Closing a book and writing a new one...

"It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become" -Dr.Seuss. For me, this blog has served as a therapist. A place where I could let my thoughts, my emotions, my fears, my anger, flow without being judged. A place where I would document every detail no matter how graphic, every thought no matter how unimportant it seemed to others. A place where I could write a story. A story about heartache, fear, loneliness, uncertainty. A story about me. A story that I am happy to say finally has an ending. This year will be the 3 year mark for me! I honestly can't believe it has been 3 years since this journey began. I can say with complete honesty now, I was certain in 2011 it was the end for me. I had no idea how strong my body was, how strong my will to live was. I had no idea what a blessing this would turn out to be. I sat a few nights ago and re-read my entire blog (I had it printed out into books for Gabby and Cole). I cried from the first post to the last! Reading it now, being in a completely different state of mind, I actually scared myself a little. I can see the growth I have made over the years. I am happy with how my life has turned out. I have decided it is time to close this book, put it away on a shelf. I did what I set out to do in 2011. I survived. I faced every single fear I have ever had. I have stared death in the face and am no longer scared of it. I have had to let go of things, place my life in the hands of doctors and just believe that some day I would wake up from this nightmare. It was a long journey and like all journeys there were bumps in the road and set backs. There were times when I thought "I can't do this", times when I wanted to throw the towel in. There were many months were I never thought I would be me again. I never would be able to look at my chest and be ok with it. I would never be able to put cancer behind me and move forward. I thought this journey would last forever. I know now how lucky I am, how much worse it all could have been. I may not have the same chest I did 3 years ago, I may not have the same hair I used to. I may be 30 pounds heavier then when this started, but the things I am walking away with, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have a deeper appreciation for life, I have a desire and drive to see and explore what this world (not if you need a plane to get there) has to offer. I understand how precious our time is. I learned to trust people, to trust myself. I learned to accept things as they happen because I have no control of them. I learned things will work themselves out. The biggest and best thing I am walking away from this journey with is the feeling that I have made a difference. I talk to A LOT of breast cancer patients a day and when they tell me they got a port because of me, or they agreed to chemo after talking to me, or I am the reason they made it through treatments, I can't describe that feeling. That second of feeling like I was the reason someone felt hope, that feeling made every second, every tear, every pain worth it. Closing this book was a tough desicion for me. I have enjoyed writing this (maybe I will start a blog about "Bad Puppy"), I have enjoyed going back and seeing what really happened. Even though this blog means a lot to me, making memories with my family and friends means more. Thank to you everyone who has taken time to read my posts, pass my blog along, leave comments, etc.. I am so happy to say that Amy Lynn's Journey is over and it had the best possible outcome. This book may be closing but the big book, the book of the rest of my life is just starting and I am going to write the best possible story...