Anyone who knows me (or has read my blog) knows this blog is my catharsis. Whenever I am feeling anxious, sad, mad, scared, anything that relates back to my diagnosis, I open my computer, tune the world out and let the words and thoughts flow. This entry is no different. My posts have gotten very few and far between, which is good. I know I "ended" my blog last year, but for me, I cannot walk away from it. It's the one place I don't feel judged, the one place I feel like I can be as open and honest as possible, also it's a lot cheaper than sitting on a couch in an office pretending like I am letting everything out.
Any person who has ever heard the words "you have cancer" or have heard those words spoken to a loved one, understands what an emotional journey this is. A journey that, unfortunately, doesn't stop after the treatments stop. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and happy that in 4 months I hit the 5 year mark. I know the significance of that milestone in the medical world, I also know the reality, it's just a number. I secretly struggle just about everyday still with the anxiety of having been diagnosed at 31. Maybe it is because I was diagnosed with Stage III cancer and well there is only one more "stage" beyond that. Maybe it is because I am an anxious person to begin with and this certainly doesn't help an anxious mind heal. Maybe it is because I have worked in Oncology for 10 years and I feel a thousand different emotions and see every possible outcome on a daily basis. Maybe it is just the plain fact that once you have walked in these shoes, the fear never goes away. Or quite possibly it is just because I have an appointment with my oncologist this week and I feel like my luck is running out. I think a person who is diagnosed with early stage cancer and a person who is diagnosed with locally advanced cancer handle anxiety differently (as it would be different for a person with metastatic cancer). I did read an interesting article (that sparked my thoughts on this subject) about how the anxiety of having had cancer increases as the years go on, instead of decreasing like your chances of recurrence do. I also get more anxious around my appointments, I am still seen every 3 months by either my surgeon or my oncologist, I try to not get worked up about these appointments, however I think in my mind I am waiting for that one appointment where I hear that word "recurrence". I fully understand how low my chances are of cancer returning at this point, but that doesn't really ease my mind. I guess, like I said earlier, I feel like at some point my luck is going to run out. All of these increased anxious thoughts and feelings could also be related to early menopause. Thanks chemo!!!
A lot of people have been asking me when my surgery date for the hysterectomy I decided on is. Turns out, after an appointment with my GYN over the summer and some additional soul searching, I decided against the surgery. Well, apparently I may have made the right choice. I was informed having gotten chemotherapy at a young age puts you at an increased risk for going into menopause early (my body did go through a temporary menopause while I was receiving chemo. That was a fun summer). I have been experiencing quite a few symptoms that I just chalked up to Tamoxifen (it is a tricky little pill) or just my anxiety problem. However, after talking to my doc, turns out some blood work is needed as these symptoms are also indicators of early menopause. I mean hey, why not at this point. I have mixed feelings on this. I also was told Tamoxifen can put you in a menopause like state as well. So there's that too.
I have done some research (my absolute favorite thing) on cancer survivors who had the same diagnosis and treatments that I had, turns out an increased anxiety level a few months before that milestone 5 year mark is the norm. I can justify it in my mind, the day you get your cancer treatment plan in place nothing is looked at past 5 years (at least not 5 years ago, cancer treatments have changed, things may be different now. Tamoxifen is now 10 years instead of 5). I just had my binder of my medical records out the other day and read my first cancer patient office note. It stated if I had no treatment what so ever I had a 65% chance of NOT surviving 5 years. With the adjuvant chemotherapy, radiation, mastectomy and Tamoxifen route I took, I had a 75% chance of being alive and disease free at 5 years. 75% is wonderful and those are odds that I am more than happy to have, but that 25% still lingers in my head. Especially when 5 years is in 4 months. I get no one is promised tomorrow, I think I just struggle with the statistics. In my research, I also read that even though the fear or uncertainty will not fully go away, once you get past the milestone year, the anxiety level starts going down. I really hope there is truth to that, not sure I am going to make it to March with this level of anxiety.
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