So much has happened since my last blog. Our computer broke, my friend Wendy has lent me hers, so I have not been able to blog. It is funny because not being able to write out everything I am feeling has made these past weeks difficult. In the past weeks I have completed chemo number 4, participated in Relay for Life, seen my therapist 4 times, and am starting to get ready for surgery. I will try and remember the details of things that have happened but it has been a while for some things.
On June 3, 2011 Amy's Army participated in the Elkton Relay for Life. Together as a team we raised $1,168.00 for the American Cancer Society. Our team had 30 people and I could never thank each and every person that was there that night. The experience of relay was encouraging, emotional, and tiring. It was an overnight event but at 2:00am we decided to pack up and head home, it was freezing cold and everything was dewy which made it worse. Throughout the night the object was to keep one team member walking the track at all times, there were different themes for the walks which made them more interesting then just walking in a circle over and over. At 9:00pm when it was dark it was time for the candlelight walk, this is when things got emotional. The bleachers at the high school were lit with candles that spelled out "Hope", and the track was lined with luminary bags that had either "in memory of" or "in honor of", I had 2 bags with my name on them and seeing them lit during the walk made for a teary walk. I walked the track during this part arm in arm my with sister and my niece. When we got back to our "campsite" my niece, who is only 7, broke down. She wrapped her arms around my waist and was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she got hurt so I asked her "Maddy what happened", she responded to me with "please don't die Aunt Amy, I don't want you to die". I had no words, I just hugged her back and cried. She kept saying over and over "please don't die". I stood there and held her in my arms for a few minutes and we cried together, after I was able to get myself together I took her face in my hands, wiped her tears and said "Maddy, I PROMISE you that Aunt Amy is not going to die. I have way too much to live for, I have you, Ethan, Gabby, and Cole and I will be here to see you all of you grow up, I promise Maddy." We walked over to one of our tables to get tissues and she hugged me again and was still crying. I told her I would never break a promise to her, and that on her wedding day I was going to remind her of that moment, when I promised her I would beat this if for no one else but her. That was the very first time I saw my diagnosis affect someone. My family and friends have been unbelievably strong through all of this. I have not seen anyone cry, Ryan did the night I was diagnosed, but other than night not one person has shown me they were scared. Maddy was the very first person to make me stop and see how this was weighing on her and it broke my heart. From that point on I have a new reason to fight hard, I have to fight for my kids and my husband, I have to fight for myself but more importantly to me now I have to fight for Madison. My kids are not old enough to really know what cancer means, yes they know mommy has breast cancer, they know she takes medicine that makes her sick, they know she has to get surgery and have her breasts removed, but they don't know what the scary sides of cancer are, they don't sit around and contemplate what horrible things could happen but it is clear to me now that Madison does, I wish she didn't have to go through this more than I wish I didn't. She actually said to me a few weeks ago "when I was a baby and would cry you would always make me feel better, I wish I could make you all better" she always knows how to make me cry! Relay was an experience that I will never forget and I can not wait to participate next year as a 1 year survivor!
Chemo number 4 was on June 9th, which was also my sister's b-day. I can happily report that chemo 4 was the first time I did not cry while sitting in the chemo chair. Wendy brought an ice cream cake so we could celebrate my sisters b-day and Ryan, my mom, Wendy, and Mandy all played cards and waited for the time to pass. I did not join them in cards this time because apparently while I have all those meds running through me I cheat. So I sat back and chatted with co-workers and my nurse Dawn. Time always seems to go by pretty quickly while back there, probably not for everyone else but I am always shocked when the last bag goes up and it has been 4 hours. I will say that this time and the last time I became nauseous during the last medicine and that the nausea lasts until Saturday. This time the side effects were not as bad as the last 3 but they did seem to last longer. I would probably rather be really sick for 2 days and get it over with than have it drag out over almost 2 weeks. I was also fortunate enough to end up with a kidney infection after this chemo. I am so glad I have only 2 more left, one next Thursday 6/30 and then the final chemo on 7/21. I have an MRI scheduled for 7/28 at 8:00am and then I will see my surgeon, Dr.Pahnke, who by the way I miss, that same day at 4:00. We will discuss the results of the MRI and what surgery options I have and when it will take place. Having all these things scheduled makes me feel like the end is finally approaching.
Finally my therapist, I think he truly believes I am insane! He has helped me tremendously though, he is very straight forward and the first time I saw him he asked what I was having the biggest problem with, I told him that I could possibly die and not be here for my kids. I thought he would respond with that is not going to happen but instead he said "yes, that is a possibility". Uh ok. He told me that the only way I will be at ease with death and leaving my children behind was to write them each a letter, something they will always have in case this ended bad. I tried, really tried to write those letters but I was not able to do it. Sitting down and saying good-bye and what I hoped Gabby and Cole had in life and things I wanted to make sure they knew was gut wrenching. All I could do was sob. I told him I could not do that and he told me to write lists then, lists of what I hoped they would become or things I wanted them understand in life, he said these lists are always good to have even if a parent is not sick, so I was able to write down things I want for each of them. For example I want them to be good people, to be honest, to follow their hearts with everything they do, never give up, and always always know that no matter what happens in life they always have a place to come home to and they always have a strong support system behind them. I am getting better with my emotions, I generally only cry once a day now compared to the once and hour I was crying before. I am trying now to not dwell on the fact that I have cancer but it is hard, cancer is on my mind all the time. I am excited to have my surgery and wake up to hear Dr.Pahnke tell me that I am cancer free, once that happens I will be able to stop obsessing over all this and hopefully start to get my life back.
So on my list of things to do this summer, finish chemo, get MRI, have surgery and then begin radiation. Once radiation is done I will start the pill Tamoxifen for 5 years and Amy's Army will be preparing for the breast cancer walk in October. Everything has really been going by fast and I can not believe I am down to the final 2 chemo treatments!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Getting it all out
I decided to start this blog, with the encouragement from my brother-in-law, Matt. He said it helps to get things out and share your story, it has helped me a lot. I have tried to be as honest as possible while writing this blog and the days that I feel confident and good I want to write it down so when I have bad days I can go back and re-read them and remember those strong feelings of positivity. Well, if I am going to stay true to my feelings, it is getting harder and harder to find the positive. Maybe it is because I am getting further and further into treatment and each round seems to bring on new side effects, maybe it is because when you feel like a mac truck has run you over and there is an elephant sitting on your chest it is hard to be positive, and maybe just maybe because I am 31 and dealing with cancer I am finding it hard to be positive. I want to be able to fully believe that I am going to beat this and be here for many years. In my case working at the cancer center for so long has had a negative impact on me. I have seen what happens, I see what the patients have gone through, the person getting their last treatment only to discover that it has spread to somewhere else. I have seen the girl my age with small kids lose her battle, I have seen mothers, fathers, husbands, and wives sit at my desk and cry because they have to let their loved one go due to the cancer. These are all fears I can not get rid of. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and ask why me? why now? I am haunted by the fact that if something were to happen to me my kids would not remember me, that life will go on. Everyone has their own way of "dealing" I just wish I could find my way and stick with it. Having very bad anxiety is also not helping me any. I find it very hard to go to the positive place when I am so used to going to the negative. I have taken the advice of co-workers and other cancer fighters and have decided to seek the help of a professional. I have seen therapists before and I am very hopeful that the cancer center psychologist will be able to offer me some relief from the terrifying images, thoughts, and the reality of what I am dealing it.
I knew going into this that this was going to be the fight of my life but, no one can really prepare you for what emotions and psychological effects you experience. Each treatment brings new fears, new feelings, I really thought being halfway done with chemo I would feel much better. I guess each time you get toxins infused into your body, your body gets a little angrier at you. I am going to try and stay positive and remember that I am 31 and otherwise healthy and doing everything possible to save my life.
I knew going into this that this was going to be the fight of my life but, no one can really prepare you for what emotions and psychological effects you experience. Each treatment brings new fears, new feelings, I really thought being halfway done with chemo I would feel much better. I guess each time you get toxins infused into your body, your body gets a little angrier at you. I am going to try and stay positive and remember that I am 31 and otherwise healthy and doing everything possible to save my life.
Friday, May 20, 2011
3 down 3 to go and reality has hit....hard
So yesterday was the big day, chemo round 3, halfway finished with the poison. Of course, I was frightened beyond belief to get the meds, as soon as I went in and saw my doc and asked my list of questions, which I will get to in a bit, I was sent back to the treatment room. Don't you know the second I am walking through the door a person sitting in a chemo chair directly on the other side of my personal suite started having a reaction to their 3rd time Taxotere! Great, I was there for my 3rd but, I must say those nurses work quickly and they got the situation under control fast. Did it really have to happen right outside my curtain though, I was already nervous. I sat in my chair, unpacked my chemo bag to find what goodies my kiddies packed this time, I had Gabby's purple Tinkerbell blanket, her ducky, and Cole had packed Mr. Blue this time. I had about 15 blow pops and a few Dora books. One of my friends at work, Kellie, had just returned from Disney and she brought me back a little mickey and minnie to stick on my fridge as a constant reminder that we will be there soon celebrating, she also brought me back a pink bracelet that has the words courage and mickey ears on it. I love it, it could not have been better timing. I had just written yesterday before treatment that I was having a hard time finding my courage, well Kell found it for me! My doc decided to change my anti nausea med around since last time I was really sick after, so this new addition took an additional 30 mins to run. I asked Dawn, my strength on chemo days, if she would run the Taxotere slow again, remember this is the med I am petrified of, she told me yes. I think I got more Ativan and Benadryl this time or something cause I was high as a kite. The first time I was high, second time just a bit loopy 3rd time HIGH. I was saying things and just completely in my own world. About an hour, who knows the actual time length, I was high, Dawn said "guess I can let the cat out of the bag now", mmmmhhh what cat would that be? She calmly said "I ran your Taxotere and full speed and you did great", thank God I did not know that prior, see that is why I love her. She knows me and she gets my anxiety, she kept a good eye on me and did what she knew was safe and I made it through. She said I am out of the woods for the remaining treatments, that eases my mind a bit. Leeann, my other strength, and Dawn took turns sitting in there and keeping me calm and just going above what they need to do. There is no way I would make it through chemo without them. When my infusion was finished we got up to leave the spins kicked in. After a few hours at home I was feeling better and we decided to run out and grab some Chilli's take out...big mistake! After my chicken/beef fajitas I became nauseous and it has yet to leave. Mental note, no fajitas after chemo.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
Back to my doc appointment, now don't get me wrong, I love my doc, he is great, I have complete faith in him and I know he is doing all he can. I just hate how doctors treat you like a statistic, I am not a number, I am Amy Lynn Minsker. I understand that cancer is the expectation, it is not black and white, it is not clear cut. That is what is making this so hard on me. I like to be in control, I like to know the answers, I need to be told what the outcome is, and with cancer I can not have any of those things. I asked him if I was going to see my kids grow up and I get told well we looked at the statistics, EFF the statistics, in your honest opinion you have seen this before yes or no. I do understand that he knows me on a personal level too, I work for the man, and he may want to shield me from some answers but I need to know. He did tell me that as long as it does not leave the breast, I am curable. That gives me mixed feelings, relief that I am potentially curable but scared out of mind that it spreads while on treatment. I told him that fear, and he said with the type of cancer I have we are being as aggressive as possible, the most aggressive form of chemo, surgery, radiation, and then a pill for 5 years. I find comfort in knowing that I am doing everything possible to try and secure my future. The only problem is, prior to all this I have never been a positive person, so trying to figure out how to stay positive is a task for me. I asked him about surgery and he said he feels the most comfortable and strongest about the mastectomy, since I had a 9cm area, that is a large amount of tissue that needs to come out plus my surgeon would have to get a great area of clear tissue around that, which would reduce the left side so then the right would have to be reduced and mastectomy will probably be the most reassuring for me. Again, only time will tell, I will get another MRI in late July and that will show exactly what is left after chemo. He also told me, after another exam, these girls are getting some attention lately, that I am having an excellent response to chemo, that is great news.
The reality has finally hit. I told my doc that I seem to be more emotional these days and he said that will happen, you go through phases. I am no longer in shock and the "excitement" if you will has worn off. I went from finding out I had cancer to getting 9 tests, a biopsy, chemo, surgery, and a week long hospital stay in 2 weeks, to getting chemo again and then nothing, just sitting around and waiting for the effects to wear off. In my spare time reality has come fast and strong. I now sit and think who will kiss their boo-boos if mommy isn't here, who will mend their broken hearts when they are teenagers, who will dance will Cole at his wedding, who will make sure Gabby and Cole know just how amazing they are and that they can be and do anything they want? I don't know if having 2 small kids makes going through this even harder, I can't seem to get through a day without hugging them very tight and making sure they know how much mommy loves them and how I am so sorry this is happening. Before this happened I was not a religious person at all, not sure I am now, but I do find myself praying, no pleading, everyday for my life and to please not take me from my babies. All I want is to be here for them, I want to know who they marry, how many kids they have, and see how beautiful they turn out. These are the hardest things for me. I will always fight for them no matter how I am feeling.
So if we consider chemo day, day 1 it is now day 2 and feel a little crappy today, normally I feel good on day 2 but I guess the fajiatas were the kicker this time.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Third time is a charm....right?
"Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others"-Winston Churchill
I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.
I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.
It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;
The Day Before
12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids
Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.
Chemo Day
12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.
The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.
T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.
I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.
I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.
It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;
The Day Before
12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids
Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.
Chemo Day
12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.
The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.
T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Nothing to do with cancer
Before all this began I worked full time, Mon-Fri 8:00 to 4:30 at the cancer center and my husband worked 2nd shift, 3:30 to 12:00am. We never saw each other except for on the weekends, he took the 2nd shift position so we would not have to put our babies in daycare. I would always come home from work and complain because the dishes were not done, the toys were all over the living room, and just bitch about how easy he has it during the day and how stay at home moms have the life. They get to get up whenever, do as they please all do and how dare they complain about how tough their day was. Well, I could not have been more wrong! I love my kiddies with every single piece of everything I have but they are a full time job! On the days that I start feeling better I try and get the house cleaned and the laundry caught up, impossible with a 3 and 4 year old. Just as I get one room clear of toys, floor swept and fingerprints cleaned off of windows they turn around and mess it back up again, it is a never ending cycle. Just a few days ago I gathered all the laundry went down to the basement put the clothes in the washer and came back upstairs to find them standing on either ends of the couch pecking, like chickens, at a huge mound of cocoa pebbles that they dumped all over the couch. Now, for some reason Ryan and I thought it was a good idea to by cream colored couches with little kids. I now had cream and chocolate couches. I looked at them and just said "it would be best if the two of you went into rooms and did not come back out" Gabby asked "for how long" I responded with "probably all day". Well missy put her hands on her hips and replied with "you are going to a birthday party at noon so I know its not all day" gotta love 4 year old girls.
Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to cooking, I am not the best by any means. Yesterday, the kids wanted bagel bites for lunch, bagel bites, no problem. Put them in the oven, 15 mins later I served them to the kids. Gabby said "mommy you should probably just stick to getting better and let daddy cook" umm thanks Gabs. Kids really do say anything and they don't care. Ryan came home one day last week and asked Cole how is day was and he said "umm you know, mommy cried, blah blah blah" so glad I am not annoying them yet. I absolutely have a new respect for moms that stay home, it is a hard job.
I used to be so excited for October because it meant that all cancer treatment will be behind me and I will start my second chance but now I am looking forward to also going back to work! I love you Gabby and Cole but you are tiring! Oh, and if I am asked "why" or if I hear "I can't my knees hurt", "I am too tired to put my toys away" "I don't wanna" or "no" one more time I may take a vacation to the nearest nut hut.
Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to cooking, I am not the best by any means. Yesterday, the kids wanted bagel bites for lunch, bagel bites, no problem. Put them in the oven, 15 mins later I served them to the kids. Gabby said "mommy you should probably just stick to getting better and let daddy cook" umm thanks Gabs. Kids really do say anything and they don't care. Ryan came home one day last week and asked Cole how is day was and he said "umm you know, mommy cried, blah blah blah" so glad I am not annoying them yet. I absolutely have a new respect for moms that stay home, it is a hard job.
I used to be so excited for October because it meant that all cancer treatment will be behind me and I will start my second chance but now I am looking forward to also going back to work! I love you Gabby and Cole but you are tiring! Oh, and if I am asked "why" or if I hear "I can't my knees hurt", "I am too tired to put my toys away" "I don't wanna" or "no" one more time I may take a vacation to the nearest nut hut.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The saga continues
Last week, after getting the negative genetic results, I have been on a mission to try and figure out why I got cancer. Now no one can tell you exactly why you develop cancer but not knowing doesn't sit well with me. Trust me, I have done my research on Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and I know all the facts, this could not be sporadic. Who at 31 just gets cancer, there is a reason this happened and I have been replaying everything in my life that could have caused this to occur. I grew up, until 11, in Salem New Jersey, not the best place to grow up but not long enough around the chemicals of the power plant to cause this. I have never smoked and I don't drink. I don't have the healthiest eating habits nor do I exercise enough but at 31 I don't believe I would develop cancer from that. Everything I have read about pregnancies is if you have a baby before 35 it lowers your risk of developing breast cancer, well I had 2 babies in less than 1 year! That didn't make any sense to me either. I started looking into medications, I have always refused to take meds so I thought I was pretty good on that, the only medicine that I took religiously was Clomid, a fertility pill, I started looking into that, called the pharmaceutical company that makes Clomid and was told there was a direct link, great.
Ryan and I got married on November 8, 2003 and in May of 2004 I found out I was pregnant. A little earlier then we had planned for kids, I wasn't really excited to be pregnant at that point. Everything seemed to be going ok, morning sickness check, tiredness check, I was def pregnant. We went for our first baby appointment was told everything was on schedule and had an ultrasound scheduled. The ultrasound was scheduled for June 24, 2004, I went in the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and didn't really say anything, I didn't get to look at the screen and see a baby, nothing. I was told everything looks normal, you are 7 weeks, I was told it was too early to really see anything and sent home. Once I got home I called my doc and said I needed to be reassured, the tech really scared me. My doc called back and said the ultrasound looked normal for being 7 weeks, she said they couldn't see a heartbeat but it was still early. Thinking everything was fine we went on with our lives. July 3, 2004 started out like any other day, by that afternoon I was not feeling well. I had cramps and just felt like something was wrong, I called my OB she said not to worry that could be normal for early pregnancy, ok, what did I know, I was 24 and figured the OB knew what she was talking about. I went to bed that night still feeling bad, I woke up the next morning July 4th in pain and I knew something was wrong, I called my doc right away and was told by the on call doc that since I was now 8 weeks along I was probably having a miscarriage. I was not instructed to go to the hospital, just to "ride it out", that is a whole different blog right there. After everything happened I realized how much I really did want that baby. I was devastated and we decided to start trying again ASAP. We tried, unsuccessfully, for 1 year. At the 1 year point, August of 2005, I switched docs, and we were given the fertility pill Clomid. I was told that I could only take it for a max of 4 months because I was taking the highest dose. I was also told that taking fertility pills and NOT becoming pregnant COULD increase your chances of developing cancer later in life. I did not care, I wanted a baby. I started the pills that August and completed 4 months of emotional/mood swing hell. December of 2005 was my last go round, it was unsuccessful, no pregnancy, we were sent to a reproductive doctor, who might I add was amazing. Dr. Kovelevsky did some tests on both of us and everything was normal, no problems. We decided that since the fertility pills did not work we would move onto the next step, IUD, we were scheduled to have this procedure done on March 6, 2006. I had to to take so many different pills and shots prior to the procedure, on March 3, which is also Ryan's birthday, I went into to have some blood work done and went to work. About an hour after my blood work Dr. Kovelesky called me and said I needed to come back and get an ultrasound. I went over to his office and was told my levels were very elevated and that the pregnancy test they did was positive! How could that be? They did the ultrasound and again I was about 6 weeks, I needed to come back in a week and see if the baby had a heartbeat. That was the longest week of my life. My sister, Ryan and I went back one week later and had the ultrasound, there was a student nurse there that day and in a tiny exam room was Ryan, Mandy, the ultrasound tech, physician assistant, and student nurse. I was so nervous I could not think straight, as soon as the ultrasound began I was frantically searching the screen but I could not see anything. The tech asked "do you see that little thing that looks like rice jumping, well that is your baby's heartbeat", she turned the volume on the machine on and we could hear it. There was not a dry eye in that room. FINALLY, we were going to have our family and it happened naturally. On October 30, 2006, one day past her due date, Gabrielle Ryan entered the world. Everything was perfect, we could not have been happier. We had decided that since it took so long and was such a process that she was going to be our only one. We were not going through that fertility nightmare again, someone had other plans. Since I never really had a "regular cycle" my OB wanted to do blood work 8 weeks after Gabby was born, I went in for the blood work not ever expecting to get the call I got. The next morning, at work, my OB called and said he had my results and I was pregnant. No, I just had a baby 8 weeks ago. My exact words to him were "shut up" he started talking and I was crying. I had no clue what he was saying, now I had just gone back to work and sitting at my desk with co-workers around me thinking my husband was in a horrible accident, that is how hard I was crying. I hung up with my doctor and one co-worker said "your pregnant aren't you", I shook my head yes and she laughed! I had to call Ryan and tell him, Ryan likes to prank people, he pulled a very mean April Fools joke on me a few back that involved fake police and hospitals, it was bad. So I decided, the day before I found out I was pregnant again, to call him at work and tell him I was pregnant. He freaked, I thought it was funny. Now I had to call him and tell him I wasn't joking. It took a while to accept that fact that baby 2 would be here before Gabby had her first birthday, I was not at ease with it all until we had a 4D ultrasound done, when I saw him on the screen sucking his thumb, I felt calm. On October 4, 2007 Cole William joined and completed our family.
I never thought in a million years that 3 very short years later I would be battling cancer. I wish I could go back in time and know that the Clomid would not work, I might not be where I am right now. The hardest part for me is still nighttime and will always be Gabby and Cole. I am plagued with the thought of them not having a mommy. It is something I can not get past. It is not fair to them. Cole told me yesterday "mommy I need to tell you something" I said "ok bubba what", he said "don't cry but I really miss your hair". Of course I cried and hugged him and just said "me too". He told my sister a couple of weeks ago if he had a magic wand he would make everything "normal" again. I don't exactly know why but, round 2 has been the hardest, emotionally on me. I find myself crying every night, even after my nightly Xanax. I am so afraid of the unknown. I know that I will not be 100% at ease until I wake up from surgery and hear the doc say he got it all, the cancer is gone. I guess I just need to be reassured that the words remission and surviving still apply to me.
Today is Monday, kiddies had their first t-ball game tonight, what a great distraction for me and them. It was so nice to see them running around and being happy. I am dreading chemo number 3 on Thursday, I really am hoping and praying that this round is a little easier. After Thursday I will be halfway done with posion and one day closer to having this port removed.
Ryan and I got married on November 8, 2003 and in May of 2004 I found out I was pregnant. A little earlier then we had planned for kids, I wasn't really excited to be pregnant at that point. Everything seemed to be going ok, morning sickness check, tiredness check, I was def pregnant. We went for our first baby appointment was told everything was on schedule and had an ultrasound scheduled. The ultrasound was scheduled for June 24, 2004, I went in the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and didn't really say anything, I didn't get to look at the screen and see a baby, nothing. I was told everything looks normal, you are 7 weeks, I was told it was too early to really see anything and sent home. Once I got home I called my doc and said I needed to be reassured, the tech really scared me. My doc called back and said the ultrasound looked normal for being 7 weeks, she said they couldn't see a heartbeat but it was still early. Thinking everything was fine we went on with our lives. July 3, 2004 started out like any other day, by that afternoon I was not feeling well. I had cramps and just felt like something was wrong, I called my OB she said not to worry that could be normal for early pregnancy, ok, what did I know, I was 24 and figured the OB knew what she was talking about. I went to bed that night still feeling bad, I woke up the next morning July 4th in pain and I knew something was wrong, I called my doc right away and was told by the on call doc that since I was now 8 weeks along I was probably having a miscarriage. I was not instructed to go to the hospital, just to "ride it out", that is a whole different blog right there. After everything happened I realized how much I really did want that baby. I was devastated and we decided to start trying again ASAP. We tried, unsuccessfully, for 1 year. At the 1 year point, August of 2005, I switched docs, and we were given the fertility pill Clomid. I was told that I could only take it for a max of 4 months because I was taking the highest dose. I was also told that taking fertility pills and NOT becoming pregnant COULD increase your chances of developing cancer later in life. I did not care, I wanted a baby. I started the pills that August and completed 4 months of emotional/mood swing hell. December of 2005 was my last go round, it was unsuccessful, no pregnancy, we were sent to a reproductive doctor, who might I add was amazing. Dr. Kovelevsky did some tests on both of us and everything was normal, no problems. We decided that since the fertility pills did not work we would move onto the next step, IUD, we were scheduled to have this procedure done on March 6, 2006. I had to to take so many different pills and shots prior to the procedure, on March 3, which is also Ryan's birthday, I went into to have some blood work done and went to work. About an hour after my blood work Dr. Kovelesky called me and said I needed to come back and get an ultrasound. I went over to his office and was told my levels were very elevated and that the pregnancy test they did was positive! How could that be? They did the ultrasound and again I was about 6 weeks, I needed to come back in a week and see if the baby had a heartbeat. That was the longest week of my life. My sister, Ryan and I went back one week later and had the ultrasound, there was a student nurse there that day and in a tiny exam room was Ryan, Mandy, the ultrasound tech, physician assistant, and student nurse. I was so nervous I could not think straight, as soon as the ultrasound began I was frantically searching the screen but I could not see anything. The tech asked "do you see that little thing that looks like rice jumping, well that is your baby's heartbeat", she turned the volume on the machine on and we could hear it. There was not a dry eye in that room. FINALLY, we were going to have our family and it happened naturally. On October 30, 2006, one day past her due date, Gabrielle Ryan entered the world. Everything was perfect, we could not have been happier. We had decided that since it took so long and was such a process that she was going to be our only one. We were not going through that fertility nightmare again, someone had other plans. Since I never really had a "regular cycle" my OB wanted to do blood work 8 weeks after Gabby was born, I went in for the blood work not ever expecting to get the call I got. The next morning, at work, my OB called and said he had my results and I was pregnant. No, I just had a baby 8 weeks ago. My exact words to him were "shut up" he started talking and I was crying. I had no clue what he was saying, now I had just gone back to work and sitting at my desk with co-workers around me thinking my husband was in a horrible accident, that is how hard I was crying. I hung up with my doctor and one co-worker said "your pregnant aren't you", I shook my head yes and she laughed! I had to call Ryan and tell him, Ryan likes to prank people, he pulled a very mean April Fools joke on me a few back that involved fake police and hospitals, it was bad. So I decided, the day before I found out I was pregnant again, to call him at work and tell him I was pregnant. He freaked, I thought it was funny. Now I had to call him and tell him I wasn't joking. It took a while to accept that fact that baby 2 would be here before Gabby had her first birthday, I was not at ease with it all until we had a 4D ultrasound done, when I saw him on the screen sucking his thumb, I felt calm. On October 4, 2007 Cole William joined and completed our family.
I never thought in a million years that 3 very short years later I would be battling cancer. I wish I could go back in time and know that the Clomid would not work, I might not be where I am right now. The hardest part for me is still nighttime and will always be Gabby and Cole. I am plagued with the thought of them not having a mommy. It is something I can not get past. It is not fair to them. Cole told me yesterday "mommy I need to tell you something" I said "ok bubba what", he said "don't cry but I really miss your hair". Of course I cried and hugged him and just said "me too". He told my sister a couple of weeks ago if he had a magic wand he would make everything "normal" again. I don't exactly know why but, round 2 has been the hardest, emotionally on me. I find myself crying every night, even after my nightly Xanax. I am so afraid of the unknown. I know that I will not be 100% at ease until I wake up from surgery and hear the doc say he got it all, the cancer is gone. I guess I just need to be reassured that the words remission and surviving still apply to me.
Today is Monday, kiddies had their first t-ball game tonight, what a great distraction for me and them. It was so nice to see them running around and being happy. I am dreading chemo number 3 on Thursday, I really am hoping and praying that this round is a little easier. After Thursday I will be halfway done with posion and one day closer to having this port removed.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
American Cancer Society
The American Society is having 2 events that are close to my heart and that I will be participating in. One is the Relay for Life event being held on June 3 at Elkton High School. We have created a small team, Amy's Army, that will be participating in the festivities, if anyone would like to join our team or donate to the American Cancer Society please visit, http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11SA/156421503?pg=team&fr_id=33338&team_id=964932. Any donations or members are appreciated.
The big one. On October 23, 2011 we will also be walking in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer in Wilmington. This walk means a lot to me and will hold a special meaning. By the time this walk comes around I will have completed all chemotherapy treatments, went through surgery, and be done with radiation. This walk will symbolize the end of this journey and the taking back of my life. In this walk when I cross the finish line, I will be able to cross and say that I am a survivor. We have created a team as well to walk in this event, Amy's Army, if you would like to join this team or donate towards ending breast cancer please visit http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=964145&pg=team&fr_id=36193, and join us in helping women celebrate more birthdays.
Thank you to all that participate, donate, or even just read the information. Every penny a person donates, every little piece of knowledge a person gets will help to finally end this disease and never make another woman suffer.
The big one. On October 23, 2011 we will also be walking in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer in Wilmington. This walk means a lot to me and will hold a special meaning. By the time this walk comes around I will have completed all chemotherapy treatments, went through surgery, and be done with radiation. This walk will symbolize the end of this journey and the taking back of my life. In this walk when I cross the finish line, I will be able to cross and say that I am a survivor. We have created a team as well to walk in this event, Amy's Army, if you would like to join this team or donate towards ending breast cancer please visit http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?team_id=964145&pg=team&fr_id=36193, and join us in helping women celebrate more birthdays.
Thank you to all that participate, donate, or even just read the information. Every penny a person donates, every little piece of knowledge a person gets will help to finally end this disease and never make another woman suffer.
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