Here it goes

I met with my therapist yesterday and we discussed my emotions again, he told me that he feels like I am still holding back. He said he can see the "sadness" in my eyes but understands that I can not fully open up to him, after all he is a stranger to me. Opening up and crying to Ryan apparently doesn't count because he is my husband and he will just reassure me that everything will be ok, he will not be able to just listen and not respond. He suggests that I keep a journal of my everyday emotions and to also get everything out in one entry. He wants me to write exactly what I am afraid of and why, what makes me sad and why, what makes me angry and to share that, then start my everyday journal of daily feelings for just myself. I figured my blog is the perfect place to write my first entry to share so here it goes;

I am scared. Not a day goes by that fear doesn't find its way into my life. I think my fears are justified, I have cancer, not a cold, not a headache, not something that can be easily treated and then guaranteed that it is gone forever. I am scared of the possibility that this can always return, and if it does return I am no longer curable. I can be treated to make a better "quality of life" but not cured. I am scared out of my mind for the surgery. Nothing anyone says will be able to calm those fears. I can't imagine being put to sleep for 5 1/2 hours while someone removes something that has been a part of me for 31 years and someone else trying recreate those things that were removed. None of it seems safe or fair to me. I am scared to wake up and be in pain, to have drains hanging off my body and to look at myself after having surgery. Sure, the surgery will remove the cancer and help to save my life in the long run but implants or not they are not mine, it is not what I was born with, they will be something that a man created to try and make me look "normal". I am scared of the unknown, I don't know what happens after you leave this life, I don't want to be without my kids or Ryan, I don't want to find out.

I never thought that I would have anger or even resentment towards people for something that I have and they don't but, I do. I am angry that this has happened to me. I know that no one is promised tomorrow and that we can just as easily die going to work as we can from an illness the difference is I have the same chances of walking out my front door and being hit by car as the next guy plus I have the chance of dying from cancer. I didn't ask for this, I don't want this. I find myself getting mad looking at a mother and her teenage kids in the mall, why did she get to see her kids make it to their teens? I get angry at Ryan sometimes because his chances of seeing our kids grow up are better than mine. Of course if something does happen to me I would want Ryan to find someone, to move on. He deserves to grow old with someone and to have a person to go through life with but, it makes me mad and very sad to think someone else would get to share their life with him. I get mad when people complain now about silly things, who cares if you don't want to go to work or clean the house, at least you are alive and healthy and get to do those things. I am mad that I am scared, that I have to have surgery, that I have to experience this. I am angry that people can not feel what I feel. That no one can fully understand any of this unless they have been there.

Sadness. I can explain my sadness in two simple names, Gabrielle and Cole. These past 5 months have been the saddest months of my life. I can't help but look at my beautiful kids and think I am so lucky to have them but why, why would this happen. I fought for 2 years to get pregnant and have my babies, why would God let me fight so hard for them and then take me away? I get sad thinking about if they had to go through life without their mommy, the only person who knows them best. I know when they are sad, when they don't feel well, when they want to just be with mommy cause I can make it all better, who will they turn to if I am not here. Like I said before, I would want Ryan to move on but the very thought of someone else getting to be "mommy' to my kids is heartbreaking. Why should anyone else get to shop with Gabby or cuddle with Cole, why should someone else get to be there for them, they are mine damn it. I want to see Gabby in a white dress walking down the isle one day, I want to see what Cole decides to be when he is older, I want to hold their kids in my arms. The very thought of having to say goodbye to my kids is more than I can handle.

Why would I sit around and think about these negative thoughts? Because these thoughts are a reality for any parent fighting cancer. Do I honestly feel that I will be alright in the end, yes I do but I can not help but be overwhelmed with emotions until I have surgery. I have to take it one day at a time and continue to fight until Dr. Pahnke tells me that everything is gone. Yes, I am so happy to be done with chemo but now a new emotion of even though chemo was hell it was working has set in. It kicked the ass out of my cancer and me but it worked, now I have to go 1 month with no chemo and something still in my body. I am uneasy about that. I am full of emotions about work, I have returned to work and I love it there but it is extremely hard to be there, I can't bring myself to go into the chemo room. The thought of that room makes me want to cry, it makes my stomach hurt. I want to go back there and talk to Dawn and the other nurses but I can't. Finding a balance between work and home has been challenging, when I am at work I wear the wig, I talk to my co-workers, I am normal again but, as soon as I get home I take the wig off, Ryan is back on second shift so I am alone with the kids, I instantly become the girl with cancer again. People can only reassure so much that you will be fine, my fears and emotions will never completley go away, I will never be the same again. I will be improved in some ways and damaged in others. It is hard to "let go" of what or who I used to be and find out how to live in my new "normal".

"A woman is like a tea bag, you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water" Eleanor Roosevelt.

One happy girl

On Friday, August 5, I had my post chemo mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI. I was very anxious going into these tests, I knew the outcome that was desired and just being back in the Breast Center were the cancer was found made me sick to my stomach. I signed in and the lady that took my insurance information said she remembered me from when I was there in March, she told me she thinks of me often and prays for me. That made me feel really good, until I realized she remembered me because I was an absolute mess when I was there in March. She told me I looked great, I love how people tell you that you look great no matter how you look when you have cancer. I am guilty of doing that with my patients before all this, I think people just have no clue what to say and complimenting you is the go to, don't get me wrong, I love when people tell me that, it makes me feel good for a minute. Anyway, once I was changed into my hospital gown for the tests I had a seat in the waiting area for my turn. A lady who was 79 years old came over and sat almost on top of me, the waiting area in the back has seats and then like bench seats, I was sitting on the bench like chair and she felt the need to sit right on top of me. I looked at her and smiled and she said "us bald girls have to stick together", ummm ok. I felt very uncomfortable in that waiting area, it is all women waiting to have their mammograms done and they look at you in complete fear of what their mammogram is going to show. The MRI was backed up so I had to wait for awhile, women would come in look at me and give me a sad "I am sorry" face, after they would get their mammograms and be told they were good to go they would not make eye contact with me when walking back through, almost like they felt guilty that they were good. One lady was told she needed to get changed and they have a nurse come out and get her and they asked if she had anyone with her, she looked at me and her face was pure terror. I just looked away, I didn't know what to say. When it was finally my turn for the mammogram I went back and the tech apologized for having to "smoosh the girls" as she put it, I told her it was fine it was my last mammogram ever. Once you have a mastectomy there is no breast tissue left so no more mammograms.She took a few pictures and I went back to the waiting room, about 5 minutes later she came back and said she needed to take more views the doctor wanted a better look at some calcifications. After those pictures I was taken back for my MRI. I hate MRI's. The ladies that did my MRI were the same ladies that did my first one, the one tech said "I remember that day so well, you broke my heart and I have not been able to stop thinking of you or that bunny picture your daughter drew that you had in your hand". I had completely forgotten about the picture, Gabby drew a bunny on a post it note for me to take to my MRI as good luck. This time I had her duck, Ducky, and Cole's blankie, Mr.Yellow. They like to give me things for good luck, to be honest having something that smells like them makes me feel calm. We chatted for a few minutes and then the other tech said "great, you have a port, makes giving you the IV contrast so much easier", I told her I did not want her to use my port, the only person who has ever accessed my port was my chemo nurse Dawn, I was not letting anyone else touch it. She said I am the boss and she would use my arm if I wanted. After the IV was in place, I walked into the MRI room, I was fighting back the tears, the ladies must of been able to tell because once I climbed up onto the table the one tech came over and started rubbing my back and was saying everything is going to be fine, I was in great hands with Dr. Pahnke and he was going to take great care of me. I layed down on the table for the test, because it is a breast MRI you have to be on your stomach so my face was in this little cut out, like a massage chair, I had earphones this time and was ready to get started, I felt the bed moving into the MRI machine and I closed my eyes as tight as I could. The ladies talk to you during the test and tell you how long it will take for the machine to take each picture. The first picture would take 3 minutes and she said to hold very still and she would start the music. The very song to come on was "I hope you dance", that song has special meaning to me and makes me think of my kids and niece and nephew, I lost it. I had tears and snot running down my face and into the part of the machine were my face was, I couldn't move or say anything for 3 minutes so I was stuck. I got through it though, the MRI seemed to not take as long this time, maybe it was because I had music, last time I wanted to keep my head to the side so I had ear plugs instead of music, I don't know but I was happy when they came in to take me out of the machine. I got dressed and went home to wait until my appointment that afternoon with my oncologist to get my results. Another perk of working there.

Ryan and I went to meet with my doc and he said the final results were not back yet but he spoke with the radiologist and the two masses that were cancer were gone, AWESOME, the area of thickening or enhancement had shrunk, it did not completely go away but I knew it would not because some of it was DCIS, and chemo does not touch DCIS. He said the results so far were positive and when I came back to work on Monday we would go over the final report, which would have measurements. So when I got my final results I was nervous, Ryan wasn't with me because I was back at work so Baker went with me and Jodie, my docs nurse, stayed in the room also. He said it was all very good news, the calcifications or enhancement that was left was in a branch like pattern and not a mass or clump which makes him think that what is left is DCIS, I was so happy to hear that, also the original area was almost 9cms and it was now down to 3cms. He said I had significant response to chemo and the fact that my cancer responded so well was good, it means that it is chemo sensitive. I asked if this was good news and he said it was very good news and the results on the MRI are what he was hoping for, since I am having the double mastectomy the surgery will take care of anything that is left, I am not scheduled until September 16, so I asked if that was too long out, what if the cancer started growing again. He reassured me that the Herceptin, one drug I have been on since the first chemo and will continue until April 2012, will prevent that from happening. I was very happy and he actually used the word "cure" for the first time. I went back to work finally feeling like I have this, I will be OK. Also, as of what they can see no lymph nodes were involved which is great because that means no radiation!!! Surgery will truly signify the end of this nightmare, even though I am scared to death of the operation I am also excited to get this over with.

I have been starting to try and get my life back. I returned to work yesterday, Monday, and I am loving it. I missed those girls, it was hard on Monday for me, I texted Ryan once and told him I couldn't do it, I saw a girl with a similar diagnosis and her outcome has not been a good one. Working in the cancer center has absolutely made somethings harder, Ryan just reassured me that every single case is different, every person is different, I can't do that to myself. He is right, I quickly snapped out of it and told myself I am a survivor and this is not going to take anymore from me, it is now time to start taking from it and get my life back.

Chemo is complete, surgery is scheduled and my MRI is tomorrow

FINALLY! On July 27, 2011 I went into the Graham to have my platelet levels checked for the 5th time, they came back at 94 and my doc said it was fine to get my last chemo. I was ready to put this phase behind me and get moving onto the next. Now, because there was no way to determine when I would be able to get chemo I did not get my pre-medicated steroids, so of course I was nervous about this. While I sat in my chemo "suite" waiting for the pharmacy to mix up my meds, my co-workers Kelly and Ginger came in and made me stand up and close my eyes, not going to lie I was a little nervous. When I was allowed to open my eyes they decorated my suite with streamers that resembled fireworks and had a shirt, backpack, glow sticks, a framed saying, and other goodies. All of my co-workers have shown me how much they care during all this, each round they would take turns coming in and checking on me or sitting there and chatting with me. I really am extremely lucky when it comes to those girls, everyone at my work has gone above and beyond anything I could ever have expected. My dad and mom bought pizza for the entire office as a way to say thank you for everything. I was ok with this treatment, I think because I knew it was the last time I was getting it, time went by like usual, Ryan, Wendy, my mom, and myself played Uno for a bit and after awhile I just sat back and watched. When it was all over I got so many hugs and congratulations from people, it was an emotional ending but a great one. There is no words to describe how it feels to know that I will not be putting that poison back into my body. The recovery from this final round of chemo has been very good too, the only major side effect I have had is the yucky mouth issues. I don't even care about the mouth issues though because I AM DONE CHEMO!!!

I met with my breast surgeon the day after chemo (last Thursday) and he was very pleased with the exam he did, he told me if he had examined me for the first time on that day he would say that everything was normal and I had nothing to worry about. That made me extremely happy to hear. After getting dressed we went into his office to discuss surgery, I got very sick to my stomach at this point. I have never had surgery before, I am not thrilled that my first experience is going to be a major surgery. The first thing he did when we got into his office was apologize again for the whole collapsed lung nightmare. I told him it was done and over with no need to apologize, even though I am still a little angry about it I figured he is performing major surgery on me I need to suck up. He pulled up a CT scan of my chest on his computer and said he had my thoracic surgeon, the guy who gave me the chest tube, look over my scan because he still could not figure out how he hit my lung. Apparently, the main vein in your neck area that runs down to the main artery in your heart, where my port is placed, is supposed to be in one place and of course mine is not in the proper location. He said my vein actually runs right along side my lung and there is usually space in between the vein and lung but not on me. Basically what that means is when he put the "finder" needle into my vein before the catheter because it runs right along my lung a little hole was made. After we discussed this we jumped right into lumpectomy vs mastectomy surgery. He told me breast conserving surgery, lumpectomy is what the surgeons are told to try and do on breast cancer patients that are young, he said he knows that I want a double mastectomy and he will be more than happy to perform that. I told him I was interested in getting more information on the lumpectomy and he said if it was his wife he would go for the mastectomy. OK, now I am back at square one. He looked over more of my old scans and said he really doesn't think I am going to need radiation after surgery. He does not believe any of my lymph nodes involved but will only be able to determine that during surgery. If I opt for a lumpectomy he told me to be prepared for possibly needing more than 1 surgery, depending on what he finds during the first surgery. I told him I was going to go for the mastectomy, he recommended a right side mastectomy with immediate reconstruction (when he said that it felt like Christmas), and a reduction on the left side. I asked him how immediate reconstruction works and he explained that a plastic surgeon will be in the OR as well and as soon my breast surgeon is done with his part of the surgery the plastic surgeon takes over and "reconstructs" me. I said "ok, so I will wake up with boobs" he said yes. That has been the hardest part of thinking about the surgery, how do you wake up from that with nothing on your chest? I still don't have details about the implants yet, I meet with my plastic surgeon on Aug. 25 to go over everything. I am more nervous about the surgery than I was of chemo. I have a little break until surgery, it is scheduled for Sept. 16 at 12:00pm. UGH.

Tomorrow morning at 9:00am I will go and get my post chemo MRI, mammogram, and ultrasound. I am VERY nervous about the results of these tests. Everything can change after tomorrow if the tests don't show what we are hoping for. I was told by my oncologist to be prepared that the MRI probably will not show complete response to chemo (meaning the cancer is gone), all they are looking for is to see that the tumor has shrunk. Fingers crossed we get the best news tomorrow.