Hair

I have always been the girl that changed her hair more than anyone. I have never been "attached" to my hair, it has been every color, style, and texture you can imagine. I even dyed my hair 3 different colors in one week. My motto has always been "it is just hair" but, losing my hair has been the hardest part of this entire journey.

It started about 2 days ago, I washed my hair and ended up getting a handful in the shower, I was surprised that so much was coming out and so soon. I decided not to wash my hair with the hope that it would stay longer, that plan didn't work. Yesterday, if I touched my hair I would get a lot more in my hands then usual. Ryan thought it would be best if I went ahead and shaved my hair yesterday. I told him I was not ready to let go of it. It was mine, my hair was something that defined me, when I looked in the mirror the first thing I always saw was my hair, whether it looked good or bad it was mine. Today I woke up to my hair being everywhere. It was constantly on my clothes and if I touched my head I would get clumps. Every story I have read or every person I have talked to has said to shave it off, the cancer is taking so much away from you that losing your hair should be on your terms and make you feel like you had control in a situation where all control is gone. I let Ryan know that when he got home from work today he could be the one to buzz my head. How I was dreading 4:30 when he would be home.

I spent the majority of the day crying, I did not want to let go of my hair. I knew it was going to happen but I really was holding out hope that maybe just maybe I would be in the group of people that did not lose their hair. My niece, Maddy, who is only 7, told me today that with or without my hair I would still be beautiful to her (great now I am crying and typing) she also said that she is going to start planning a party for me for when I "lose my cancer". She is a pretty awesome little girl and I am very lucky to have her as my niece. My Gabrielle was very excited all day, she could not wait for my hair to be gone so she could call me daddy, since Ryan is bald she thinks it is funny to have both parents bald.

The time had come for Ryan to get home from work. My sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew all came down to the "good-bye hair" buzzing. Ryan got the clippers out and I lost it. I sat down in the chair and I bawled my eyes out the entire time. Seeing my hair falling to floor and feeling the chill on my head was not anything that I wanted to embrace. My sister sat at my knees and kept telling me it was ok, this was temporary. Maddy told me I looked beautiful and she liked it better than my hair, Gabby said I was now a girl-man (gotta love 4 year olds). Cole just sat there laughing, he thinks its funny that mommy has no hair. Ryan finally finished and I did not want to look in the mirror. I did not want to see what I looked like. I grabbed my head scarf and tried to put it on without looking, I got up and headed to the bathroom to get a tissue. The head scarf was not on good and I had to look in the mirror. I lost it again, I do not look like me. I look like the girl who has cancer. To me, none of this has felt real yet. Yeah, I already got chemo, yes I have a port, I have spent a week in the hospital, the whole nine but, nothing has felt like wow you have cancer. Until now.

That is what bothers me the most, I now look the part. I don't want people to look at me and feel bad or sad. I don't want to feel like a  cancer patient. I don't want to embrace this, I want this over. I will be going tomorrow to get my wig, people keep telling me how much fun wigs are and how you can now change your hair everyday, I don't want to change my hair, I just want my hair back. Hopefully, once I get the wig and can look in the mirror again I will feel differently but right now I am going to grieve the loss of my hair and try to get used to not having anything to twirl while I watch tv.