On Friday, August 5, I had my post chemo mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI. I was very anxious going into these tests, I knew the outcome that was desired and just being back in the Breast Center were the cancer was found made me sick to my stomach. I signed in and the lady that took my insurance information said she remembered me from when I was there in March, she told me she thinks of me often and prays for me. That made me feel really good, until I realized she remembered me because I was an absolute mess when I was there in March. She told me I looked great, I love how people tell you that you look great no matter how you look when you have cancer. I am guilty of doing that with my patients before all this, I think people just have no clue what to say and complimenting you is the go to, don't get me wrong, I love when people tell me that, it makes me feel good for a minute. Anyway, once I was changed into my hospital gown for the tests I had a seat in the waiting area for my turn. A lady who was 79 years old came over and sat almost on top of me, the waiting area in the back has seats and then like bench seats, I was sitting on the bench like chair and she felt the need to sit right on top of me. I looked at her and smiled and she said "us bald girls have to stick together", ummm ok. I felt very uncomfortable in that waiting area, it is all women waiting to have their mammograms done and they look at you in complete fear of what their mammogram is going to show. The MRI was backed up so I had to wait for awhile, women would come in look at me and give me a sad "I am sorry" face, after they would get their mammograms and be told they were good to go they would not make eye contact with me when walking back through, almost like they felt guilty that they were good. One lady was told she needed to get changed and they have a nurse come out and get her and they asked if she had anyone with her, she looked at me and her face was pure terror. I just looked away, I didn't know what to say. When it was finally my turn for the mammogram I went back and the tech apologized for having to "smoosh the girls" as she put it, I told her it was fine it was my last mammogram ever. Once you have a mastectomy there is no breast tissue left so no more mammograms.She took a few pictures and I went back to the waiting room, about 5 minutes later she came back and said she needed to take more views the doctor wanted a better look at some calcifications. After those pictures I was taken back for my MRI. I hate MRI's. The ladies that did my MRI were the same ladies that did my first one, the one tech said "I remember that day so well, you broke my heart and I have not been able to stop thinking of you or that bunny picture your daughter drew that you had in your hand". I had completely forgotten about the picture, Gabby drew a bunny on a post it note for me to take to my MRI as good luck. This time I had her duck, Ducky, and Cole's blankie, Mr.Yellow. They like to give me things for good luck, to be honest having something that smells like them makes me feel calm. We chatted for a few minutes and then the other tech said "great, you have a port, makes giving you the IV contrast so much easier", I told her I did not want her to use my port, the only person who has ever accessed my port was my chemo nurse Dawn, I was not letting anyone else touch it. She said I am the boss and she would use my arm if I wanted. After the IV was in place, I walked into the MRI room, I was fighting back the tears, the ladies must of been able to tell because once I climbed up onto the table the one tech came over and started rubbing my back and was saying everything is going to be fine, I was in great hands with Dr. Pahnke and he was going to take great care of me. I layed down on the table for the test, because it is a breast MRI you have to be on your stomach so my face was in this little cut out, like a massage chair, I had earphones this time and was ready to get started, I felt the bed moving into the MRI machine and I closed my eyes as tight as I could. The ladies talk to you during the test and tell you how long it will take for the machine to take each picture. The first picture would take 3 minutes and she said to hold very still and she would start the music. The very song to come on was "I hope you dance", that song has special meaning to me and makes me think of my kids and niece and nephew, I lost it. I had tears and snot running down my face and into the part of the machine were my face was, I couldn't move or say anything for 3 minutes so I was stuck. I got through it though, the MRI seemed to not take as long this time, maybe it was because I had music, last time I wanted to keep my head to the side so I had ear plugs instead of music, I don't know but I was happy when they came in to take me out of the machine. I got dressed and went home to wait until my appointment that afternoon with my oncologist to get my results. Another perk of working there.
Ryan and I went to meet with my doc and he said the final results were not back yet but he spoke with the radiologist and the two masses that were cancer were gone, AWESOME, the area of thickening or enhancement had shrunk, it did not completely go away but I knew it would not because some of it was DCIS, and chemo does not touch DCIS. He said the results so far were positive and when I came back to work on Monday we would go over the final report, which would have measurements. So when I got my final results I was nervous, Ryan wasn't with me because I was back at work so Baker went with me and Jodie, my docs nurse, stayed in the room also. He said it was all very good news, the calcifications or enhancement that was left was in a branch like pattern and not a mass or clump which makes him think that what is left is DCIS, I was so happy to hear that, also the original area was almost 9cms and it was now down to 3cms. He said I had significant response to chemo and the fact that my cancer responded so well was good, it means that it is chemo sensitive. I asked if this was good news and he said it was very good news and the results on the MRI are what he was hoping for, since I am having the double mastectomy the surgery will take care of anything that is left, I am not scheduled until September 16, so I asked if that was too long out, what if the cancer started growing again. He reassured me that the Herceptin, one drug I have been on since the first chemo and will continue until April 2012, will prevent that from happening. I was very happy and he actually used the word "cure" for the first time. I went back to work finally feeling like I have this, I will be OK. Also, as of what they can see no lymph nodes were involved which is great because that means no radiation!!! Surgery will truly signify the end of this nightmare, even though I am scared to death of the operation I am also excited to get this over with.
I have been starting to try and get my life back. I returned to work yesterday, Monday, and I am loving it. I missed those girls, it was hard on Monday for me, I texted Ryan once and told him I couldn't do it, I saw a girl with a similar diagnosis and her outcome has not been a good one. Working in the cancer center has absolutely made somethings harder, Ryan just reassured me that every single case is different, every person is different, I can't do that to myself. He is right, I quickly snapped out of it and told myself I am a survivor and this is not going to take anymore from me, it is now time to start taking from it and get my life back.
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