When you feel helpless...

As anyone who reads this blog knows that I am the proud mommy of two amazing children. My son, Cole, just turned 5 and my daughter, Gabrielle, just turned 6. They were 3 and 4 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Having worked in a cancer center all their lives they already knew what cancer was and how sick it made people. My husband and I have always been very honest with them, we never wanted to feel like we were lying to them, we wanted them to be a part of what was happening and we wanted them to be just as educated on this disease as we were. We told them as soon as I got home from the doctor that I had cancer. It wasn't like a scene out of the movies where the parents keep it to themselves and try and sugar coat everything, it wasn't overly dramatic either. I didn't cry (I think I was still numb myself), I actually don't remember telling them. I know that we told them that night and I do remember that I was trying to put on a brave face for them. I remember them just saying "ok" and going on with their night. I also remember that for the first couple weeks after I was diagnosed Ryan and I would sleep in the living room, I actually slept on my couch for 7 months. I would not sleep at night, I would wait until everyone was asleep and I would sit in the dark and just cry. I would close my eyes to try and sleep but every time I did that I would just end up yelling at God in my mind. A year and a half later and I still can't watch The Nanny on Nick at Night. That show seemed to always be on when I was having a breakdown. As we got more and more information about my cancer and what needed to be done we would tell Gabby and Cole as soon as we found out. Cole, I am not sure if it was because he was 3 or because he is a boy, but he would just say ok or cool. He was very compassionate through it all though. He would spend many hours just sitting with me on the couch or giving me his blankies to hold when I was sad. He also seems to have been able to move past everything and his little life is normal again and he still the same funny, loving Cole that he has always been. Gabrielle, she is a different story, she actually breaks my heart.

Gabrielle is one of the most caring, compassionate, intelligent (sometimes we think she is too intelligent) little girl I have ever seen. She is also her father, she keeps everything to herself, she doesn't like to make people upset, she doesn't like for people to see her upset. When she is sick she won't tell you, when she is scared she won't tell  you, when she feels like she has done something wrong or if she can't fix something she gets upset. I never thought in a million years that 1 and a half years later Gabby would still be secretly dealing with how cancer affected her. Before I was diagnosed Gabby was pretty independent, she would sleep in her own bed, she would do things by herself, she would have play dates with her cousins, she would sit on the floor and watch tv or in the chair. Now, she has never liked to spend the night away from home but she never minded going somewhere for the day. Lately we noticed a big change in her, something that just wasn't Gabby. Gabby loves school and she suddenly refuses to go, she cries and says her tummy hurts and she needs to stay home, every night she asks me about 20 times if she can sleep in my bed with me or if I can sleep in her bed with her,when she does go to bed she just lays there and cries, when we are home together wherever I am, she is right there. When I am watching tv she is literally sitting on one of my legs. If I go to the store she wants to go with me. Every morning when I get up at 6:20 to get in the shower she is right there sitting in the bathroom, she follows me downstairs, she walks me to the door every morning. I wish I could stick my text thread from Ryan on here, every morning when I am driving to work I get at least 5 text messages and they always say the same thing, "I love you mommy from Gabby". I will admit that at times all these just constantly being next to me all the time have frustrated me and I have told her to please walk away, give me some space. Well, in the past week things have gone from bad to worse. Our dog got really sick, thank god we were able to put him on some meds and see how it goes, ever since that day Gabby won't go to school. She cries and refuses. I know she cries at school and gets upset because according to her "i miss my mommy", Ryan and I have always just figured that since we don't sit around and talk about cancer anymore because it is not an active part of our lives that everyone was ok. The other night, after her being home for 8 straight days, I got frustrated. I sat Gabrielle down and I told her that this was unacceptable, there was plenty of times that I didn't want to go to work but I had to go. There were many times I wanted to stay up late but I knew I had to go to bed early. I told her I didn't know what was going on with her and she needed to talk to me and tell me what was going on because mommy can't fix it if I don't know. Well, needless to say she lost it. What she told me felt like a bigger punch in the stomach then hearing "you have cancer". I picked her up and said "Gabby, what is going on? Did something happen at school?" in between sobs she said "no, I am scared because you had cancer", I reassured her that mommy was better now and that the cancer is gone, no reason to be sad. She kept going, she told me that when I was sick she was very scared I was going to go to heaven but she didn't want to make me more sad, she said she gets scared that if she is at school and the cancer comes back she doesn't know what will happen, she said that when she can see me and she knows that I am ok that makes her ok. The absolute worst part was when my 6 year old looked me in the eyes and said "I am sad that I couldn't fix you". Ugh, talk about losing it. I realized that at that point Gabby needs to talk to someone and finally get out everything that she is feeling.

All of this is just one more reason on the ever growing list to HATE cancer. I feel so hopeless because I can't help her. I can't make this all better. She is way to little to carry around this much sadness. Gabby has a very special gift and I know in my heart that all of this is going to make her become something amazing in life. I feel like she is going to grow up and be a doctor. Baby girl, I love you more then you will ever know and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. If I could make all this go away I would.