It has been some time since I have updated my blog, with my 2 year cancer-free-iversary coming up, I thought now was a good time. I have no new health issues to report, which is a GREAT thing. I have basically been busy living life again. It really took a long time to return to "normal" or at least my version of it. I can honestly say though, I like this version of me a lot better. That girl I was leading up to that day in 2011 is long gone. Living life and appreciating everyday as though it could be your last, or your last "healthy" day is a great way to live. I enjoy things I previously did not, I do things I previously did not, and I try and be the best that I can be every day. I understand now that I am not perfect, that's ok. My life isn't perfect, that's ok. I don't have a bank account with an endless supply of money, I don't drive the fanciest cars, I don't live in the biggest house, I don't have all the material things in the world, but what I do have is so much better than anything a green bill or plastic card could give me. I have my health, I have my amazingly smart, beautiful, loving, compassionate, hilarious children, I have an incredible husband who stood by me every step of the way, who carried me when I was too weak to think I could get by, who allowed me the space and time to be sad, scared, angry, and a thousand other emotions I went through. I have a beautiful circle of friends. Friends that I know understand me, friends that don't let me get caught up in thoughts, friendships that I know will last a lifetime. I have parents and in-laws that have supported me and my family through it all, I have a beautiful life that I would not have had if it were not for going through cancer. I feel so grateful for having gone through this journey.
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together". That is a quote I have on my desk at work. I have gone back to my old position and I feel really good about being there for other patients. All I want is for other people to see me, no matter what cancer they have, and think I can do this. I like feeling as though I am an inspiration, or hope, or even a person they can just let it all out with. Going back to my old position was scary at first, I really wasn't sure how I was going to handle the every day interaction. I could not be happier. Seeing the relief on people's faces, patients and family members, when they realize that I too have been there is priceless. I don't tell them I am a cancer survivor, I simply have a picture of Cole wearing a shirt that says "my mom is a breast cancer survivor". When people see that picture and then look at me, I just say "see this is 2 years later". I would not be able to help other people in the way I can now had I not walked the walk.
My crazy summer has been full of trips; the beach, Canada, Gettysburg, Dutch Wonderland, traveling for my husbands baseball games. Getting to do fun things like zip lining, getting a new puppy (Jake; a Chocolate Lab), the list goes on. These are things that I would have passed on in previous years. These are things that have made the best memories for me and my family. Again, these are memories I would not have had I not been forced to face my fears and realize that everything can be taken from you at any point. I think the best and biggest lesson I have learned is to forgive. Holding on to grudges and holding on to the past is only holding you down. People will come in and out of your life, people will make you angry, people will make you sad, being able to let go of all that is a wonderful feeling. Life is way too short.
"Smile like you've never cried. Fight like you've never lost. Live like you'll die tomorrow".
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Remembering Vinnie
Yesterday, June 25th 2013, we had to say a very sad goodbye to our beloved Vinnie. Vinnie was many things to my family. He was a protector, he was a snuggle partner, he was a spare food cleaner upper, he was entertainment, he was loyal, and he was a friend. Vinnie has been through every major (and minor for that matter) event in my adult life. Some people may not understand a blog post dedicated to a dog, Vinnie was more than a dog, he was family.
Ryan and I moved into our first apartment together in January of 2001, in May we decided to get a puppy. We went to the Delaware Humane Society in search of the perfect friend for us. While we were looking at the dogs in the cages a tech was bringing a very scrawny brindle Pit Bull puppy out from being neutered. The puppy was groggy from the surgery and had a head that was much bigger than his body. We both instantly fell in love with that puppy. We were told that since he was a Pit Bull puppy he was being sent to a Pit Bull foster dog place in Atlantic City, NJ. We knew he was for us and we could not let that happen. We adopted Vinnie that day, of course we had to leave him there for a few days while they did background checks on us and what not. Everyday he was there, we were there. We would go and spend hours with him in the Humane Society until we could finally bring him home.
Vinnie was a VERY active puppy! We could not keep him in a cage (anyone that has a Pit Bull knows of the very LOUD and often annoying cry they do) so needless to say, he destroyed a lot of things. Vinnie was extremely loving from the day we got him. He never showed any signs of aggression, he never gave us a reason to think he was going to "lash out" on us. Actually, anytime we took Vinnie anywhere we always got compliments from people about how pretty he was and how calm his temperament was. The only thing Vinnie did not like very much was other male dogs (a dominance thing in his breed). Vinnie loved nothing more than Gabrielle and Cole.
From the day we brought Gabby home, he was right by her side. If she was in her swing he was under her swing, if she was in the pack n play he was right next to it. Once Cole came along we started putting Gabby in her own room, Vinnie slept every night with Gabby from the time she was 11 months old until his last night with us. Vinnie was caring, that may sound weird because he is a dog, but I remember perfectly him being by my side every day I was sick. After chemo treatments I would come home and lay on my couch for literally a week, he was there on the couch with me. When I would slowly venture into the bathroom for a shower, he would wait outside the door. When I would sit and cry because cancer happened to me, Vinnie would be there licking my face. Even on the last night he was alive, I was sitting on the floor in front of my bed (he was laying with Gabby) and I was petting his face telling him he was a great dog and I loved him. I, of course, was crying and Vinnie, of course, was licking my face. Vinnie would stay by the side of whoever was sick, when the kids had a fever he was right there, when it would storm he would want to cuddle. Vinnie was and always will be a huge part of our family.
Vinnie was a Staffordshire Bull Terrior, he was a smaller breed Pit. Before getting him I was dead against a dog in the Pit Bull family, I am so glad that Ryan changed my mind and we got him. Vinnie was a perfect example that Pits are taught to be aggressive, not born aggressive. He was found on the streets in Wilmington when he was 3 months old, we got him at 3 months and raised him in a loving family oriented house. Because of that, Vinnie was loving and was family focused. He NEVER showed signs of aggression, he did however protect our family to the fullest. No one that Vinnie did not know was able to come in our house, especially after Gabby and Cole were born. He would do whatever he needed in order to protect my babies. For that, I am grateful. I never was worried about a Pit Bull sleeping in a bed with my kids, I was never worried about leaving him alone in a room with Gabby and Cole when they were babies. He loved them very much and he showed it everyday he had with them. Vinnie was incredible and I will miss him deeply.
Vinnie,
I can not explain the sadness that fills my days now. I wish that I could still sit on the couch and look over and see you at the other end. I know keeping you here was selfish and I am sorry you lived your last few weeks in pain. We were not ready to say goodbye to you. Saying goodbye to you was harder than I could have imagined. You were always there for us, no matter how frustrated we got with you because you chewed up something or because in your last days you had an accident in the house. You never held a grudge. Vinnie, you always made me feel safe and loved. You stayed by my side when I needed a companion the most, you protected and loved my babies more than I could have asked for. You were the bestest friend to Gabby, but she will be ok. She will remember you and smile because of the good times you shared, she will have many pictures to remind her of how amazing her first doggie was.
As hard as it was letting you go yesterday, I know in my heart you are better. Our tears have stopped and our hearts will mend. You could not have loved my family more and you will forever hold a special place in the hearts of 4 people who love you very much.
Rest In Peace Vinnie-Voo!! You are deeply loved and very missed!
Ryan and I moved into our first apartment together in January of 2001, in May we decided to get a puppy. We went to the Delaware Humane Society in search of the perfect friend for us. While we were looking at the dogs in the cages a tech was bringing a very scrawny brindle Pit Bull puppy out from being neutered. The puppy was groggy from the surgery and had a head that was much bigger than his body. We both instantly fell in love with that puppy. We were told that since he was a Pit Bull puppy he was being sent to a Pit Bull foster dog place in Atlantic City, NJ. We knew he was for us and we could not let that happen. We adopted Vinnie that day, of course we had to leave him there for a few days while they did background checks on us and what not. Everyday he was there, we were there. We would go and spend hours with him in the Humane Society until we could finally bring him home.
Vinnie was a VERY active puppy! We could not keep him in a cage (anyone that has a Pit Bull knows of the very LOUD and often annoying cry they do) so needless to say, he destroyed a lot of things. Vinnie was extremely loving from the day we got him. He never showed any signs of aggression, he never gave us a reason to think he was going to "lash out" on us. Actually, anytime we took Vinnie anywhere we always got compliments from people about how pretty he was and how calm his temperament was. The only thing Vinnie did not like very much was other male dogs (a dominance thing in his breed). Vinnie loved nothing more than Gabrielle and Cole.
From the day we brought Gabby home, he was right by her side. If she was in her swing he was under her swing, if she was in the pack n play he was right next to it. Once Cole came along we started putting Gabby in her own room, Vinnie slept every night with Gabby from the time she was 11 months old until his last night with us. Vinnie was caring, that may sound weird because he is a dog, but I remember perfectly him being by my side every day I was sick. After chemo treatments I would come home and lay on my couch for literally a week, he was there on the couch with me. When I would slowly venture into the bathroom for a shower, he would wait outside the door. When I would sit and cry because cancer happened to me, Vinnie would be there licking my face. Even on the last night he was alive, I was sitting on the floor in front of my bed (he was laying with Gabby) and I was petting his face telling him he was a great dog and I loved him. I, of course, was crying and Vinnie, of course, was licking my face. Vinnie would stay by the side of whoever was sick, when the kids had a fever he was right there, when it would storm he would want to cuddle. Vinnie was and always will be a huge part of our family.
Vinnie was a Staffordshire Bull Terrior, he was a smaller breed Pit. Before getting him I was dead against a dog in the Pit Bull family, I am so glad that Ryan changed my mind and we got him. Vinnie was a perfect example that Pits are taught to be aggressive, not born aggressive. He was found on the streets in Wilmington when he was 3 months old, we got him at 3 months and raised him in a loving family oriented house. Because of that, Vinnie was loving and was family focused. He NEVER showed signs of aggression, he did however protect our family to the fullest. No one that Vinnie did not know was able to come in our house, especially after Gabby and Cole were born. He would do whatever he needed in order to protect my babies. For that, I am grateful. I never was worried about a Pit Bull sleeping in a bed with my kids, I was never worried about leaving him alone in a room with Gabby and Cole when they were babies. He loved them very much and he showed it everyday he had with them. Vinnie was incredible and I will miss him deeply.
Vinnie,
I can not explain the sadness that fills my days now. I wish that I could still sit on the couch and look over and see you at the other end. I know keeping you here was selfish and I am sorry you lived your last few weeks in pain. We were not ready to say goodbye to you. Saying goodbye to you was harder than I could have imagined. You were always there for us, no matter how frustrated we got with you because you chewed up something or because in your last days you had an accident in the house. You never held a grudge. Vinnie, you always made me feel safe and loved. You stayed by my side when I needed a companion the most, you protected and loved my babies more than I could have asked for. You were the bestest friend to Gabby, but she will be ok. She will remember you and smile because of the good times you shared, she will have many pictures to remind her of how amazing her first doggie was.
As hard as it was letting you go yesterday, I know in my heart you are better. Our tears have stopped and our hearts will mend. You could not have loved my family more and you will forever hold a special place in the hearts of 4 people who love you very much.
Rest In Peace Vinnie-Voo!! You are deeply loved and very missed!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
How Time Flies When You Are LIVING Life!
I can't believe that in 10 days it will be 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. 2 years! I honestly didn't think I would see 2 years later. I am so proud of how far I have made it, I am proud of the things that I accomplished and continue to accomplish each day. As everyday goes by I start to feel more and more like Amy again. As each day passes I reflect on what my life has now become, on what I have learned, on who I am.
2 years ago I was so afraid of just about everything (no joke). I was afraid to get in a car and drive by myself to places out of my comfort zone, I was afraid to take trips away from my house, I was fearful of taking any form of medication, I was terrified of death. My fear of death was so intense that it consumed a lot of my time and mind. 2 years ago, as Dr. Pahnke told me I had cancer, these fears suddenly seemed silly to me. They used to be valid in my mind but in an instant I wished I was able to go back and take all those trips I turned down, I wished I could get in my car and drive a thousand miles away from the Helen F Graham Cancer Center, I wished that I was anywhere in this world besides sitting in his office. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, once he said "cancer" everything just sort of shut off in my mind, everything except my fear of death. In my mind I was going to die. I was going to never have the chance to do all the things that I wanted, I was not going to be able to see my babies grow up. In a instant I had to come to terms with my fear of death. I never realized how freeing it would be to let this fear go. Of course I still get scared (perfect example; I have had a sinus headache for 2 days now, if I said the thought of metastatic brain cancer doesn't creep into my mind I would be lying) the difference now though is I accept it. I know that I can not control anything that happens to me. I know that worrying about it won't change anything. I know that if I am supposed to die, nothing can stop it. Being ok with that makes me feel better.
2 years ago people started telling me how brave I was, how strong I am, how much of a fighter I am. Really, I am not any of these things. I was not brave during any of this, I cried everyday (sometimes more than once) from March of 2011 until probably January of 2012. I needed Ryan to tell me everyday that I was going to be ok, that I wasn't going to die. There were many times we sat together in our room and I sobbed telling him I could not do this, I was not as strong as everyone keeps saying I am. When I think of a person who is strong, I picture someone who gets told they have cancer and they instantly go into "I got this mode", that was not me. I am thankful to work for a place that allowed me to be home the entire time I was receiving chemo, I am thankful for Ryan taking care of, actually, babying me for the months that I was getting chemo. I literally did nothing. Ryan worked all day and came home at night to take care of the kids and me, he made dinner every night, bathed the kids, got them ready for bed, did all the cleaning, all the shopping, all he told me to do was get better. I am very fortunate for that, but none of that makes me strong though. Fighter, in the form of arguing, yes I am a fighter, in any other sense, not really. I did what I had to do, I did what the doctors told me would make me better. I sat in a chair for 5 hours every 3 weeks (high as a kite) and got pumped full of poison that fought the cancer, not me. The one thing I am though is a survivor. I survived chemo, I survived surgery, I survived being home for 6 months with a 3 and 4 year old ;). I follow a few different breast cancer blogs, one of them was a breast cancer patient (who had metastatic cancer (spread to other parts of her body) cancer) who in her last blog post, said her goodbyes, asked her followers and family to let her go, thanked everyone for everything they did and simply ended her blog with "Please, don't forget about me". She was brave, she was strong, she was a fighter. The patients at the cancer center that have been dealing with cancer for years, that have been getting chemo for so long it is a normal part of their lives, people that are living with the cancer still in their bodies because it can't be removed, people that awake in the morning to face their destiny of a terminal disease, they deserve these titles, not me. I am just the girl who, unfortunately, had to get chemo, had to get radiation, had to get a couple surgeries.
2 years ago, I never thought I would see the other side of cancer treatment. I am back in school, changed my major to "Bachelor of Science in Health Services Administration", I take my kids to places by myself all the time, I go out of my comfort zone all the time, I actually plan our family vacations now, I look at my kids and can honestly say that Ryan and I are doing one heck of a job raising them, I am so proud of everything they are. I have developed friendships with people now that have depth, that are so strong nothing will ever be able to break them (you know who you are). 2 years ago I thought this is it, now 2 years later I am saying this is only the beginning!
2 years ago I was so afraid of just about everything (no joke). I was afraid to get in a car and drive by myself to places out of my comfort zone, I was afraid to take trips away from my house, I was fearful of taking any form of medication, I was terrified of death. My fear of death was so intense that it consumed a lot of my time and mind. 2 years ago, as Dr. Pahnke told me I had cancer, these fears suddenly seemed silly to me. They used to be valid in my mind but in an instant I wished I was able to go back and take all those trips I turned down, I wished I could get in my car and drive a thousand miles away from the Helen F Graham Cancer Center, I wished that I was anywhere in this world besides sitting in his office. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, once he said "cancer" everything just sort of shut off in my mind, everything except my fear of death. In my mind I was going to die. I was going to never have the chance to do all the things that I wanted, I was not going to be able to see my babies grow up. In a instant I had to come to terms with my fear of death. I never realized how freeing it would be to let this fear go. Of course I still get scared (perfect example; I have had a sinus headache for 2 days now, if I said the thought of metastatic brain cancer doesn't creep into my mind I would be lying) the difference now though is I accept it. I know that I can not control anything that happens to me. I know that worrying about it won't change anything. I know that if I am supposed to die, nothing can stop it. Being ok with that makes me feel better.
2 years ago people started telling me how brave I was, how strong I am, how much of a fighter I am. Really, I am not any of these things. I was not brave during any of this, I cried everyday (sometimes more than once) from March of 2011 until probably January of 2012. I needed Ryan to tell me everyday that I was going to be ok, that I wasn't going to die. There were many times we sat together in our room and I sobbed telling him I could not do this, I was not as strong as everyone keeps saying I am. When I think of a person who is strong, I picture someone who gets told they have cancer and they instantly go into "I got this mode", that was not me. I am thankful to work for a place that allowed me to be home the entire time I was receiving chemo, I am thankful for Ryan taking care of, actually, babying me for the months that I was getting chemo. I literally did nothing. Ryan worked all day and came home at night to take care of the kids and me, he made dinner every night, bathed the kids, got them ready for bed, did all the cleaning, all the shopping, all he told me to do was get better. I am very fortunate for that, but none of that makes me strong though. Fighter, in the form of arguing, yes I am a fighter, in any other sense, not really. I did what I had to do, I did what the doctors told me would make me better. I sat in a chair for 5 hours every 3 weeks (high as a kite) and got pumped full of poison that fought the cancer, not me. The one thing I am though is a survivor. I survived chemo, I survived surgery, I survived being home for 6 months with a 3 and 4 year old ;). I follow a few different breast cancer blogs, one of them was a breast cancer patient (who had metastatic cancer (spread to other parts of her body) cancer) who in her last blog post, said her goodbyes, asked her followers and family to let her go, thanked everyone for everything they did and simply ended her blog with "Please, don't forget about me". She was brave, she was strong, she was a fighter. The patients at the cancer center that have been dealing with cancer for years, that have been getting chemo for so long it is a normal part of their lives, people that are living with the cancer still in their bodies because it can't be removed, people that awake in the morning to face their destiny of a terminal disease, they deserve these titles, not me. I am just the girl who, unfortunately, had to get chemo, had to get radiation, had to get a couple surgeries.
2 years ago, I never thought I would see the other side of cancer treatment. I am back in school, changed my major to "Bachelor of Science in Health Services Administration", I take my kids to places by myself all the time, I go out of my comfort zone all the time, I actually plan our family vacations now, I look at my kids and can honestly say that Ryan and I are doing one heck of a job raising them, I am so proud of everything they are. I have developed friendships with people now that have depth, that are so strong nothing will ever be able to break them (you know who you are). 2 years ago I thought this is it, now 2 years later I am saying this is only the beginning!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Different day same story...
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.- William Allen White
I have sat and gone back and forth on whether or not to write this blog post. I feel like I should because this is my "diary" basically. Sometimes when I am having a difficult time I go back and re-read what 2011 was like, what I have conquered, and I try and remember that I got through the worst part of my life to date. Also, if you are reading this please remember that I have more good days then bad. I just write about the hard times so I can go back and help myself later if need be.
I saw my therapist again last week to go over my anger issues. I have been finding it very hard to control my temper around people that directly or indirectly do something to Gabrielle or Cole. Without going into details and re-living all the situations I will name the most recent, I have snapped on a lady in Target for hitting Gabby with her cart, did she mean to? I would hope not but when she hit Gabby after I told her to watch where she was going, I lost it. In a museum a lady moved Gabby's hand and cup from in front of the ice machine, I, again, lost it. I go from 0 to 160 in less then a second. I get so angry that there is nothing in that moment that anyone can say that will calm me down. I talked to my therapist about this and told him that I really think I have completely lost my mind. I have always had a temper but lately it is over the top. I was expecting him to say "Amy, you are insane", but he didn't. He told me that I need to stop being hard on myself. He said to think back to when I first started seeing him after I was diagnosed, what was my biggest fear? What was the one thing that I sat in his office and cried and cried over? Leaving Gabrielle and Cole. Dying when my kids need me the most, not knowing what they turn out to be in life, and thinking that it was possible that eventually someone else could replace me. These are things that would destroy any person. For an entire year Gabrielle and Cole took care of me, that was not fair. For an entire year I had to sit and think about the what ifs. Now, that I am in remission, my need, my desire to protect them is now over the top. Is that wrong? No. I still to this day, it will be 2 years on March 24th, I am scared out of my mind that I am not going to be here for Gabrielle and Cole, nothing, except more time, can make this fear go away. Until that fear does, anyone or anything that I feel is threatening to my children will get the wrath of Amy. It's not just strangers with my kids, I get angry and say things I really don't mean but I know will hurt someone. As horrible as this sounds, I want someone else to feel my pain. I know it is wrong but my way of justifying it is, me having cancer at 31 was wrong. I sat in my therapists little office and fought back tears. I have been in remission for 17 months, I should be over all this by now. I should be healed.
In some aspects, I have healed. Physically, yes my body has healed from chemo, surgery, and radiation. I don't worry that every headache is cancer, I don't get scared that every ache is bone cancer, I actually live my life now. I let nothing stop me from doing what I want, what my kids want. Prior to cancer I didn't do anything without Ryan, I do a lot without him. We travel quite a bit now. Like the quote at the top says, I have seen yesterday, I don't fear tomorrow. The thing that I can't get past is the emotional healing. I can put on the smile and say "oh, I am great" but really, honestly, deep down, cancer ruined me. It turned me into this person who can't, who won't accept what happened to her. I can wake up in the morning and be in a great mood, the second the shirt comes off to get in the shower, I am broken. I absolutely HATE my chest. I have never had small boobs in my life, it is a weird feeling to put a shirt on and be disgusted. Not because I eat too much and have a fat stomach ( I am ok with that) but because this chest isn't mine. I never had the final step to reconstruction done because I simply don't want to be cut on anymore. So I don't feel complete. I don't regret my surgery choices at all, given the chance to do it again, I would choose bilateral mastectomy every time. It just comes with a difficult healing process.
Yesterday, I had an almost complete breakdown. I got mad at Ryan over something that wasn't a big deal which resulted in a fight. A fight that when Ryan asked me what was really going on, I lost it. I told him it's not fair this happened, it's not fair I can't move on, it's not fair that for no reason at 31 my life was threatened. It's not fair that my babies had to learn about death, sickness, and heartache at such a young age. It's not fair that I work in a cancer center, it is not supposed to happen to the people that try and help other cancer patients get through it. This next part I don't mean to offend anyone with my words, I am sick and tired of people telling me to pray about it, people telling me it is in Gods hands and trust in Him. Trust in Him, this should never of happened! What did I do? What did my kids do? What did my husband do? I lost A LOT in 2011/2012, physically, mentally, materialistically, I lost things and people that I will never get back.
It is great to live your life like there is no tomorrow, I live my life like tomorrow the cancer is going to come back. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I did everything that day that I wanted. I give my kids whatever they want (sure some people will think that is wrong but I am not fully confident that I am going to be here when they grow up). I had stage 3 cancer at 31, I don't feel like I am wrong. Back to my therapist, he ended our session with saying to me "Amy, I have gotten to really know you in the past two years, I have seen you through the worst parts and the best parts. I wish there was a one way mirror in here and you could see other cancer patients. You are completely normal in an abnormal situation. To be 31, with little kids, and to go through what you did nothing you are telling me is wrong or concerning." He then asked if I wanted the truth about healing, of course I did. I am a need to know person. He said with my situation, what I have been through medically and emotionally, 3 to 5 years to be mentally healed. 3 to 5. I am at 2 years. I know I will be ok, I just need to stop trying to force the healing and let it happen.
Monday, January 28, 2013
It never ends.....
It has almost been 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer, it has been 18 months since I completed chemo, and 16 months since I was declared cancer free. I really thought that at this point life would be back to normal. Well, as they say after you "survive" cancer, "new normal". Let me tell you, "new normal" is pretty annoying. Once you get a grip on your crazy emotions and fear of recurrence, there is always something there to pop up and say "oh no, you are not a normal 33 year old anymore". I have been dealing with the WORST memory loss, I can't concentrate on anything to save my life, and I feel like an 80 year old because I repeat myself over and over. I figured as time went on the "chemo brain" would get better, wrong. It seems to be getting worse. Now throw in the fact that I wake up with unexplained bruises on me, I am starting to think Ryan is beating me in my sleep. How am I supposed to, move forward with my new normal life?
Chemo brain: This is copied from the Mayo Clinic website: Signs and symptoms of chemo brain may include:
Every single one of these is me! This is the most frustrating side effect for me. I used to have the BEST memory, like Rain Man type memory and now I drive to a store and walk in not having a clue why I went there. When I carry a conversation with people I find myself fumbling over my words because I can't seem to put them together properly. The absolute worst part of this is I feel like I am missing out on so much with my kids. It may sound silly or even unbelievable to some but I can do something and the very next day not remember. Just last weekend Ryan and I went to Atlantic City to attend a private acoustic concert by Rob Thomas. I LOVE Rob Thomas, I was so excited for this concert. We went, he was amazing (or at least I think he was), was in the casino after the concert and was like "oh, wait, I saw Rob Thomas". The next day it felt like I never even went to the concert. I have watched YouTube videos from the concert and it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I also am back in school finishing my Bachelors degree, this is proving to be beyond difficult. I used to be able to read something, listen to the lecture and write the paper. Now, it takes me hours to read a chapter, I have to read and re-read , then re-read again (don't know if re-read is even a word). I am so frustrated with this. It says within 2 years this should subside, that will be this July. I hope so because I feel lost.
Bruising. I have no clue what is going on with my legs. I have had blood work done and so far everything is coming back normal. I did just have more testing done today (Lauren Ciliberti thank you for being my official hand holder, even though you did cause more anxiety today :). Yesterday they checked my CBC (complete blood count) all that was normal, so today they checked my PT/INR (clotting factors), checked me for Von Willebrand Disease (more blood clotting issues) and Factor VIII (even more blood clotting issues). I just don't understand these bruises, maybe I am being attacked by aliens at night (if only I believed in aliens). I will wake up in the morning, go to get in the shower and notice big, deep deep purple bruises on my legs. I guess I just have to accept the "new normal". Ugh!
We are almost one entire month into 2013 and I am over this year! We have spent the entire month battling the flu, stomach bugs, ear infections, memory loss, bruising, and I am sure more things I am forgetting. How many more days till 2014?
Chemo brain: This is copied from the Mayo Clinic website: Signs and symptoms of chemo brain may include:
- Being unusually disorganized
- Confusion
- Difficulty concentrating
- Difficulty finding the right word
- Difficulty learning new skills
- Difficulty multitasking
- Fatigue
- Feeling of mental fogginess
- Short attention span
- Short-term memory problems
- Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks
- Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation
- Trouble with visual memory, such as recalling an image or list of words
Every single one of these is me! This is the most frustrating side effect for me. I used to have the BEST memory, like Rain Man type memory and now I drive to a store and walk in not having a clue why I went there. When I carry a conversation with people I find myself fumbling over my words because I can't seem to put them together properly. The absolute worst part of this is I feel like I am missing out on so much with my kids. It may sound silly or even unbelievable to some but I can do something and the very next day not remember. Just last weekend Ryan and I went to Atlantic City to attend a private acoustic concert by Rob Thomas. I LOVE Rob Thomas, I was so excited for this concert. We went, he was amazing (or at least I think he was), was in the casino after the concert and was like "oh, wait, I saw Rob Thomas". The next day it felt like I never even went to the concert. I have watched YouTube videos from the concert and it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I also am back in school finishing my Bachelors degree, this is proving to be beyond difficult. I used to be able to read something, listen to the lecture and write the paper. Now, it takes me hours to read a chapter, I have to read and re-read , then re-read again (don't know if re-read is even a word). I am so frustrated with this. It says within 2 years this should subside, that will be this July. I hope so because I feel lost.
Bruising. I have no clue what is going on with my legs. I have had blood work done and so far everything is coming back normal. I did just have more testing done today (Lauren Ciliberti thank you for being my official hand holder, even though you did cause more anxiety today :). Yesterday they checked my CBC (complete blood count) all that was normal, so today they checked my PT/INR (clotting factors), checked me for Von Willebrand Disease (more blood clotting issues) and Factor VIII (even more blood clotting issues). I just don't understand these bruises, maybe I am being attacked by aliens at night (if only I believed in aliens). I will wake up in the morning, go to get in the shower and notice big, deep deep purple bruises on my legs. I guess I just have to accept the "new normal". Ugh!
We are almost one entire month into 2013 and I am over this year! We have spent the entire month battling the flu, stomach bugs, ear infections, memory loss, bruising, and I am sure more things I am forgetting. How many more days till 2014?
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