Being told you have cancer is hard. I am still a rollercoaster of emotions, maybe some is the chemo, I laugh one minute and cry the next. I find that more than anything I am angry. I am angry at innocent women I see walking in a store with their kids, I am angry at my husband for getting to go to work everyday, I am angry at my body for being "jacked" up and allowing cancer to happen, I am agnry I have to fight to live, I am angry I had to end up with a collapsed lung, I am just angry. I want this all to be over. I want to be reassured that I am going to beat this. I know in my heart I will beat this but there is still that little voice that creeps up and reminds me that cancer is unpredictable, cancer has a mind of its own. It is so hard to stay positive when you just don't feel like yourself.
When I was pregnant with both my kids I was sick, I mean sick. I couldn't eat, I had no energy, I hated everything about the first 18 weeks of both pregnancies. That horrible feeling is back, except this time I don't walk away with a baby. Cancer itself takes so much away from you, then you are given the lovely chemotherapy and that takes even more away. I went into this ready to fight but I did not realize I was going to be fighting this hard. I am hoping it gets easier from here, I am hoping that these past 2 weeks have been so hard because of how much I had to go through.
The mental aspect of all this has to be the worst.
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