Nighttime

Nighttime used be my favorite part of the day. To me it meant, the day was over, time to put the jammies on and snuggle with kids and relax. Now however, nighttime has a whole new meaning. It now brings fear, sadness, and uncertainty. This is the time I begin to feel sorry for myself, the time I look at Gabrielle and Cole and have to walk away, the time that I break down. When all the world is starting to settle down my mind is gearing up for a marathon of "what if" questions and vivid images. As I said before, I am confident, I am strong but, I am also human, I am scared out of my mind. The even slightest thought of not being here for my kids is the most heartbreaking, terrifying sensation a person can face. I am the girl who refused to put something so simple as Tylenol into her mouth and now I must get poison put into my bloodstream so I can survive. The very thought of chemo makes me nauseous, it makes my heart race, it makes me shake in fear. I am just certain that I will be the 1 in whatever statistic that has a severe allergic reaction, I can not calm that fear or make it go away. All I can do is cross my fingers and pray that everything goes good on Thursday (my first chemo). I am fortunate to work with the best oncology nurses and doctors around here but they can only calm your fears so much. I know in my heart that all will be ok, I am just not really looking forward to being sick, or losing my hair. But hey, I should be coming out of this nightmare by October, which clearly means that I am going to have the BEST Halloween costume and not have to spend any money. What is more frightening for a child to see than a girl handing out candy with no hair, a port, and missing ta's?