So yesterday was the big day, chemo round 3, halfway finished with the poison. Of course, I was frightened beyond belief to get the meds, as soon as I went in and saw my doc and asked my list of questions, which I will get to in a bit, I was sent back to the treatment room. Don't you know the second I am walking through the door a person sitting in a chemo chair directly on the other side of my personal suite started having a reaction to their 3rd time Taxotere! Great, I was there for my 3rd but, I must say those nurses work quickly and they got the situation under control fast. Did it really have to happen right outside my curtain though, I was already nervous. I sat in my chair, unpacked my chemo bag to find what goodies my kiddies packed this time, I had Gabby's purple Tinkerbell blanket, her ducky, and Cole had packed Mr. Blue this time. I had about 15 blow pops and a few Dora books. One of my friends at work, Kellie, had just returned from Disney and she brought me back a little mickey and minnie to stick on my fridge as a constant reminder that we will be there soon celebrating, she also brought me back a pink bracelet that has the words courage and mickey ears on it. I love it, it could not have been better timing. I had just written yesterday before treatment that I was having a hard time finding my courage, well Kell found it for me! My doc decided to change my anti nausea med around since last time I was really sick after, so this new addition took an additional 30 mins to run. I asked Dawn, my strength on chemo days, if she would run the Taxotere slow again, remember this is the med I am petrified of, she told me yes. I think I got more Ativan and Benadryl this time or something cause I was high as a kite. The first time I was high, second time just a bit loopy 3rd time HIGH. I was saying things and just completely in my own world. About an hour, who knows the actual time length, I was high, Dawn said "guess I can let the cat out of the bag now", mmmmhhh what cat would that be? She calmly said "I ran your Taxotere and full speed and you did great", thank God I did not know that prior, see that is why I love her. She knows me and she gets my anxiety, she kept a good eye on me and did what she knew was safe and I made it through. She said I am out of the woods for the remaining treatments, that eases my mind a bit. Leeann, my other strength, and Dawn took turns sitting in there and keeping me calm and just going above what they need to do. There is no way I would make it through chemo without them. When my infusion was finished we got up to leave the spins kicked in. After a few hours at home I was feeling better and we decided to run out and grab some Chilli's take out...big mistake! After my chicken/beef fajitas I became nauseous and it has yet to leave. Mental note, no fajitas after chemo.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
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