I can't believe that in 10 days it will be 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. 2 years! I honestly didn't think I would see 2 years later. I am so proud of how far I have made it, I am proud of the things that I accomplished and continue to accomplish each day. As everyday goes by I start to feel more and more like Amy again. As each day passes I reflect on what my life has now become, on what I have learned, on who I am.
2 years ago I was so afraid of just about everything (no joke). I was afraid to get in a car and drive by myself to places out of my comfort zone, I was afraid to take trips away from my house, I was fearful of taking any form of medication, I was terrified of death. My fear of death was so intense that it consumed a lot of my time and mind. 2 years ago, as Dr. Pahnke told me I had cancer, these fears suddenly seemed silly to me. They used to be valid in my mind but in an instant I wished I was able to go back and take all those trips I turned down, I wished I could get in my car and drive a thousand miles away from the Helen F Graham Cancer Center, I wished that I was anywhere in this world besides sitting in his office. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, once he said "cancer" everything just sort of shut off in my mind, everything except my fear of death. In my mind I was going to die. I was going to never have the chance to do all the things that I wanted, I was not going to be able to see my babies grow up. In a instant I had to come to terms with my fear of death. I never realized how freeing it would be to let this fear go. Of course I still get scared (perfect example; I have had a sinus headache for 2 days now, if I said the thought of metastatic brain cancer doesn't creep into my mind I would be lying) the difference now though is I accept it. I know that I can not control anything that happens to me. I know that worrying about it won't change anything. I know that if I am supposed to die, nothing can stop it. Being ok with that makes me feel better.
2 years ago people started telling me how brave I was, how strong I am, how much of a fighter I am. Really, I am not any of these things. I was not brave during any of this, I cried everyday (sometimes more than once) from March of 2011 until probably January of 2012. I needed Ryan to tell me everyday that I was going to be ok, that I wasn't going to die. There were many times we sat together in our room and I sobbed telling him I could not do this, I was not as strong as everyone keeps saying I am. When I think of a person who is strong, I picture someone who gets told they have cancer and they instantly go into "I got this mode", that was not me. I am thankful to work for a place that allowed me to be home the entire time I was receiving chemo, I am thankful for Ryan taking care of, actually, babying me for the months that I was getting chemo. I literally did nothing. Ryan worked all day and came home at night to take care of the kids and me, he made dinner every night, bathed the kids, got them ready for bed, did all the cleaning, all the shopping, all he told me to do was get better. I am very fortunate for that, but none of that makes me strong though. Fighter, in the form of arguing, yes I am a fighter, in any other sense, not really. I did what I had to do, I did what the doctors told me would make me better. I sat in a chair for 5 hours every 3 weeks (high as a kite) and got pumped full of poison that fought the cancer, not me. The one thing I am though is a survivor. I survived chemo, I survived surgery, I survived being home for 6 months with a 3 and 4 year old ;). I follow a few different breast cancer blogs, one of them was a breast cancer patient (who had metastatic cancer (spread to other parts of her body) cancer) who in her last blog post, said her goodbyes, asked her followers and family to let her go, thanked everyone for everything they did and simply ended her blog with "Please, don't forget about me". She was brave, she was strong, she was a fighter. The patients at the cancer center that have been dealing with cancer for years, that have been getting chemo for so long it is a normal part of their lives, people that are living with the cancer still in their bodies because it can't be removed, people that awake in the morning to face their destiny of a terminal disease, they deserve these titles, not me. I am just the girl who, unfortunately, had to get chemo, had to get radiation, had to get a couple surgeries.
2 years ago, I never thought I would see the other side of cancer treatment. I am back in school, changed my major to "Bachelor of Science in Health Services Administration", I take my kids to places by myself all the time, I go out of my comfort zone all the time, I actually plan our family vacations now, I look at my kids and can honestly say that Ryan and I are doing one heck of a job raising them, I am so proud of everything they are. I have developed friendships with people now that have depth, that are so strong nothing will ever be able to break them (you know who you are). 2 years ago I thought this is it, now 2 years later I am saying this is only the beginning!
