Today I had the honor of sharing my story. I was asked by a co-worker if I would be interested in coming to her church and share my journey with a group of women. I was very excited to be able to do this. I am not going to lie as the time came for me to get up there and share, which meant read, the 10 pages that I had written I was sure I was going to vomit on myself. I have never spoken in front of a group of people before, I had written a quote on the top of my papers that my good friend Dawn had given to me at the beginning of my treatments. The quote was written on a rock, it says "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" F.D.R.. I wrote this down so I would be able to look at it and calm myself down if I started to freak out. I would like to share my story on my blog. Somethings may sound familiar since I tried to document my entire journey, the purpose of putting this on my blog is so that maybe one person who has not read my blogs will see this one post and be inspired, that maybe one person who was just diagnosed will see this and know that everything they feel is normal and they will get through it, that maybe I can help someone who is going through something. Here is my story:
My name is Amy Minsker, I am 32 years old, I am a mommy to a 5 year old little girl named Gabrielle and a 4 year old little boy named Cole. I am the wife of an extremely caring, compassionate and wonderful man named Ryan and on top of all these things I know get to add cancer survivor to my list.
My journey with this disease began on March 24, 2011. One week prior to this my son, Cole, and I were sitting on the couch together, when he went to get up he elbowed me in the chest. Over the next few days I noticed that the right of my chest was very sore. I also noticed the area where he had elbowed me became very hard, I was certain it was just a bruised muscle and when on with my daily life. Over the next week I had decided to ask a few co-workers what they thought, I was encouraged to have one of the doctors I work for take a look ( that is an added bonus of working for oncologists). As soon as he started to examine me I knew the look on his face was bad. I was sent the very next day to see a surgeon, a man who became a huge part of my life, a man who I am forever indebted too. The day I was told I had cancer is one I will never forget, it is the day that I not only was told about cancer but it is also the day I came face to face with my biggest fear, death. For me fear has always been a huge part of my life. I have struggled with extreme anxiety and panic attacks since I was 18 years old. I was afraid of so many things that my fears had finally consumed my life. I seeked out many different therapies for my anxiety but nothing seemed to work for me. I thought having spent the past 32 years afraid of everything that I knew about every type of fear imaginable, I was wrong. The fear that came with this was different. I was not only afraid for me but I was afraid for my children. How do I tell them? How do I comfort them? How do I answer their questions? After the doctor said "this is cancer" their faces were the first things that entered my mind. I kept having flashes of them growing up without their mommy, I kept imagining having to say goodbye to them way too soon. I could not focus on anything the doctor was saying, I just begged him to not let me die. I kept repeating over and over "I have two small kids and now I am going to die", "what about Gabby and Cole, I can't die". He assured me that we were going to do everything possible to save my life. That first night after hearing that type of news was the worst night of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could do was cry. I looked at my kids and cried, I looked at my husband and cried. I sat all night on my couch next to my husband and just cried. After the first few days had past and I met with all my doctors, I received my final diagnosis ( stage 3A invasive ductal carcinoma) and my treatment was in place was I able to sit down and come to terms with what I was about to go through. The road that was laying in front of me was four months of aggressive chemotherapy, one year of an antibody infusion, a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, radiation, and lastly an antiestrogen pill daily for the next five years. I knew this journey was going to be the hardest, longest, most heartbreaking experience I had ever faced but I also knew it was worth it.
Chemotherapy is just as horrible as you imagine it will be. It terrified me to the point that I would be sick to my stomach and shake just knowing that in order to live I had to have toxins pumped into my body. My fear of chemotherapy was intensified by my anxiety. I was afraid of taking something as simple as Tylenol and now I had no choice, I had to get chemotherapy. I was kept pretty drugged during my 5 hour infusions so I don't really remember actually getting the medicine. However, I do know that every pain, every ache, every nasty side effect was 100% worth it. Everything that came with the chemo, the being sick, losing my hair, losing some fingernails, the extreme fatigue, all of these things temporary but I was permanent. I am standing here today cancer free because of it. After my body had time to heal from chemo it was time for surgery. I had an out patient procedure done in the beginning of this nightmare that ended with a collapsed lung and a hospital stay, so to say I was nervous was an understatement. I was nervous about going under the knife for five hours, I was nervous about what I would look like when I woke up. I was told by my surgeon that I was a candidate for a breast conserving operation or lumpectomy. He was confident he could remove all the cancer without removing my entire breast. I opted to still have the double mastectomy for peace of mind. They say it doesn't offer any greater reduction rate in recurring but in my mind they were the enemy now, they no longer needed to be a part of my body. After my surgery I had temporary implants placed that will be switched out for permanent ones next month. Yes, there was a lot of physical and emotional pain with having a mastectomy. It was hard to accept that any of this was happening at 31 years old. It has been five months since my surgery and I do not regret my decision to have a double mastectomy, I am glad I did.
Once you are told the devastating news that you have cancer, nothing can prepare you for the roller coaster of emotions you are going to go through. I was scared, I had cancer at 31, not a cold or something that could be easily treated. I was scared of the surgery, I was scared of dying. I don't know what happens after leave this life, I just knew I didn't want to be without my kids and husband, I was not ready to find out the answer. I was angry. I was angry it happened to me, I never asked for this, I didn't want this. I would find myself getting mad looking at other mothers and their teenage children, why did that mom get to see her kids grow up? I would get angry looking at an elderly couple eating dinner in a restaurant, why did they get to spend a lifetime together? I was mad that I was scared. Through all of the different emotions that I felt the most difficult to overcome was sadness. I was sad for two simple reasons Gabrielle and Cole. I would look at my beautiful babies and I think I was so lucky to have them but why, why would God take me away from them? I fought so hard to get pregnant, why would God let this happen now when they are so little? I would spend hours thinking about what if they had to go through life without me, I am their mommy, the one person who knows them best. I know when they don't feel well, when they just want to be with me because I can make it all better. Who would they turn to if I wasn't here? I knew I had to fight for them, the very thought of someone else being there for my kids was heartbreaking. I will be the one who helps Gabrielle pick out her wedding dress one day. I will be there to see Cole play baseball in high school and help him decide what he wants to be. I will hold their children in my arms one day. Saying goodbye and leaving Gabrielle and Cole was not and is not an option.
In the past 11 months I have faced numerous tests, been sick from chemotherapy, underwent two surgeries, endured 28 days of radiation, and had one brief hospital stay. I wanted to know why all this was happening to me at 31. I wanted to know why I was being punished. I thought I would never be able to forgive God for making me go through this and possibly taking me away from my family. I spent a lot of hours pleading with God for my life, yelling at him for allowing this happen, and questioning whether or not I even believed. How could a healthy 31 year old with no family history be faced with this? How could any of this be fair? I thought I would be sad and cry forever, I thought I would never be able to accept the fact that my body had been altered. It took me a few months to realize that God wasn't punishing me for something, that this happened to me because I was strong enough to handle it, I just didn't know it at the time. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked medicine and I survived four rounds of chemotherapy. I never thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery) and I survived a five hour major surgery and now have breast implants. I never thought I would stop crying and now my tears are few and far between.
I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear it will return and I will not see my kids grow up, the difference now is I know in my heart that I have done everything possible to keep me cancer free. I know I am stronger then I thought possible. I needed to be put face to face with my fears in order to overcome them. This happened to me because I am strong, because I am confident, because I don't give up, and because I am a fighter. I decided in the beginning of my journey that cancer would not be my death sentence. I have endured a lot of ups and downs during my journey but in the end I survived them all.
Cancer doesn't care if you are young or old, male or female, black or white. Cancer comes into your life with the intention of destroying it but for me, cancer improved my life. I no longer fear anxiety or the issues that come along with it. I know now to enjoy every minute of every day because we are not promised tomorrow, we are not ever promised the rest of today. I got to start my life over again and change whatever I wanted about myself. I learned a lot about myself and I learned that God is good. Cancer was a necessary evil to open my eyes to all these things. Going through this journey was definitely hard, I got through a lot of the bad times with help and encouragement from friends and family. I did receive a plaque from a close friend that had a bible verse on it that holds a special meaning to me. The verse is Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
One in eight is how many people breast cancer affects. 2.5 million is how many breast cancer survivors are currently living in the United States. I am very fortunate and grateful that I am able to stand up here today and share my journey with everyone and say that I am a part of the 2.5 million. Thank you.
So there it is, my story. I really do hope that this reaches just one person. If I can go through this journey and come out victorious anyone can.
