Round 1

Eleanor Rossevelt once said "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you can not".

For me, fear as always been a huge part of my life. Since I was 18 years old I have struggled non-stop with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I have always refused to take medication, I was afraid of putting those pills into my body, I saw different therapists but nothing seemed to ever really work. The only thing that did "work" for me was becoming a slave to my fears. These fears have held me back so much in life, my husband and I did not go on our all expense paid honeymoon, we have skipped out on family vacations, parties, dinners, and so many other things that I can not even list. Fear is evil.

Yesterday, I faced the biggest fear I could ever imagine, Chemotherapy. Again, I am the girl who was afraid to take Tylenol or even try new foods because of the possibility of an allergic reaction. I spent my morning sick to my stomach, shaking, and crying. I knew the only thing that was going to make this cancer die was chemo, that still didn't mean I wanted to do it. As my mother-in-law came to pick the kids up , thank you, and we headed off to the good old Helen F. Graham Center, the tears did not stop streaming down my face. I was certain something was going to go wrong, in fact, I could even envision what was going to happen.  I have walked through the doors of that building more times than I can count, yesterday, it felt different, I no longer felt like the employee, I was the patient. When I went into the office I was greeted once again by the most amazing co-workers and friends a person could ask for. Their support and generosity is incredible and I am so fortunate to have those girls in my life. My entourage, Ryan, Mandy, my mom, and my closest and dearest friend Wendy, made their way down the hall to Jamal's (my oncologists) office, where we sat and got more hugs form more incredibly caring co-workers, waiting for the "go ahead". Doc came in, blood pressure perfect, CBC CMP PLT and MAG all perfect, ugh, time to head back to the dreaded chemo room. Now, in  my 6 years of being employed in this practice, I have always found ways to avoid going into the chemo room, it has broken my heart and just is not a place I ever wanted to visit.

Again, have I mentioned how amazing my co-workers are? In the chemo room they had an area set up in the corner with a curtain and chairs and a table called the "Amy Suite" just for me. I was fortunate to get my nurses LeeAnn and Dawn, don't get me wrong, I love all the nurses but these 2 know my fears and they  are beyond caring and compassionate.

The IVs and needles came out, the shaking began. We had made a deal earlier, that whatever they were hooking up to my IV I would not be told what it was. I did not want to know when the chemo was invading my body. The first drip of meds started and I was told "you are going to like this stuff" about 5 minutes into that infusion, I had no care in the world. The room was a little spinney and I could feel a stupid perma grin on my face. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I did the whole time. I couldn't think straight, I was trying to respond to text messages only for them to be misspelled and making no sense. I sat there for 5 hours being pumped full of Taxotere/Carboplatin/Herceptin, and I could of cared less.The only time I realized that something was a bit off was when it was time to go home. I stood up and realized I was very unstable.  I had a great support system with me yesterday and many people who stopped in to check on me. I had 2 great nurses who got me through treatment number 1.

Up next for me; neulasta shot today, a shot that makes your body produce white blood cells, then I am going to rest all weekend and allow the chemo to kill my cancer. Monday, I will have my first ever surgery, a port placement so they don't have to stick my veins every time and then a 3 week rest period before round 2.

Normally, I would allow the fear to grab me and stop me from doing things. Yesterday, I grabbed the fear and made it stop (technically the ativan/benadryll infusion I got stopped the fear but hey I am gonna take a point anyway).

All in all CANCER 0 AMY 1