Today is 2 weeks since my surgery and 2 weeks since the most uncomfortable, annoying, and painful implants were placed in my body. I met with my BFF (Dr. Pahnke) today, as we walked into an exam room his assistant told us today was his 60th birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! When he walked into the exam room he was not his chipper self, he said the lady he just saw gave him a hard time and yelled at him because he did her biopsy and then went away for 4 days. She wanted to know how he could go away without calling her and giving her results, he said her exact words to him were "you have no idea how emotional having breast cancer is", he looked at me and said "I told her you do NOT have cancer, why don't you go talk to my next patient, 31 with cancer and just had a bilateral mastectomy, about how emotional breast cancer is", feisty. I felt bad for him, how could anyone be upset with him, he is an incredible doctor who is GREAT at what he does, I will forever be indebted to Dr. Pahnke. Anyway, after our convo he walked over to me and grabbed my arms and straightened them out in front of me, OMG the pain. He then said to lay down and he lifted my arms above my head, I thought I would faint from the pain, after my arm was stuck above my head he started to feel the implant. Feeling the implant is a weird experience because on the outside everything is numb, I could not feel his hand on my chest at all however, when he grabbed the implant and moved it, now that I felt. I almost came off the table. After he was done inflicting a lot of pain I sat up and asked how long my armpits would be swollen for. He ever so nicely walked behind me grabbed the "swollen" area and was squeezing with all he had he said "oh, it is not swollen, this is all your fat" oh nice. He told me that as I am inflated it will all stretch out and get smaller, great. I have been in pain and very uncomfortable since my 8:45am appointment.
I hate to complain about things now that I have been through hell and back but I have to complain about this recovery. I was told that while I have these tissue expander implants in I will be uncomfortable. Well, they forget to add frustrated, limited, in pain, not able to breathe or lay flat, and many other things to their little list. These implants are not like normal implants, they are made of a very hard plastic and since they are not at full capacity you can clearly feel the edges of them under your skin. They also do not move with your body when you sit up, stand up, or move your arms or torso you can feel them, lovely. Also when you try and take a deep breath it feels like a rubber band is wrapped around your chest and starts burning. There are times when I can not even talk because the implants are rubbing and it takes my breath away. As if this was not bad enough then add in the fact that I still can not use my arms all the way. That is the most frustrating part, I can't lift my arms very high before the pulling and burning starts, therefore, I am not able to open the cabinets in my kitchen, I can't reach my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet, I am not able to open medicine bottles, I can finally dress myself. It takes me around 10 minutes to get a shirt on, 5 minutes for the pants, and make up, forget it. It took me 46 minutes to get a shower the other day and my showers only consist of bathing, I have no hair to wash (I have a buzz cut look now so no lengthy shampooing is needed), 46 minutes to wash my body. I am starting to run out of patients! I am bored out of my mind, I can't really go anywhere, no driving myself until November, I am sick of looking at the walls in my house and sitting in my recliner. The highlight of my day is having Ryan lift me up into his truck so we can go get Gabby from school. And lastly the hot flashes since surgery, SERIOUSLY!! I was having them before surgery, thanks chemo, but now they are insane. I get pins and needles all over my body and then instantly become soaking wet with sweat. My hope at this point is that as my implants get filled they will loosen up and all this nonsense will start to get better, if not this is going to be a very long 6 months!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Ouch!
I want to say thanks to my hubby, Ryan, for writing the last post for me, he did a wonderful job. I also want to say thank you to all the friends and family members that stood beside me these past 6 months. If it was not for all of them I would not be where I am today, all the love, support, cards, everything helped to encourage me to fight through everything and for that I got the ultimate ending, CANCER FREE. I got all 3 of my JP drains out Monday (OUCH and yuck, more on them later) so I am now able to move my arms more which means I can type. I would like to give my side of the surgery experience and basically complain about the recovery, even though it is not as bad as I had myself prepared for. I had 2 great surgeons (one I am loving more and more each day) who made me a promise to keep me safe and make me cancer free. I will try to not re-type things that Ryan has already written.
Two nights before surgery, as I tucked the kids into bed, it finally all hit Gabrielle. I hugged her and as I went to kiss her goodnight she whispered into my ear "please call Aunt Mandy", I told her it was 8:00pm and she would see Aunt Mandy in the morning at school, well she completely lost it and just kept saying "please call Aunt Mandy, I need to talk to Aunt Mandy". I grabbed my phone and called my sister, I told her Gabby was crying and wanted to talk to her, I was sitting on the bed next to Gabby and her conversation broke my heart. She told Aunt Mandy she was scared, she didn't want mommy to have surgery and she didn't want mommy to go to Heaven. I had to walk out of the room, I could not keep it together. She talked to my sister for a bit and she calmed right down. After her conversation I let her get out of bed and stay in the living room with me, how could I not? The next 2 days I tried my hardest to be excited about surgery in front of her, I don't think Cole really was able to process what was going to happen in a few days. I managed to keep it together in front of them but every night after they were in bed I would sit in the living room and cry. I cried because I was scared, because I didn't want to have this surgery, and because it all was becoming too much for me to handle.
The morning of surgery I was up by 3:00am. I laid in my bed and stared and my kids, kind of creepy, and then I got up and went in the living room and cried until everyone got up. I packed my bag for the hospital and the kids bag for the day, when it finally was time to leave I helped the kids get into my dad's truck and I said my goodbye to both of them. I have never had to try so hard to fight back tears in my life. I did not cry one tear drop in front of them that morning, I told them I would call them later that night and I promised I would be home the following night. Once I got in my car and closed the door the flood gates opened. I cried hysterically, I was sure that was the last time I would ever see, hug, kiss, or talk to Gabby and Cole. The drive to the hospital seemed like it took 2 minutes to get there. Once inside we met with some of my co-worker/friends and they said a very beautiful prayer for me and I of course cried. I hugged them each very tightly and said my good byes. As I walked down the hall in the Surgical Procedure Unit I could feel my heart start beating faster and I had the urge to turn around and run. I knew I had to go through with this and this would be the surgery that would give me the opportunity to see my kids grow up. I signed myself in and had a seat in the waiting room, I saw my number on the operating room schedule board and was pretty sure I was going to hyperventilate. I kept asking my sister and Ryan if everything was going to be ok, I knew they were going to say yes and I also knew they had no clue. When the lady finally called my name I looked at Ryan and completely lost it, I was a big girl though. I gave my things to him said bye and walked away, the nurse asked if I was ok and I just shook my head no, she said "well grab your husband then sweetie, I don't want you this upset", I turned around very quickly and motioned for Ryan to come with me. Once I got in my prep and holding room and on the stretcher I started to calm down. Ryan and I chatted and tried to joke around, after they did everything they needed to do they let my sister, mom, and grand mom come back as well. The nurse came back in and said she had called upstairs to pre-op to ask if Ryan could stay with me and they told her no. They said he needed to wait out in the waiting area because they were very busy up there. I instantly started shaking and my anxiety level was through the roof again. They finally came back in and said it was time to go upstairs, they were ready for me. As we were in the elevator I kept praying that it would break down and buy me some time, it didn't. We got off the elevator and they wheeled me the pre-op area, when the lady stopped pushing the stretcher she said "ok guys here is where you say good bye" I started to breathe very heavy and I did not want to let go of Ryan's hand. I hugged everyone good bye and when I hugged Ryan I couldn't let go. I begged him to not let me go and to please promise me that he would take care of Gabby and Cole. Just as Ryan stepped away a very nice lady in a business suite came up to me and said "oh honey it is going to be ok, would you like to hold my hand?" I said "no" but took her hand anyway, she asked if that was better and I said "no" she said "would you like your husband to stay with you" I quickly responded with "YES". She looked at Ryan and said "you can come with her, we don't want anyone this scared, it is not scary up here". Yeah, ok, not scary, I am about to be knocked out for 5 hours, a little scary. Being rolled through pre-op is not comforting, there is people everywhere, all you hear is machines beeping and people making noises, and it is very dimly light. Once they wheeled me into my spot I was greeted by a very nice man named Frank. Frank was very soothing and he calmed me down, he told me I would be asleep before I knew it and then poof awake. He said the hardest part is going to be for Ryan and my family, they have to stay awake for the next 5 hours and wait. Everything seemed to happen rather quickly in pre-op, I met my anesthesiologist, one of the nurses that was going to be in the O.R. with me and I got to see Dr. Pahnke and Dr. Saunders one last time. Dr. Saunders came in first and he asked if I was ok, I told him no and he said to me "we have no first timers here today, we are all vets at what we do and I will not let anyone else touch you, you are going to be fine, I will make sure of it", I thanked him and he then drew all over my chest, that was the last time I would ever see the "girls". Up next my all time fave, Dr. Pahnke, he walked around the curtain took one look at Ryan and said "hey why are you here", Ryan pointed to me and I said "Dr. Pahnke I am sooo scared" he responded with "what happened, last night you were ok, what changed, nothing is going to happen to you I am here", the night before my surgery Dr. Pahnke called me to check on me, I told him how scared I was and he promised me everything was going to turn out how we wanted. After he chatted with me a bit he looked at the anesthesiologist and asked why she had not given me a sedative and why was I sitting there crying, I should have been in la la land by now. Dr. Pahnke grabbed his needle that he need to stick in my chest and the anesthesiologist grabbed 2 shots of something out of her magical little pack. Everything from here gets foggy and sporadic, I remember looking at Ryan while she was giving me the "good stuff", I don't remember the needle in my chest or being wheeled to O.R.. I don't remember my last convo with Ryan but the Coach bag comment is totally me. The next thing I remember was moving from the stretcher onto the O.R. table, I asked the O.R. nurse if the room was supposed to be that cluttered and told her it could have been nicer. I remember my anesthesiologist coming over to me and this conversation happened; me "are you going to be in here with me the entire time" her "yes, I will not leave you" me "well I don't like you" probably not what you want to tell the person who is going to be keeping you alive for the next 5 hours. She laughed and grabbed the "oxygen mask", she said next thing I would her is her saying "Amy time to get up, Amy open your eyes". I told her I knew that wasn't oxygen that it was the night-night medicine and I didn't want it. And that is all she wrote!
"Amy, Amy, what is your pain level Amy" that is the very next thing I remember. I must of muttered something because I suddenly felt hot and was back out. I opened my eyes again and tried to take the oxygen off my face and my nurse said to leave it alone or she would have to strap my hands down. She asked again about my pain and then the hot sensation came back. I did however ask my nurse if I was blind because I couldn't see anything and she just responded with "open your eyes". Good advice, not blind. I opened my eyes again because I could hear "hey babe you did it, it's all over" I looked up and saw Ryan standing there, my nurse said he could only stay for a minute because he was not supposed to be there but he had something to tell me. "Amy, it is over, you are officially CANCER FREE babe" I felt the biggest smile come across my face and I felt the biggest weight lifted off my chest, and not because the girls were gone. He kissed me on the forehead and said he had to go but he would see me in my room, I did not care any longer that I was alone, I was cancer free nothing was going to scare me now. The drug pushing nurse must have injected me 5 times with her hot night-night needle, I remember when the guy came to wheel me to my room the nurse said according to Dr. Pahnke I was VIP and I was going to the "Presidential Suite", I thought maybe it was the meds and I was hearing things but then someone else asked me if I was related to Dr. Pahnke, I told them no and asked why, they said they had strict orders as to where my recovery room was and when you get a recovery room on 7E you don't ask questions. I told them "oh no, not related, he collapsed my lung in April, he owes me one". I fell back asleep and woke back up in the elevator, I believe my nurse had over dosed me on pain meds because I asked the orderly guy where we were going, he said the 7th floor, and I asked if that was Heaven. Apparently, I not only thought you took an elevator to Heaven but it is located on the 7th floor. He just laughed and said "enjoy those meds". I really don't remember too much more from that night, I saw my mom and sister in my room and talked to them for a bit and then they left, Ryan was staying with me so he got his recliner bed ready right next to my bed. Here is the thing about the 7th floor, great private room, nice view, brand new but the nurses, it was like the Rudolph movie with the land of the misfit toys. I remember at 2:00am waking up in pain, I couldn't move so I was not able to reach Ryan (and once he is asleep you have to basically jump on him to wake him up), I could not reach my nurse button so I just laid there until finally someone came in to check my vitals. I got my percocet and went back to sleep.
The next day I had a few visitors and saw both my doctors again. Dr. Saunders came in first and he said everything went perfect as planned, he told me I had 3 drains (insert vomit noise) and asked if I wanted to see my chest. Not really. I did briefly glance down and saw 2 small A cup boobies, not as bad as I thought. He then told me it was up to me on going home or staying, I was going home. I just had to wait and see Dr. Pahnke first. Once he came in he explained to me what he took out and that everything looked great. He did say he took all my lymph nodes out just to be on the safe side. He loaded us up with hospital goodies and sent me on my way. I came home to a white and pink decorated house with signs made by the kids and my niece that said "cancer free". It felt good to be home.
Since being home I have not been able to do much. I was not allowed to lift my arms from the elbows up while I had the drains and I had to stay in the recliner with pillows propping up each arm. I did meet with my oncologist again to go over the final pathology from the surgery it turns out that at the time of surgery the area of cancer that was left measured about 1 millimeter (wow! it started out at 9 centimeters) and only 1 lymph node had been affected with 1/2 a millimeter of disease. Basically it was all micro-disease and those results were the best we could have gotten. I will meet with radiation doctor next week, we have decided to be extra safe and go with radiation to my chest as well. At this point I will do every option available to make sure this cancer NEVER returns.
I have seen my plastic surgeon twice, according to him everything is healing great, it feels very weird and uncomfortable to have these tissue expander implants. They are extremely hard and they don't move with your body. I have a hard time taking a deep breath because all my chest muscles have been scraped, cut, sewn, and angered. On Monday night Dr. Saunders removed all 3 drains, I asked him if it was going to hurt and he responded with "yes, it hurts", just lovely. He did not lie, once I took a deep breath and he pulled the drain tube I could feel it unraveling in my chest and rubbing along my muscles as he pulled it through. Once they were out he said we would meet next week for my first "fill". He is going to put 4 ounces or 120cc's in each side next week, I was instructed to take percocet prior to this appointment, not looking forward to it. As for now I am working on slowly being able to use and lift my arms again, I can not get them very high yet and I am working on straightening my arms as well. I start physical therapy in 2 weeks to help with the arm that has no lymph nodes (I can never have an injection, blood pressure, iv, or blood drawn from my right arm again). Despite all the frustrations that are coming along with this recovery and all the time it is going to take to recover, I am just happy to be cancer free! Gabby and Cole tell me everyday "mommy I am so happy you are cancer free" I just kiss their little heads and say "me too".
Two nights before surgery, as I tucked the kids into bed, it finally all hit Gabrielle. I hugged her and as I went to kiss her goodnight she whispered into my ear "please call Aunt Mandy", I told her it was 8:00pm and she would see Aunt Mandy in the morning at school, well she completely lost it and just kept saying "please call Aunt Mandy, I need to talk to Aunt Mandy". I grabbed my phone and called my sister, I told her Gabby was crying and wanted to talk to her, I was sitting on the bed next to Gabby and her conversation broke my heart. She told Aunt Mandy she was scared, she didn't want mommy to have surgery and she didn't want mommy to go to Heaven. I had to walk out of the room, I could not keep it together. She talked to my sister for a bit and she calmed right down. After her conversation I let her get out of bed and stay in the living room with me, how could I not? The next 2 days I tried my hardest to be excited about surgery in front of her, I don't think Cole really was able to process what was going to happen in a few days. I managed to keep it together in front of them but every night after they were in bed I would sit in the living room and cry. I cried because I was scared, because I didn't want to have this surgery, and because it all was becoming too much for me to handle.
The morning of surgery I was up by 3:00am. I laid in my bed and stared and my kids, kind of creepy, and then I got up and went in the living room and cried until everyone got up. I packed my bag for the hospital and the kids bag for the day, when it finally was time to leave I helped the kids get into my dad's truck and I said my goodbye to both of them. I have never had to try so hard to fight back tears in my life. I did not cry one tear drop in front of them that morning, I told them I would call them later that night and I promised I would be home the following night. Once I got in my car and closed the door the flood gates opened. I cried hysterically, I was sure that was the last time I would ever see, hug, kiss, or talk to Gabby and Cole. The drive to the hospital seemed like it took 2 minutes to get there. Once inside we met with some of my co-worker/friends and they said a very beautiful prayer for me and I of course cried. I hugged them each very tightly and said my good byes. As I walked down the hall in the Surgical Procedure Unit I could feel my heart start beating faster and I had the urge to turn around and run. I knew I had to go through with this and this would be the surgery that would give me the opportunity to see my kids grow up. I signed myself in and had a seat in the waiting room, I saw my number on the operating room schedule board and was pretty sure I was going to hyperventilate. I kept asking my sister and Ryan if everything was going to be ok, I knew they were going to say yes and I also knew they had no clue. When the lady finally called my name I looked at Ryan and completely lost it, I was a big girl though. I gave my things to him said bye and walked away, the nurse asked if I was ok and I just shook my head no, she said "well grab your husband then sweetie, I don't want you this upset", I turned around very quickly and motioned for Ryan to come with me. Once I got in my prep and holding room and on the stretcher I started to calm down. Ryan and I chatted and tried to joke around, after they did everything they needed to do they let my sister, mom, and grand mom come back as well. The nurse came back in and said she had called upstairs to pre-op to ask if Ryan could stay with me and they told her no. They said he needed to wait out in the waiting area because they were very busy up there. I instantly started shaking and my anxiety level was through the roof again. They finally came back in and said it was time to go upstairs, they were ready for me. As we were in the elevator I kept praying that it would break down and buy me some time, it didn't. We got off the elevator and they wheeled me the pre-op area, when the lady stopped pushing the stretcher she said "ok guys here is where you say good bye" I started to breathe very heavy and I did not want to let go of Ryan's hand. I hugged everyone good bye and when I hugged Ryan I couldn't let go. I begged him to not let me go and to please promise me that he would take care of Gabby and Cole. Just as Ryan stepped away a very nice lady in a business suite came up to me and said "oh honey it is going to be ok, would you like to hold my hand?" I said "no" but took her hand anyway, she asked if that was better and I said "no" she said "would you like your husband to stay with you" I quickly responded with "YES". She looked at Ryan and said "you can come with her, we don't want anyone this scared, it is not scary up here". Yeah, ok, not scary, I am about to be knocked out for 5 hours, a little scary. Being rolled through pre-op is not comforting, there is people everywhere, all you hear is machines beeping and people making noises, and it is very dimly light. Once they wheeled me into my spot I was greeted by a very nice man named Frank. Frank was very soothing and he calmed me down, he told me I would be asleep before I knew it and then poof awake. He said the hardest part is going to be for Ryan and my family, they have to stay awake for the next 5 hours and wait. Everything seemed to happen rather quickly in pre-op, I met my anesthesiologist, one of the nurses that was going to be in the O.R. with me and I got to see Dr. Pahnke and Dr. Saunders one last time. Dr. Saunders came in first and he asked if I was ok, I told him no and he said to me "we have no first timers here today, we are all vets at what we do and I will not let anyone else touch you, you are going to be fine, I will make sure of it", I thanked him and he then drew all over my chest, that was the last time I would ever see the "girls". Up next my all time fave, Dr. Pahnke, he walked around the curtain took one look at Ryan and said "hey why are you here", Ryan pointed to me and I said "Dr. Pahnke I am sooo scared" he responded with "what happened, last night you were ok, what changed, nothing is going to happen to you I am here", the night before my surgery Dr. Pahnke called me to check on me, I told him how scared I was and he promised me everything was going to turn out how we wanted. After he chatted with me a bit he looked at the anesthesiologist and asked why she had not given me a sedative and why was I sitting there crying, I should have been in la la land by now. Dr. Pahnke grabbed his needle that he need to stick in my chest and the anesthesiologist grabbed 2 shots of something out of her magical little pack. Everything from here gets foggy and sporadic, I remember looking at Ryan while she was giving me the "good stuff", I don't remember the needle in my chest or being wheeled to O.R.. I don't remember my last convo with Ryan but the Coach bag comment is totally me. The next thing I remember was moving from the stretcher onto the O.R. table, I asked the O.R. nurse if the room was supposed to be that cluttered and told her it could have been nicer. I remember my anesthesiologist coming over to me and this conversation happened; me "are you going to be in here with me the entire time" her "yes, I will not leave you" me "well I don't like you" probably not what you want to tell the person who is going to be keeping you alive for the next 5 hours. She laughed and grabbed the "oxygen mask", she said next thing I would her is her saying "Amy time to get up, Amy open your eyes". I told her I knew that wasn't oxygen that it was the night-night medicine and I didn't want it. And that is all she wrote!
"Amy, Amy, what is your pain level Amy" that is the very next thing I remember. I must of muttered something because I suddenly felt hot and was back out. I opened my eyes again and tried to take the oxygen off my face and my nurse said to leave it alone or she would have to strap my hands down. She asked again about my pain and then the hot sensation came back. I did however ask my nurse if I was blind because I couldn't see anything and she just responded with "open your eyes". Good advice, not blind. I opened my eyes again because I could hear "hey babe you did it, it's all over" I looked up and saw Ryan standing there, my nurse said he could only stay for a minute because he was not supposed to be there but he had something to tell me. "Amy, it is over, you are officially CANCER FREE babe" I felt the biggest smile come across my face and I felt the biggest weight lifted off my chest, and not because the girls were gone. He kissed me on the forehead and said he had to go but he would see me in my room, I did not care any longer that I was alone, I was cancer free nothing was going to scare me now. The drug pushing nurse must have injected me 5 times with her hot night-night needle, I remember when the guy came to wheel me to my room the nurse said according to Dr. Pahnke I was VIP and I was going to the "Presidential Suite", I thought maybe it was the meds and I was hearing things but then someone else asked me if I was related to Dr. Pahnke, I told them no and asked why, they said they had strict orders as to where my recovery room was and when you get a recovery room on 7E you don't ask questions. I told them "oh no, not related, he collapsed my lung in April, he owes me one". I fell back asleep and woke back up in the elevator, I believe my nurse had over dosed me on pain meds because I asked the orderly guy where we were going, he said the 7th floor, and I asked if that was Heaven. Apparently, I not only thought you took an elevator to Heaven but it is located on the 7th floor. He just laughed and said "enjoy those meds". I really don't remember too much more from that night, I saw my mom and sister in my room and talked to them for a bit and then they left, Ryan was staying with me so he got his recliner bed ready right next to my bed. Here is the thing about the 7th floor, great private room, nice view, brand new but the nurses, it was like the Rudolph movie with the land of the misfit toys. I remember at 2:00am waking up in pain, I couldn't move so I was not able to reach Ryan (and once he is asleep you have to basically jump on him to wake him up), I could not reach my nurse button so I just laid there until finally someone came in to check my vitals. I got my percocet and went back to sleep.
The next day I had a few visitors and saw both my doctors again. Dr. Saunders came in first and he said everything went perfect as planned, he told me I had 3 drains (insert vomit noise) and asked if I wanted to see my chest. Not really. I did briefly glance down and saw 2 small A cup boobies, not as bad as I thought. He then told me it was up to me on going home or staying, I was going home. I just had to wait and see Dr. Pahnke first. Once he came in he explained to me what he took out and that everything looked great. He did say he took all my lymph nodes out just to be on the safe side. He loaded us up with hospital goodies and sent me on my way. I came home to a white and pink decorated house with signs made by the kids and my niece that said "cancer free". It felt good to be home.
Since being home I have not been able to do much. I was not allowed to lift my arms from the elbows up while I had the drains and I had to stay in the recliner with pillows propping up each arm. I did meet with my oncologist again to go over the final pathology from the surgery it turns out that at the time of surgery the area of cancer that was left measured about 1 millimeter (wow! it started out at 9 centimeters) and only 1 lymph node had been affected with 1/2 a millimeter of disease. Basically it was all micro-disease and those results were the best we could have gotten. I will meet with radiation doctor next week, we have decided to be extra safe and go with radiation to my chest as well. At this point I will do every option available to make sure this cancer NEVER returns.
I have seen my plastic surgeon twice, according to him everything is healing great, it feels very weird and uncomfortable to have these tissue expander implants. They are extremely hard and they don't move with your body. I have a hard time taking a deep breath because all my chest muscles have been scraped, cut, sewn, and angered. On Monday night Dr. Saunders removed all 3 drains, I asked him if it was going to hurt and he responded with "yes, it hurts", just lovely. He did not lie, once I took a deep breath and he pulled the drain tube I could feel it unraveling in my chest and rubbing along my muscles as he pulled it through. Once they were out he said we would meet next week for my first "fill". He is going to put 4 ounces or 120cc's in each side next week, I was instructed to take percocet prior to this appointment, not looking forward to it. As for now I am working on slowly being able to use and lift my arms again, I can not get them very high yet and I am working on straightening my arms as well. I start physical therapy in 2 weeks to help with the arm that has no lymph nodes (I can never have an injection, blood pressure, iv, or blood drawn from my right arm again). Despite all the frustrations that are coming along with this recovery and all the time it is going to take to recover, I am just happy to be cancer free! Gabby and Cole tell me everyday "mommy I am so happy you are cancer free" I just kiss their little heads and say "me too".
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Cancer, check. Chemo, check. Surgery, check. 100% cancer free, CHECK!
"You and I know what it's like to be kicked down, forced to fight. But tonight, we're alright... so hold up your light, let it shine" - Bruno Mars
Since surgery, Amy has been quite down and out, sore and not able to do much besides sip through a straw and watch TV. SOOO, she asked me to step up and fill everyone in on what's been going on, how surgery went and how she's doing now. I asked her to tell me what she wanted me to write, but she left it up to me, gave me the freedom to tell the story of the past few days from my perspective. Not sure that was such a good idea (mwuahahahaha), but here goes ...
As well as most of us know Amy, it's no surprise that she had to know every step of the surgery, every procedure, the brand of latex gloves the doctors would be using, WELL in advance. She's been studying for the past few weeks, hell, probably the past few months about the ins and outs of this surgery just so there would be no surprises. I tell her all the time to take life as it comes, roll with the punches, but this time I really couldn't fight her. Surgery is something nobody (I would imagine) looks forward to and being prepared is never a bad thing when it comes to putting your life in someone else's hands. However, to say she was unbelievably nervous would be an understatement.
The surgery was scheduled for 12 noon on Friday, but we were told by the office staff at the hospital that we had to be there by 10 am. I had a hard time sleeping Thursday night and I'm sure it was 10 times harder for Amy. This became apparent to me when I woke up around 4 am and heard the shower running. Yeah. So when we finally all got up, around 7:30, I had to run a few errands while Amy got the kids ready for the weekend. They were staying with her dad for the day and then her sister was picking them up that night and they were staying with her at our house. Saying goodbye to the kids was nothing I was looking forward to seeing Amy deal with, however, she stayed incredibly strong for them. She kissed them each on the cheeks, told them she'd see them tomorrow night, and told them she loved them very much. As soon as the car door shut she lost it but I was very proud of her for holding it together in front of them.
We arrived at the hospital (Amy, her sister, mom, and myself) about 15 minutes early. 3 women that Amy works with (Lisa, Liz and Steph) met us there early and said a very touching/emotional prayer for her and our family. These women TRULY are amazing and Amy is so fortunate to not only have them as co-workers, but friends well. The entire staff at MOHC (for the most part :) have really been incredible through all of this and I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for being there for our family, the love that you have shown us and the care that you have each given to help save my wife's life. My appreciation could never be expressed enough.
Ok, so enough mushy stuff... after the prayer, we signed in and waited for Amy's name to be called for what they called, "prep and holding". Luckily, when they called her name, they let me come back as well so Amy was certainly more comfortable with that. After an hour or so in P&H (they let Mandy and her mom come back after a little while, and her grandmom who had gotten there in the meantime), they sent us all upstairs to Pre-Op. We were told on the phone ahead of time that NO ONE was allowed in Pre-Op with Amy, so once they announced we were headed up to Pre-Op, the anxiety level went from about 5 to about 30 for her. However, once we got upstairs, we were greeted by someone in administration who let me go back with her... anxiety level back down to about 15 now.
In Pre-Op, the hospital staff was nothing short of awesome. From making her feel as comfortable as possible to getting threir job done and her ready for surgery, they were great. Here is where we saw both Dr. Pahnke and Dr. Saunders (plastic surgeon) just to go over a few last minute things, no big deal. The anesthesiologist came in, introduced herself, and then introduced Amy to a little sedative that she called, the "I don't care" meds. Anxiety level now about 0. Good to go and ready for the knife. As they wheeled her out of Pre-Op (11:54 am) and into the operating room, I walked with her until they told me I couldn't go any further. Now, keep in mind, Amy could barely hold her eyes open at this point, as if she was completely out of it, I wasn't even sure she knew where she still was. As they stop the rolling the bed in the hallway for me to say goodbye, the following conversation occurs:
(Me): "Ok babe, it's time to face the music. Time to go in there and the next time I see you, you'll be cancer free. This marks the end of this nightmare for us and our family. I am so proud of you for everything you are, everything you have done, and everything you stand for. You're an inspiration. I love you SO much (eyes are watering up at this point)."
(Amy): "Yeah I love you too. When I get out can I get a Coach bag?"
(Me): "Huh?!"
>I look up at the anesthesiologist<
(Female Anesthesiologist): "Yeah, it really doesn't matter what state of mind we're in..."
I give her a kiss on the forehead with a smile on my face now and that's the last I see my wife with cancer.
The 5 hour surgery seemed like 10. We waited patiently in the "surgery waiting area" to hear something. Killing 5 hours when your wife/daughter/sister/granddaughter is having surgery is not an easy feat. We tried to keep people up to date with texts and Facebook while playing cards, but nothing could really take any of our minds off what was really going on just down the hall.
At about 4:30 pm, Dr. Pahnke came out and said the surgery went great. His part was complete but Dr. Saunders was still in there finishing up. He said it looked as if one or two lymph nodes had been affected so he made an executive decision to take them all under her right arm out, which is what Amy would have wanted anyway so maybe we'll start to look past that chest tube Doc. About a half hour later Dr. Saunders came out and said everything on his end went perfect as planned. I was able to go back to Recovery for a few minutes to see her, but they wanted her to get some rest and keep a close eye on her vitals so I could only stay a minute or two. I gave her a kiss on the forehead, told her she was 100% cancer free, and watched the biggest, brightest smile that I've seen in a long time on my wife's face. Words we've been waiting to hear for far too long. The nurse gave me her room number and said she would be up there in about an hour. This gave us some time to grab a bite to eat and relax a little bit :).
Most of the hospital staff referred to her room as "the Presidential Suite"... ok Dr. Pahnke, NOW we can look past that chest tube. It was nice, about as nice as I could imagine a hospital room. Between vital checks and bathroom visits, neither of us were able to get much sleep that night. Both doctors came in the next day as a check up and both said she looked great. They left it up to her and said if she was feeling good enough, she could go home that day... we were home by 4:00 pm that afternoon.
She's been more sore than anything here at home. They gave her some percocets for the pain and they have helped, but can't take it all away. She has 3 drains right now that drain any fluid that is supplied to her breast area that have to be emptied twice a day. Dr. Saunders said 2 of them will probably be removed later this week and the last one sometime next week. She looks really good for having major surgery 2 days ago. Her attitude is upbeat, more than I would have expected, her appetite is gradually getting better, and that big bright smile is there just about all day long!
100% CANCER FREE!!!
I love you babe and am SO proud of you! :)
-Ryan
Since surgery, Amy has been quite down and out, sore and not able to do much besides sip through a straw and watch TV. SOOO, she asked me to step up and fill everyone in on what's been going on, how surgery went and how she's doing now. I asked her to tell me what she wanted me to write, but she left it up to me, gave me the freedom to tell the story of the past few days from my perspective. Not sure that was such a good idea (mwuahahahaha), but here goes ...
As well as most of us know Amy, it's no surprise that she had to know every step of the surgery, every procedure, the brand of latex gloves the doctors would be using, WELL in advance. She's been studying for the past few weeks, hell, probably the past few months about the ins and outs of this surgery just so there would be no surprises. I tell her all the time to take life as it comes, roll with the punches, but this time I really couldn't fight her. Surgery is something nobody (I would imagine) looks forward to and being prepared is never a bad thing when it comes to putting your life in someone else's hands. However, to say she was unbelievably nervous would be an understatement.
The surgery was scheduled for 12 noon on Friday, but we were told by the office staff at the hospital that we had to be there by 10 am. I had a hard time sleeping Thursday night and I'm sure it was 10 times harder for Amy. This became apparent to me when I woke up around 4 am and heard the shower running. Yeah. So when we finally all got up, around 7:30, I had to run a few errands while Amy got the kids ready for the weekend. They were staying with her dad for the day and then her sister was picking them up that night and they were staying with her at our house. Saying goodbye to the kids was nothing I was looking forward to seeing Amy deal with, however, she stayed incredibly strong for them. She kissed them each on the cheeks, told them she'd see them tomorrow night, and told them she loved them very much. As soon as the car door shut she lost it but I was very proud of her for holding it together in front of them.
We arrived at the hospital (Amy, her sister, mom, and myself) about 15 minutes early. 3 women that Amy works with (Lisa, Liz and Steph) met us there early and said a very touching/emotional prayer for her and our family. These women TRULY are amazing and Amy is so fortunate to not only have them as co-workers, but friends well. The entire staff at MOHC (for the most part :) have really been incredible through all of this and I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for being there for our family, the love that you have shown us and the care that you have each given to help save my wife's life. My appreciation could never be expressed enough.
Ok, so enough mushy stuff... after the prayer, we signed in and waited for Amy's name to be called for what they called, "prep and holding". Luckily, when they called her name, they let me come back as well so Amy was certainly more comfortable with that. After an hour or so in P&H (they let Mandy and her mom come back after a little while, and her grandmom who had gotten there in the meantime), they sent us all upstairs to Pre-Op. We were told on the phone ahead of time that NO ONE was allowed in Pre-Op with Amy, so once they announced we were headed up to Pre-Op, the anxiety level went from about 5 to about 30 for her. However, once we got upstairs, we were greeted by someone in administration who let me go back with her... anxiety level back down to about 15 now.
In Pre-Op, the hospital staff was nothing short of awesome. From making her feel as comfortable as possible to getting threir job done and her ready for surgery, they were great. Here is where we saw both Dr. Pahnke and Dr. Saunders (plastic surgeon) just to go over a few last minute things, no big deal. The anesthesiologist came in, introduced herself, and then introduced Amy to a little sedative that she called, the "I don't care" meds. Anxiety level now about 0. Good to go and ready for the knife. As they wheeled her out of Pre-Op (11:54 am) and into the operating room, I walked with her until they told me I couldn't go any further. Now, keep in mind, Amy could barely hold her eyes open at this point, as if she was completely out of it, I wasn't even sure she knew where she still was. As they stop the rolling the bed in the hallway for me to say goodbye, the following conversation occurs:
(Me): "Ok babe, it's time to face the music. Time to go in there and the next time I see you, you'll be cancer free. This marks the end of this nightmare for us and our family. I am so proud of you for everything you are, everything you have done, and everything you stand for. You're an inspiration. I love you SO much (eyes are watering up at this point)."
(Amy): "Yeah I love you too. When I get out can I get a Coach bag?"
(Me): "Huh?!"
>I look up at the anesthesiologist<
(Female Anesthesiologist): "Yeah, it really doesn't matter what state of mind we're in..."
I give her a kiss on the forehead with a smile on my face now and that's the last I see my wife with cancer.
The 5 hour surgery seemed like 10. We waited patiently in the "surgery waiting area" to hear something. Killing 5 hours when your wife/daughter/sister/granddaughter is having surgery is not an easy feat. We tried to keep people up to date with texts and Facebook while playing cards, but nothing could really take any of our minds off what was really going on just down the hall.
At about 4:30 pm, Dr. Pahnke came out and said the surgery went great. His part was complete but Dr. Saunders was still in there finishing up. He said it looked as if one or two lymph nodes had been affected so he made an executive decision to take them all under her right arm out, which is what Amy would have wanted anyway so maybe we'll start to look past that chest tube Doc. About a half hour later Dr. Saunders came out and said everything on his end went perfect as planned. I was able to go back to Recovery for a few minutes to see her, but they wanted her to get some rest and keep a close eye on her vitals so I could only stay a minute or two. I gave her a kiss on the forehead, told her she was 100% cancer free, and watched the biggest, brightest smile that I've seen in a long time on my wife's face. Words we've been waiting to hear for far too long. The nurse gave me her room number and said she would be up there in about an hour. This gave us some time to grab a bite to eat and relax a little bit :).
Most of the hospital staff referred to her room as "the Presidential Suite"... ok Dr. Pahnke, NOW we can look past that chest tube. It was nice, about as nice as I could imagine a hospital room. Between vital checks and bathroom visits, neither of us were able to get much sleep that night. Both doctors came in the next day as a check up and both said she looked great. They left it up to her and said if she was feeling good enough, she could go home that day... we were home by 4:00 pm that afternoon.
She's been more sore than anything here at home. They gave her some percocets for the pain and they have helped, but can't take it all away. She has 3 drains right now that drain any fluid that is supplied to her breast area that have to be emptied twice a day. Dr. Saunders said 2 of them will probably be removed later this week and the last one sometime next week. She looks really good for having major surgery 2 days ago. Her attitude is upbeat, more than I would have expected, her appetite is gradually getting better, and that big bright smile is there just about all day long!
100% CANCER FREE!!!
I love you babe and am SO proud of you! :)
-Ryan
Friday, September 2, 2011
Boobs, boobs, boobs
I had my final appt, before surgery, with my breast surgeon the other day and I had my first meeting with my plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction. This surgery is now 2 week away, ah I am a little freaked out.
When I met with Dr. Pahnke we discussed the mastectomy operation and what is involved, I also told him that I have decided on a double mastectomy, I have been going back and forth and needed to make my final decision. He was very understanding as to why I wanted to proceed with the double. He explained to us the operation, good thing I will be asleep, it doesn't sound pretty. He also said this is a big surgery and he wanted to make sure I am mentally prepared for it. I am not. I still am having a hard time dealing with needing to have this done. It is not like I am having my tonsils out. I was told the surgery will last around 4 to 5 hours. I have never been put to sleep before under general anesthesia so I am freaked out completely.
I finally had my meeting with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Saunders. He is one of the nicest most compassionate doctors I have met. We discussed reconstruction and I really did not have too many options. I will be having tissue expander implants placed at the time of the mastectomy. Tissue expander's are temporary implants that go behind the chest wall muscle and get "filled" up weekly by the plastic surgeon. Since I am having a mastectomy they will be taking all the breast tissue out, the expander is used to stretch the muscle and the skin before the permanent implant is placed. Dr. Saunders told us that once a week I will go into the office and he will use his high tech machine, which was a plain old stud finder, to locate the "fill spot" on the implant. The expander implant is a round rough balloon that has a metal port in it, the metal area needs to be located each week so the doctor can inject saline into it. I will get to see my tahs expand each week. The expansion process will take anywhere from 3 to 6 months and then I will get the exchange surgery. I have been told that I will be uncomfortable until the permanent implants put in. The expander's apparently are rock hard and will be stretching the muscle away from my ribs. Dr. Saunders also told me that I have been through so much already that with the expander's he will "fill me up" until I am satisfied with the size. Originally I was going to go smaller than what I am but I have decided that I just want to look the same. I want people, friends and family, to look at me and not be able to really tell that I have had reconstruction done. Obviously, you will be able to tell that the girls are perkier and more round than they should be but I really do not want to have another drastic change to my body. I have already lost my hair, some fingernails, eyebrows, and eyelashes, if I have to lose my boobs I would like my implants to be the same size as the original girls were. Dr. Saunders informed us that he is the doctor that will be causing me pain, when you have a mastectomy they remove everything including the nerves therefore, no pain is involved. I can handle the pain, the pain will mean the end of cancer so bring on the pain. I also will have 4 drains after surgery, they really make me nervous. I can not handle looking at things like that, when I had the chest tube I refused to look at it or even look at my scar for awhile, it makes me queasy. Ryan will have to be in charge of the drains, emptying them and cleaning them, I should only have them for about 10 days. I am going to have some major battle wounds when this is all said and done.
I have been having some major anxiety regarding this surgery. My thoughts of what could go wrong are all over the place. I was originally told that Ryan could stay with me in the pre-op room and then he would be there when I woke up, well I spoke with the pre-op nurse yesterday and she informed me that Ryan can not stay with me, what am I going to do from 10:00 until noon? I will be an emotional mess. She also told me that no one is allowed in the recovery room and I will see Ryan again when I get into my room for the night. Again, not ok with me. They have no clue what they are in for if they do not let Ryan stay with me, someone better have a rather large sedative ready when I arrive at the OR that morning. A good friend gave me some good advice she told me that I am not responsible for the first thought that enters my mind but I am responsible for the second thought. I have thought about this for a while and she is absolutely right, I find myself trying to let the negative thoughts go and not allow myself to turn one thought into a stream of bad thoughts. It has been a challenge but what in these past 6 months hasn't been.
When I met with Dr. Pahnke we discussed the mastectomy operation and what is involved, I also told him that I have decided on a double mastectomy, I have been going back and forth and needed to make my final decision. He was very understanding as to why I wanted to proceed with the double. He explained to us the operation, good thing I will be asleep, it doesn't sound pretty. He also said this is a big surgery and he wanted to make sure I am mentally prepared for it. I am not. I still am having a hard time dealing with needing to have this done. It is not like I am having my tonsils out. I was told the surgery will last around 4 to 5 hours. I have never been put to sleep before under general anesthesia so I am freaked out completely.
I finally had my meeting with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Saunders. He is one of the nicest most compassionate doctors I have met. We discussed reconstruction and I really did not have too many options. I will be having tissue expander implants placed at the time of the mastectomy. Tissue expander's are temporary implants that go behind the chest wall muscle and get "filled" up weekly by the plastic surgeon. Since I am having a mastectomy they will be taking all the breast tissue out, the expander is used to stretch the muscle and the skin before the permanent implant is placed. Dr. Saunders told us that once a week I will go into the office and he will use his high tech machine, which was a plain old stud finder, to locate the "fill spot" on the implant. The expander implant is a round rough balloon that has a metal port in it, the metal area needs to be located each week so the doctor can inject saline into it. I will get to see my tahs expand each week. The expansion process will take anywhere from 3 to 6 months and then I will get the exchange surgery. I have been told that I will be uncomfortable until the permanent implants put in. The expander's apparently are rock hard and will be stretching the muscle away from my ribs. Dr. Saunders also told me that I have been through so much already that with the expander's he will "fill me up" until I am satisfied with the size. Originally I was going to go smaller than what I am but I have decided that I just want to look the same. I want people, friends and family, to look at me and not be able to really tell that I have had reconstruction done. Obviously, you will be able to tell that the girls are perkier and more round than they should be but I really do not want to have another drastic change to my body. I have already lost my hair, some fingernails, eyebrows, and eyelashes, if I have to lose my boobs I would like my implants to be the same size as the original girls were. Dr. Saunders informed us that he is the doctor that will be causing me pain, when you have a mastectomy they remove everything including the nerves therefore, no pain is involved. I can handle the pain, the pain will mean the end of cancer so bring on the pain. I also will have 4 drains after surgery, they really make me nervous. I can not handle looking at things like that, when I had the chest tube I refused to look at it or even look at my scar for awhile, it makes me queasy. Ryan will have to be in charge of the drains, emptying them and cleaning them, I should only have them for about 10 days. I am going to have some major battle wounds when this is all said and done.
I have been having some major anxiety regarding this surgery. My thoughts of what could go wrong are all over the place. I was originally told that Ryan could stay with me in the pre-op room and then he would be there when I woke up, well I spoke with the pre-op nurse yesterday and she informed me that Ryan can not stay with me, what am I going to do from 10:00 until noon? I will be an emotional mess. She also told me that no one is allowed in the recovery room and I will see Ryan again when I get into my room for the night. Again, not ok with me. They have no clue what they are in for if they do not let Ryan stay with me, someone better have a rather large sedative ready when I arrive at the OR that morning. A good friend gave me some good advice she told me that I am not responsible for the first thought that enters my mind but I am responsible for the second thought. I have thought about this for a while and she is absolutely right, I find myself trying to let the negative thoughts go and not allow myself to turn one thought into a stream of bad thoughts. It has been a challenge but what in these past 6 months hasn't been.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Here it goes
I met with my therapist yesterday and we discussed my emotions again, he told me that he feels like I am still holding back. He said he can see the "sadness" in my eyes but understands that I can not fully open up to him, after all he is a stranger to me. Opening up and crying to Ryan apparently doesn't count because he is my husband and he will just reassure me that everything will be ok, he will not be able to just listen and not respond. He suggests that I keep a journal of my everyday emotions and to also get everything out in one entry. He wants me to write exactly what I am afraid of and why, what makes me sad and why, what makes me angry and to share that, then start my everyday journal of daily feelings for just myself. I figured my blog is the perfect place to write my first entry to share so here it goes;
I am scared. Not a day goes by that fear doesn't find its way into my life. I think my fears are justified, I have cancer, not a cold, not a headache, not something that can be easily treated and then guaranteed that it is gone forever. I am scared of the possibility that this can always return, and if it does return I am no longer curable. I can be treated to make a better "quality of life" but not cured. I am scared out of my mind for the surgery. Nothing anyone says will be able to calm those fears. I can't imagine being put to sleep for 5 1/2 hours while someone removes something that has been a part of me for 31 years and someone else trying recreate those things that were removed. None of it seems safe or fair to me. I am scared to wake up and be in pain, to have drains hanging off my body and to look at myself after having surgery. Sure, the surgery will remove the cancer and help to save my life in the long run but implants or not they are not mine, it is not what I was born with, they will be something that a man created to try and make me look "normal". I am scared of the unknown, I don't know what happens after you leave this life, I don't want to be without my kids or Ryan, I don't want to find out.
I never thought that I would have anger or even resentment towards people for something that I have and they don't but, I do. I am angry that this has happened to me. I know that no one is promised tomorrow and that we can just as easily die going to work as we can from an illness the difference is I have the same chances of walking out my front door and being hit by car as the next guy plus I have the chance of dying from cancer. I didn't ask for this, I don't want this. I find myself getting mad looking at a mother and her teenage kids in the mall, why did she get to see her kids make it to their teens? I get angry at Ryan sometimes because his chances of seeing our kids grow up are better than mine. Of course if something does happen to me I would want Ryan to find someone, to move on. He deserves to grow old with someone and to have a person to go through life with but, it makes me mad and very sad to think someone else would get to share their life with him. I get mad when people complain now about silly things, who cares if you don't want to go to work or clean the house, at least you are alive and healthy and get to do those things. I am mad that I am scared, that I have to have surgery, that I have to experience this. I am angry that people can not feel what I feel. That no one can fully understand any of this unless they have been there.
Sadness. I can explain my sadness in two simple names, Gabrielle and Cole. These past 5 months have been the saddest months of my life. I can't help but look at my beautiful kids and think I am so lucky to have them but why, why would this happen. I fought for 2 years to get pregnant and have my babies, why would God let me fight so hard for them and then take me away? I get sad thinking about if they had to go through life without their mommy, the only person who knows them best. I know when they are sad, when they don't feel well, when they want to just be with mommy cause I can make it all better, who will they turn to if I am not here. Like I said before, I would want Ryan to move on but the very thought of someone else getting to be "mommy' to my kids is heartbreaking. Why should anyone else get to shop with Gabby or cuddle with Cole, why should someone else get to be there for them, they are mine damn it. I want to see Gabby in a white dress walking down the isle one day, I want to see what Cole decides to be when he is older, I want to hold their kids in my arms. The very thought of having to say goodbye to my kids is more than I can handle.
Why would I sit around and think about these negative thoughts? Because these thoughts are a reality for any parent fighting cancer. Do I honestly feel that I will be alright in the end, yes I do but I can not help but be overwhelmed with emotions until I have surgery. I have to take it one day at a time and continue to fight until Dr. Pahnke tells me that everything is gone. Yes, I am so happy to be done with chemo but now a new emotion of even though chemo was hell it was working has set in. It kicked the ass out of my cancer and me but it worked, now I have to go 1 month with no chemo and something still in my body. I am uneasy about that. I am full of emotions about work, I have returned to work and I love it there but it is extremely hard to be there, I can't bring myself to go into the chemo room. The thought of that room makes me want to cry, it makes my stomach hurt. I want to go back there and talk to Dawn and the other nurses but I can't. Finding a balance between work and home has been challenging, when I am at work I wear the wig, I talk to my co-workers, I am normal again but, as soon as I get home I take the wig off, Ryan is back on second shift so I am alone with the kids, I instantly become the girl with cancer again. People can only reassure so much that you will be fine, my fears and emotions will never completley go away, I will never be the same again. I will be improved in some ways and damaged in others. It is hard to "let go" of what or who I used to be and find out how to live in my new "normal".
"A woman is like a tea bag, you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water" Eleanor Roosevelt.
I am scared. Not a day goes by that fear doesn't find its way into my life. I think my fears are justified, I have cancer, not a cold, not a headache, not something that can be easily treated and then guaranteed that it is gone forever. I am scared of the possibility that this can always return, and if it does return I am no longer curable. I can be treated to make a better "quality of life" but not cured. I am scared out of my mind for the surgery. Nothing anyone says will be able to calm those fears. I can't imagine being put to sleep for 5 1/2 hours while someone removes something that has been a part of me for 31 years and someone else trying recreate those things that were removed. None of it seems safe or fair to me. I am scared to wake up and be in pain, to have drains hanging off my body and to look at myself after having surgery. Sure, the surgery will remove the cancer and help to save my life in the long run but implants or not they are not mine, it is not what I was born with, they will be something that a man created to try and make me look "normal". I am scared of the unknown, I don't know what happens after you leave this life, I don't want to be without my kids or Ryan, I don't want to find out.
I never thought that I would have anger or even resentment towards people for something that I have and they don't but, I do. I am angry that this has happened to me. I know that no one is promised tomorrow and that we can just as easily die going to work as we can from an illness the difference is I have the same chances of walking out my front door and being hit by car as the next guy plus I have the chance of dying from cancer. I didn't ask for this, I don't want this. I find myself getting mad looking at a mother and her teenage kids in the mall, why did she get to see her kids make it to their teens? I get angry at Ryan sometimes because his chances of seeing our kids grow up are better than mine. Of course if something does happen to me I would want Ryan to find someone, to move on. He deserves to grow old with someone and to have a person to go through life with but, it makes me mad and very sad to think someone else would get to share their life with him. I get mad when people complain now about silly things, who cares if you don't want to go to work or clean the house, at least you are alive and healthy and get to do those things. I am mad that I am scared, that I have to have surgery, that I have to experience this. I am angry that people can not feel what I feel. That no one can fully understand any of this unless they have been there.
Sadness. I can explain my sadness in two simple names, Gabrielle and Cole. These past 5 months have been the saddest months of my life. I can't help but look at my beautiful kids and think I am so lucky to have them but why, why would this happen. I fought for 2 years to get pregnant and have my babies, why would God let me fight so hard for them and then take me away? I get sad thinking about if they had to go through life without their mommy, the only person who knows them best. I know when they are sad, when they don't feel well, when they want to just be with mommy cause I can make it all better, who will they turn to if I am not here. Like I said before, I would want Ryan to move on but the very thought of someone else getting to be "mommy' to my kids is heartbreaking. Why should anyone else get to shop with Gabby or cuddle with Cole, why should someone else get to be there for them, they are mine damn it. I want to see Gabby in a white dress walking down the isle one day, I want to see what Cole decides to be when he is older, I want to hold their kids in my arms. The very thought of having to say goodbye to my kids is more than I can handle.
Why would I sit around and think about these negative thoughts? Because these thoughts are a reality for any parent fighting cancer. Do I honestly feel that I will be alright in the end, yes I do but I can not help but be overwhelmed with emotions until I have surgery. I have to take it one day at a time and continue to fight until Dr. Pahnke tells me that everything is gone. Yes, I am so happy to be done with chemo but now a new emotion of even though chemo was hell it was working has set in. It kicked the ass out of my cancer and me but it worked, now I have to go 1 month with no chemo and something still in my body. I am uneasy about that. I am full of emotions about work, I have returned to work and I love it there but it is extremely hard to be there, I can't bring myself to go into the chemo room. The thought of that room makes me want to cry, it makes my stomach hurt. I want to go back there and talk to Dawn and the other nurses but I can't. Finding a balance between work and home has been challenging, when I am at work I wear the wig, I talk to my co-workers, I am normal again but, as soon as I get home I take the wig off, Ryan is back on second shift so I am alone with the kids, I instantly become the girl with cancer again. People can only reassure so much that you will be fine, my fears and emotions will never completley go away, I will never be the same again. I will be improved in some ways and damaged in others. It is hard to "let go" of what or who I used to be and find out how to live in my new "normal".
"A woman is like a tea bag, you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water" Eleanor Roosevelt.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
One happy girl
On Friday, August 5, I had my post chemo mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI. I was very anxious going into these tests, I knew the outcome that was desired and just being back in the Breast Center were the cancer was found made me sick to my stomach. I signed in and the lady that took my insurance information said she remembered me from when I was there in March, she told me she thinks of me often and prays for me. That made me feel really good, until I realized she remembered me because I was an absolute mess when I was there in March. She told me I looked great, I love how people tell you that you look great no matter how you look when you have cancer. I am guilty of doing that with my patients before all this, I think people just have no clue what to say and complimenting you is the go to, don't get me wrong, I love when people tell me that, it makes me feel good for a minute. Anyway, once I was changed into my hospital gown for the tests I had a seat in the waiting area for my turn. A lady who was 79 years old came over and sat almost on top of me, the waiting area in the back has seats and then like bench seats, I was sitting on the bench like chair and she felt the need to sit right on top of me. I looked at her and smiled and she said "us bald girls have to stick together", ummm ok. I felt very uncomfortable in that waiting area, it is all women waiting to have their mammograms done and they look at you in complete fear of what their mammogram is going to show. The MRI was backed up so I had to wait for awhile, women would come in look at me and give me a sad "I am sorry" face, after they would get their mammograms and be told they were good to go they would not make eye contact with me when walking back through, almost like they felt guilty that they were good. One lady was told she needed to get changed and they have a nurse come out and get her and they asked if she had anyone with her, she looked at me and her face was pure terror. I just looked away, I didn't know what to say. When it was finally my turn for the mammogram I went back and the tech apologized for having to "smoosh the girls" as she put it, I told her it was fine it was my last mammogram ever. Once you have a mastectomy there is no breast tissue left so no more mammograms.She took a few pictures and I went back to the waiting room, about 5 minutes later she came back and said she needed to take more views the doctor wanted a better look at some calcifications. After those pictures I was taken back for my MRI. I hate MRI's. The ladies that did my MRI were the same ladies that did my first one, the one tech said "I remember that day so well, you broke my heart and I have not been able to stop thinking of you or that bunny picture your daughter drew that you had in your hand". I had completely forgotten about the picture, Gabby drew a bunny on a post it note for me to take to my MRI as good luck. This time I had her duck, Ducky, and Cole's blankie, Mr.Yellow. They like to give me things for good luck, to be honest having something that smells like them makes me feel calm. We chatted for a few minutes and then the other tech said "great, you have a port, makes giving you the IV contrast so much easier", I told her I did not want her to use my port, the only person who has ever accessed my port was my chemo nurse Dawn, I was not letting anyone else touch it. She said I am the boss and she would use my arm if I wanted. After the IV was in place, I walked into the MRI room, I was fighting back the tears, the ladies must of been able to tell because once I climbed up onto the table the one tech came over and started rubbing my back and was saying everything is going to be fine, I was in great hands with Dr. Pahnke and he was going to take great care of me. I layed down on the table for the test, because it is a breast MRI you have to be on your stomach so my face was in this little cut out, like a massage chair, I had earphones this time and was ready to get started, I felt the bed moving into the MRI machine and I closed my eyes as tight as I could. The ladies talk to you during the test and tell you how long it will take for the machine to take each picture. The first picture would take 3 minutes and she said to hold very still and she would start the music. The very song to come on was "I hope you dance", that song has special meaning to me and makes me think of my kids and niece and nephew, I lost it. I had tears and snot running down my face and into the part of the machine were my face was, I couldn't move or say anything for 3 minutes so I was stuck. I got through it though, the MRI seemed to not take as long this time, maybe it was because I had music, last time I wanted to keep my head to the side so I had ear plugs instead of music, I don't know but I was happy when they came in to take me out of the machine. I got dressed and went home to wait until my appointment that afternoon with my oncologist to get my results. Another perk of working there.
Ryan and I went to meet with my doc and he said the final results were not back yet but he spoke with the radiologist and the two masses that were cancer were gone, AWESOME, the area of thickening or enhancement had shrunk, it did not completely go away but I knew it would not because some of it was DCIS, and chemo does not touch DCIS. He said the results so far were positive and when I came back to work on Monday we would go over the final report, which would have measurements. So when I got my final results I was nervous, Ryan wasn't with me because I was back at work so Baker went with me and Jodie, my docs nurse, stayed in the room also. He said it was all very good news, the calcifications or enhancement that was left was in a branch like pattern and not a mass or clump which makes him think that what is left is DCIS, I was so happy to hear that, also the original area was almost 9cms and it was now down to 3cms. He said I had significant response to chemo and the fact that my cancer responded so well was good, it means that it is chemo sensitive. I asked if this was good news and he said it was very good news and the results on the MRI are what he was hoping for, since I am having the double mastectomy the surgery will take care of anything that is left, I am not scheduled until September 16, so I asked if that was too long out, what if the cancer started growing again. He reassured me that the Herceptin, one drug I have been on since the first chemo and will continue until April 2012, will prevent that from happening. I was very happy and he actually used the word "cure" for the first time. I went back to work finally feeling like I have this, I will be OK. Also, as of what they can see no lymph nodes were involved which is great because that means no radiation!!! Surgery will truly signify the end of this nightmare, even though I am scared to death of the operation I am also excited to get this over with.
I have been starting to try and get my life back. I returned to work yesterday, Monday, and I am loving it. I missed those girls, it was hard on Monday for me, I texted Ryan once and told him I couldn't do it, I saw a girl with a similar diagnosis and her outcome has not been a good one. Working in the cancer center has absolutely made somethings harder, Ryan just reassured me that every single case is different, every person is different, I can't do that to myself. He is right, I quickly snapped out of it and told myself I am a survivor and this is not going to take anymore from me, it is now time to start taking from it and get my life back.
Ryan and I went to meet with my doc and he said the final results were not back yet but he spoke with the radiologist and the two masses that were cancer were gone, AWESOME, the area of thickening or enhancement had shrunk, it did not completely go away but I knew it would not because some of it was DCIS, and chemo does not touch DCIS. He said the results so far were positive and when I came back to work on Monday we would go over the final report, which would have measurements. So when I got my final results I was nervous, Ryan wasn't with me because I was back at work so Baker went with me and Jodie, my docs nurse, stayed in the room also. He said it was all very good news, the calcifications or enhancement that was left was in a branch like pattern and not a mass or clump which makes him think that what is left is DCIS, I was so happy to hear that, also the original area was almost 9cms and it was now down to 3cms. He said I had significant response to chemo and the fact that my cancer responded so well was good, it means that it is chemo sensitive. I asked if this was good news and he said it was very good news and the results on the MRI are what he was hoping for, since I am having the double mastectomy the surgery will take care of anything that is left, I am not scheduled until September 16, so I asked if that was too long out, what if the cancer started growing again. He reassured me that the Herceptin, one drug I have been on since the first chemo and will continue until April 2012, will prevent that from happening. I was very happy and he actually used the word "cure" for the first time. I went back to work finally feeling like I have this, I will be OK. Also, as of what they can see no lymph nodes were involved which is great because that means no radiation!!! Surgery will truly signify the end of this nightmare, even though I am scared to death of the operation I am also excited to get this over with.
I have been starting to try and get my life back. I returned to work yesterday, Monday, and I am loving it. I missed those girls, it was hard on Monday for me, I texted Ryan once and told him I couldn't do it, I saw a girl with a similar diagnosis and her outcome has not been a good one. Working in the cancer center has absolutely made somethings harder, Ryan just reassured me that every single case is different, every person is different, I can't do that to myself. He is right, I quickly snapped out of it and told myself I am a survivor and this is not going to take anymore from me, it is now time to start taking from it and get my life back.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Chemo is complete, surgery is scheduled and my MRI is tomorrow
FINALLY! On July 27, 2011 I went into the Graham to have my platelet levels checked for the 5th time, they came back at 94 and my doc said it was fine to get my last chemo. I was ready to put this phase behind me and get moving onto the next. Now, because there was no way to determine when I would be able to get chemo I did not get my pre-medicated steroids, so of course I was nervous about this. While I sat in my chemo "suite" waiting for the pharmacy to mix up my meds, my co-workers Kelly and Ginger came in and made me stand up and close my eyes, not going to lie I was a little nervous. When I was allowed to open my eyes they decorated my suite with streamers that resembled fireworks and had a shirt, backpack, glow sticks, a framed saying, and other goodies. All of my co-workers have shown me how much they care during all this, each round they would take turns coming in and checking on me or sitting there and chatting with me. I really am extremely lucky when it comes to those girls, everyone at my work has gone above and beyond anything I could ever have expected. My dad and mom bought pizza for the entire office as a way to say thank you for everything. I was ok with this treatment, I think because I knew it was the last time I was getting it, time went by like usual, Ryan, Wendy, my mom, and myself played Uno for a bit and after awhile I just sat back and watched. When it was all over I got so many hugs and congratulations from people, it was an emotional ending but a great one. There is no words to describe how it feels to know that I will not be putting that poison back into my body. The recovery from this final round of chemo has been very good too, the only major side effect I have had is the yucky mouth issues. I don't even care about the mouth issues though because I AM DONE CHEMO!!!
I met with my breast surgeon the day after chemo (last Thursday) and he was very pleased with the exam he did, he told me if he had examined me for the first time on that day he would say that everything was normal and I had nothing to worry about. That made me extremely happy to hear. After getting dressed we went into his office to discuss surgery, I got very sick to my stomach at this point. I have never had surgery before, I am not thrilled that my first experience is going to be a major surgery. The first thing he did when we got into his office was apologize again for the whole collapsed lung nightmare. I told him it was done and over with no need to apologize, even though I am still a little angry about it I figured he is performing major surgery on me I need to suck up. He pulled up a CT scan of my chest on his computer and said he had my thoracic surgeon, the guy who gave me the chest tube, look over my scan because he still could not figure out how he hit my lung. Apparently, the main vein in your neck area that runs down to the main artery in your heart, where my port is placed, is supposed to be in one place and of course mine is not in the proper location. He said my vein actually runs right along side my lung and there is usually space in between the vein and lung but not on me. Basically what that means is when he put the "finder" needle into my vein before the catheter because it runs right along my lung a little hole was made. After we discussed this we jumped right into lumpectomy vs mastectomy surgery. He told me breast conserving surgery, lumpectomy is what the surgeons are told to try and do on breast cancer patients that are young, he said he knows that I want a double mastectomy and he will be more than happy to perform that. I told him I was interested in getting more information on the lumpectomy and he said if it was his wife he would go for the mastectomy. OK, now I am back at square one. He looked over more of my old scans and said he really doesn't think I am going to need radiation after surgery. He does not believe any of my lymph nodes involved but will only be able to determine that during surgery. If I opt for a lumpectomy he told me to be prepared for possibly needing more than 1 surgery, depending on what he finds during the first surgery. I told him I was going to go for the mastectomy, he recommended a right side mastectomy with immediate reconstruction (when he said that it felt like Christmas), and a reduction on the left side. I asked him how immediate reconstruction works and he explained that a plastic surgeon will be in the OR as well and as soon my breast surgeon is done with his part of the surgery the plastic surgeon takes over and "reconstructs" me. I said "ok, so I will wake up with boobs" he said yes. That has been the hardest part of thinking about the surgery, how do you wake up from that with nothing on your chest? I still don't have details about the implants yet, I meet with my plastic surgeon on Aug. 25 to go over everything. I am more nervous about the surgery than I was of chemo. I have a little break until surgery, it is scheduled for Sept. 16 at 12:00pm. UGH.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00am I will go and get my post chemo MRI, mammogram, and ultrasound. I am VERY nervous about the results of these tests. Everything can change after tomorrow if the tests don't show what we are hoping for. I was told by my oncologist to be prepared that the MRI probably will not show complete response to chemo (meaning the cancer is gone), all they are looking for is to see that the tumor has shrunk. Fingers crossed we get the best news tomorrow.
I met with my breast surgeon the day after chemo (last Thursday) and he was very pleased with the exam he did, he told me if he had examined me for the first time on that day he would say that everything was normal and I had nothing to worry about. That made me extremely happy to hear. After getting dressed we went into his office to discuss surgery, I got very sick to my stomach at this point. I have never had surgery before, I am not thrilled that my first experience is going to be a major surgery. The first thing he did when we got into his office was apologize again for the whole collapsed lung nightmare. I told him it was done and over with no need to apologize, even though I am still a little angry about it I figured he is performing major surgery on me I need to suck up. He pulled up a CT scan of my chest on his computer and said he had my thoracic surgeon, the guy who gave me the chest tube, look over my scan because he still could not figure out how he hit my lung. Apparently, the main vein in your neck area that runs down to the main artery in your heart, where my port is placed, is supposed to be in one place and of course mine is not in the proper location. He said my vein actually runs right along side my lung and there is usually space in between the vein and lung but not on me. Basically what that means is when he put the "finder" needle into my vein before the catheter because it runs right along my lung a little hole was made. After we discussed this we jumped right into lumpectomy vs mastectomy surgery. He told me breast conserving surgery, lumpectomy is what the surgeons are told to try and do on breast cancer patients that are young, he said he knows that I want a double mastectomy and he will be more than happy to perform that. I told him I was interested in getting more information on the lumpectomy and he said if it was his wife he would go for the mastectomy. OK, now I am back at square one. He looked over more of my old scans and said he really doesn't think I am going to need radiation after surgery. He does not believe any of my lymph nodes involved but will only be able to determine that during surgery. If I opt for a lumpectomy he told me to be prepared for possibly needing more than 1 surgery, depending on what he finds during the first surgery. I told him I was going to go for the mastectomy, he recommended a right side mastectomy with immediate reconstruction (when he said that it felt like Christmas), and a reduction on the left side. I asked him how immediate reconstruction works and he explained that a plastic surgeon will be in the OR as well and as soon my breast surgeon is done with his part of the surgery the plastic surgeon takes over and "reconstructs" me. I said "ok, so I will wake up with boobs" he said yes. That has been the hardest part of thinking about the surgery, how do you wake up from that with nothing on your chest? I still don't have details about the implants yet, I meet with my plastic surgeon on Aug. 25 to go over everything. I am more nervous about the surgery than I was of chemo. I have a little break until surgery, it is scheduled for Sept. 16 at 12:00pm. UGH.
Tomorrow morning at 9:00am I will go and get my post chemo MRI, mammogram, and ultrasound. I am VERY nervous about the results of these tests. Everything can change after tomorrow if the tests don't show what we are hoping for. I was told by my oncologist to be prepared that the MRI probably will not show complete response to chemo (meaning the cancer is gone), all they are looking for is to see that the tumor has shrunk. Fingers crossed we get the best news tomorrow.
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