With the holidays quickly approaching I am certain I will not have time to post a blog, so I wanted to post one last blog in 2011. I am looking forward to saying a big farewell to the year from hell. I welcome 2012 (and my 32nd b-day) with open arms. As I sat at work the other day I was thinking about everything that has happened this year, I thought about how the day I realized that I would be going through chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation felt like it was just yesterday. I thought about all the different emotions and "phases" I have gone through and am still going through, I have thought about how much I have changed as a person, how much more life means to me now, how grateful I am to open my eyes every morning. I have learned how much respect and thankfulness I have for the doctors and nurse that saved my life. I have also learned that as much as I would like to be in control I have no control over what the future holds for me.
I decided a few nights ago to go back through my blog and re-read my posts, there are so many things that I either don't remember or that I have chosen to permanently block out. WOW, what a crazy nine months it has been. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I have conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked to take medication (I survived 6 rounds of chemotherapy), I never wanted or thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery), I survived a 5 hour major surgery and have breast implants, and I never thought that I would stop crying after my diagnosis and now my tears are few and far between. Don't get me wrong I still cry sometimes after my kids go to sleep, I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear that I will not be here to see my kids grow up, the only difference now is I think back to everything I have been through and know that in my heart I have done every single thing possible to keep me cancer free. I try my hardest to enjoy every single day with my kids and make sure they know that mommy loves them more then they will ever be able to comprehend. As horrible as having cancer has been I can say that not all has been bad. I got to spend the spring and summer home with my kids, I got to hang out with a really good friend and her babies a lot more, I got to see that after 6 years of working at MOHC they really are an amazing group of people and I can honestly say first hand now that the doctors are brilliant, caring, and at the top of their game. I got to really see what it was like to be faced with the possibility of dying. Now, that is one of the scariest things you can deal with. No one can tell you how to feel or deal with being young and having cancer, no one can understand the emotions that you go through, no one can understand that no matter what the rest of your life has been forever changed. I have to learn to trust my body again, to know that it is ok to get a cold or have headache, it is ok to say I need a break and go to bed at 7:00pm, it is ok to sometimes just sit and have a good cry. I got to see how strong I really am.
To the doctors and nurse that saved my life, I will never ever ever be able to say thank you enough. I have so much respect for my breast surgeon, Dr. Pahnke. Thank you, thank you for taking the time that night in March to sit and talk with my husband after hours, for reassuring me throughout all of this that you were going to "get me out of this mess", for telling me that I WAS going to see my kids grow up. Thank you for the intelligent, caring, compassionate doctor that you are, for doing such an incredible job with my surgery and for never not once making me regret, rethink, or feel unsafe has having you be the man to save my life. I wish there was a way that I could re-pay this man but all I can do is sincerely thank him every time I see him. I have just as much respect for my oncologist, Dr. Misleh, as I do for my surgeon. To be completely honest, before I knew I had cancer, a few co-workers and I would sit around and discuss which doctor we would see if we were ever diagnosed with cancer, I honestly never thought I would choose Dr. Misleh. Not because he is not worthy or not as good as the other doctors, simply because he was new at this. He was new to the practice and didn't have as many years under his belt as the others but I can say with 100% certainty that he is an amazing doctor, he may not be as "seasoned" as the other doctors but he is just as intelligent, he knows what needs to be done, and he has a voice. He never kept me waiting for test results, he never made me feel like I was not going to be ok, he never hesitated to say this is what needs to be done and we are doing it. He knew about my anxiety issues and he went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and highly drugged during chemo sessions (hence the lose of memory), he always has been honest with me, he, just like Dr. P makes you feel like he cares, and most importantly when dealing with something as horrible as cancer is, he always kept a sense of humor. He would keep things serious when they needed to be but he also was able to joke around. Dr. Misleh, thank you for keeping me safe during chemo, for knowing what needed to be done to practically make the cancer disappear, for being caring, for understanding how difficult this was and for giving me the chance at a future, without the knowledge and treatment plan that you created for me Gabby and Cole more than likely would of grown up without their mommy but because of you the chance of having their mommy for a long time became possible. To my super special nurse, Dawn. Ugh! I could barely get through typing the doctors parts without crying, no way I will be able to make it through this one. Every once in a while you meet a person who is so selfless, caring, understanding, and just all around good hearted. Dawn held my hand during every single chemo session, she gave me the chemo and kept me safe during my 5 hour infusions. She has been amazing to my family, including my babies, she has gone above and beyond what she had to. If it wasn't for her I do not think I would have been able to get through chemotherapy, I was never so scared of anything in my life but she knew how to calm down, before the good meds, I felt 100% comfortable in her care and I knew that she was not going to let anything happen to me. Dawn, thank you for everything, for being you, for caring about me, and for being one of three people that saved my life.
With all that being said, I am going to finish up my last 4 radiation treatments and really really enjoy my Christmas this year! Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year, who has supported me, who has sent cards, flowers, food, etc. Thank You!!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
How time flies
I can't believe it has been a month since my last post. I guess it is a good thing, it must mean nothing really exciting is happening in my world these days. I will catch everyone up on what I have been doing and what is coming up for me.
Up first, implants. I have been completely filled! YAY! I had my last fill on November 10, 2011. I am very excited to not have to go through that any longer. Once Dr. Saunders filled me for the last time he told me he was going to miss me. He said that I was a pleasure to work with and that it is not everyday you meet someone who always has a smile on their face and someone that he looks forward to seeing, that made my day. My implants are filled to 680cc's, which makes me a C. At the time of my exchange surgery he will be able to make them up to a DD if I choose (sorry Ry, not going that big). He told me that I have to wait until March to get exchanged, the skin, muscle, and the expander implant have to settle before I can get a permanent implant placed, and thanks to radiation Dr. Saunders will have is work cut out for him due the skin on the right side losing elasticity. I see him again on March 5th and we will pick out the implant, Saline vs silicone vs gummy bear. Oh the decisions. I am currently scheduled to be exchanged on March 16th. This surgery will be the absolute final step in all of this, Dr. Saunders will also remove my port (thank God) during this procedure so there will be nothing left lingering around.
Radiation is no fun at all. I have 18 more radiation treatments left as of today. They are not painful just a pain. They are every morning Mon-Fri at 7:15am, it takes about 5-7 minutes to get radiated and then I just go right upstairs to work. I am being radiated on the right side, I get radiation to the implant area, my right side under my arm, and my chest. It is very weird to lay there and have this big machine rotate around you and because I have to lay with my head facing to the left I get to look at the radiation machine the entire time and see the little radiation box on the computer fill up and then I see RAD ON and watch as the green box empties. Kind of an unsettling feeling to know that at that moment my body is being radiated. I have been experiencing A LOT of fatigue with this, by 7:00pm I feel like it is midnight and I find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open, also because they are radiating my chest I was told that a portion of my right lung is being radiated as well, so I get the pleasure of feeling like I am winded and short of breath with doing the easiest of tasks, and the metal taste in my mouth that left after chemo has returned. I really do not have any skin changes yet, I have noticed that my surgery scar on that side is more red than the other side. Dr. Strasser, my rad onc, told me that when I am all done my right side will look like it was in the Bahamas while my left side will look like it stayed home. I will be completed on December 28, 2011 at that point I will start on the pill Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. I just want to make sure that no major cancer treatments carry over into the new year.
2011 will go down as the absolute worst year, it will also be the year I learned the most. I learned how strong I really am, both physically and emotionally. I learned how precious life is, how to live and most importantly I learned how to finally conquer anxiety!! It only took cancer and the possibility of dying but I am OVER my anxiety issues. 2012 is going to be a GREAT year, I can feel it.
Up first, implants. I have been completely filled! YAY! I had my last fill on November 10, 2011. I am very excited to not have to go through that any longer. Once Dr. Saunders filled me for the last time he told me he was going to miss me. He said that I was a pleasure to work with and that it is not everyday you meet someone who always has a smile on their face and someone that he looks forward to seeing, that made my day. My implants are filled to 680cc's, which makes me a C. At the time of my exchange surgery he will be able to make them up to a DD if I choose (sorry Ry, not going that big). He told me that I have to wait until March to get exchanged, the skin, muscle, and the expander implant have to settle before I can get a permanent implant placed, and thanks to radiation Dr. Saunders will have is work cut out for him due the skin on the right side losing elasticity. I see him again on March 5th and we will pick out the implant, Saline vs silicone vs gummy bear. Oh the decisions. I am currently scheduled to be exchanged on March 16th. This surgery will be the absolute final step in all of this, Dr. Saunders will also remove my port (thank God) during this procedure so there will be nothing left lingering around.
Radiation is no fun at all. I have 18 more radiation treatments left as of today. They are not painful just a pain. They are every morning Mon-Fri at 7:15am, it takes about 5-7 minutes to get radiated and then I just go right upstairs to work. I am being radiated on the right side, I get radiation to the implant area, my right side under my arm, and my chest. It is very weird to lay there and have this big machine rotate around you and because I have to lay with my head facing to the left I get to look at the radiation machine the entire time and see the little radiation box on the computer fill up and then I see RAD ON and watch as the green box empties. Kind of an unsettling feeling to know that at that moment my body is being radiated. I have been experiencing A LOT of fatigue with this, by 7:00pm I feel like it is midnight and I find myself really struggling to keep my eyes open, also because they are radiating my chest I was told that a portion of my right lung is being radiated as well, so I get the pleasure of feeling like I am winded and short of breath with doing the easiest of tasks, and the metal taste in my mouth that left after chemo has returned. I really do not have any skin changes yet, I have noticed that my surgery scar on that side is more red than the other side. Dr. Strasser, my rad onc, told me that when I am all done my right side will look like it was in the Bahamas while my left side will look like it stayed home. I will be completed on December 28, 2011 at that point I will start on the pill Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. I just want to make sure that no major cancer treatments carry over into the new year.
2011 will go down as the absolute worst year, it will also be the year I learned the most. I learned how strong I really am, both physically and emotionally. I learned how precious life is, how to live and most importantly I learned how to finally conquer anxiety!! It only took cancer and the possibility of dying but I am OVER my anxiety issues. 2012 is going to be a GREAT year, I can feel it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)