Third time is a charm....right?

"Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others"-Winston Churchill

I am trying very hard to find my courage today. At noon I will be at the Helen Graham getting round 3 of TCH. This round marks the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I am a excited to be halfway done with this and put this chapter behind me. That excitement is not winning over the fear of getting this again though. Round 2 was so much worse for me then round 1 and I am fearing what 3 will be like. I have been told that the chance of having an allergic reaction, which is chest tightening feeling like you can not breathe and becoming hot and red, is a lot less if not behind me now, I will never go in there confident that the reaction will not happen. I am actually fearing this more and more each time. My anxiety is at an all time right now which makes me afraid that it will show its ugly head while getting treatment. I will be medicated for it but sometimes it figures out how to show up anyway. I have a lot of questions to ask my poor doctor today, good thing I have worked there for 6 years and the people are used to my over the top anxiety.

I am at a crossroads with what to do surgery wise, I have found out some pretty interesting information involving drastic surgery, mastectomy, vs a simple lumpectomy and how there is no real evidence one is better than the other medically. The mastectomy is an anxiety reducer but it means more surgery, for the implants, a hospital stay, and a physical loss. I just right now am feeling like I have put my body through so much and if having a lumpectomy is just as good why not give my body a rest. I am still doing radiation after surgery anyway so why take them off if it is not 100% necessary and does not offer me a greater benefit of not having a recurrence. I trust what Dr. Misleh, my onc, has to say. He is an incredibly smart man and I feel very safe under his care and I know his opinion will be the correct one, he was the one who tried to find a way around chemo for me and told me that I really should do the chemo first so we could watch the cancer shrink and know that if it ever did come back we know what works against it. Also, shrinking the tumor would make a less dramatic surgery possible. I have so many questions about the side effects I experience and if they are going to continue to get worse and last longer with each treatment, why new ones popped up last time. I also just need his reassurance that all is going to work out ok.

It doesn't help my nerves or emotions that I do not sleep well the night before chemo, thanks steroids. Here is a list of what my day prior to chemo and chemo days look like;

The Day Before

12:00pm- 2 steroids
7:00pm- 2 more steroids

Drank 4 bottles of water, 1 and a half 36 oz bottles of Gatorade and 4 teas with dinner. By dinner time the steroids kick in big time and I eat A LOT, which is good considering I lost 8 lbs in 6 days last time from not eating. I can say that I have gained those 8 lbs back, so I will not get in trouble today.

Chemo Day

12:30am- bed (on the couch or recliner since I know I will be up and down all night)
2:15am- wake up (Gabby has now joined me on the recliner and Cole is on the couch with Ryan)
4:00am- fall back asleep
5:15am- up again
6:30am- still laying there waiting for Ryan to leave for work
7:00am- it hits me that chemo is in 5 hours and the tears and fears start
11:30am-Ry gets home and my babies leave with pop pop, now the tears really start, we head out
12:00pm-meet with the doc for vitals and review blood work ask my thousand questions
12:30ish-head to dreaded chemo room and get comfy in my suite, my heros and strength for the day, Dawn and LeeAnn access my port and get things going. Before chemo begins I get Ativan, Benedrayl, more steriods, Aloxi (an anti nausea med), and some saline all in the port. Then the big dogs come out, first comes Taxotere (the big dog I am scared of). He runs for about and hour and a half.
2:30ish- The taxotere comes down and the next chemo, Carboplatin goes in. This one runs for an hour I believe (by this point I am high on all the meds I have no idea what time it is really)
3:30ish- I get the third and final drug, Herceptin, this is only for half an hour. Once that finishes they flush my port with some saline, put something called heparin in there and pull the needle out.
4:30ish- we are on our way out the door.

The car ride home is always a blurr. As soon as we get home I go straight to the couch and sleep off my meds. I wake up around 6, I am not a napper, we get something to eat and hang out for the night. Now the day after chemo I get up and feel ok, I take 2 more steroids at noon and 2 more at 7:00pm, we hang out till 4:30 then I go back to the Graham to get the dreaded Neulasta shot. Once I get the shot I start feeling lousy and the flu like symptoms and hell begin. But hey at least I am alive to share my experience.

T minus 3 hours till chemo now, I am going to chug more water and Gatorade! One step closer.