I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.- William Allen White
I have sat and gone back and forth on whether or not to write this blog post. I feel like I should because this is my "diary" basically. Sometimes when I am having a difficult time I go back and re-read what 2011 was like, what I have conquered, and I try and remember that I got through the worst part of my life to date. Also, if you are reading this please remember that I have more good days then bad. I just write about the hard times so I can go back and help myself later if need be.
I saw my therapist again last week to go over my anger issues. I have been finding it very hard to control my temper around people that directly or indirectly do something to Gabrielle or Cole. Without going into details and re-living all the situations I will name the most recent, I have snapped on a lady in Target for hitting Gabby with her cart, did she mean to? I would hope not but when she hit Gabby after I told her to watch where she was going, I lost it. In a museum a lady moved Gabby's hand and cup from in front of the ice machine, I, again, lost it. I go from 0 to 160 in less then a second. I get so angry that there is nothing in that moment that anyone can say that will calm me down. I talked to my therapist about this and told him that I really think I have completely lost my mind. I have always had a temper but lately it is over the top. I was expecting him to say "Amy, you are insane", but he didn't. He told me that I need to stop being hard on myself. He said to think back to when I first started seeing him after I was diagnosed, what was my biggest fear? What was the one thing that I sat in his office and cried and cried over? Leaving Gabrielle and Cole. Dying when my kids need me the most, not knowing what they turn out to be in life, and thinking that it was possible that eventually someone else could replace me. These are things that would destroy any person. For an entire year Gabrielle and Cole took care of me, that was not fair. For an entire year I had to sit and think about the what ifs. Now, that I am in remission, my need, my desire to protect them is now over the top. Is that wrong? No. I still to this day, it will be 2 years on March 24th, I am scared out of my mind that I am not going to be here for Gabrielle and Cole, nothing, except more time, can make this fear go away. Until that fear does, anyone or anything that I feel is threatening to my children will get the wrath of Amy. It's not just strangers with my kids, I get angry and say things I really don't mean but I know will hurt someone. As horrible as this sounds, I want someone else to feel my pain. I know it is wrong but my way of justifying it is, me having cancer at 31 was wrong. I sat in my therapists little office and fought back tears. I have been in remission for 17 months, I should be over all this by now. I should be healed.
In some aspects, I have healed. Physically, yes my body has healed from chemo, surgery, and radiation. I don't worry that every headache is cancer, I don't get scared that every ache is bone cancer, I actually live my life now. I let nothing stop me from doing what I want, what my kids want. Prior to cancer I didn't do anything without Ryan, I do a lot without him. We travel quite a bit now. Like the quote at the top says, I have seen yesterday, I don't fear tomorrow. The thing that I can't get past is the emotional healing. I can put on the smile and say "oh, I am great" but really, honestly, deep down, cancer ruined me. It turned me into this person who can't, who won't accept what happened to her. I can wake up in the morning and be in a great mood, the second the shirt comes off to get in the shower, I am broken. I absolutely HATE my chest. I have never had small boobs in my life, it is a weird feeling to put a shirt on and be disgusted. Not because I eat too much and have a fat stomach ( I am ok with that) but because this chest isn't mine. I never had the final step to reconstruction done because I simply don't want to be cut on anymore. So I don't feel complete. I don't regret my surgery choices at all, given the chance to do it again, I would choose bilateral mastectomy every time. It just comes with a difficult healing process.
Yesterday, I had an almost complete breakdown. I got mad at Ryan over something that wasn't a big deal which resulted in a fight. A fight that when Ryan asked me what was really going on, I lost it. I told him it's not fair this happened, it's not fair I can't move on, it's not fair that for no reason at 31 my life was threatened. It's not fair that my babies had to learn about death, sickness, and heartache at such a young age. It's not fair that I work in a cancer center, it is not supposed to happen to the people that try and help other cancer patients get through it. This next part I don't mean to offend anyone with my words, I am sick and tired of people telling me to pray about it, people telling me it is in Gods hands and trust in Him. Trust in Him, this should never of happened! What did I do? What did my kids do? What did my husband do? I lost A LOT in 2011/2012, physically, mentally, materialistically, I lost things and people that I will never get back.
It is great to live your life like there is no tomorrow, I live my life like tomorrow the cancer is going to come back. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I did everything that day that I wanted. I give my kids whatever they want (sure some people will think that is wrong but I am not fully confident that I am going to be here when they grow up). I had stage 3 cancer at 31, I don't feel like I am wrong. Back to my therapist, he ended our session with saying to me "Amy, I have gotten to really know you in the past two years, I have seen you through the worst parts and the best parts. I wish there was a one way mirror in here and you could see other cancer patients. You are completely normal in an abnormal situation. To be 31, with little kids, and to go through what you did nothing you are telling me is wrong or concerning." He then asked if I wanted the truth about healing, of course I did. I am a need to know person. He said with my situation, what I have been through medically and emotionally, 3 to 5 years to be mentally healed. 3 to 5. I am at 2 years. I know I will be ok, I just need to stop trying to force the healing and let it happen.
