids can. I want to see everything the world has to offer, I want to travel, I want my kids to see what is out there, I want to stop obsessing over things I can not control and go with the flow. Personally for me though, the biggest thing I have learned is how to treat people. Every person has a battle of their own, whether it is a disease, a personal issue, or whatever but no one deserves to have their head bitten off by a stranger because they didn't hold the door open at a store, or because you held the door and they didn't say thank you (these are things I have done). Our lives can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye, I can honestly say that when I was first told I had cancer my life flashed before my eyes and what I saw did not make me feel like I have accomplished much. My kids and my marriage are the accomplishments in my life I am proud of. I want to do so much more and I will do more, I will be a better person because of the struggle I have had to go through. Cancer is a bitch and I will never be grateful or happy that I have cancer but I am thankful for what this experience has taught me so far.
Don't get me wrong with this post, I am not perfect, I have not done a complete 360 I just know what things in my life I want to work on and improve. I feel like once this is over I can close the chapter of the first 31 years of my life and start again. I think that from 32 until whenever my life is over I will live a great life. How many times do we get a second chance? For that I am grateful.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A journey of 1000 miles begins with 1 step
So much has happened since my last blog. Our computer broke, my friend Wendy has lent me hers, so I have not been able to blog. It is funny because not being able to write out everything I am feeling has made these past weeks difficult. In the past weeks I have completed chemo number 4, participated in Relay for Life, seen my therapist 4 times, and am starting to get ready for surgery. I will try and remember the details of things that have happened but it has been a while for some things.
On June 3, 2011 Amy's Army participated in the Elkton Relay for Life. Together as a team we raised $1,168.00 for the American Cancer Society. Our team had 30 people and I could never thank each and every person that was there that night. The experience of relay was encouraging, emotional, and tiring. It was an overnight event but at 2:00am we decided to pack up and head home, it was freezing cold and everything was dewy which made it worse. Throughout the night the object was to keep one team member walking the track at all times, there were different themes for the walks which made them more interesting then just walking in a circle over and over. At 9:00pm when it was dark it was time for the candlelight walk, this is when things got emotional. The bleachers at the high school were lit with candles that spelled out "Hope", and the track was lined with luminary bags that had either "in memory of" or "in honor of", I had 2 bags with my name on them and seeing them lit during the walk made for a teary walk. I walked the track during this part arm in arm my with sister and my niece. When we got back to our "campsite" my niece, who is only 7, broke down. She wrapped her arms around my waist and was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she got hurt so I asked her "Maddy what happened", she responded to me with "please don't die Aunt Amy, I don't want you to die". I had no words, I just hugged her back and cried. She kept saying over and over "please don't die". I stood there and held her in my arms for a few minutes and we cried together, after I was able to get myself together I took her face in my hands, wiped her tears and said "Maddy, I PROMISE you that Aunt Amy is not going to die. I have way too much to live for, I have you, Ethan, Gabby, and Cole and I will be here to see you all of you grow up, I promise Maddy." We walked over to one of our tables to get tissues and she hugged me again and was still crying. I told her I would never break a promise to her, and that on her wedding day I was going to remind her of that moment, when I promised her I would beat this if for no one else but her. That was the very first time I saw my diagnosis affect someone. My family and friends have been unbelievably strong through all of this. I have not seen anyone cry, Ryan did the night I was diagnosed, but other than night not one person has shown me they were scared. Maddy was the very first person to make me stop and see how this was weighing on her and it broke my heart. From that point on I have a new reason to fight hard, I have to fight for my kids and my husband, I have to fight for myself but more importantly to me now I have to fight for Madison. My kids are not old enough to really know what cancer means, yes they know mommy has breast cancer, they know she takes medicine that makes her sick, they know she has to get surgery and have her breasts removed, but they don't know what the scary sides of cancer are, they don't sit around and contemplate what horrible things could happen but it is clear to me now that Madison does, I wish she didn't have to go through this more than I wish I didn't. She actually said to me a few weeks ago "when I was a baby and would cry you would always make me feel better, I wish I could make you all better" she always knows how to make me cry! Relay was an experience that I will never forget and I can not wait to participate next year as a 1 year survivor!
Chemo number 4 was on June 9th, which was also my sister's b-day. I can happily report that chemo 4 was the first time I did not cry while sitting in the chemo chair. Wendy brought an ice cream cake so we could celebrate my sisters b-day and Ryan, my mom, Wendy, and Mandy all played cards and waited for the time to pass. I did not join them in cards this time because apparently while I have all those meds running through me I cheat. So I sat back and chatted with co-workers and my nurse Dawn. Time always seems to go by pretty quickly while back there, probably not for everyone else but I am always shocked when the last bag goes up and it has been 4 hours. I will say that this time and the last time I became nauseous during the last medicine and that the nausea lasts until Saturday. This time the side effects were not as bad as the last 3 but they did seem to last longer. I would probably rather be really sick for 2 days and get it over with than have it drag out over almost 2 weeks. I was also fortunate enough to end up with a kidney infection after this chemo. I am so glad I have only 2 more left, one next Thursday 6/30 and then the final chemo on 7/21. I have an MRI scheduled for 7/28 at 8:00am and then I will see my surgeon, Dr.Pahnke, who by the way I miss, that same day at 4:00. We will discuss the results of the MRI and what surgery options I have and when it will take place. Having all these things scheduled makes me feel like the end is finally approaching.
Finally my therapist, I think he truly believes I am insane! He has helped me tremendously though, he is very straight forward and the first time I saw him he asked what I was having the biggest problem with, I told him that I could possibly die and not be here for my kids. I thought he would respond with that is not going to happen but instead he said "yes, that is a possibility". Uh ok. He told me that the only way I will be at ease with death and leaving my children behind was to write them each a letter, something they will always have in case this ended bad. I tried, really tried to write those letters but I was not able to do it. Sitting down and saying good-bye and what I hoped Gabby and Cole had in life and things I wanted to make sure they knew was gut wrenching. All I could do was sob. I told him I could not do that and he told me to write lists then, lists of what I hoped they would become or things I wanted them understand in life, he said these lists are always good to have even if a parent is not sick, so I was able to write down things I want for each of them. For example I want them to be good people, to be honest, to follow their hearts with everything they do, never give up, and always always know that no matter what happens in life they always have a place to come home to and they always have a strong support system behind them. I am getting better with my emotions, I generally only cry once a day now compared to the once and hour I was crying before. I am trying now to not dwell on the fact that I have cancer but it is hard, cancer is on my mind all the time. I am excited to have my surgery and wake up to hear Dr.Pahnke tell me that I am cancer free, once that happens I will be able to stop obsessing over all this and hopefully start to get my life back.
So on my list of things to do this summer, finish chemo, get MRI, have surgery and then begin radiation. Once radiation is done I will start the pill Tamoxifen for 5 years and Amy's Army will be preparing for the breast cancer walk in October. Everything has really been going by fast and I can not believe I am down to the final 2 chemo treatments!
On June 3, 2011 Amy's Army participated in the Elkton Relay for Life. Together as a team we raised $1,168.00 for the American Cancer Society. Our team had 30 people and I could never thank each and every person that was there that night. The experience of relay was encouraging, emotional, and tiring. It was an overnight event but at 2:00am we decided to pack up and head home, it was freezing cold and everything was dewy which made it worse. Throughout the night the object was to keep one team member walking the track at all times, there were different themes for the walks which made them more interesting then just walking in a circle over and over. At 9:00pm when it was dark it was time for the candlelight walk, this is when things got emotional. The bleachers at the high school were lit with candles that spelled out "Hope", and the track was lined with luminary bags that had either "in memory of" or "in honor of", I had 2 bags with my name on them and seeing them lit during the walk made for a teary walk. I walked the track during this part arm in arm my with sister and my niece. When we got back to our "campsite" my niece, who is only 7, broke down. She wrapped her arms around my waist and was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she got hurt so I asked her "Maddy what happened", she responded to me with "please don't die Aunt Amy, I don't want you to die". I had no words, I just hugged her back and cried. She kept saying over and over "please don't die". I stood there and held her in my arms for a few minutes and we cried together, after I was able to get myself together I took her face in my hands, wiped her tears and said "Maddy, I PROMISE you that Aunt Amy is not going to die. I have way too much to live for, I have you, Ethan, Gabby, and Cole and I will be here to see you all of you grow up, I promise Maddy." We walked over to one of our tables to get tissues and she hugged me again and was still crying. I told her I would never break a promise to her, and that on her wedding day I was going to remind her of that moment, when I promised her I would beat this if for no one else but her. That was the very first time I saw my diagnosis affect someone. My family and friends have been unbelievably strong through all of this. I have not seen anyone cry, Ryan did the night I was diagnosed, but other than night not one person has shown me they were scared. Maddy was the very first person to make me stop and see how this was weighing on her and it broke my heart. From that point on I have a new reason to fight hard, I have to fight for my kids and my husband, I have to fight for myself but more importantly to me now I have to fight for Madison. My kids are not old enough to really know what cancer means, yes they know mommy has breast cancer, they know she takes medicine that makes her sick, they know she has to get surgery and have her breasts removed, but they don't know what the scary sides of cancer are, they don't sit around and contemplate what horrible things could happen but it is clear to me now that Madison does, I wish she didn't have to go through this more than I wish I didn't. She actually said to me a few weeks ago "when I was a baby and would cry you would always make me feel better, I wish I could make you all better" she always knows how to make me cry! Relay was an experience that I will never forget and I can not wait to participate next year as a 1 year survivor!
Chemo number 4 was on June 9th, which was also my sister's b-day. I can happily report that chemo 4 was the first time I did not cry while sitting in the chemo chair. Wendy brought an ice cream cake so we could celebrate my sisters b-day and Ryan, my mom, Wendy, and Mandy all played cards and waited for the time to pass. I did not join them in cards this time because apparently while I have all those meds running through me I cheat. So I sat back and chatted with co-workers and my nurse Dawn. Time always seems to go by pretty quickly while back there, probably not for everyone else but I am always shocked when the last bag goes up and it has been 4 hours. I will say that this time and the last time I became nauseous during the last medicine and that the nausea lasts until Saturday. This time the side effects were not as bad as the last 3 but they did seem to last longer. I would probably rather be really sick for 2 days and get it over with than have it drag out over almost 2 weeks. I was also fortunate enough to end up with a kidney infection after this chemo. I am so glad I have only 2 more left, one next Thursday 6/30 and then the final chemo on 7/21. I have an MRI scheduled for 7/28 at 8:00am and then I will see my surgeon, Dr.Pahnke, who by the way I miss, that same day at 4:00. We will discuss the results of the MRI and what surgery options I have and when it will take place. Having all these things scheduled makes me feel like the end is finally approaching.
Finally my therapist, I think he truly believes I am insane! He has helped me tremendously though, he is very straight forward and the first time I saw him he asked what I was having the biggest problem with, I told him that I could possibly die and not be here for my kids. I thought he would respond with that is not going to happen but instead he said "yes, that is a possibility". Uh ok. He told me that the only way I will be at ease with death and leaving my children behind was to write them each a letter, something they will always have in case this ended bad. I tried, really tried to write those letters but I was not able to do it. Sitting down and saying good-bye and what I hoped Gabby and Cole had in life and things I wanted to make sure they knew was gut wrenching. All I could do was sob. I told him I could not do that and he told me to write lists then, lists of what I hoped they would become or things I wanted them understand in life, he said these lists are always good to have even if a parent is not sick, so I was able to write down things I want for each of them. For example I want them to be good people, to be honest, to follow their hearts with everything they do, never give up, and always always know that no matter what happens in life they always have a place to come home to and they always have a strong support system behind them. I am getting better with my emotions, I generally only cry once a day now compared to the once and hour I was crying before. I am trying now to not dwell on the fact that I have cancer but it is hard, cancer is on my mind all the time. I am excited to have my surgery and wake up to hear Dr.Pahnke tell me that I am cancer free, once that happens I will be able to stop obsessing over all this and hopefully start to get my life back.
So on my list of things to do this summer, finish chemo, get MRI, have surgery and then begin radiation. Once radiation is done I will start the pill Tamoxifen for 5 years and Amy's Army will be preparing for the breast cancer walk in October. Everything has really been going by fast and I can not believe I am down to the final 2 chemo treatments!
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