Pink-tober

Seeing how this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and I am aware. I figured now would be as good time as any to write a new blog. There are a few other "breast cancer" blogs that I follow, I have been reading them quite a bit latley and they seemed to have switched from a cancer blog to blogs about their kids, blogs about their jobs, blogs about what groceries they bought at the store that day. My blog is strictly about cancer and what struggles I faced and what struggles I still face. It may seem like my posts are all over the place, one month I am super happy and confident and the next I am nervous and really thinking about cancer. That is the point for me. This is my story about how cancer affected me and still affects me. This is also a blog that was started for Gabrielle and Cole, so that one day in the future when we no longer think about cancer and when everything is back to normal they can see exactly what happened, how long it took to be complete again. Also, if just one person discovers this site and reads it and they are helped with going through their own battle, or they see that I still struggle at times and it makes them feel better, thats all I wanted.

First a little update on myself. Still in remission! September 16th marked one year since I heard the words "cancer free", as time continues to move on I become more and more confident that cancer and I will never cross paths again. That doesn't mean that I don't think about it still or that I don't get scared, it just means that I am starting to finally feel like I will be here to see Gabby and Cole get married one day. Every breast cancer survivor out there has different feelings on moving on and different ways of coping with what happened to them. For me, after I was diagnosed I wanted to get the most aggressive treatment possible. I have put myself through hell and back, I made the decision to have my body forever altered, I choose a bilateral mastectomy. Those are the choices that I knew, in the long run, would give me the most peace of mind. Those choices also are what have held me back from emotionally healing. I honestly think family and friends look at me now and they see Amy again. They see the curly haired mother, wife, friend, daughter, that they have known, they have moved on. They have healed, in a way they have put it behind them and life goes on. I totally understand this. What I think people may forget is just because on the outside I look like Amy again, under the surface, I will never be that Amy again. Sometimes I feel like people may not fully get it, I know some people have said "its behind you now move on", "stop thinking about what you went throught". People can have a conversation with me, spend hours with me and the road I traveled may never cross their minds, people that are just meeting me would never know what I went through just a year ago. I think as time moves on people may forget (out of sight out of mind) but when I get up every morning and I look at myself in the mirror, I can never forget. I don't look in the mirror and see a 32 year old mother of two, I look in the mirror and see a person who is "altered". I used to try to avoid seeing my chest without anything on it, I used to be ashamed that I have boobs that don't belong to me, I hated to even think about what was in my chest now, I was embarrased of the 12 scars that now go across my chest. But those scars tell a story, they show that I may have gotten knocked down but I got right back up.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to pity me or give me special treatment because I am fine, I just honestly sometimes feel like people want you to think they care but deep down maybe they feel obligated to care. I guess what my point is, is I am really tired of hearing people say things like "oh your fine now", "stop thinking about it cause you are here", I guess I agree to a certain extent. I am VERY grateful to be able to be in remission, I am grateful for each new day I get. You can't expect me to move on completley after just 1 year when something that is a part of your womanhood and something that I knew I could flaunt before are now gone. I will never have the chest I was born with again, I will never be able to look at my chest and not be reminded of what cancer took from me. Yes, I survived breast cancer, but once the dust settles and you can see and think clearly again, its easy to get angry and frustrated at the fact that I am not that girl who was born on January 2, 1980. When I woke up from surgery on Spetember 16, 2011 and I had a 2 flat areas where D's once sat, I knew at that moment this part was going to be harder then all the treatments.

I am still learning from what I went through, I am still adapting to life again. Sure, it has been 1 year since chemo ( and I am completley over that ) but the physical changes to my body, I am not sure I can ever adjust to. I guess now is the time to say remember this happens to 1 in 8 women. This disease doesn't care about age, it dosen't care about what your plans are. Please know how important self exams, doctor exams, and mammograms are. If you think that something is off have it checked right away. If I would have waited this would have been a very different blog.