After you have been through cancer treatment it is a hard process of getting your life back in order. You try not to think about what the chances are that your cancer could return, you try not to think that every headache you get is now brain cancer, that every time you have a coughing fit or feel short of breath that it is now in your lungs, it is hard to trust your body and to just have faith in that cancer is gone forever. Well, I try very hard to keep these thoughts at bay ( I am not always successful). A couple of days ago I noticed that under my right arm was very sore, it hurt to touch it and it hurt to sleep on the right side, typically I am over the top dramatic when I know that it is nothing. When I think that it could possibly be something I tend to try and keep it to myself. I have spent the last week or so crying hysterically once my kids had gone to bed because I was so afraid that something had returned. Even though I work in the same office as my oncologist I don't want to be that patient that is constantly running to him with everything that I feel. I was scheduled to see him again in July and I figured I would just wait until then to talk to him. As I have said before I am dramatic, I can admit to this freely. The very thought of hearing the words, recurrence, chemotherapy, or even CAT scan had me so sick to my stomach last night that I could not sleep. I sat on my couch next to Ryan last night and sobbed. I couldn't get the horrible feeling in my stomach (the same feeling I had the night I was told I had cancer) to go away, I kept saying I just want to see Gabby and Cole grow up, I am not ready for any of this to be happening again. I was completley terrified.
When I came into work this morning I told some friends/co-workers what I had felt and had them feel it and the next thing I knew my friend Maria and I were sitting in the exam room where I was told I had cancer. I was very nervous, I took a Xanax prior to getting to work that morning but it was not working. The doc came in and I try to not seem serious or scared so I just said "are you tired of me yet". He asked what I was feeling and he right away went to town pushing and feeling under my right arm. Let me tell you it hurt! I smacked his hand once (probably not a good idea) and he said he didn't feel anything abnormal, he said he did feel some thickening around the scar in my armpit and the other 4 scars I have on that side but all in all he was not concered but if it did get worse I needed and ultrasound to see exactly what was going on. I asked him why it hurt and what that really big hard piece was and apparently once your chest has been gutted and your surgeon tells you that all you are is implant and skin he is not exageratting. He said that was my ribs I was feeling. There is nothing else there so its skin, implant and apparently ribs. I guess once you get major surgery, reconstructive surgery, and radiation to an area you end up with all sorts of weird things.
I am more calm now and confident again that all is going to be ok. I hate when little things pop up just to remind of what an ordeal you had been through.
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