My feelings

This time of year, October-January, has always been my favorite. I love Halloween, my kids birthdays, Thanksgiving, picking out our Christmas tree, Christmas shopping, Christmas, saying goodbye to another year lived and welcoming a new year (with my birthday). For some reason I am finding this time of year to be difficult this year. Last year I had so much to be thankful for, I made it through 4 months of chemotherapy, major surgery, a hospital stay, and radiation. I was thankful to be cancer free and to be alive and healthy. I am still thankful for those things, I am just finding it very very hard to be motivated to get anything done, I almost feel like I need time to slow down. I need time to wrap my head around certain aspects of my life, I need time to think about the things that I am fearing the most right now.

Being healthy. Am I a picture of health? No. Am I still cancer free? I hope so. The thing is, I haven't been feeling right lately but out of complete fear of what I went through, fearing hearing the word "recurrence", and of course fearing not being here to see Gabby and Cole grow up are something I can't deal with. I have literally been living off Xanax for the past month. I know I should talk to my oncologist about certain things but I can't. After what we just went through (and are still going through) with Gabby, I wouldn't be able to handle if something shows up on a scan. I don't want to think about the possibility of something coming back but when you wake up with headaches, feel tired all the time, can't remember anything to save your life, and feel short of breath for no reason it scares the hell out of you. I have gotten pretty good at keeping all my fears  and "symptoms" to myself. These are things that I haven't even told Ryan about. I think I do this because I honestly don't know what I would do. I can't think about 2011 without having a complete breakdown. I can't think about ever sitting in that chemo chair again, I don't know how I did it the first time around. We also just went to a funeral for Ryan's uncle, who passed away from cancer, that was harder then I thought. Sitting there in the church and seeing his coffin and hearing what the preacher was saying, in my mind I was picturing it being me. Picturing my kids sitting there saying goodbye, imaging Ryan's life with someone else. I know that is twisted. In my heart I feel like I am ok ( at least I pray every night that I am).

Family. I know family business is personal and should be kept in the family. This is my blog and I can write my feelings about anything. This holiday season, I know it just started, is going to be a difficult one. I don't talk to my sister anymore, I don't see my nephew or niece anymore. I honestly never thought that when my journey with cancer was over that I would have lost more then just my hair, boobs, and security of a future. I never thought that I would be "picking up the pieces" of my life and moving on without the one person who was always there. I never thought this is how it was going to be. When it comes to actual family I only have the 3 people that live in my house and my parents. Ryan, my kids, and my parents are the only family that I really have. I know how important family is, I know that Ryan and I would not have survived 2011 and most of 2012, financially, without my parents. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do.

I know today is Thanksgiving and we are all supposed to be happy and enjoying the day with our families.  I am happy, I am enjoying the day with my kids and husband (when he gets home from football of course), I just needed to get those things off my chest.