The truth about the road to recovery

Today I had an appointment with the therapist here at the cancer center. I had seen him while I was going through treatments because lets be honest, I was a mess. He helped me tremendously. He helped me deal with the reality of what I was facing for myself and my kids. The last time I saw him was right before surgery in September of last year. I have been doing very well, or so I thought, since then so there was no need to see him. On Wednesday I had a complete breakdown in my oncologists office, kind of awkward since I work with him too. I told him, ok my friend Maria told him, I was not ok. I was angry, I was telling everyone that I was fine. I was putting on a smile and being the positive person I am supposed to be. He suggested that I go and speak with the therapist again, I was dealing with things that no one could understand and I didn't want people to judge me or think I was ungrateful for this second chance I was given. So, I have learned how to keep most things to myself and constantly say I am fine. It eventually became too much to keep in and it all came flooding out.

I can say that today's appointment was probably one of the best appointments I have had. The things that he was saying to me actually made sense. For the first time I felt like someone truly understood what was going on inside my mind, I felt like someone was being honest and not just sugar coating everything. He asked me about my anger, I told him I was angry. I was angry this happened, I was angry Gabrielle was having a hard time, I was angry that no one understood, and I was angry that I haven't emotionally/mentally "healed" yet. He asked me how I was while at work, I told him oddly enough I am fine. He repeated himself and told me to now answer him honestly. Well, he asked for it. I was not ok at work, actually in the one place where everyone should understand, I feel like no one understands. I feel like for the 6 hours a day that I am there I have to be happy, I have to be positive, I have to say life is great. I feel like I have to do these things for the other cancer patients, I feel like I have to be the poster child for cancer survivors around my co-workers,when in all honesty I want to tell them how much this sucks, how hard it is to move on. He moved forward in his chair, looked right at me and said "I am about to blow your mind with something", not gonna lie I was a little nervous. He said all the posters, pamphlets, motivational speakers, everything that society has put on cancer survivors is complete bullshit. You are expected to be positive at all times, you are expected to always say how grateful you are, you are expected to end chemo/surgery/radiation and instantly transition back into "normal" life again, you are expected to be everything but honest. He was right.

Once you are diagnosed with cancer everyone tells you the same thing. You are strong. You can do this. It's no fun but it's doable. Time will fly by. All these things are truthful but what people leave out is how the road to recovery is more difficult then actually getting the chemo, then actually having surgery. I can't explain it fully unless you have been there. When you are going through chemotherapy you sit in a chair with an IV hooked up to you while toxins are entering your body, those toxins are doing a service to you, no matter how much they suck. When you are getting radiation, again it is doing something positive for you in the long run, even though you get radiation burns. Same thing goes for surgery, its serving a purpose. Once its all over and in my case you had a bilateral mastectomy looking at yourself is a reminder everyday, that will never get easier. I can't not go a day without thinking about it because I have to take my shirt off. Sure I have implants so no one would ever know but I can see the twelve scars. I live everyday in fear that it will come back. Any cancer patient who says they don't just doesn't want to admit to it. I was told that I have an 83% chance of living ten years disease free. Statistically looking at that, I have pretty good odds. The thing is I see the 17% percent. Why would I be in the 83% when I was in the minority to begin with. It was rare for this to happen to me but it did. So in my mind the odds are already stacked against me. Today my therapist told me that I will not ever be that other person again, I will always be the cancer patient and that is not a bad thing. It is the way society has placed a certain image that cancer survivors are supposed to live by. And he was right. I have spoken to other breast cancer patients, I have been there for others while they got chemo, I have tried to tell them all is going to be ok, and it turns out I was just doing to them what everyone has done to me.

Truth be told. This sucks! The road to recovery IS harder then the actual fight. You can't just put it behind you and move on because this will be a part of you forever (how you choose to deal is a personal decision for everyone). Living every day like its the last day you are going to be in remission is a great way to live, it shouldn't have happened in the first place but it did, it's ok to NEVER accept that it was you. It is ok to cry for no reason or cry and not have to make up an excuse. It is ok to have days were you just want to talk about what happened to you, it is ok to accept help and love from others no matter how many months/years you are out for treatment. Most importantly it is ok to not feel like you have it all under control at all times because like my therapist told me today, I dare one person to look me in the eye and tell me I am weak. I dare one person to tell me I don't have the right to still have these feelings. I dare one person to judge me. I am the one that sat in a chair getting chemo, I am the one that had both breasts removed, I am the one who has been radiated. I am the one who literally went to hell and back. I am the one who decides when I am healed, not society.