The future is a funny thing

Today I had another follow up with my absolute favorite person, Dr. Pahnke!Today he said something to me that really got me thinking about the beginning of my journey, pre-blog. The things I never wrote down. Today he took me in his office looked me in my eyes and said "I am VERY proud of you, I honestly didn't think you were going to be able to do this", he told me that the girl who sat in his office 4 times in March and the girl sitting there now were completely different. We chatted about how after I was given my final diagnosis and knew what I needed to do that the girl that had complete fear in her eyes turned into a fighter, that that look became I will beat this. Going into his office always makes me nervous, like sick to my stomach nervous. Every time I sit in the exam room and wait for him my thoughts go back to that afternoon when Ryan and I were sitting in there and he told us it was nothing to worry about and then 2 hours later sitting in there with my good friend Stephanie and being told I had cancer. I can still remember the way that office smelled that day, how the weather was, I remember what I was wearing, what Ryan was wearing, what color work shirt Steph had on but when it comes to remembering him saying "this is cancer", I draw a blank. I remember sitting in his office and staring at Steph, I remember saying "I am going to die", I remember him looking and talking directly to Steph. I just sat there and could only think of Gabby and Cole. I knew I needed Ryan and I couldn't remember how to use my phone, so I texted him. I simply wrote "I have cancer". That had to be an odd text to look down and see from your wife. Ryan kept calling my phone but I couldn't answer it, I couldn't feel my hands, my brain couldn't make the connection to hit the "answer" button on my phone. I just sat there and stared into space. It wasn't until Stephanie, Dr. Pahnke and I were walking out of his office that I came around the corner and saw Ryan walking down the hall. He put his arms me and it all hit me at once. I completely lost it. I kept saying "I don't want to die, I am going to die, why is this happening to me". Ryan asked Dr. Pahnke if he could talk with him about everything and he said absolutely. As Ryan headed back into his office I went upstairs to talk to my now oncologist. Dr. Pahnke stayed until well after 7pm to talk to Ryan, obviously we have a little girl and we needed to know what me being diagnosed at 31 meant for Gabrielle. Everything from here until the day I "announced" I had cancer was just one long day. His office moved quick, the very next morning I had an MRI, then my office worked even quicker, I then had a PET Scan (which is the worst test ever!), CAT Scan, another ultrasound, a biopsy, and a date to start chemo all within 1 week. I can honestly say that I don't believe you could pay me to ever get another PET Scan. I am not sure what is worse, being stuck in a "radioactive" suite all alone for an hour or laying in a tube not able to move for an hour. I did freak out during the PET Scan and the nurse had to come in and calm me down. After the test was over they told me to just lay there for a minute and they would go get Ryan. Its a bizarre feeling to think back to all those emotions, it honestly almost feels like it was all a dream. I guess that is part of the healing process.

It is also a weird feeling to think about the future again. After everything was happening to me I stopped thinking about anything beyond the day that I was living in, if I found myself thinking about the kids birthdays or Christmas I would suddenly feel sad and empty, almost like my mind was telling me that I may not be here for those things. I have finally allowed myself to think about the future and to get excited about things that are coming up. I can't wait to celebrate my one year cancer free in September, my kids 6th and 5th birthdays in October, to celebrate 9 years of marriage with Ryan in November, to meet my little Lukie Luke in January (one of my very best friends babies, she thinks he is hers). It feels so good and normal to have things to look forward to and be keeping my mind occupied.

I seem to have gotten off topic, I tend to do that a lot. My appointment today went great, still cancer free :) As I was leaving Dr. Pahnkes office today he said "go give em hell girl, you deserve this life". He is 100% right, I do deserve this life!