Getting it all out

I decided to start this blog, with the encouragement from my brother-in-law, Matt. He said it helps to get things out and share your story, it has helped me a lot. I have tried to be as honest as possible while writing this blog and the days that I feel confident and good I want to write it down so when I have bad days I can go back and re-read them and remember those strong feelings of positivity. Well, if I am going to stay true to my feelings, it is getting harder and harder to find the positive. Maybe it is because I am getting further and further into treatment and each round seems to bring on new side effects, maybe it is because when you feel like a mac truck has run you over and there is an elephant sitting on your chest it is hard to be positive, and maybe just maybe because I am 31 and dealing with cancer I am finding it hard to be positive. I want to be able to fully believe that I am going to beat this and be here for many years. In my case working at the cancer center for so long has had a negative impact on me. I have seen what happens, I see what the patients have gone through, the person getting their last treatment only to discover that it has spread to somewhere else. I have seen the girl my age with small kids lose her battle, I have seen mothers, fathers, husbands, and wives sit at my desk and cry because they have to let their loved one go due to the cancer. These are all fears I can not get rid of. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and ask why me? why now? I am haunted by the fact that if something were to happen to me my kids would not remember me, that life will go on. Everyone has their own way of "dealing" I just wish I could find my way and stick with it. Having very bad anxiety is also not helping me any. I find it very hard to go to the positive place when I am so used to going to the negative. I have taken the advice of co-workers and other cancer fighters and have decided to seek the help of a professional. I have seen therapists before and I am very hopeful that the cancer center psychologist will be able to offer me some relief from the terrifying images, thoughts, and the reality of what I am dealing it.

I knew going into this that this was going to be the fight of my life but, no one can really prepare you for what emotions and psychological effects you experience. Each treatment brings new fears, new feelings, I really thought being halfway done with chemo I would feel much better. I guess each time you get toxins infused into your body, your body gets a little angrier at you. I am going to try and stay positive and remember that I am 31 and otherwise healthy and doing everything possible to save my life.