With the holidays quickly approaching I am certain I will not have time to post a blog, so I wanted to post one last blog in 2011. I am looking forward to saying a big farewell to the year from hell. I welcome 2012 (and my 32nd b-day) with open arms. As I sat at work the other day I was thinking about everything that has happened this year, I thought about how the day I realized that I would be going through chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation felt like it was just yesterday. I thought about all the different emotions and "phases" I have gone through and am still going through, I have thought about how much I have changed as a person, how much more life means to me now, how grateful I am to open my eyes every morning. I have learned how much respect and thankfulness I have for the doctors and nurse that saved my life. I have also learned that as much as I would like to be in control I have no control over what the future holds for me.
I decided a few nights ago to go back through my blog and re-read my posts, there are so many things that I either don't remember or that I have chosen to permanently block out. WOW, what a crazy nine months it has been. I was the girl who was literally afraid of everything and I have conquered so many things that I never thought in a million years I would do. I never liked to take medication (I survived 6 rounds of chemotherapy), I never wanted or thought I would get surgery (let alone plastic surgery), I survived a 5 hour major surgery and have breast implants, and I never thought that I would stop crying after my diagnosis and now my tears are few and far between. Don't get me wrong I still cry sometimes after my kids go to sleep, I still wonder why this happened to me, I still get overcome with fear that I will not be here to see my kids grow up, the only difference now is I think back to everything I have been through and know that in my heart I have done every single thing possible to keep me cancer free. I try my hardest to enjoy every single day with my kids and make sure they know that mommy loves them more then they will ever be able to comprehend. As horrible as having cancer has been I can say that not all has been bad. I got to spend the spring and summer home with my kids, I got to hang out with a really good friend and her babies a lot more, I got to see that after 6 years of working at MOHC they really are an amazing group of people and I can honestly say first hand now that the doctors are brilliant, caring, and at the top of their game. I got to really see what it was like to be faced with the possibility of dying. Now, that is one of the scariest things you can deal with. No one can tell you how to feel or deal with being young and having cancer, no one can understand the emotions that you go through, no one can understand that no matter what the rest of your life has been forever changed. I have to learn to trust my body again, to know that it is ok to get a cold or have headache, it is ok to say I need a break and go to bed at 7:00pm, it is ok to sometimes just sit and have a good cry. I got to see how strong I really am.
To the doctors and nurse that saved my life, I will never ever ever be able to say thank you enough. I have so much respect for my breast surgeon, Dr. Pahnke. Thank you, thank you for taking the time that night in March to sit and talk with my husband after hours, for reassuring me throughout all of this that you were going to "get me out of this mess", for telling me that I WAS going to see my kids grow up. Thank you for the intelligent, caring, compassionate doctor that you are, for doing such an incredible job with my surgery and for never not once making me regret, rethink, or feel unsafe has having you be the man to save my life. I wish there was a way that I could re-pay this man but all I can do is sincerely thank him every time I see him. I have just as much respect for my oncologist, Dr. Misleh, as I do for my surgeon. To be completely honest, before I knew I had cancer, a few co-workers and I would sit around and discuss which doctor we would see if we were ever diagnosed with cancer, I honestly never thought I would choose Dr. Misleh. Not because he is not worthy or not as good as the other doctors, simply because he was new at this. He was new to the practice and didn't have as many years under his belt as the others but I can say with 100% certainty that he is an amazing doctor, he may not be as "seasoned" as the other doctors but he is just as intelligent, he knows what needs to be done, and he has a voice. He never kept me waiting for test results, he never made me feel like I was not going to be ok, he never hesitated to say this is what needs to be done and we are doing it. He knew about my anxiety issues and he went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and highly drugged during chemo sessions (hence the lose of memory), he always has been honest with me, he, just like Dr. P makes you feel like he cares, and most importantly when dealing with something as horrible as cancer is, he always kept a sense of humor. He would keep things serious when they needed to be but he also was able to joke around. Dr. Misleh, thank you for keeping me safe during chemo, for knowing what needed to be done to practically make the cancer disappear, for being caring, for understanding how difficult this was and for giving me the chance at a future, without the knowledge and treatment plan that you created for me Gabby and Cole more than likely would of grown up without their mommy but because of you the chance of having their mommy for a long time became possible. To my super special nurse, Dawn. Ugh! I could barely get through typing the doctors parts without crying, no way I will be able to make it through this one. Every once in a while you meet a person who is so selfless, caring, understanding, and just all around good hearted. Dawn held my hand during every single chemo session, she gave me the chemo and kept me safe during my 5 hour infusions. She has been amazing to my family, including my babies, she has gone above and beyond what she had to. If it wasn't for her I do not think I would have been able to get through chemotherapy, I was never so scared of anything in my life but she knew how to calm down, before the good meds, I felt 100% comfortable in her care and I knew that she was not going to let anything happen to me. Dawn, thank you for everything, for being you, for caring about me, and for being one of three people that saved my life.
With all that being said, I am going to finish up my last 4 radiation treatments and really really enjoy my Christmas this year! Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year, who has supported me, who has sent cards, flowers, food, etc. Thank You!!
I would like to second everything Amy just said. Honestly, the care and support that we recieved from Dr. Pahnke, Dr. Misleh and Dawn was nothing short of amazing. From the moment we were told Amy had cancer, I never once had a doubt that we were in the best hands possible. There is no amount of money in the world that could compensate for what these people do every day for not only Amy, but the hundreds and hundreds of people that walk through the front doors at MOHC. We, I... am TRULY grateful for everything you guys do. Not many people out there go to work everyday, punch their time card, and save someone's life. And for that you are truly special.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'd also like to thank everyone else for EVERYTHING you have done for Amy and our family! I won't name names because 1: I don't know if everyone wants their name thrown on here and 2: I will absolutely forget half of you and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings... but you all know who you are. I will never forget walking in to MOHC one day (for I believe Amy's 2nd treatment) and what seemed like the whole office coming out to the front counter to support her, and we were given a gift box (with the pink rubber bracelets amongst many other things), and people were clapping... and it just brought a tear to my eye to see how wonderful you people really are and see how when one person goes down, you all gather to pull them right back up again. Every one of you standing there that day will forever hold a special place in my heart. Thank you. Thank you ALL from the schedulers, to medical records, to the nurses in the back, to the doctors, to the supervisors who have been SO understanding and flexible, to the ladies up front who always had a smile on their faces everytime we'd walk through the door, to the private conversations and little talks that help boosted our spirit through all of this... thank you ALL!
Also, thank you to our friends and family. Sometimes in life you realize what "family" really means. It's not blood, or genes, or skin tone... it's the ones that stand by you, through thick and thin. It's that ones that come over at 1:00 in the morning because it's been a bad night or the ones that change their plans, drop everything they're doing and come to your calling. It's the ones that care not because they have to, but because they want to. It's those that take a day off of work to sit in a hospital just to be there... for you. Our family and close friends have really, truly been SO incredible over these past 9 months. Without them I don't think... I KNOW we wouldn't have made it through all of this. Mentally, physically, financially, emotionally, the list goes on and on. You don't realize how this horrible disease truly affects someone's life until you live in that person's life and you see first hand what it does and I have to say, through all of this, Amy and I really do have the best friends and family we could ever possibly ask for. Thank all of you!
Great post Amy! Its amazing how far you've come & what you've overcome! Stay strong, positive and upbeat! I hope that no more curve balls are thrown your way!!!
ReplyDeleteAlexis