Chemo is tough......I am tougher

UGH! Chemo is the devil for sure (or that darn shot the next day is). After I got round two last Thursday, I was feeling pretty good that night. I woke up Friday, still feeling good. I went into the Helen F Graham around 2pm for my 10th chest xray in 3 weeks, probably gonna get some secondary cancer from all that xray exposure! When I was getting the xray done the tech said "girl you are 31, you are too young to have to be going through this and then a collapsed lung too", I responded with "yeah I know". She asked who my surgeon was that hit my lung and when I said Dr. P she was shocked. She said she has seen a lot of collapsed lungs from another surgeons but never him. Her response to finding out who did it was "he must of had an off day", you think! She told me that her niece was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30's as well and Dr. P was her surgeon and she is now cancer free and just had a baby. She joined the long list of people that have confided in me that he is the best surgeon for this situation. It makes me sad to think that so far along my journey every person I have talked to has had a family member or someone close to them affected by breast cancer. There really needs to be better detection for this.

 After my xray I headed up to see my thoracic surgeon, Dr. Mulligan, who thinks I am insane. He came into the room and said lung looks good and he wanted to check the tube incision. He moved my shirt only to find a bandage still covering the area. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me the area is closed and healed I did not need a bandage on it, I told him the bandage makes me feel more comfortable and eases my mind that the spot will not open, why it would just magically open, no clue, this is why I drive doctors crazy. He just said whatever makes you comfortable and that I should try a band aid rather than a huge piece of gauze and tape (I have switched over to band aid). Dr. Mulligan said I did not need to return and to "call him if I ever need his services again", no thanks, gonna try and not have to experience that again.

We headed on up to the 3rd floor to see my fellow co-workers and get the dreaded Neulasta shot. This shot helps my body make white blood cells so I don't get sick but sometimes I think I would rather take my chances with bottoming out. The shot is horrible! It gives you such bone pain for a couple days, and the pain is generally confined to your legs. Which me personally, I would rather have aches and pains anywhere besides my legs, it hurts to walk and sit. I got the shot and we headed home. I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday/early Saturday in tears. I was feeling horrible. It was worse than the first time. My entire body hurt and the truck that ran me over several times last go round came back with some friends. I had zero energy, no desire to eat, and this time I was nauseous, like the morning sickness nauseous. I would see a commerical on tv for food and gag, I would take a drink of my water and gag, even the very thought of things made me gag. It was the worst. I had to take my anti-nausea pills, which they took over an hour to kick in! I was living on a round the clock pain pill schedule, I was very hopeful to wake up Sunday feeling a lot better. Didn't happen.

I could not sleep at all Saturday night. For some reason every time I would fall asleep I would be awoken 30 minutes later full of anxiety. I woke up at one point to a heart beat that was so fast I almost woke Ryan up. The sun finally came up and I woke up Ryan. I was crying, shocker, and telling him to remind me that this is worth it, I can do this. He did is job at reassuring me and I calmed down a bit. Now, this particular day was very hard for me, it was my nephew, Ethan's, 9th birthday. Ethan means more to me than I can type, the only thing I did not want was to be sick on his birthday. I have always spent his birthdays with him and I did not want to allow this to take that from me. Unfortunately, in this case it won. Gabby and Cole got to go to the movies with him for his birthday and we did have cake at my house. For some reason this was extremely hard for me. While everyone was singing to him I had to leave the room, I was trying very hard to keep it together but I did not succeed. I wanted to feel good for his day and make sure it was about him. When I went into the living room during singing, Ethan came right in after put his arms around me and said "its ok Aunt Amy, I love you". I am sure you can guess, I cried. I was crying for 2 reasons, 1) I just kept being hit with this terrifying thought this was his last birthday I was going to see and 2) I was heartbroken that I did not get to spend the day with him and that I felt lousy on his day. He is such a caring little boy and I know how hard this is for him. He told me that I did not have to buy him a present that I needed to save all my money for getting better. Ethan was the first born and I SPOILED that kid. When he was born, there was no one else that even compared to him, I  think that is why it hits me the hardest with him. I have a hard time keeping it together whenever he hugs me or I see him. I love my Ethan Tyler!

So today is Monday, 4 days after treatment 2, and I still feel yucky. Nothing like I did, just run down and a little achy. The absolute worst part to all this is the effects it has on my mouth and nose. My nose is  not bleeding this time, but it is so dry it hurts to breathe. My mouth is dry, like dry dry. It has a funky film and feeling in it and everything again is laced with aluminum foil. Water even tastes disgusting. I have found that Chik-Fil-A's sweet tea tastes somewhat normal. I would love to have sat in my living room all day and felt sorry for myself that I have to go through this 4 more times but luckily for me, my first friend, Sabrina, came over today. Sabrina and I met when we were 2 years old and had been friends our entire lives, unfortunately life changes and people grow apart and that happened to us. We got back in contact a few years ago and I am so glad to have her back in my life. She is a great person and the fact that she has really been there for me means the world to me. I love you Bina!

Could life be easier right now, absolutely. Do I wish this wasn't happening, of course. Will I beat this and  become a better person, 100% no doubt in my mind. I am a survivor not a statistic.