The truth about the road to recovery

Today I had an appointment with the therapist here at the cancer center. I had seen him while I was going through treatments because lets be honest, I was a mess. He helped me tremendously. He helped me deal with the reality of what I was facing for myself and my kids. The last time I saw him was right before surgery in September of last year. I have been doing very well, or so I thought, since then so there was no need to see him. On Wednesday I had a complete breakdown in my oncologists office, kind of awkward since I work with him too. I told him, ok my friend Maria told him, I was not ok. I was angry, I was telling everyone that I was fine. I was putting on a smile and being the positive person I am supposed to be. He suggested that I go and speak with the therapist again, I was dealing with things that no one could understand and I didn't want people to judge me or think I was ungrateful for this second chance I was given. So, I have learned how to keep most things to myself and constantly say I am fine. It eventually became too much to keep in and it all came flooding out.

I can say that today's appointment was probably one of the best appointments I have had. The things that he was saying to me actually made sense. For the first time I felt like someone truly understood what was going on inside my mind, I felt like someone was being honest and not just sugar coating everything. He asked me about my anger, I told him I was angry. I was angry this happened, I was angry Gabrielle was having a hard time, I was angry that no one understood, and I was angry that I haven't emotionally/mentally "healed" yet. He asked me how I was while at work, I told him oddly enough I am fine. He repeated himself and told me to now answer him honestly. Well, he asked for it. I was not ok at work, actually in the one place where everyone should understand, I feel like no one understands. I feel like for the 6 hours a day that I am there I have to be happy, I have to be positive, I have to say life is great. I feel like I have to do these things for the other cancer patients, I feel like I have to be the poster child for cancer survivors around my co-workers,when in all honesty I want to tell them how much this sucks, how hard it is to move on. He moved forward in his chair, looked right at me and said "I am about to blow your mind with something", not gonna lie I was a little nervous. He said all the posters, pamphlets, motivational speakers, everything that society has put on cancer survivors is complete bullshit. You are expected to be positive at all times, you are expected to always say how grateful you are, you are expected to end chemo/surgery/radiation and instantly transition back into "normal" life again, you are expected to be everything but honest. He was right.

Once you are diagnosed with cancer everyone tells you the same thing. You are strong. You can do this. It's no fun but it's doable. Time will fly by. All these things are truthful but what people leave out is how the road to recovery is more difficult then actually getting the chemo, then actually having surgery. I can't explain it fully unless you have been there. When you are going through chemotherapy you sit in a chair with an IV hooked up to you while toxins are entering your body, those toxins are doing a service to you, no matter how much they suck. When you are getting radiation, again it is doing something positive for you in the long run, even though you get radiation burns. Same thing goes for surgery, its serving a purpose. Once its all over and in my case you had a bilateral mastectomy looking at yourself is a reminder everyday, that will never get easier. I can't not go a day without thinking about it because I have to take my shirt off. Sure I have implants so no one would ever know but I can see the twelve scars. I live everyday in fear that it will come back. Any cancer patient who says they don't just doesn't want to admit to it. I was told that I have an 83% chance of living ten years disease free. Statistically looking at that, I have pretty good odds. The thing is I see the 17% percent. Why would I be in the 83% when I was in the minority to begin with. It was rare for this to happen to me but it did. So in my mind the odds are already stacked against me. Today my therapist told me that I will not ever be that other person again, I will always be the cancer patient and that is not a bad thing. It is the way society has placed a certain image that cancer survivors are supposed to live by. And he was right. I have spoken to other breast cancer patients, I have been there for others while they got chemo, I have tried to tell them all is going to be ok, and it turns out I was just doing to them what everyone has done to me.

Truth be told. This sucks! The road to recovery IS harder then the actual fight. You can't just put it behind you and move on because this will be a part of you forever (how you choose to deal is a personal decision for everyone). Living every day like its the last day you are going to be in remission is a great way to live, it shouldn't have happened in the first place but it did, it's ok to NEVER accept that it was you. It is ok to cry for no reason or cry and not have to make up an excuse. It is ok to have days were you just want to talk about what happened to you, it is ok to accept help and love from others no matter how many months/years you are out for treatment. Most importantly it is ok to not feel like you have it all under control at all times because like my therapist told me today, I dare one person to look me in the eye and tell me I am weak. I dare one person to tell me I don't have the right to still have these feelings. I dare one person to judge me. I am the one that sat in a chair getting chemo, I am the one that had both breasts removed, I am the one who has been radiated. I am the one who literally went to hell and back. I am the one who decides when I am healed, not society.

My feelings

This time of year, October-January, has always been my favorite. I love Halloween, my kids birthdays, Thanksgiving, picking out our Christmas tree, Christmas shopping, Christmas, saying goodbye to another year lived and welcoming a new year (with my birthday). For some reason I am finding this time of year to be difficult this year. Last year I had so much to be thankful for, I made it through 4 months of chemotherapy, major surgery, a hospital stay, and radiation. I was thankful to be cancer free and to be alive and healthy. I am still thankful for those things, I am just finding it very very hard to be motivated to get anything done, I almost feel like I need time to slow down. I need time to wrap my head around certain aspects of my life, I need time to think about the things that I am fearing the most right now.

Being healthy. Am I a picture of health? No. Am I still cancer free? I hope so. The thing is, I haven't been feeling right lately but out of complete fear of what I went through, fearing hearing the word "recurrence", and of course fearing not being here to see Gabby and Cole grow up are something I can't deal with. I have literally been living off Xanax for the past month. I know I should talk to my oncologist about certain things but I can't. After what we just went through (and are still going through) with Gabby, I wouldn't be able to handle if something shows up on a scan. I don't want to think about the possibility of something coming back but when you wake up with headaches, feel tired all the time, can't remember anything to save your life, and feel short of breath for no reason it scares the hell out of you. I have gotten pretty good at keeping all my fears  and "symptoms" to myself. These are things that I haven't even told Ryan about. I think I do this because I honestly don't know what I would do. I can't think about 2011 without having a complete breakdown. I can't think about ever sitting in that chemo chair again, I don't know how I did it the first time around. We also just went to a funeral for Ryan's uncle, who passed away from cancer, that was harder then I thought. Sitting there in the church and seeing his coffin and hearing what the preacher was saying, in my mind I was picturing it being me. Picturing my kids sitting there saying goodbye, imaging Ryan's life with someone else. I know that is twisted. In my heart I feel like I am ok ( at least I pray every night that I am).

Family. I know family business is personal and should be kept in the family. This is my blog and I can write my feelings about anything. This holiday season, I know it just started, is going to be a difficult one. I don't talk to my sister anymore, I don't see my nephew or niece anymore. I honestly never thought that when my journey with cancer was over that I would have lost more then just my hair, boobs, and security of a future. I never thought that I would be "picking up the pieces" of my life and moving on without the one person who was always there. I never thought this is how it was going to be. When it comes to actual family I only have the 3 people that live in my house and my parents. Ryan, my kids, and my parents are the only family that I really have. I know how important family is, I know that Ryan and I would not have survived 2011 and most of 2012, financially, without my parents. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do.

I know today is Thanksgiving and we are all supposed to be happy and enjoying the day with our families.  I am happy, I am enjoying the day with my kids and husband (when he gets home from football of course), I just needed to get those things off my chest.

When you feel helpless...

As anyone who reads this blog knows that I am the proud mommy of two amazing children. My son, Cole, just turned 5 and my daughter, Gabrielle, just turned 6. They were 3 and 4 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Having worked in a cancer center all their lives they already knew what cancer was and how sick it made people. My husband and I have always been very honest with them, we never wanted to feel like we were lying to them, we wanted them to be a part of what was happening and we wanted them to be just as educated on this disease as we were. We told them as soon as I got home from the doctor that I had cancer. It wasn't like a scene out of the movies where the parents keep it to themselves and try and sugar coat everything, it wasn't overly dramatic either. I didn't cry (I think I was still numb myself), I actually don't remember telling them. I know that we told them that night and I do remember that I was trying to put on a brave face for them. I remember them just saying "ok" and going on with their night. I also remember that for the first couple weeks after I was diagnosed Ryan and I would sleep in the living room, I actually slept on my couch for 7 months. I would not sleep at night, I would wait until everyone was asleep and I would sit in the dark and just cry. I would close my eyes to try and sleep but every time I did that I would just end up yelling at God in my mind. A year and a half later and I still can't watch The Nanny on Nick at Night. That show seemed to always be on when I was having a breakdown. As we got more and more information about my cancer and what needed to be done we would tell Gabby and Cole as soon as we found out. Cole, I am not sure if it was because he was 3 or because he is a boy, but he would just say ok or cool. He was very compassionate through it all though. He would spend many hours just sitting with me on the couch or giving me his blankies to hold when I was sad. He also seems to have been able to move past everything and his little life is normal again and he still the same funny, loving Cole that he has always been. Gabrielle, she is a different story, she actually breaks my heart.

Gabrielle is one of the most caring, compassionate, intelligent (sometimes we think she is too intelligent) little girl I have ever seen. She is also her father, she keeps everything to herself, she doesn't like to make people upset, she doesn't like for people to see her upset. When she is sick she won't tell you, when she is scared she won't tell  you, when she feels like she has done something wrong or if she can't fix something she gets upset. I never thought in a million years that 1 and a half years later Gabby would still be secretly dealing with how cancer affected her. Before I was diagnosed Gabby was pretty independent, she would sleep in her own bed, she would do things by herself, she would have play dates with her cousins, she would sit on the floor and watch tv or in the chair. Now, she has never liked to spend the night away from home but she never minded going somewhere for the day. Lately we noticed a big change in her, something that just wasn't Gabby. Gabby loves school and she suddenly refuses to go, she cries and says her tummy hurts and she needs to stay home, every night she asks me about 20 times if she can sleep in my bed with me or if I can sleep in her bed with her,when she does go to bed she just lays there and cries, when we are home together wherever I am, she is right there. When I am watching tv she is literally sitting on one of my legs. If I go to the store she wants to go with me. Every morning when I get up at 6:20 to get in the shower she is right there sitting in the bathroom, she follows me downstairs, she walks me to the door every morning. I wish I could stick my text thread from Ryan on here, every morning when I am driving to work I get at least 5 text messages and they always say the same thing, "I love you mommy from Gabby". I will admit that at times all these just constantly being next to me all the time have frustrated me and I have told her to please walk away, give me some space. Well, in the past week things have gone from bad to worse. Our dog got really sick, thank god we were able to put him on some meds and see how it goes, ever since that day Gabby won't go to school. She cries and refuses. I know she cries at school and gets upset because according to her "i miss my mommy", Ryan and I have always just figured that since we don't sit around and talk about cancer anymore because it is not an active part of our lives that everyone was ok. The other night, after her being home for 8 straight days, I got frustrated. I sat Gabrielle down and I told her that this was unacceptable, there was plenty of times that I didn't want to go to work but I had to go. There were many times I wanted to stay up late but I knew I had to go to bed early. I told her I didn't know what was going on with her and she needed to talk to me and tell me what was going on because mommy can't fix it if I don't know. Well, needless to say she lost it. What she told me felt like a bigger punch in the stomach then hearing "you have cancer". I picked her up and said "Gabby, what is going on? Did something happen at school?" in between sobs she said "no, I am scared because you had cancer", I reassured her that mommy was better now and that the cancer is gone, no reason to be sad. She kept going, she told me that when I was sick she was very scared I was going to go to heaven but she didn't want to make me more sad, she said she gets scared that if she is at school and the cancer comes back she doesn't know what will happen, she said that when she can see me and she knows that I am ok that makes her ok. The absolute worst part was when my 6 year old looked me in the eyes and said "I am sad that I couldn't fix you". Ugh, talk about losing it. I realized that at that point Gabby needs to talk to someone and finally get out everything that she is feeling.

All of this is just one more reason on the ever growing list to HATE cancer. I feel so hopeless because I can't help her. I can't make this all better. She is way to little to carry around this much sadness. Gabby has a very special gift and I know in my heart that all of this is going to make her become something amazing in life. I feel like she is going to grow up and be a doctor. Baby girl, I love you more then you will ever know and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. If I could make all this go away I would.