My letter to Gabrielle

Gabrielle Ryan (AKA Gabby, Gabs, Gaba-licious, Lishy-Lou, Breeshka, Brielle, Briella-Bear, and every other silly little nickname I have called you over these 10 years),

      Ten! Double-digits! I am really not sure when I blinked and you became a DECADE old! I know you have been waiting for this birthday FOREVER, I on the other hand, have just been hit with the reality that my little Princess, isn't quite so little anymore. There are things I want you to know and things I want you to keep with your forever, no matter where this crazy life takes you. Part of this is being pulled from the "letter" I wrote you when I was sick, the rest is everything in my head right now that is preventing me from sleeping (and yes, I am crying as I write this).

      MAN! What a crazy 10 years this has been! Time really does fly (believe people when they say that to you), I wish I could freeze time right at this moment. October 30, 2006 at 5:42pm, that is the moment you forever changed my life. I had always heard everyone say "oh just wait, when you see your baby girl for the first time, your life will change forever", I had my doubts. I shared my body with you for 9 months, I felt you move and tumble, I worried about you every second you were in there. I was already deeply in love with you. I didn't think I could love you more than I already did. Boy was I wrong! When you decided to come into this world 1 day late and not wanting to take your first breath (for by the way what felt like an eternity, as doctors and nurses were scrambling around grabbing tubes and calling for the NICU to get ready). I knew in my heart, this girl is a force to be reckoned with. Everything everyone said about that "magical" moment, they were spot on. You took my breath away, you made me speechless, you made my heart full, you made me a Mommy. I had no clue what this insane ride we call life was about to throw at us.

     I have carried around guilt and sadness in my heart for you. You had to grew up so much quicker than other kids your age, for that I am sorry. You were only 4 years old when our family was flipped upside down with the cancer diagnosis. One thing you don't know, the only thing that popped in my head when Dr. Pahnke said "Amy, this is cancer" was you and Cole. The only words I could remember were "Gabby and Cole". I didn't cry when he told me it was cancer, I just asked if I was going to die. The only thing I could mange to say was your names. Daddy and I made a decision that evening to NEVER keep anything from you. We told you everything that the doctors told us, we told you every step of what was happening. You were so small. You asked me that night "Mommy, are you going to go to Heaven", that sentence has haunted me for the past 5 years. That was the night you changed overnight. You went to bed 4 years old and you woke up a mini-adult. For one entire year, you took care of me. You were the adult and I was the child. You took care of Cole, you helped Daddy do things around the house. That was the year you stopped playing with toys, that was the year you grew into such a beautifully compassionate person. That was the year I knew in my heart, this girl is going to be something very special with her life. It took me 5 years to realize cancer didn't ruin you, it made you an incredibly strong, compassionate, determined person. Enough about that, lets not dwell on the past right. 

    I was asked to write letters to you and your brother 5 years ago, I never gave them to you. So, here on the day before you turn 10, I am going to finally share with you some of the words I wrote for you. I am going to skip the letter part and just share my hopes for you. These are things that now you are turning 10, I feel are important for you to know and always remember. Keep them with you, when you are scared because lets face it, life is scary. Remember these. When you are sad because, life will be sad. Remember these. When you are frustrated because, I think you know, life will be frustrating. Remember these. Here goes:

1. I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU:

    Not when you make a mess and don't clean it up, or when you roll your eyes. I will always love you enough to teach you, to listen to you, to guide you. I will always be here to wrap my crazy emotional arms around you and tell you how very proud I am of you, even when you are not proud of yourself. I will always be here when you need me. My love for you goes deeper and higher than anything I could ever imagine in this world. You are among 3 other kids that had my love and my heart before I ever saw you. NOTHING you ever do or say, will change the love I have for you. 

2. STOP WORRYING:

    Mommy has wasted a lot time worrying. My worrying started when I was a little girl. I worried about being sick, or not being good enough. Worrying does nothing for you. Instead, think of all the positive things life has to give to you, don't be like me and focus on the negative. Don't waste your years dwelling on the "what if" theory. Live your life, take chances,  do the thing that scares you a little. This world we live in has so much more to offer than this corner of a town we live in. Mommy worries enough for the entire family. Promise me you will do these things, and I in return will promise and try and let you live that life. I am still learning too.

3. DON'T TRY TO PLEASE PEOPLE:

    You cannot and will not be able to make everyone happy. I have learned, you cannot make someone happy when you yourself are not happy. If you don't want to do something, please don't do it because you think it will make someone else happy. Do what makes YOU happy. This is your life, not theirs. 

4. BE KIND, NOT RUDE:

    This one is a bit difficult. Yes, everyone has a personality, no two people are alike. Learn to accept and love people for who they are. Be polite, be respectful, be humble, BE KIND. I ask that you please always choose kindness above everything. Being rude has never gotten anyone anywhere, this is coming from a former mean girl. I know this one all to well. As you are getting older and your trying to fit in and find your place in this world, remember that HUGE caring heart you have. NEVER make anyone feel like they are beneath you, or that they are not beautiful or important, especially to make your friends happy. Choose kindness my sweet girl.

5. DON'T HOLD GRUDGES, FORGIVE AND FORGET:

    No matter how careful you are, how thoughtful you are. There will always be that situation where you get hurt, not in the physical sense. At some point, you will feel hurt from your friends, from us, from Cole, from Ethan and Maddy, Aunt Mandy and Uncle Matt, even Grammy and Grandpop, they will all hurt you at some point (may not be intentional but it may happen). People will let you down at times. Stand up, forgive them, and move on. Life is too short to hold grudges. Whatever it was will not matter in the long run. And same applies to you, when you hurt someone, apologize! Always remember your pride is not more important than the pain you may have caused someone. 

6. RESPECT YOU:

     Respect yourself, please! If you don't respect yourself or appreciate yourself, you cannot expect anyone else to. Don't EVER let anyone tell you you are not good enough, because you are. Don't ever be afraid to walk away. This life will be crazy, people will be crazy, remember who you are and never lose sight of that. 

7. DON'T EVER GIVE UP:

    When you feel like giving up, feel discouraged, have just plain had enough, DO NOT GIVE UP! You have proven time and time again how amazing you are. Your level of thinking at 10 surpasses anything I can even comprehend. The goals you have set for yourself, are goals most adults don't even have. You have dreams of becoming a Pediatric Orthopedic Doctor (you have been saying since you were 5 that you wanted to be a doctor and I believe it. I see it in your future) don't give up on that dream when things get tough. Pick up the phone, call me, call Daddy, Cole, Aunt Mandy, Uncle Matt, Ethan, Maddy, Grammy. Don't be afraid to ask for help reaching your goals. It's very easy to throw the towel in, but trust me kid, pushing through is a lot better than giving up.

Lastly: KNOW YOUR WORTH:

    You're beautiful. You're strong. You're better than me in every way possible. You're something special. You're smart, you're funny, you're talented, you're caring. Please don't ever let anyone tell you or make you think differently! 

So, to end my emotional "letter" to you, I will say one last thing. Gabby, when I first laid eyes on you 10 years ago, I had no idea how lucky I was. Thank you for being the person you are. Thank you for teaching me, for letting me bad a parent parent and not hold it against me, for loving me even when I am finding it difficult to like me. I could not have in a million years guessed that I would be so lucky as to have the incredible daughter that I do. I love you Gabrielle Ryan! 

"Kid, you'll move mountains" - Dr.Seuss

The truth about 5 years

 
  I cannot wrap my around the fact that this month I will hit the five year mark of having been diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. FIVE years!

  I still remember that day in March in 2011 like it was yesterday. I remember seeing a surgeon at 12:00 in the afternoon and being told whatever it was that I was feeling in my chest was nothing. He told me because the ultrasound tech did a bad job on the ultrasound, he was sending me back for a mammogram, just because. I had no family history, I was 31 and healthy. He just wanted to prove a point. After getting the mammogram a lady asked me to please return to Dr. P's office, there I sat in an exam room with my friend Stephanie (Ryan went back to work because we were told this was nothing). I asked Steph to grab the mammogram report off the door so I could see it. All I saw was "CATEGORY 5. HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS OF MALIGNANCY", that's all she wrote. I went numb. I heard him say the words "this is cancer", I just stared straight ahead and all I could manage to say was "Gabrielle and Cole. I cannot die". I remember staring at my phone and not having a single clue as how to use it. I eventually managed to text Ryan "I have cancer". That's all it said, he called me, I couldn't answer. I walked out of the surgeons office that day and into his waiting room where Ryan was coming through the door, I collapsed in his arms and just kept saying "Gabby and Cole, please don't let me die. Why is this happening". Everything from that moment on moved super quick, I went from finding out I had to cancer to starting chemo in a weeks time. God, I remember that first chemo treatment, the nerves, the tears, the uncertainty. Waking up the next day feeling like I was very hungover and feeling like I had the worst flu of my life. I remember the collapsed lung, the chest tube placement, the sleepless nights. I think I cried every night after the kids went to bed for a good year. I remember one day, about 3 chemo treatments in, asking Ryan to come in our bedroom. I asked him to sit on the bed with me and I lost it (more than the usual lost it) I told him I couldn't do this anymore. I was not strong enough, I couldn't take being this sick. I didn't want to have to fight to live. I didn't want to cry every single time I looked at my kids, I didn't understand why this was happening and I just wanted it over. All he did was tell me to think of how those words will affect Gabby and Cole. They were 3 and 4. They needed their Mommy, he needed me. After that day with Ryan, I got angry. Angry because he was right, I was not going to let someone else dance with Cole at his wedding, I was not going to let someone else help Gabby pick out her wedding dress. Anger is what got me through the rest of the treatments. I wasn't going to write a blog post about five years, partly because I am superstitious that since I haven't hit five years talking about it is bad luck. Partly because I thought I was over it. Well, if anyone read this blog, they may recall a post back in 2011 when my therapist (who was also a big reason I was able to continue and fight) he had me write "goodbye letters" to Ryan, Gabby, and Cole. Well, looking through my hope chest the other night, I found them. I wasn't going to open them, I was actually going to just throw them away. However, I did in fact read them.

  I can't help but be stuck in my own head this month. I know the reality that five years is just a number, I know that cancer can return at any point. I know I will forever live with this mental game. I also know that for anyone who has heard those dreaded words "this is cancer". Whether it be you personally, a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent, a sibling, anyone close to you, five years is a significant achievement. It means the chances of it actually coming back are a lot lower, it means you made it to the mental finish line. I cannot wait for March 24, 2016 when I can say it's been officially 5 years. Until that time though, I am having a rough go around. I am worrying about little thing I feel, I am worrying about things out of my control again. Every March my anxiety spikes a tad, this March, my anxiety is off the charts! I know in my heart all is going to be fine, I just wish I could make my head believe the same things!