It never ends.....

It has almost been 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer, it has been 18 months since I completed chemo, and 16 months since I was declared cancer free. I really thought that at this point life would be back to normal. Well, as they say after you "survive" cancer, "new normal". Let me tell you, "new normal" is pretty annoying. Once you get a grip on your crazy emotions and fear of recurrence, there is always something there to pop up and say "oh no, you are not a normal 33 year old anymore". I have been dealing with the WORST memory loss, I can't concentrate on anything to save my life, and I feel like an 80 year old because I repeat myself over and over. I figured as time went on the "chemo brain" would get better, wrong. It seems to be getting worse. Now throw in the fact that I wake up with unexplained bruises on me, I am starting to think Ryan is beating me in my sleep. How am I supposed to, move forward with my new normal life?

Chemo brain: This is copied from the Mayo Clinic website: Signs and symptoms of chemo brain may include:

• Being unusually disorganized
• Confusion
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty finding the right word
• Difficulty learning new skills
• Difficulty multitasking
• Fatigue
• Feeling of mental fogginess
• Short attention span
• Short-term memory problems
• Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks
• Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation
• Trouble with visual memory, such as recalling an image or list of words

Signs and symptoms of cognitive or memory problems vary from person to person and are typically temporary, often subsiding within two years of completion of cancer treatment.

Every single one of these is me! This is the most frustrating side effect for me. I used to have the BEST memory, like Rain Man type memory and now I drive to a store and walk in not having a clue why I went there. When I carry a conversation with people I find myself fumbling over my words because I can't seem to put them together properly. The absolute worst part of this is I feel like I am missing out on so much with my kids. It may sound silly or even unbelievable to some but I can do something and the very next day not remember. Just last weekend Ryan and I went to Atlantic City to attend a private acoustic concert by Rob Thomas. I LOVE Rob Thomas, I was so excited for this concert. We went, he was amazing (or at least I think he was), was in the casino after the concert and was like "oh, wait, I saw Rob Thomas". The next day it felt like I never even went to the concert. I have watched YouTube videos from the concert and it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I also am back in school finishing my Bachelors degree, this is proving to be beyond difficult. I used to be able to read something, listen to the lecture and write the paper. Now, it takes me hours to read a chapter, I have to read and re-read , then re-read again (don't know if re-read is even a word). I am so frustrated with this. It says within 2 years this should subside, that will be this July. I hope so because I feel lost.

Bruising. I have no clue what is going on with my legs. I have had blood work done and so far everything is coming back normal. I did just have more testing done today (Lauren Ciliberti thank you for being my official hand holder, even though you did cause more anxiety today :). Yesterday they checked my CBC (complete blood count) all that was normal, so today they checked my PT/INR (clotting factors), checked me for Von Willebrand Disease (more blood clotting issues) and Factor VIII (even more blood clotting issues). I just don't understand these bruises, maybe I am being attacked by aliens at night (if only I believed in aliens). I will wake up in the morning, go to get in the shower and notice big, deep deep purple bruises on my legs. I guess I just have to accept the "new normal". Ugh!

We are almost one entire month into 2013 and I am over this year! We have spent the entire month battling the flu, stomach bugs, ear infections, memory loss, bruising, and I am sure more things I am forgetting. How many more days till 2014?