The saga continues

Last week, after getting the negative genetic results, I have been on a mission to try and figure out why I got cancer. Now no one can tell you exactly why you develop cancer but not knowing doesn't sit well with me. Trust me, I have done my research on Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and I know all the facts, this could not be sporadic. Who at 31 just gets cancer, there is a reason this happened and I have been replaying everything in my life that could have caused this to occur. I grew up, until 11, in Salem New Jersey, not the best place to grow up but not long enough around the chemicals of the power plant to cause this. I have never smoked and I don't drink. I don't have the healthiest eating habits nor do I exercise enough but at 31 I don't believe I would develop cancer from that. Everything I have read about pregnancies is if you have a baby before 35 it lowers your risk of developing breast cancer, well I had 2 babies in less than 1 year! That didn't make any sense to me either. I started looking into medications, I have always refused to take meds so I thought I was pretty good on that, the only medicine that I took religiously was Clomid, a fertility pill, I started looking into that, called the pharmaceutical company that makes Clomid and was told there was a direct link, great.

Ryan and I got married on November 8, 2003 and in May of 2004 I found out I was pregnant. A little earlier then we had planned for kids, I wasn't really excited to be pregnant at that point. Everything seemed to be going ok, morning sickness check, tiredness check, I was def pregnant. We went for our first baby appointment was told everything was on schedule and had an ultrasound scheduled. The ultrasound was scheduled for June 24, 2004, I went in the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and didn't really say anything, I didn't get to look at the screen and see a baby, nothing. I was told everything looks normal, you are 7 weeks, I was told it was too early to really see anything and sent home. Once I got home I called my doc and said I needed to be reassured, the tech really scared me. My doc called back and said the ultrasound looked normal for being 7 weeks, she said they couldn't see a heartbeat but it was still early. Thinking everything was fine we went on with our lives. July 3, 2004 started out like any other day, by that afternoon I was not feeling well. I had cramps and just felt like something was wrong, I called my OB she said not to worry that could be normal for early pregnancy, ok, what did I know, I was 24 and figured the OB knew what she was talking about. I went to bed that night still feeling bad, I woke up the next morning July 4th in pain and I knew something was wrong, I called my doc right away and was told by the on call doc that since I was now 8 weeks along I was probably having a miscarriage. I was not instructed to go to the hospital, just to "ride it out", that is a whole different blog right there. After everything happened I realized how much I really did want that baby. I was devastated and we decided to start trying again ASAP. We tried, unsuccessfully, for 1 year. At the 1 year point, August of 2005, I switched docs, and we were given the fertility pill Clomid. I was told that I could only take it for a max of 4 months because I was taking the highest dose. I was also told that taking fertility pills and NOT becoming pregnant COULD increase your chances of developing cancer later in life. I did not care, I wanted a baby. I started the pills that August and completed 4 months of emotional/mood swing hell. December of 2005 was my last go round, it was unsuccessful, no pregnancy, we were sent to a reproductive doctor, who might I add was amazing. Dr. Kovelevsky did some tests on both of us and everything was normal, no problems. We decided that since the fertility pills did not work we would move onto the next step, IUD, we were scheduled to have this procedure done on March 6, 2006. I had to to take so many different pills and shots prior to the procedure, on March 3, which is also Ryan's birthday, I went into to have some blood work done and went to work. About an hour after my blood work Dr. Kovelesky called me and said I needed to come back and get an ultrasound. I went over to his office and was told my levels were very elevated and that the pregnancy test they did was positive! How could that be? They did the ultrasound and again I was about 6 weeks, I needed to come back in a week and see if the baby had a heartbeat. That was the longest week of my life. My sister, Ryan and I went back one week later and had the ultrasound, there was a student nurse there that day and in a tiny exam room was Ryan, Mandy, the ultrasound tech, physician assistant, and student nurse. I was so nervous I could not think straight, as soon as the ultrasound began I was frantically searching the screen but I could not see anything. The tech asked "do you see that little thing that looks like rice jumping, well that is your baby's heartbeat", she turned the volume on the machine on and we could hear it. There was not a dry eye in that room. FINALLY, we were going to have our family and it happened naturally. On October 30, 2006, one day past her due date, Gabrielle Ryan entered the world. Everything was perfect, we could not have been happier. We had decided that since it took so long and was such a process that she was going to be our only one. We were not going through that fertility nightmare again, someone had other plans. Since I never really had a "regular cycle" my OB wanted to do blood work 8 weeks after Gabby was born, I went in for the blood work not ever expecting to get the call I got. The next morning, at work, my OB called and said he had my results and I was pregnant. No, I just had a baby 8 weeks ago. My exact words to him were "shut up" he started talking and I was crying. I had no clue what he was saying, now I had just gone back to work and sitting at my desk with co-workers around me thinking my husband was in a horrible accident, that is how hard I was crying. I hung up with my doctor and one co-worker said "your pregnant aren't you", I shook my head yes and she laughed! I had to call Ryan and tell him, Ryan likes to prank people, he pulled a very mean April Fools joke on me a few back that involved fake police and hospitals, it was bad. So I decided, the day before I found out I was pregnant again, to call him at work and tell him I was pregnant. He freaked, I thought it was funny. Now I had to call him and tell him I wasn't joking. It took a while to accept that fact that baby 2 would be here before Gabby had her first birthday, I was not at ease with it all until we had a 4D ultrasound done, when I saw him on the screen sucking his thumb, I felt calm. On October 4, 2007 Cole William joined and completed our family.

I never thought in a million years that 3 very short years later I would be battling cancer. I wish I could go back in time and know that the Clomid would not work, I might not be where I am right now. The hardest part for me is still nighttime and will always be Gabby and Cole. I am plagued with the thought of them not having a mommy. It is something I can not get past. It is not fair to them. Cole told me yesterday "mommy I need to tell you something" I said "ok bubba what", he said "don't cry but I really miss your hair". Of course I cried and hugged him and just said "me too". He told my sister a couple of weeks ago if he had a magic wand he would make everything "normal" again. I don't exactly know why but, round 2 has been the hardest, emotionally on me. I find myself crying every night, even after my nightly Xanax. I am so afraid of the unknown. I know that I will not be 100% at ease until I wake up from surgery and hear the doc say he got it all, the cancer is gone. I guess I just need to be reassured that the words remission and surviving still apply to me.

Today is Monday, kiddies had their first t-ball game tonight, what a great distraction for me and them. It was so nice to see them running around and being happy. I am dreading chemo number 3 on Thursday, I really am hoping and praying that this round is a little easier. After Thursday I will be halfway done with posion and one day closer to having this port removed.