Thursday, June 30, 2011
So frustrated
Today was supposed to be round 5 of 6 chemotherapies for me. I was scheduled for my normal time of 12:00, well at 9:30 I got a call from the office stating that my platelet counts are too low for me to recieve chemo today. GREAT! We will try again next week. I don't want this to drag out, I don't want to try again next week, I want to get round 5 today and be one step closer to the end. I was just at work yesterday talking to my boss about a return date to work and getting things in order to start my life again and BAM cancer has a differnt plan. Why can't things just go smoothly, I am already dealing with more than I can handle and now I am going to sit around and worry about my low counts, and about not achieveing optimal results from the chemo because everything is being delayed a week. My last chemo was supposed to be on July 21, now it is on July 28 (if my counts are normal). July 30th is my niece's birthday, I don't want to be sick for her birthday, I wanted to be done everything and be on the road to recover by her b-day, not laying on my couch crying because of how horrible I feel, I really want to scream and punch something. I don't want everything delayed a week, my surgery has to be one month after chemo so I am now looking at September. I know one week may not seem like a big deal but for me it is huge. I am soooo over all of this. Not to mention I took 4 steroids yesterday in prep for today so I get to enjoy all the lovely side effects of them for no good reason. In time I will calm down a bit and realize that its ok, fourth of July has always been one of my favorite holidays and fireworks hold a special meaning to me, it was during the grand finale of the fireworks at the Inner Harbor that Ryan asked me to marry him. So, I guess on the bright side I won't be sick for fireworks this year.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Life lessons I have learned
It has been 3 months since I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, I have completed 4 rounds of Taxotere/Carbolpatin/Herceptin ( also known as TCH), I have had 1 MRI, 2 ultrasounds, 1 mammogram, 1 PET scan, 1 CT scan, 1 Stereotactic biopsy, 1 port placement, 1 collapsed lung, 1 chest tube, 13 chest X-rays, and 1 week long hospital stay. It seems like my body has been through enough already. Despite having all these tests and medications pumped into me the most important thing is each day I am getting one step closer to being cancer free. Cancer has always been a part of my life, being that I have worked in the cancer center for 6 years. I have always admired the strength and determination that our patients show, I have sat at my desk a million times and have had conversations with my co-workers about what we would do if we were diagnosed and how we would not have the strength that our patients show. I am still in shock that on March 24 I was sitting at my desk like any other day and in a matter of 5 mins my world was flipped upside down. I hate everything that cancer brings into my life, I hate the chemo treatments, I will be just as scared to get the last 2 as was for the first one, I hate the side effects from the chemo, I hate the emotional mess that I am, I hate the unknown, I hate the fact my hair is gone, I hate just about everything that is happening to me right now except one thing. Cancer has taught me a lot about myself, a lot about the person I want to be, a lot about the person I was. Cancer has been the hardest and the biggest life lesson I think I will ever learn.
Before all this happened I was the girl that was not very friendly, I had a small group of friends and I did not want anymore. I was the girl who would give dirty looks like they were smiles, I did not care if I hurt your feelings, I had to have the best of everything, and everything was my way or no way. I was also the girl that was so full of anxiety that I was not enjoying my life, that was taking away from not only me but my family as well. I can honestly say that I was not happy, I looked for reasons to argue with people, including Ryan. I was so frustrated with myself for allowing anxiety to overtake me that if I could argue with someone and get all my frustration out I felt better for a few hours. We have cancelled so many vacations, left vacations early, sat around and wasted the days away due to my anxiety. I have learned that life is so short and so good, who cares if you don't have the best of things, material things can not make you happy, they can not bring joy to your life. Sure they can make you feel good about yourself but a Coach bag, or a pair of $200 shoes don't give the joy and happiness that drawing on the sidewalk with your kids can. I want to see everything the world has to offer, I want to travel, I want my kids to see what is out there, I want to stop obsessing over things I can not control and go with the flow. Personally for me though, the biggest thing I have learned is how to treat people. Every person has a battle of their own, whether it is a disease, a personal issue, or whatever but no one deserves to have their head bitten off by a stranger because they didn't hold the door open at a store, or because you held the door and they didn't say thank you (these are things I have done). Our lives can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye, I can honestly say that when I was first told I had cancer my life flashed before my eyes and what I saw did not make me feel like I have accomplished much. My kids and my marriage are the accomplishments in my life I am proud of. I want to do so much more and I will do more, I will be a better person because of the struggle I have had to go through. Cancer is a bitch and I will never be grateful or happy that I have cancer but I am thankful for what this experience has taught me so far.
Don't get me wrong with this post, I am not perfect, I have not done a complete 360 I just know what things in my life I want to work on and improve. I feel like once this is over I can close the chapter of the first 31 years of my life and start again. I think that from 32 until whenever my life is over I will live a great life. How many times do we get a second chance? For that I am grateful.
Before all this happened I was the girl that was not very friendly, I had a small group of friends and I did not want anymore. I was the girl who would give dirty looks like they were smiles, I did not care if I hurt your feelings, I had to have the best of everything, and everything was my way or no way. I was also the girl that was so full of anxiety that I was not enjoying my life, that was taking away from not only me but my family as well. I can honestly say that I was not happy, I looked for reasons to argue with people, including Ryan. I was so frustrated with myself for allowing anxiety to overtake me that if I could argue with someone and get all my frustration out I felt better for a few hours. We have cancelled so many vacations, left vacations early, sat around and wasted the days away due to my anxiety. I have learned that life is so short and so good, who cares if you don't have the best of things, material things can not make you happy, they can not bring joy to your life. Sure they can make you feel good about yourself but a Coach bag, or a pair of $200 shoes don't give the joy and happiness that drawing on the sidewalk with your kids can. I want to see everything the world has to offer, I want to travel, I want my kids to see what is out there, I want to stop obsessing over things I can not control and go with the flow. Personally for me though, the biggest thing I have learned is how to treat people. Every person has a battle of their own, whether it is a disease, a personal issue, or whatever but no one deserves to have their head bitten off by a stranger because they didn't hold the door open at a store, or because you held the door and they didn't say thank you (these are things I have done). Our lives can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye, I can honestly say that when I was first told I had cancer my life flashed before my eyes and what I saw did not make me feel like I have accomplished much. My kids and my marriage are the accomplishments in my life I am proud of. I want to do so much more and I will do more, I will be a better person because of the struggle I have had to go through. Cancer is a bitch and I will never be grateful or happy that I have cancer but I am thankful for what this experience has taught me so far.
Don't get me wrong with this post, I am not perfect, I have not done a complete 360 I just know what things in my life I want to work on and improve. I feel like once this is over I can close the chapter of the first 31 years of my life and start again. I think that from 32 until whenever my life is over I will live a great life. How many times do we get a second chance? For that I am grateful.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A journey of 1000 miles begins with 1 step
So much has happened since my last blog. Our computer broke, my friend Wendy has lent me hers, so I have not been able to blog. It is funny because not being able to write out everything I am feeling has made these past weeks difficult. In the past weeks I have completed chemo number 4, participated in Relay for Life, seen my therapist 4 times, and am starting to get ready for surgery. I will try and remember the details of things that have happened but it has been a while for some things.
On June 3, 2011 Amy's Army participated in the Elkton Relay for Life. Together as a team we raised $1,168.00 for the American Cancer Society. Our team had 30 people and I could never thank each and every person that was there that night. The experience of relay was encouraging, emotional, and tiring. It was an overnight event but at 2:00am we decided to pack up and head home, it was freezing cold and everything was dewy which made it worse. Throughout the night the object was to keep one team member walking the track at all times, there were different themes for the walks which made them more interesting then just walking in a circle over and over. At 9:00pm when it was dark it was time for the candlelight walk, this is when things got emotional. The bleachers at the high school were lit with candles that spelled out "Hope", and the track was lined with luminary bags that had either "in memory of" or "in honor of", I had 2 bags with my name on them and seeing them lit during the walk made for a teary walk. I walked the track during this part arm in arm my with sister and my niece. When we got back to our "campsite" my niece, who is only 7, broke down. She wrapped her arms around my waist and was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she got hurt so I asked her "Maddy what happened", she responded to me with "please don't die Aunt Amy, I don't want you to die". I had no words, I just hugged her back and cried. She kept saying over and over "please don't die". I stood there and held her in my arms for a few minutes and we cried together, after I was able to get myself together I took her face in my hands, wiped her tears and said "Maddy, I PROMISE you that Aunt Amy is not going to die. I have way too much to live for, I have you, Ethan, Gabby, and Cole and I will be here to see you all of you grow up, I promise Maddy." We walked over to one of our tables to get tissues and she hugged me again and was still crying. I told her I would never break a promise to her, and that on her wedding day I was going to remind her of that moment, when I promised her I would beat this if for no one else but her. That was the very first time I saw my diagnosis affect someone. My family and friends have been unbelievably strong through all of this. I have not seen anyone cry, Ryan did the night I was diagnosed, but other than night not one person has shown me they were scared. Maddy was the very first person to make me stop and see how this was weighing on her and it broke my heart. From that point on I have a new reason to fight hard, I have to fight for my kids and my husband, I have to fight for myself but more importantly to me now I have to fight for Madison. My kids are not old enough to really know what cancer means, yes they know mommy has breast cancer, they know she takes medicine that makes her sick, they know she has to get surgery and have her breasts removed, but they don't know what the scary sides of cancer are, they don't sit around and contemplate what horrible things could happen but it is clear to me now that Madison does, I wish she didn't have to go through this more than I wish I didn't. She actually said to me a few weeks ago "when I was a baby and would cry you would always make me feel better, I wish I could make you all better" she always knows how to make me cry! Relay was an experience that I will never forget and I can not wait to participate next year as a 1 year survivor!
Chemo number 4 was on June 9th, which was also my sister's b-day. I can happily report that chemo 4 was the first time I did not cry while sitting in the chemo chair. Wendy brought an ice cream cake so we could celebrate my sisters b-day and Ryan, my mom, Wendy, and Mandy all played cards and waited for the time to pass. I did not join them in cards this time because apparently while I have all those meds running through me I cheat. So I sat back and chatted with co-workers and my nurse Dawn. Time always seems to go by pretty quickly while back there, probably not for everyone else but I am always shocked when the last bag goes up and it has been 4 hours. I will say that this time and the last time I became nauseous during the last medicine and that the nausea lasts until Saturday. This time the side effects were not as bad as the last 3 but they did seem to last longer. I would probably rather be really sick for 2 days and get it over with than have it drag out over almost 2 weeks. I was also fortunate enough to end up with a kidney infection after this chemo. I am so glad I have only 2 more left, one next Thursday 6/30 and then the final chemo on 7/21. I have an MRI scheduled for 7/28 at 8:00am and then I will see my surgeon, Dr.Pahnke, who by the way I miss, that same day at 4:00. We will discuss the results of the MRI and what surgery options I have and when it will take place. Having all these things scheduled makes me feel like the end is finally approaching.
Finally my therapist, I think he truly believes I am insane! He has helped me tremendously though, he is very straight forward and the first time I saw him he asked what I was having the biggest problem with, I told him that I could possibly die and not be here for my kids. I thought he would respond with that is not going to happen but instead he said "yes, that is a possibility". Uh ok. He told me that the only way I will be at ease with death and leaving my children behind was to write them each a letter, something they will always have in case this ended bad. I tried, really tried to write those letters but I was not able to do it. Sitting down and saying good-bye and what I hoped Gabby and Cole had in life and things I wanted to make sure they knew was gut wrenching. All I could do was sob. I told him I could not do that and he told me to write lists then, lists of what I hoped they would become or things I wanted them understand in life, he said these lists are always good to have even if a parent is not sick, so I was able to write down things I want for each of them. For example I want them to be good people, to be honest, to follow their hearts with everything they do, never give up, and always always know that no matter what happens in life they always have a place to come home to and they always have a strong support system behind them. I am getting better with my emotions, I generally only cry once a day now compared to the once and hour I was crying before. I am trying now to not dwell on the fact that I have cancer but it is hard, cancer is on my mind all the time. I am excited to have my surgery and wake up to hear Dr.Pahnke tell me that I am cancer free, once that happens I will be able to stop obsessing over all this and hopefully start to get my life back.
So on my list of things to do this summer, finish chemo, get MRI, have surgery and then begin radiation. Once radiation is done I will start the pill Tamoxifen for 5 years and Amy's Army will be preparing for the breast cancer walk in October. Everything has really been going by fast and I can not believe I am down to the final 2 chemo treatments!
On June 3, 2011 Amy's Army participated in the Elkton Relay for Life. Together as a team we raised $1,168.00 for the American Cancer Society. Our team had 30 people and I could never thank each and every person that was there that night. The experience of relay was encouraging, emotional, and tiring. It was an overnight event but at 2:00am we decided to pack up and head home, it was freezing cold and everything was dewy which made it worse. Throughout the night the object was to keep one team member walking the track at all times, there were different themes for the walks which made them more interesting then just walking in a circle over and over. At 9:00pm when it was dark it was time for the candlelight walk, this is when things got emotional. The bleachers at the high school were lit with candles that spelled out "Hope", and the track was lined with luminary bags that had either "in memory of" or "in honor of", I had 2 bags with my name on them and seeing them lit during the walk made for a teary walk. I walked the track during this part arm in arm my with sister and my niece. When we got back to our "campsite" my niece, who is only 7, broke down. She wrapped her arms around my waist and was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she got hurt so I asked her "Maddy what happened", she responded to me with "please don't die Aunt Amy, I don't want you to die". I had no words, I just hugged her back and cried. She kept saying over and over "please don't die". I stood there and held her in my arms for a few minutes and we cried together, after I was able to get myself together I took her face in my hands, wiped her tears and said "Maddy, I PROMISE you that Aunt Amy is not going to die. I have way too much to live for, I have you, Ethan, Gabby, and Cole and I will be here to see you all of you grow up, I promise Maddy." We walked over to one of our tables to get tissues and she hugged me again and was still crying. I told her I would never break a promise to her, and that on her wedding day I was going to remind her of that moment, when I promised her I would beat this if for no one else but her. That was the very first time I saw my diagnosis affect someone. My family and friends have been unbelievably strong through all of this. I have not seen anyone cry, Ryan did the night I was diagnosed, but other than night not one person has shown me they were scared. Maddy was the very first person to make me stop and see how this was weighing on her and it broke my heart. From that point on I have a new reason to fight hard, I have to fight for my kids and my husband, I have to fight for myself but more importantly to me now I have to fight for Madison. My kids are not old enough to really know what cancer means, yes they know mommy has breast cancer, they know she takes medicine that makes her sick, they know she has to get surgery and have her breasts removed, but they don't know what the scary sides of cancer are, they don't sit around and contemplate what horrible things could happen but it is clear to me now that Madison does, I wish she didn't have to go through this more than I wish I didn't. She actually said to me a few weeks ago "when I was a baby and would cry you would always make me feel better, I wish I could make you all better" she always knows how to make me cry! Relay was an experience that I will never forget and I can not wait to participate next year as a 1 year survivor!
Chemo number 4 was on June 9th, which was also my sister's b-day. I can happily report that chemo 4 was the first time I did not cry while sitting in the chemo chair. Wendy brought an ice cream cake so we could celebrate my sisters b-day and Ryan, my mom, Wendy, and Mandy all played cards and waited for the time to pass. I did not join them in cards this time because apparently while I have all those meds running through me I cheat. So I sat back and chatted with co-workers and my nurse Dawn. Time always seems to go by pretty quickly while back there, probably not for everyone else but I am always shocked when the last bag goes up and it has been 4 hours. I will say that this time and the last time I became nauseous during the last medicine and that the nausea lasts until Saturday. This time the side effects were not as bad as the last 3 but they did seem to last longer. I would probably rather be really sick for 2 days and get it over with than have it drag out over almost 2 weeks. I was also fortunate enough to end up with a kidney infection after this chemo. I am so glad I have only 2 more left, one next Thursday 6/30 and then the final chemo on 7/21. I have an MRI scheduled for 7/28 at 8:00am and then I will see my surgeon, Dr.Pahnke, who by the way I miss, that same day at 4:00. We will discuss the results of the MRI and what surgery options I have and when it will take place. Having all these things scheduled makes me feel like the end is finally approaching.
Finally my therapist, I think he truly believes I am insane! He has helped me tremendously though, he is very straight forward and the first time I saw him he asked what I was having the biggest problem with, I told him that I could possibly die and not be here for my kids. I thought he would respond with that is not going to happen but instead he said "yes, that is a possibility". Uh ok. He told me that the only way I will be at ease with death and leaving my children behind was to write them each a letter, something they will always have in case this ended bad. I tried, really tried to write those letters but I was not able to do it. Sitting down and saying good-bye and what I hoped Gabby and Cole had in life and things I wanted to make sure they knew was gut wrenching. All I could do was sob. I told him I could not do that and he told me to write lists then, lists of what I hoped they would become or things I wanted them understand in life, he said these lists are always good to have even if a parent is not sick, so I was able to write down things I want for each of them. For example I want them to be good people, to be honest, to follow their hearts with everything they do, never give up, and always always know that no matter what happens in life they always have a place to come home to and they always have a strong support system behind them. I am getting better with my emotions, I generally only cry once a day now compared to the once and hour I was crying before. I am trying now to not dwell on the fact that I have cancer but it is hard, cancer is on my mind all the time. I am excited to have my surgery and wake up to hear Dr.Pahnke tell me that I am cancer free, once that happens I will be able to stop obsessing over all this and hopefully start to get my life back.
So on my list of things to do this summer, finish chemo, get MRI, have surgery and then begin radiation. Once radiation is done I will start the pill Tamoxifen for 5 years and Amy's Army will be preparing for the breast cancer walk in October. Everything has really been going by fast and I can not believe I am down to the final 2 chemo treatments!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Getting it all out
I decided to start this blog, with the encouragement from my brother-in-law, Matt. He said it helps to get things out and share your story, it has helped me a lot. I have tried to be as honest as possible while writing this blog and the days that I feel confident and good I want to write it down so when I have bad days I can go back and re-read them and remember those strong feelings of positivity. Well, if I am going to stay true to my feelings, it is getting harder and harder to find the positive. Maybe it is because I am getting further and further into treatment and each round seems to bring on new side effects, maybe it is because when you feel like a mac truck has run you over and there is an elephant sitting on your chest it is hard to be positive, and maybe just maybe because I am 31 and dealing with cancer I am finding it hard to be positive. I want to be able to fully believe that I am going to beat this and be here for many years. In my case working at the cancer center for so long has had a negative impact on me. I have seen what happens, I see what the patients have gone through, the person getting their last treatment only to discover that it has spread to somewhere else. I have seen the girl my age with small kids lose her battle, I have seen mothers, fathers, husbands, and wives sit at my desk and cry because they have to let their loved one go due to the cancer. These are all fears I can not get rid of. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and ask why me? why now? I am haunted by the fact that if something were to happen to me my kids would not remember me, that life will go on. Everyone has their own way of "dealing" I just wish I could find my way and stick with it. Having very bad anxiety is also not helping me any. I find it very hard to go to the positive place when I am so used to going to the negative. I have taken the advice of co-workers and other cancer fighters and have decided to seek the help of a professional. I have seen therapists before and I am very hopeful that the cancer center psychologist will be able to offer me some relief from the terrifying images, thoughts, and the reality of what I am dealing it.
I knew going into this that this was going to be the fight of my life but, no one can really prepare you for what emotions and psychological effects you experience. Each treatment brings new fears, new feelings, I really thought being halfway done with chemo I would feel much better. I guess each time you get toxins infused into your body, your body gets a little angrier at you. I am going to try and stay positive and remember that I am 31 and otherwise healthy and doing everything possible to save my life.
I knew going into this that this was going to be the fight of my life but, no one can really prepare you for what emotions and psychological effects you experience. Each treatment brings new fears, new feelings, I really thought being halfway done with chemo I would feel much better. I guess each time you get toxins infused into your body, your body gets a little angrier at you. I am going to try and stay positive and remember that I am 31 and otherwise healthy and doing everything possible to save my life.
Friday, May 20, 2011
3 down 3 to go and reality has hit....hard
So yesterday was the big day, chemo round 3, halfway finished with the poison. Of course, I was frightened beyond belief to get the meds, as soon as I went in and saw my doc and asked my list of questions, which I will get to in a bit, I was sent back to the treatment room. Don't you know the second I am walking through the door a person sitting in a chemo chair directly on the other side of my personal suite started having a reaction to their 3rd time Taxotere! Great, I was there for my 3rd but, I must say those nurses work quickly and they got the situation under control fast. Did it really have to happen right outside my curtain though, I was already nervous. I sat in my chair, unpacked my chemo bag to find what goodies my kiddies packed this time, I had Gabby's purple Tinkerbell blanket, her ducky, and Cole had packed Mr. Blue this time. I had about 15 blow pops and a few Dora books. One of my friends at work, Kellie, had just returned from Disney and she brought me back a little mickey and minnie to stick on my fridge as a constant reminder that we will be there soon celebrating, she also brought me back a pink bracelet that has the words courage and mickey ears on it. I love it, it could not have been better timing. I had just written yesterday before treatment that I was having a hard time finding my courage, well Kell found it for me! My doc decided to change my anti nausea med around since last time I was really sick after, so this new addition took an additional 30 mins to run. I asked Dawn, my strength on chemo days, if she would run the Taxotere slow again, remember this is the med I am petrified of, she told me yes. I think I got more Ativan and Benadryl this time or something cause I was high as a kite. The first time I was high, second time just a bit loopy 3rd time HIGH. I was saying things and just completely in my own world. About an hour, who knows the actual time length, I was high, Dawn said "guess I can let the cat out of the bag now", mmmmhhh what cat would that be? She calmly said "I ran your Taxotere and full speed and you did great", thank God I did not know that prior, see that is why I love her. She knows me and she gets my anxiety, she kept a good eye on me and did what she knew was safe and I made it through. She said I am out of the woods for the remaining treatments, that eases my mind a bit. Leeann, my other strength, and Dawn took turns sitting in there and keeping me calm and just going above what they need to do. There is no way I would make it through chemo without them. When my infusion was finished we got up to leave the spins kicked in. After a few hours at home I was feeling better and we decided to run out and grab some Chilli's take out...big mistake! After my chicken/beef fajitas I became nauseous and it has yet to leave. Mental note, no fajitas after chemo.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Third time is a charm....right?
"Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others"-Winston Churchill
I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.
I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.
It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;
The Day Before
12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids
Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.
Chemo Day
12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.
The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.
T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.
I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.
I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.
It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;
The Day Before
12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids
Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.
Chemo Day
12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.
The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.
T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Nothing to do with cancer
Before all this began I worked full time, Mon-Fri 8:00 to 4:30 at the cancer center and my husband worked 2nd shift, 3:30 to 12:00am. We never saw each other except for on the weekends, he took the 2nd shift position so we would not have to put our babies in daycare. I would always come home from work and complain because the dishes were not done, the toys were all over the living room, and just bitch about how easy he has it during the day and how stay at home moms have the life. They get to get up whenever, do as they please all do and how dare they complain about how tough their day was. Well, I could not have been more wrong! I love my kiddies with every single piece of everything I have but they are a full time job! On the days that I start feeling better I try and get the house cleaned and the laundry caught up, impossible with a 3 and 4 year old. Just as I get one room clear of toys, floor swept and fingerprints cleaned off of windows they turn around and mess it back up again, it is a never ending cycle. Just a few days ago I gathered all the laundry went down to the basement put the clothes in the washer and came back upstairs to find them standing on either ends of the couch pecking, like chickens, at a huge mound of cocoa pebbles that they dumped all over the couch. Now, for some reason Ryan and I thought it was a good idea to by cream colored couches with little kids. I now had cream and chocolate couches. I looked at them and just said "it would be best if the two of you went into rooms and did not come back out" Gabby asked "for how long" I responded with "probably all day". Well missy put her hands on her hips and replied with "you are going to a birthday party at noon so I know its not all day" gotta love 4 year old girls.
Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to cooking, I am not the best by any means. Yesterday, the kids wanted bagel bites for lunch, bagel bites, no problem. Put them in the oven, 15 mins later I served them to the kids. Gabby said "mommy you should probably just stick to getting better and let daddy cook" umm thanks Gabs. Kids really do say anything and they don't care. Ryan came home one day last week and asked Cole how is day was and he said "umm you know, mommy cried, blah blah blah" so glad I am not annoying them yet. I absolutely have a new respect for moms that stay home, it is a hard job.
I used to be so excited for October because it meant that all cancer treatment will be behind me and I will start my second chance but now I am looking forward to also going back to work! I love you Gabby and Cole but you are tiring! Oh, and if I am asked "why" or if I hear "I can't my knees hurt", "I am too tired to put my toys away" "I don't wanna" or "no" one more time I may take a vacation to the nearest nut hut.
Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to cooking, I am not the best by any means. Yesterday, the kids wanted bagel bites for lunch, bagel bites, no problem. Put them in the oven, 15 mins later I served them to the kids. Gabby said "mommy you should probably just stick to getting better and let daddy cook" umm thanks Gabs. Kids really do say anything and they don't care. Ryan came home one day last week and asked Cole how is day was and he said "umm you know, mommy cried, blah blah blah" so glad I am not annoying them yet. I absolutely have a new respect for moms that stay home, it is a hard job.
I used to be so excited for October because it meant that all cancer treatment will be behind me and I will start my second chance but now I am looking forward to also going back to work! I love you Gabby and Cole but you are tiring! Oh, and if I am asked "why" or if I hear "I can't my knees hurt", "I am too tired to put my toys away" "I don't wanna" or "no" one more time I may take a vacation to the nearest nut hut.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)