Ok, I know that I officially "ended my blog" in the beginning of the year, however, it was such a good therapist for me and I want to keep this entire journey in one place. So here goes my thoughts and emotions on being 3 years cancer free.
On September 16th I celebrated being in remission for 3 years. Yay (or so I thought yay). I have been looking forward to the 3 year mark since the day I was diagnosed. I remember being told, "the first 3 years are the most important", generally speaking my chances of a recurrence are the most high in those first 3 years. I told myself, make it to 3 years and the rest is going to be cake. I am pretty sure I set myself up for failure on that one. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond ecstatic to be cancer free 3 years later! I am starting to find it difficult again to not let the worry train come around and I am sick and tired of being on a pill that makes me not myself.
The worry train; I remember my world falling completely apart on that day in March 3 years ago. I have struggled with intense fear of dying, fear of facing chemotherapy and surgeries, fear of what my life becomes after all this. I was lucky to have a really good therapist and support system (outside my blog) who helped me face those fears one at a time. I conquered everything and made it to the other side. I remember dealing with the after effects of everything was actually harder than physically dealing with everything (if that makes sense). As of lately, I have found myself falling back into that space. I honestly think it is because I am letting life happen again and quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Three years ago I stopped allowing myself to look into the future, I didn't want to think about beyond the day I was in. I didn't want anything in my life to change, I felt safe in my secluded little bubble. Well, guess what? Life goes on, you can't live inside your own little bubble. We moved into a new house a couple months ago (a house we have plans for), Gabrielle is following her ambitions on an amazing competition dance team, Cole is busy playing baseball, I am finishing my degree. I have let myself think about and get excited about what is to come. I can't wait to see how our plans with the house pan out, I can't wait to see Gabrielle on the "big stage" (as she calls it) competing with an awesome team, I can't wait to get my degree in my hands and see where that takes me, to see how Cole continues to grow at baseball. The other day I got hit, a huge bag full of bricks right in the stomach hit, hit with fear that letting myself get excited and plan for the future again is wrong. I find myself so excited for what is to come that I am making myself scared, does that make sense? I am afraid that allowing myself to be happy for the future and make plans is going to backfire. I understand the future is a scary thought for anyone, I understand no one is guaranteed another day, I am honestly at peace with whatever the outcome of my life is. However, I do get scared at times still. Yesterday I found a weird, not a lump, more like a ridge in my implant that hurts. Of course I went, in my mind, instantly to the day I found out. I sat on my bed and bawled my eyes out, Ryan kept telling me it is nothing. So much was done to my chest that things like scar tissue or something else is going to pop up, that I have foreign objects in my body and at times I will feel weird things. I am sure it is just a muscle or the implant but it still scares me. It re-affirmed that everything can change in an instant.
Tamoxifen. Oh. How. I. Hate. Thee. This little white pill is the devil. I know it is serving me a great purpose and I will continue to take it until I am 42 (7 and a half more years). I don't know how I am going to get through those 7 and a half years. When I was first diagnosed, since my cancer was estrogen positive, I was told after chemo I could do Tamoxifen for 10 years or get my ovaries removed and do another pill option. Tamoxifen has the statistical information that makes me feel the safest. This little pill makes me feel like crap though. I have gained weight (like 30lbs), my emotions are all over the place, my moods are all over the place, I can't sleep at night, I get hot flashes, I bruise like I get beat up daily, my patience is very small, I am just sick and tired of taking it. I know things could be A LOT worse and I am very fortunate for the outcome I received, I just get angry (probably another side effect) that I don't feel like myself still.
A part of me feels guilty for even writing this blog and complaining all most about such minimal things. Like I said, this my therapist and for me, I can write my thoughts better than I speak them.
