I decided to start this blog, with the encouragement from my brother-in-law, Matt. He said it helps to get things out and share your story, it has helped me a lot. I have tried to be as honest as possible while writing this blog and the days that I feel confident and good I want to write it down so when I have bad days I can go back and re-read them and remember those strong feelings of positivity. Well, if I am going to stay true to my feelings, it is getting harder and harder to find the positive. Maybe it is because I am getting further and further into treatment and each round seems to bring on new side effects, maybe it is because when you feel like a mac truck has run you over and there is an elephant sitting on your chest it is hard to be positive, and maybe just maybe because I am 31 and dealing with cancer I am finding it hard to be positive. I want to be able to fully believe that I am going to beat this and be here for many years. In my case working at the cancer center for so long has had a negative impact on me. I have seen what happens, I see what the patients have gone through, the person getting their last treatment only to discover that it has spread to somewhere else. I have seen the girl my age with small kids lose her battle, I have seen mothers, fathers, husbands, and wives sit at my desk and cry because they have to let their loved one go due to the cancer. These are all fears I can not get rid of. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and ask why me? why now? I am haunted by the fact that if something were to happen to me my kids would not remember me, that life will go on. Everyone has their own way of "dealing" I just wish I could find my way and stick with it. Having very bad anxiety is also not helping me any. I find it very hard to go to the positive place when I am so used to going to the negative. I have taken the advice of co-workers and other cancer fighters and have decided to seek the help of a professional. I have seen therapists before and I am very hopeful that the cancer center psychologist will be able to offer me some relief from the terrifying images, thoughts, and the reality of what I am dealing it.
I knew going into this that this was going to be the fight of my life but, no one can really prepare you for what emotions and psychological effects you experience. Each treatment brings new fears, new feelings, I really thought being halfway done with chemo I would feel much better. I guess each time you get toxins infused into your body, your body gets a little angrier at you. I am going to try and stay positive and remember that I am 31 and otherwise healthy and doing everything possible to save my life.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
3 down 3 to go and reality has hit....hard
So yesterday was the big day, chemo round 3, halfway finished with the poison. Of course, I was frightened beyond belief to get the meds, as soon as I went in and saw my doc and asked my list of questions, which I will get to in a bit, I was sent back to the treatment room. Don't you know the second I am walking through the door a person sitting in a chemo chair directly on the other side of my personal suite started having a reaction to their 3rd time Taxotere! Great, I was there for my 3rd but, I must say those nurses work quickly and they got the situation under control fast. Did it really have to happen right outside my curtain though, I was already nervous. I sat in my chair, unpacked my chemo bag to find what goodies my kiddies packed this time, I had Gabby's purple Tinkerbell blanket, her ducky, and Cole had packed Mr. Blue this time. I had about 15 blow pops and a few Dora books. One of my friends at work, Kellie, had just returned from Disney and she brought me back a little mickey and minnie to stick on my fridge as a constant reminder that we will be there soon celebrating, she also brought me back a pink bracelet that has the words courage and mickey ears on it. I love it, it could not have been better timing. I had just written yesterday before treatment that I was having a hard time finding my courage, well Kell found it for me! My doc decided to change my anti nausea med around since last time I was really sick after, so this new addition took an additional 30 mins to run. I asked Dawn, my strength on chemo days, if she would run the Taxotere slow again, remember this is the med I am petrified of, she told me yes. I think I got more Ativan and Benadryl this time or something cause I was high as a kite. The first time I was high, second time just a bit loopy 3rd time HIGH. I was saying things and just completely in my own world. About an hour, who knows the actual time length, I was high, Dawn said "guess I can let the cat out of the bag now", mmmmhhh what cat would that be? She calmly said "I ran your Taxotere and full speed and you did great", thank God I did not know that prior, see that is why I love her. She knows me and she gets my anxiety, she kept a good eye on me and did what she knew was safe and I made it through. She said I am out of the woods for the remaining treatments, that eases my mind a bit. Leeann, my other strength, and Dawn took turns sitting in there and keeping me calm and just going above what they need to do. There is no way I would make it through chemo without them. When my infusion was finished we got up to leave the spins kicked in. After a few hours at home I was feeling better and we decided to run out and grab some Chilli's take out...big mistake! After my chicken/beef fajitas I became nauseous and it has yet to leave. Mental note, no fajitas after chemo.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Third time is a charm....right?
"Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others"-Winston Churchill
I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.
I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.
It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;
The Day Before
12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids
Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.
Chemo Day
12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.
The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.
T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.
I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.
I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.
It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;
The Day Before
12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids
Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.
Chemo Day
12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.
The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.
T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Nothing to do with cancer
Before all this began I worked full time, Mon-Fri 8:00 to 4:30 at the cancer center and my husband worked 2nd shift, 3:30 to 12:00am. We never saw each other except for on the weekends, he took the 2nd shift position so we would not have to put our babies in daycare. I would always come home from work and complain because the dishes were not done, the toys were all over the living room, and just bitch about how easy he has it during the day and how stay at home moms have the life. They get to get up whenever, do as they please all do and how dare they complain about how tough their day was. Well, I could not have been more wrong! I love my kiddies with every single piece of everything I have but they are a full time job! On the days that I start feeling better I try and get the house cleaned and the laundry caught up, impossible with a 3 and 4 year old. Just as I get one room clear of toys, floor swept and fingerprints cleaned off of windows they turn around and mess it back up again, it is a never ending cycle. Just a few days ago I gathered all the laundry went down to the basement put the clothes in the washer and came back upstairs to find them standing on either ends of the couch pecking, like chickens, at a huge mound of cocoa pebbles that they dumped all over the couch. Now, for some reason Ryan and I thought it was a good idea to by cream colored couches with little kids. I now had cream and chocolate couches. I looked at them and just said "it would be best if the two of you went into rooms and did not come back out" Gabby asked "for how long" I responded with "probably all day". Well missy put her hands on her hips and replied with "you are going to a birthday party at noon so I know its not all day" gotta love 4 year old girls.
Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to cooking, I am not the best by any means. Yesterday, the kids wanted bagel bites for lunch, bagel bites, no problem. Put them in the oven, 15 mins later I served them to the kids. Gabby said "mommy you should probably just stick to getting better and let daddy cook" umm thanks Gabs. Kids really do say anything and they don't care. Ryan came home one day last week and asked Cole how is day was and he said "umm you know, mommy cried, blah blah blah" so glad I am not annoying them yet. I absolutely have a new respect for moms that stay home, it is a hard job.
I used to be so excited for October because it meant that all cancer treatment will be behind me and I will start my second chance but now I am looking forward to also going back to work! I love you Gabby and Cole but you are tiring! Oh, and if I am asked "why" or if I hear "I can't my knees hurt", "I am too tired to put my toys away" "I don't wanna" or "no" one more time I may take a vacation to the nearest nut hut.
Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to cooking, I am not the best by any means. Yesterday, the kids wanted bagel bites for lunch, bagel bites, no problem. Put them in the oven, 15 mins later I served them to the kids. Gabby said "mommy you should probably just stick to getting better and let daddy cook" umm thanks Gabs. Kids really do say anything and they don't care. Ryan came home one day last week and asked Cole how is day was and he said "umm you know, mommy cried, blah blah blah" so glad I am not annoying them yet. I absolutely have a new respect for moms that stay home, it is a hard job.
I used to be so excited for October because it meant that all cancer treatment will be behind me and I will start my second chance but now I am looking forward to also going back to work! I love you Gabby and Cole but you are tiring! Oh, and if I am asked "why" or if I hear "I can't my knees hurt", "I am too tired to put my toys away" "I don't wanna" or "no" one more time I may take a vacation to the nearest nut hut.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The saga continues
Last week, after getting the negative genetic results, I have been on a mission to try and figure out why I got cancer. Now no one can tell you exactly why you develop cancer but not knowing doesn't sit well with me. Trust me, I have done my research on Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and I know all the facts, this could not be sporadic. Who at 31 just gets cancer, there is a reason this happened and I have been replaying everything in my life that could have caused this to occur. I grew up, until 11, in Salem New Jersey, not the best place to grow up but not long enough around the chemicals of the power plant to cause this. I have never smoked and I don't drink. I don't have the healthiest eating habits nor do I exercise enough but at 31 I don't believe I would develop cancer from that. Everything I have read about pregnancies is if you have a baby before 35 it lowers your risk of developing breast cancer, well I had 2 babies in less than 1 year! That didn't make any sense to me either. I started looking into medications, I have always refused to take meds so I thought I was pretty good on that, the only medicine that I took religiously was Clomid, a fertility pill, I started looking into that, called the pharmaceutical company that makes Clomid and was told there was a direct link, great.
Ryan and I got married on November 8, 2003 and in May of 2004 I found out I was pregnant. A little earlier then we had planned for kids, I wasn't really excited to be pregnant at that point. Everything seemed to be going ok, morning sickness check, tiredness check, I was def pregnant. We went for our first baby appointment was told everything was on schedule and had an ultrasound scheduled. The ultrasound was scheduled for June 24, 2004, I went in the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and didn't really say anything, I didn't get to look at the screen and see a baby, nothing. I was told everything looks normal, you are 7 weeks, I was told it was too early to really see anything and sent home. Once I got home I called my doc and said I needed to be reassured, the tech really scared me. My doc called back and said the ultrasound looked normal for being 7 weeks, she said they couldn't see a heartbeat but it was still early. Thinking everything was fine we went on with our lives. July 3, 2004 started out like any other day, by that afternoon I was not feeling well. I had cramps and just felt like something was wrong, I called my OB she said not to worry that could be normal for early pregnancy, ok, what did I know, I was 24 and figured the OB knew what she was talking about. I went to bed that night still feeling bad, I woke up the next morning July 4th in pain and I knew something was wrong, I called my doc right away and was told by the on call doc that since I was now 8 weeks along I was probably having a miscarriage. I was not instructed to go to the hospital, just to "ride it out", that is a whole different blog right there. After everything happened I realized how much I really did want that baby. I was devastated and we decided to start trying again ASAP. We tried, unsuccessfully, for 1 year. At the 1 year point, August of 2005, I switched docs, and we were given the fertility pill Clomid. I was told that I could only take it for a max of 4 months because I was taking the highest dose. I was also told that taking fertility pills and NOT becoming pregnant COULD increase your chances of developing cancer later in life. I did not care, I wanted a baby. I started the pills that August and completed 4 months of emotional/mood swing hell. December of 2005 was my last go round, it was unsuccessful, no pregnancy, we were sent to a reproductive doctor, who might I add was amazing. Dr. Kovelevsky did some tests on both of us and everything was normal, no problems. We decided that since the fertility pills did not work we would move onto the next step, IUD, we were scheduled to have this procedure done on March 6, 2006. I had to to take so many different pills and shots prior to the procedure, on March 3, which is also Ryan's birthday, I went into to have some blood work done and went to work. About an hour after my blood work Dr. Kovelesky called me and said I needed to come back and get an ultrasound. I went over to his office and was told my levels were very elevated and that the pregnancy test they did was positive! How could that be? They did the ultrasound and again I was about 6 weeks, I needed to come back in a week and see if the baby had a heartbeat. That was the longest week of my life. My sister, Ryan and I went back one week later and had the ultrasound, there was a student nurse there that day and in a tiny exam room was Ryan, Mandy, the ultrasound tech, physician assistant, and student nurse. I was so nervous I could not think straight, as soon as the ultrasound began I was frantically searching the screen but I could not see anything. The tech asked "do you see that little thing that looks like rice jumping, well that is your baby's heartbeat", she turned the volume on the machine on and we could hear it. There was not a dry eye in that room. FINALLY, we were going to have our family and it happened naturally. On October 30, 2006, one day past her due date, Gabrielle Ryan entered the world. Everything was perfect, we could not have been happier. We had decided that since it took so long and was such a process that she was going to be our only one. We were not going through that fertility nightmare again, someone had other plans. Since I never really had a "regular cycle" my OB wanted to do blood work 8 weeks after Gabby was born, I went in for the blood work not ever expecting to get the call I got. The next morning, at work, my OB called and said he had my results and I was pregnant. No, I just had a baby 8 weeks ago. My exact words to him were "shut up" he started talking and I was crying. I had no clue what he was saying, now I had just gone back to work and sitting at my desk with co-workers around me thinking my husband was in a horrible accident, that is how hard I was crying. I hung up with my doctor and one co-worker said "your pregnant aren't you", I shook my head yes and she laughed! I had to call Ryan and tell him, Ryan likes to prank people, he pulled a very mean April Fools joke on me a few back that involved fake police and hospitals, it was bad. So I decided, the day before I found out I was pregnant again, to call him at work and tell him I was pregnant. He freaked, I thought it was funny. Now I had to call him and tell him I wasn't joking. It took a while to accept that fact that baby 2 would be here before Gabby had her first birthday, I was not at ease with it all until we had a 4D ultrasound done, when I saw him on the screen sucking his thumb, I felt calm. On October 4, 2007 Cole William joined and completed our family.
I never thought in a million years that 3 very short years later I would be battling cancer. I wish I could go back in time and know that the Clomid would not work, I might not be where I am right now. The hardest part for me is still nighttime and will always be Gabby and Cole. I am plagued with the thought of them not having a mommy. It is something I can not get past. It is not fair to them. Cole told me yesterday "mommy I need to tell you something" I said "ok bubba what", he said "don't cry but I really miss your hair". Of course I cried and hugged him and just said "me too". He told my sister a couple of weeks ago if he had a magic wand he would make everything "normal" again. I don't exactly know why but, round 2 has been the hardest, emotionally on me. I find myself crying every night, even after my nightly Xanax. I am so afraid of the unknown. I know that I will not be 100% at ease until I wake up from surgery and hear the doc say he got it all, the cancer is gone. I guess I just need to be reassured that the words remission and surviving still apply to me.
Today is Monday, kiddies had their first t-ball game tonight, what a great distraction for me and them. It was so nice to see them running around and being happy. I am dreading chemo number 3 on Thursday, I really am hoping and praying that this round is a little easier. After Thursday I will be halfway done with posion and one day closer to having this port removed.
Ryan and I got married on November 8, 2003 and in May of 2004 I found out I was pregnant. A little earlier then we had planned for kids, I wasn't really excited to be pregnant at that point. Everything seemed to be going ok, morning sickness check, tiredness check, I was def pregnant. We went for our first baby appointment was told everything was on schedule and had an ultrasound scheduled. The ultrasound was scheduled for June 24, 2004, I went in the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and didn't really say anything, I didn't get to look at the screen and see a baby, nothing. I was told everything looks normal, you are 7 weeks, I was told it was too early to really see anything and sent home. Once I got home I called my doc and said I needed to be reassured, the tech really scared me. My doc called back and said the ultrasound looked normal for being 7 weeks, she said they couldn't see a heartbeat but it was still early. Thinking everything was fine we went on with our lives. July 3, 2004 started out like any other day, by that afternoon I was not feeling well. I had cramps and just felt like something was wrong, I called my OB she said not to worry that could be normal for early pregnancy, ok, what did I know, I was 24 and figured the OB knew what she was talking about. I went to bed that night still feeling bad, I woke up the next morning July 4th in pain and I knew something was wrong, I called my doc right away and was told by the on call doc that since I was now 8 weeks along I was probably having a miscarriage. I was not instructed to go to the hospital, just to "ride it out", that is a whole different blog right there. After everything happened I realized how much I really did want that baby. I was devastated and we decided to start trying again ASAP. We tried, unsuccessfully, for 1 year. At the 1 year point, August of 2005, I switched docs, and we were given the fertility pill Clomid. I was told that I could only take it for a max of 4 months because I was taking the highest dose. I was also told that taking fertility pills and NOT becoming pregnant COULD increase your chances of developing cancer later in life. I did not care, I wanted a baby. I started the pills that August and completed 4 months of emotional/mood swing hell. December of 2005 was my last go round, it was unsuccessful, no pregnancy, we were sent to a reproductive doctor, who might I add was amazing. Dr. Kovelevsky did some tests on both of us and everything was normal, no problems. We decided that since the fertility pills did not work we would move onto the next step, IUD, we were scheduled to have this procedure done on March 6, 2006. I had to to take so many different pills and shots prior to the procedure, on March 3, which is also Ryan's birthday, I went into to have some blood work done and went to work. About an hour after my blood work Dr. Kovelesky called me and said I needed to come back and get an ultrasound. I went over to his office and was told my levels were very elevated and that the pregnancy test they did was positive! How could that be? They did the ultrasound and again I was about 6 weeks, I needed to come back in a week and see if the baby had a heartbeat. That was the longest week of my life. My sister, Ryan and I went back one week later and had the ultrasound, there was a student nurse there that day and in a tiny exam room was Ryan, Mandy, the ultrasound tech, physician assistant, and student nurse. I was so nervous I could not think straight, as soon as the ultrasound began I was frantically searching the screen but I could not see anything. The tech asked "do you see that little thing that looks like rice jumping, well that is your baby's heartbeat", she turned the volume on the machine on and we could hear it. There was not a dry eye in that room. FINALLY, we were going to have our family and it happened naturally. On October 30, 2006, one day past her due date, Gabrielle Ryan entered the world. Everything was perfect, we could not have been happier. We had decided that since it took so long and was such a process that she was going to be our only one. We were not going through that fertility nightmare again, someone had other plans. Since I never really had a "regular cycle" my OB wanted to do blood work 8 weeks after Gabby was born, I went in for the blood work not ever expecting to get the call I got. The next morning, at work, my OB called and said he had my results and I was pregnant. No, I just had a baby 8 weeks ago. My exact words to him were "shut up" he started talking and I was crying. I had no clue what he was saying, now I had just gone back to work and sitting at my desk with co-workers around me thinking my husband was in a horrible accident, that is how hard I was crying. I hung up with my doctor and one co-worker said "your pregnant aren't you", I shook my head yes and she laughed! I had to call Ryan and tell him, Ryan likes to prank people, he pulled a very mean April Fools joke on me a few back that involved fake police and hospitals, it was bad. So I decided, the day before I found out I was pregnant again, to call him at work and tell him I was pregnant. He freaked, I thought it was funny. Now I had to call him and tell him I wasn't joking. It took a while to accept that fact that baby 2 would be here before Gabby had her first birthday, I was not at ease with it all until we had a 4D ultrasound done, when I saw him on the screen sucking his thumb, I felt calm. On October 4, 2007 Cole William joined and completed our family.
I never thought in a million years that 3 very short years later I would be battling cancer. I wish I could go back in time and know that the Clomid would not work, I might not be where I am right now. The hardest part for me is still nighttime and will always be Gabby and Cole. I am plagued with the thought of them not having a mommy. It is something I can not get past. It is not fair to them. Cole told me yesterday "mommy I need to tell you something" I said "ok bubba what", he said "don't cry but I really miss your hair". Of course I cried and hugged him and just said "me too". He told my sister a couple of weeks ago if he had a magic wand he would make everything "normal" again. I don't exactly know why but, round 2 has been the hardest, emotionally on me. I find myself crying every night, even after my nightly Xanax. I am so afraid of the unknown. I know that I will not be 100% at ease until I wake up from surgery and hear the doc say he got it all, the cancer is gone. I guess I just need to be reassured that the words remission and surviving still apply to me.
Today is Monday, kiddies had their first t-ball game tonight, what a great distraction for me and them. It was so nice to see them running around and being happy. I am dreading chemo number 3 on Thursday, I really am hoping and praying that this round is a little easier. After Thursday I will be halfway done with posion and one day closer to having this port removed.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
American Cancer Society
The American Society is having 2 events that are close to my heart and that I will be participating in. One is the Relay for Life event being held on June 3 at Elkton High School. We have created a small team, Amy's Army, that will be participating in the festivities, if anyone would like to join our team or donate to the American Cancer Society please visit, http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11SA/156421503?pg=team&fr_id=33338&team_id=964932. Any donations or members are appreciated.
The big one. On October 23, 2011 we will also be walking in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer in Wilmington. This walk means a lot to me and will hold a special meaning. By the time this walk comes around I will have completed all chemotherapy treatments, went through surgery, and be done with radiation. This walk will symbolize the end of this journey and the taking back of my life. In this walk when I cross the finish line, I will be able to cross and say that I am a survivor. We have created a team as well to walk in this event, Amy's Army, if you would like to join this team or donate towards ending breast cancer please visit http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=964145&pg=team&fr_id=36193, and join us in helping women celebrate more birthdays.
Thank you to all that participate, donate, or even just read the information. Every penny a person donates, every little piece of knowledge a person gets will help to finally end this disease and never make another woman suffer.
The big one. On October 23, 2011 we will also be walking in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer in Wilmington. This walk means a lot to me and will hold a special meaning. By the time this walk comes around I will have completed all chemotherapy treatments, went through surgery, and be done with radiation. This walk will symbolize the end of this journey and the taking back of my life. In this walk when I cross the finish line, I will be able to cross and say that I am a survivor. We have created a team as well to walk in this event, Amy's Army, if you would like to join this team or donate towards ending breast cancer please visit http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=964145&pg=team&fr_id=36193, and join us in helping women celebrate more birthdays.
Thank you to all that participate, donate, or even just read the information. Every penny a person donates, every little piece of knowledge a person gets will help to finally end this disease and never make another woman suffer.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Finally some good news
When I was first told I had breast cancer I was sent to see a genetic doctor. The fact that I was diagnosed at 31 and had some cancer in my mother's side of the gene pool they were pretty confident in thinking this was a genetic gene mutation. I met with the genetic doctor who explained the entire DNA process and how cancer develops to Ryan and I. When it is a genetic cancer that means that I would be a carrier for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene. These genes are the cancer fighters in your body. When we are conceived we inherit 2 from our fathers and 2 from our mothers, when a pair of inherited genes are mutated they can eventually turn into cancer. I was never aware of any family history of cancer until my grandfather passed away at 79 from pancreatic cancer, which we found out is a cancer that the BRCA genes can create. We sat with the geneticist and made a family tree of everyone as far back as we could gather and their medical histories, now I found out that genetic cancer will NOT skip a generation. No one in my mothers generation has or had cancer, so there was a missing link between my grandfathers generation, him and his sister had cancer, and my generation. We were told that since my mother and her sister both had their ovaries removed before 45 that basically took their chance of developing cancer away, so now the missing link had been found. I was now considered high risk for a gene mutation.
Finding out that this could be genetic was devastating to me. It meant that I was carrier and now anyone in my direct bloodline, Gabby, my niece Maddy, my sister Mandy, Cole, and my nephew Ethan were now at a high risk of developing cancer. For the boys it was not as serious as the girls. It just meant they needed to be screened for prostate cancer a lot sooner than everyone else. For Gabby and Maddy it meant a lot. If I was found to be positive they would need to start getting MRI's (no mammograms for them) at 18 every 6 months. Now, I am not sure about anyone else but MRI's are not fun. Sure you just lay there for 45 mins to an hour but the breast MRI, you have to lay on your stomach with your face in this little cut out on the table or with your head to the side. Not comfortable after 5 mins and the machine is so loud. No 18 year old should have to go through that. It also meant at 25 they would have to decide if they wanted to get preventative mastectomies, have their ovaries removed or just be checked every 6 months. All of these are things that a person that young should never have to decide.
Having the test done, which was gross, I had to give a spit sample. Sounded easy enough until the geneticist gave me a bottle of a scope and a small tube. I had to take a mouthful of scope, swish vigorously for 30 seconds, harder than it sounds, spit and repeat. Followed by licking the inside of my cheeks until my mouth filled with spit, gross, twice. The samples were sent to a lab in Utah, apparently this lab, Myraid, has a patent on the BRCA gene so it took 3 weeks to get the results. For 3 weeks I would look at Gabby and just think I would never forgive myself if she had to go through this. Yesterday was the big day, Ryan, Mandy, and I all went up to the good ole Graham to get the results. They took us back and she said we were going to use the conference room this time, I immediately thought to myself this is bad. We sat right down and she got right to the results. NEGATIVE!! No gene mutation detected. She said all my DNA lined up and read in the correct sequence, I had no gene that would cause cancer. That was the biggest sigh of relief I could have felt. There was nothing for Gabby, Maddy or Mandy to worry about now. Finally some good news.
Getting negative results also means a lot for me. My chance of cancer recurring now dropped significantly. I was told if this was genetic I had about an 87% chance of cancer coming back, so with that I would have to have the double mastectomy and my ovaries removed, my cancer is estrogen fueled so the ovaries would help it come back. I now have some things to think about and have a choice in what surgery I get. They said unfortunately, they have no idea why I got cancer. It could have been something as simple as my biology got confused. It only takes 1 cancer cell to turn other cells. It could be the fertility pills I was on back in 2005, it was a risk I was told about before taking them. When you take fertility pills and do not become pregnant on them you increase your chance for breast and cervical cancer, I took the max dose for the max amount of time, which is only 4 months and did not become pregnant. I got pregnant on my own 2 months after taking them. No one can tell why this happened but all I care about is the fact that it was not genetic. Now I can solely focus on the remaining chemo treatments and the surgery, then once this is gone and over it will be over for good. We can put it behind us and move on!
Finding out that this could be genetic was devastating to me. It meant that I was carrier and now anyone in my direct bloodline, Gabby, my niece Maddy, my sister Mandy, Cole, and my nephew Ethan were now at a high risk of developing cancer. For the boys it was not as serious as the girls. It just meant they needed to be screened for prostate cancer a lot sooner than everyone else. For Gabby and Maddy it meant a lot. If I was found to be positive they would need to start getting MRI's (no mammograms for them) at 18 every 6 months. Now, I am not sure about anyone else but MRI's are not fun. Sure you just lay there for 45 mins to an hour but the breast MRI, you have to lay on your stomach with your face in this little cut out on the table or with your head to the side. Not comfortable after 5 mins and the machine is so loud. No 18 year old should have to go through that. It also meant at 25 they would have to decide if they wanted to get preventative mastectomies, have their ovaries removed or just be checked every 6 months. All of these are things that a person that young should never have to decide.
Having the test done, which was gross, I had to give a spit sample. Sounded easy enough until the geneticist gave me a bottle of a scope and a small tube. I had to take a mouthful of scope, swish vigorously for 30 seconds, harder than it sounds, spit and repeat. Followed by licking the inside of my cheeks until my mouth filled with spit, gross, twice. The samples were sent to a lab in Utah, apparently this lab, Myraid, has a patent on the BRCA gene so it took 3 weeks to get the results. For 3 weeks I would look at Gabby and just think I would never forgive myself if she had to go through this. Yesterday was the big day, Ryan, Mandy, and I all went up to the good ole Graham to get the results. They took us back and she said we were going to use the conference room this time, I immediately thought to myself this is bad. We sat right down and she got right to the results. NEGATIVE!! No gene mutation detected. She said all my DNA lined up and read in the correct sequence, I had no gene that would cause cancer. That was the biggest sigh of relief I could have felt. There was nothing for Gabby, Maddy or Mandy to worry about now. Finally some good news.
Getting negative results also means a lot for me. My chance of cancer recurring now dropped significantly. I was told if this was genetic I had about an 87% chance of cancer coming back, so with that I would have to have the double mastectomy and my ovaries removed, my cancer is estrogen fueled so the ovaries would help it come back. I now have some things to think about and have a choice in what surgery I get. They said unfortunately, they have no idea why I got cancer. It could have been something as simple as my biology got confused. It only takes 1 cancer cell to turn other cells. It could be the fertility pills I was on back in 2005, it was a risk I was told about before taking them. When you take fertility pills and do not become pregnant on them you increase your chance for breast and cervical cancer, I took the max dose for the max amount of time, which is only 4 months and did not become pregnant. I got pregnant on my own 2 months after taking them. No one can tell why this happened but all I care about is the fact that it was not genetic. Now I can solely focus on the remaining chemo treatments and the surgery, then once this is gone and over it will be over for good. We can put it behind us and move on!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Inspiration
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain." This is a quote that I saw yesterday that inspired me. It made me stop and think about my current situation. Right now my life is a storm and I am just sitting here waiting for the next treatment to come and go, waiting for the side effects of the last treatment to wear off, waiting for my life to get back to normal. Why isn't my life normal now? Why am I sitting here anticipating each treatment? Why am I dwelling on the side effects of treatment? I need to get up and dance in the rain that is my life. I need to get off my couch and stop waiting. This is still my life and I have the choice to sit here and get by or I can take my life back and say a big "F you" to the treatments and everything that go with them. No one is promised tomorrow, all we can do is live today. These are words that I will now put into action, I, if anyone, has a reason to live each day like its my last. There is no such thing as being "cured" from cancer, you are put into remission. I believe that after x amount of years you can consider yourself cured but once you have cancer you will always live with the thought that at any moment it can come back. Sitting around and worrying is all I used to do and look where that got me. I have zero control over what the cells in my body do but I do have control over what my mind does. From this day forward I am making a promise to myself, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, I will get up each day get dressed and go about my day like I did before, well not exactly like I did before, modified but I will no longer sit around and just be. "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain".
Friday, May 6, 2011
The ugly truth
I was really hoping that chemo number 2 was going to be easier. Well, it has proven that it wants to show up chemo number 1. Today it has been one week and a day since my body was overtaken with toxins and I still am feeling it. Last time I was hopeful that I felt so bad for the entire week because I was in a hospital with a garden hose coming out of my side, well, apparently that awful feeling all week was not my hose buddy but the actual chemo. This sucks! I am not gonna sugar coat things, I have been told "chemo isn't fun but its doable", "you will breeze right through it", "chemo isn't a big deal, I worked the entire time, just missing the day of treatment" either these people were trying to be nice or they are super human. There is no way I would be able to work and do this, now I am a baby when I am sick. Prior to all this cancer nonsense when I had a cold I would complain and be a complete wimp but my goodness when is this going to start getting easier. The effects chemo has on your mouth alone are enough to make me cry, well I cry a lot so let me rephrase that, are enough to make a sane person crazy. My teeth feel like they have a constant coating on them no matter how many times I brush them, my tongue feels like I drank something way too hot and burnt the entire thing, the roof of my mouth feels like sandpaper, and the inside of my cheeks have weird ridges on them. Not to mention anything I try to eat feels like razors going down and has absolutely no taste what so ever. Now, my nose is an entirely different ballgame, I cant breathe through it, so I have to use my mouth and the air makes it dry adding to the list of mouth issues, my nose is so dry that when I spray saline up there and blow it is bleeding. I have to constantly flare my nostrils to break them apart and it hurts. My skin is dry, when I get out of the shower and dry off my skin peels like I have sunburn.The palms of my hands are so sensitive it hurts to open things. I can't wear my contacts and am over my glasses, I have no energy, I feel like an 80 year old, I can't concentrate on things, I get overly emotional, I HATE the way I look, and for 3 days after treatment I feel like I have the flu. So, yeah all these things aside, chemo is a breeze! All I can say is July 21st, which is my last chemo, can not come soon enough.
The port. How can I forget to complain about my lovely port. Words can not express how much I hate this thing. I want it out, I have asked to have it removed, only to be shot down. I must keep it in till July, then my doc will let me get it out and allow me to get the years worth of Herceptin through the veins in my hand. The chemo that I am getting is very hard and toxic on your veins so there is no option. I honestly would rather take my chances with the veins then keep this thing in my body. Not only do I have a "bump" under my skin where the port is located, I have 2 areas where the doc cut me, so now I can add 2 more scars to my body, I am allergic to anything that touches me apparently, so I have little bumps and red spots from where the surgi strips were. The top incscion has a little clear stitch still hanging out and it is a very noticeable area if you look at me. I have to wear v-neck shirts because if something rubs against it is sensitive, so there she is for the whole world to see. To make matters worse when I take deep breaths or move a certain way I can feel the catheter that is hanging out right above my heart pull. It was pulling so bad the other day I went in and had chest xray number 11. I wonder how many really is too many? I went in and saw one of the doc I work for and he said xray was good lung was at 100%, port was in the right place and he gave me an anti-inflammatory to take, well that pill was fun. After 2 doses of it I had such bad abdominal pains that I thought I was in labor. The cramping to the point of not being able to move, breaking out in a sweat, and wishing I was able to get an epidural. I had to stop the medicine and switch over Aleve which works just not as well.
In case anyone was wondering, I am not liking chemo at all. Hopefully, me dreading getting this again on 5/19, 6/9, 6/30, and 7/21 will make the time go by fast. Then I can sit around for a month and starting worrying about surgery. I can't wait to get my life back.
The port. How can I forget to complain about my lovely port. Words can not express how much I hate this thing. I want it out, I have asked to have it removed, only to be shot down. I must keep it in till July, then my doc will let me get it out and allow me to get the years worth of Herceptin through the veins in my hand. The chemo that I am getting is very hard and toxic on your veins so there is no option. I honestly would rather take my chances with the veins then keep this thing in my body. Not only do I have a "bump" under my skin where the port is located, I have 2 areas where the doc cut me, so now I can add 2 more scars to my body, I am allergic to anything that touches me apparently, so I have little bumps and red spots from where the surgi strips were. The top incscion has a little clear stitch still hanging out and it is a very noticeable area if you look at me. I have to wear v-neck shirts because if something rubs against it is sensitive, so there she is for the whole world to see. To make matters worse when I take deep breaths or move a certain way I can feel the catheter that is hanging out right above my heart pull. It was pulling so bad the other day I went in and had chest xray number 11. I wonder how many really is too many? I went in and saw one of the doc I work for and he said xray was good lung was at 100%, port was in the right place and he gave me an anti-inflammatory to take, well that pill was fun. After 2 doses of it I had such bad abdominal pains that I thought I was in labor. The cramping to the point of not being able to move, breaking out in a sweat, and wishing I was able to get an epidural. I had to stop the medicine and switch over Aleve which works just not as well.
In case anyone was wondering, I am not liking chemo at all. Hopefully, me dreading getting this again on 5/19, 6/9, 6/30, and 7/21 will make the time go by fast. Then I can sit around for a month and starting worrying about surgery. I can't wait to get my life back.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Chemo is tough......I am tougher
UGH! Chemo is the devil for sure (or that darn shot the next day is). After I got round two last Thursday, I was feeling pretty good that night. I woke up Friday, still feeling good. I went into the Helen F Graham around 2pm for my 10th chest xray in 3 weeks, probably gonna get some secondary cancer from all that xray exposure! When I was getting the xray done the tech said "girl you are 31, you are too young to have to be going through this and then a collapsed lung too", I responded with "yeah I know". She asked who my surgeon was that hit my lung and when I said Dr. P she was shocked. She said she has seen a lot of collapsed lungs from another surgeons but never him. Her response to finding out who did it was "he must of had an off day", you think! She told me that her niece was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30's as well and Dr. P was her surgeon and she is now cancer free and just had a baby. She joined the long list of people that have confided in me that he is the best surgeon for this situation. It makes me sad to think that so far along my journey every person I have talked to has had a family member or someone close to them affected by breast cancer. There really needs to be better detection for this.
After my xray I headed up to see my thoracic surgeon, Dr. Mulligan, who thinks I am insane. He came into the room and said lung looks good and he wanted to check the tube incision. He moved my shirt only to find a bandage still covering the area. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me the area is closed and healed I did not need a bandage on it, I told him the bandage makes me feel more comfortable and eases my mind that the spot will not open, why it would just magically open, no clue, this is why I drive doctors crazy. He just said whatever makes you comfortable and that I should try a band aid rather than a huge piece of gauze and tape (I have switched over to band aid). Dr. Mulligan said I did not need to return and to "call him if I ever need his services again", no thanks, gonna try and not have to experience that again.
We headed on up to the 3rd floor to see my fellow co-workers and get the dreaded Neulasta shot. This shot helps my body make white blood cells so I don't get sick but sometimes I think I would rather take my chances with bottoming out. The shot is horrible! It gives you such bone pain for a couple days, and the pain is generally confined to your legs. Which me personally, I would rather have aches and pains anywhere besides my legs, it hurts to walk and sit. I got the shot and we headed home. I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday/early Saturday in tears. I was feeling horrible. It was worse than the first time. My entire body hurt and the truck that ran me over several times last go round came back with some friends. I had zero energy, no desire to eat, and this time I was nauseous, like the morning sickness nauseous. I would see a commerical on tv for food and gag, I would take a drink of my water and gag, even the very thought of things made me gag. It was the worst. I had to take my anti-nausea pills, which they took over an hour to kick in! I was living on a round the clock pain pill schedule, I was very hopeful to wake up Sunday feeling a lot better. Didn't happen.
I could not sleep at all Saturday night. For some reason every time I would fall asleep I would be awoken 30 minutes later full of anxiety. I woke up at one point to a heart beat that was so fast I almost woke Ryan up. The sun finally came up and I woke up Ryan. I was crying, shocker, and telling him to remind me that this is worth it, I can do this. He did is job at reassuring me and I calmed down a bit. Now, this particular day was very hard for me, it was my nephew, Ethan's, 9th birthday. Ethan means more to me than I can type, the only thing I did not want was to be sick on his birthday. I have always spent his birthdays with him and I did not want to allow this to take that from me. Unfortunately, in this case it won. Gabby and Cole got to go to the movies with him for his birthday and we did have cake at my house. For some reason this was extremely hard for me. While everyone was singing to him I had to leave the room, I was trying very hard to keep it together but I did not succeed. I wanted to feel good for his day and make sure it was about him. When I went into the living room during singing, Ethan came right in after put his arms around me and said "its ok Aunt Amy, I love you". I am sure you can guess, I cried. I was crying for 2 reasons, 1) I just kept being hit with this terrifying thought this was his last birthday I was going to see and 2) I was heartbroken that I did not get to spend the day with him and that I felt lousy on his day. He is such a caring little boy and I know how hard this is for him. He told me that I did not have to buy him a present that I needed to save all my money for getting better. Ethan was the first born and I SPOILED that kid. When he was born, there was no one else that even compared to him, I think that is why it hits me the hardest with him. I have a hard time keeping it together whenever he hugs me or I see him. I love my Ethan Tyler!
So today is Monday, 4 days after treatment 2, and I still feel yucky. Nothing like I did, just run down and a little achy. The absolute worst part to all this is the effects it has on my mouth and nose. My nose is not bleeding this time, but it is so dry it hurts to breathe. My mouth is dry, like dry dry. It has a funky film and feeling in it and everything again is laced with aluminum foil. Water even tastes disgusting. I have found that Chik-Fil-A's sweet tea tastes somewhat normal. I would love to have sat in my living room all day and felt sorry for myself that I have to go through this 4 more times but luckily for me, my first friend, Sabrina, came over today. Sabrina and I met when we were 2 years old and had been friends our entire lives, unfortunately life changes and people grow apart and that happened to us. We got back in contact a few years ago and I am so glad to have her back in my life. She is a great person and the fact that she has really been there for me means the world to me. I love you Bina!
Could life be easier right now, absolutely. Do I wish this wasn't happening, of course. Will I beat this and become a better person, 100% no doubt in my mind. I am a survivor not a statistic.
After my xray I headed up to see my thoracic surgeon, Dr. Mulligan, who thinks I am insane. He came into the room and said lung looks good and he wanted to check the tube incision. He moved my shirt only to find a bandage still covering the area. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me the area is closed and healed I did not need a bandage on it, I told him the bandage makes me feel more comfortable and eases my mind that the spot will not open, why it would just magically open, no clue, this is why I drive doctors crazy. He just said whatever makes you comfortable and that I should try a band aid rather than a huge piece of gauze and tape (I have switched over to band aid). Dr. Mulligan said I did not need to return and to "call him if I ever need his services again", no thanks, gonna try and not have to experience that again.
We headed on up to the 3rd floor to see my fellow co-workers and get the dreaded Neulasta shot. This shot helps my body make white blood cells so I don't get sick but sometimes I think I would rather take my chances with bottoming out. The shot is horrible! It gives you such bone pain for a couple days, and the pain is generally confined to your legs. Which me personally, I would rather have aches and pains anywhere besides my legs, it hurts to walk and sit. I got the shot and we headed home. I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday/early Saturday in tears. I was feeling horrible. It was worse than the first time. My entire body hurt and the truck that ran me over several times last go round came back with some friends. I had zero energy, no desire to eat, and this time I was nauseous, like the morning sickness nauseous. I would see a commerical on tv for food and gag, I would take a drink of my water and gag, even the very thought of things made me gag. It was the worst. I had to take my anti-nausea pills, which they took over an hour to kick in! I was living on a round the clock pain pill schedule, I was very hopeful to wake up Sunday feeling a lot better. Didn't happen.
I could not sleep at all Saturday night. For some reason every time I would fall asleep I would be awoken 30 minutes later full of anxiety. I woke up at one point to a heart beat that was so fast I almost woke Ryan up. The sun finally came up and I woke up Ryan. I was crying, shocker, and telling him to remind me that this is worth it, I can do this. He did is job at reassuring me and I calmed down a bit. Now, this particular day was very hard for me, it was my nephew, Ethan's, 9th birthday. Ethan means more to me than I can type, the only thing I did not want was to be sick on his birthday. I have always spent his birthdays with him and I did not want to allow this to take that from me. Unfortunately, in this case it won. Gabby and Cole got to go to the movies with him for his birthday and we did have cake at my house. For some reason this was extremely hard for me. While everyone was singing to him I had to leave the room, I was trying very hard to keep it together but I did not succeed. I wanted to feel good for his day and make sure it was about him. When I went into the living room during singing, Ethan came right in after put his arms around me and said "its ok Aunt Amy, I love you". I am sure you can guess, I cried. I was crying for 2 reasons, 1) I just kept being hit with this terrifying thought this was his last birthday I was going to see and 2) I was heartbroken that I did not get to spend the day with him and that I felt lousy on his day. He is such a caring little boy and I know how hard this is for him. He told me that I did not have to buy him a present that I needed to save all my money for getting better. Ethan was the first born and I SPOILED that kid. When he was born, there was no one else that even compared to him, I think that is why it hits me the hardest with him. I have a hard time keeping it together whenever he hugs me or I see him. I love my Ethan Tyler!
So today is Monday, 4 days after treatment 2, and I still feel yucky. Nothing like I did, just run down and a little achy. The absolute worst part to all this is the effects it has on my mouth and nose. My nose is not bleeding this time, but it is so dry it hurts to breathe. My mouth is dry, like dry dry. It has a funky film and feeling in it and everything again is laced with aluminum foil. Water even tastes disgusting. I have found that Chik-Fil-A's sweet tea tastes somewhat normal. I would love to have sat in my living room all day and felt sorry for myself that I have to go through this 4 more times but luckily for me, my first friend, Sabrina, came over today. Sabrina and I met when we were 2 years old and had been friends our entire lives, unfortunately life changes and people grow apart and that happened to us. We got back in contact a few years ago and I am so glad to have her back in my life. She is a great person and the fact that she has really been there for me means the world to me. I love you Bina!
Could life be easier right now, absolutely. Do I wish this wasn't happening, of course. Will I beat this and become a better person, 100% no doubt in my mind. I am a survivor not a statistic.
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