When this nightmare started in March I thought this was going to be the longest summer of my life, oddly enough it has gone by fairly quickly. I attribute being frightened of getting chemotherapy every 3 weeks to the reason why it flew by. I can not wait to get the final round of chemo next week, I am beyond over what it does to me and how it seems to take a little longer each time to bounce fully back. Now that the end of chemo is coming up next week I have started thinking about a lot of things, I have been thinking about surgery, radiation, returning to work, the Herceptin infusion that I will get until next spring, lasting side effects of chemo, and more importantly how do I move on with my life after cancer.
The first time my surgeon said "it is cancer" the second thing out of my mouth after "I don't want to die" was "take both my breasts off, I don't want them". He told me not to try and make any descions right now because he was confident he could remove it all with a lumpectomy after chemo, I was very persistent in telling him I want them off my body. I have now switched gears and am just plain torn and confused on what to do. My situation is a little more complicated than most breast cancers, most breast tumors are a solid mass, nothing with me can be that simple. I do not have a solid mass, I have a 9cm "large area of linear and branching clumped nonmasslike" thing. Since it was not a definite mass it was thought at first to be DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ), which is the very early stages of cancer, almost pre-cancer,with DCIS you typically have it removed and take a pill of 5 years to prevent anything from happening. If DCIS if left untreated it can, over time turn into Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, my diagnosis. Since my area of concern was so large my surgeon biopsied two different spots, one came back IDC, one came back DCIS. The problem then became no one knows exactly how much of what there is, I could have 8 cm of cancer and 1 cm of DCIS or the other way around. The only time that question will be answered is after surgery and they can biopsy the entire area at once. My MRI will give the surgeon a better look at what is there and what he needs to do. I have been doing a lot of research on mastectomies and lumpectomies. There is no statistical evidence that proves one is better than the other, a mastectomy does not increase your chances of survival over a lumpectomy. I am torn at what I should do. People who are not in this situation may say take them off, like I first did, but now after research and talking to different people I really have no idea what I am going to do. I am scared to death of having surgery and would much rather prefer the lumpectomy but I want to be 180% sure that is the right choice. I really do not ever want to go through this again. I trust in my surgeon and I know deep in my heart that he is not going to let me make the wrong choice, he does kind of owe me one. I just don't know how you go into the OR with a set D's on your chest and wake up with nada. Then I would need another entirely separate surgery for implants, and I am told that I can only be given B's after reconstruction, I am fine with that but how do you adjust to all that? I know I am jumping the gun with my thoughts but I like to be prepared and have my mind made up before I even get the MRI or see the surgeon. After surgery I have to have radiation to my chest and just the thought of that makes miserable. I mean sure, after chemotherapy and surgery, radiation is going to be the easy part but I have very sensitive skin, I am allergic to steristrips, tape, anything that touches me makes my skin red and irritate. I can only imagine what radiation is going to do to me. Time will tell.
I am returning to work for a few weeks after my last chemo, I am excited and nervous about this. I will go back to work Aug 2 and work up until I have surgery and then I will go out again. I miss the "normalcy" that comes with getting ready for work, going to work, and coming home but I just hope I am not rushing things. I know that there are plenty of people who work throughout there chemo's but I honestly never could have. On the bright side I will be with my doctor and nurses all day. I have mixed feeling about being in the cancer center all day but that is my place of employment and I love it there so I will re-adjust. It will be good for me to get out of the house a few hours a week and not constantly sit around my house and think about my situation. I just hope that being there full-time again, after surgery, doesn't play against me in moving on with my life. I have an amazing boss who has already told me that she will do whatever I need to make my transition back to work smooth. I know that is true, she has been great to me and my family through all of this and I have a great group of girls behind me. I need to figure out how you move past cancer, I wonder if they offer a class? I am not technically cancer free yet, in my mind and according to my kids I am, but I am trying to get my life back. I was reading a fellow breast cancer survivor's blog today and she said "you have to trust that everything will be ok" and she is right, all I can do now is start thinking about all the things my family is going to do to make up for these lost months. I am ready and excited to start my life again.
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