Sometimes we have moments when something is said or happens that ends up replaying itself over and over again in our minds. I have been able to get a hold of my thoughts and feelings a lot better then I was able to a year ago. However, on Friday I had another three month follow up with my oncologist, the appointment went great, still in remission. I for some reason thought that since it has been almost 16 months since my diagnosis, 11 months since my last chemo, and nine and a half months since I was declared cancer free that I would ask about the other big "c" word, cure. Why I decided to ask my doc if I was cured is beyond me, I knew the answer. I know there is no cure for cancer, I mean if there was people would not be dying every day from it. I still asked. When my doc responded with no and remission, I told him I didn't like that word. Remission, it just sounds unsure. He explained everything to me again about the first three years being the most crucial and that each year I go with staying in remission the chances of recurrence get lower and lower, I don't know why hearing those words again made me feel like I suddenly had a heavy heart. It honesty took almost everything I had to hold back the tears (normally I would of just let it out but I am a big girl now). It was a strange mixture of feelings that was raging through me, I suddenly found myself worrying about Gabby and Cole again, I started to fear the thought of ever needing to go through chemo again, I started to become unsure. It's funny because when I had cancer and would see my doc I would leave the exam room feeling amped, like I was a warrior and nothing was going to get in my way or stop me. Now that I don't have cancer any longer I left the exam room feeling vulnerable and scared, sort of backwards. I am hoping that the reason I am feeling this way is because for the past three months I have lived my life, I didn't allow myself to spend anytime thinking about what I went through or the reality of everything. Sitting in an exam room with just your doctor and your conversation is solely about cancer it brings up all sorts of emotions.
Moving on, I was fortunate to come across an article that a fellow breast cancer survivor had posted on Facebook. The article was titled, " The Things I Wish I Was Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer", it was written by a 28 year old leukemia survivor named Jeff Tomczek. This article should be a hand out in every oncology office. He did an amazing job at describing perfectly what happens to you once you are told you have cancer. In his article he listed different things that you go through and he explained in detail what you will feel. Reading it was such a relief because I could relate to and remember everything that he was saying happening to me in my life. All his points were extremely important, however, there were a few that were my favorite and that I can really see in my own personal journey. One of his points were "Your relationships are about to change", he could not have been more correct about that. He talked about how some relations with people will get stronger and those that do will more than likely be with people you least expected. That is so true! I am so thankful for the new relationships that I have with certain people (you know who you are). Fear was another one of his points, he stated "Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself.", "the people that love you will understand". I could not of written that better myself. No one can fully understand until you walk a mile, hell until you walk 5 steps, in the shoes of a person who has/had cancer. A lot of people don't understand how you can still think about it or worry about it once its gone but he is right, the ones that love you will understand, they will understand when all you want to do is be alone, or when you need to just cry because you can't wrap your head around why on this earth it happened to you. He talked about how no person wants to sit and think about death but hearing you have cancer, it leaves you no option. There does come a point when you accept it. When you know that you can not control it, I kiss my babies goodnight every night and make sure I tell them how much I love them, how amazing they are, how much they have made my life better. There are times after I know they are asleep I will go back in their rooms, kiss their heads and just whisper "I am sorry any of this happened". I also make sure that when I lay my head down I night I remember how thankful I am for the day I was given, for making it one more day cancer free. My absolute favorite part of this article was his last point, "When you get to the other side you won't believe it". "They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again."(Tomczek, 2012). I like how he says those that truly love you will still be there and that sometimes you have to let go of people and move on. He is right, I know I have experienced this. People that you thought were going to be the most understanding and there for you are the ones that let you down the most. It hurts to "lose'' some people but that just makes you hold onto the ones that are truly supportive and genuine a little tighter.
