Family and friends

There are some areas in life where I consider myselfy unlucky, pretty sure you can figure that area out, and other areas where I feel like the luckiest person alive. I have an amazing husband who I am so furtunate to have. None of this can be easy on him either and yet he never shows any signs of being scared, upset, tired, or frustrated. He has re-arranged his life so he can be by my side every step of the way, he truly is my strength right now and I would not be able to get through this without his love and support. On the nights that I can not sleep, which are often, he sleeps in a recliner in the living room while I lay on the couch and watch TV all night, I am sure the recliner is not comfy but he stays there. He works all day and comes and takes care of me and the kids. He definitley deserves a medal or maybe some Phillies tickets in his near future.

My babies, where do I even begin? I know every parent thinks that their children are the best and the brightest but, I can honestly say that my kids are those things. They are dealing with so much right now, stuff that a 3 and 4 year old should not even know about let alone deal with it. Cole has the ability to make me laugh when I feel like crying, he will look at me and stare for few seconds then come up with some off the wall knock knock joke or goofy dance that he just made up. He also knows when mommy doesn't feel well and he will grab mr.yellow and mr.baseball, his blankies, and come sit next to me on the couch and just stay as long as I do. He constantly is telling me he loves me and that mommy will be ok. He is the piece that completed our family 3 years ago and he is the humor and compassion that will get me through this. Gabby, oh Ms.Gabrielle, my girl is way too smart for her own good. My heart actually aches for her at times. Cole is a boy, he is silly and he doesn't really take things seriously. Gabby she is in tune with what is going on around her and she picks up on things way too easily. Gabby, only 11 months older, really gets what is happening. We tried to shield her from what the actuality of this was but we did not succeed. She told me one morning "Mommy, I know you have cancer, are you going to die", that was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard. I told her mommy was going to be sick for awhile but that I was going to get better and NO mommy is not going to die. I felt heartbroken and like I was lying to her, I know I will not die from this but that fear is constantly with me. When I am scared, days like today since I am getting chemo at noon, or times when I can't fight the tears back she will sit next to me hold my hand, tell me everything is going to be ok, don't be scared, and she will cry with me. No 4 year old should be dealing with what she is dealing with. I try my hardest to walk away when my emotions consume me but she seems to have figured out that when I leave the room I am probably crying. Gabby has a gift, she has a big heart and she hates to see people sad or sick, she also says things to make you feel better about a hard situation. She told me today, we have both been up since 4:00am, that she can't wait for me to sick this weekend cause she wants to make me food and be my waitress. We have told them both that once mommies cancer is all gone we are going to get on a plane and go to Disney World. This seems to be a good distraction for them, when I can tell their little heads are spinning or when they start to get emotional, I just go to the Disney World site and we start planning. I am glad this is happening now when they both don't fully understand what is happening and when they can stay home with me everyday and not have to be in school dealing. They will bounce back from this, I just wish they never had to experience it.

My sister, my bff. I not only have the best husband and kids but I have an incredible sister. She too has been there with me everystep of the way. She even got a cancer ribbon tattoo on her wrist for me, that says a lot, no one ever thought my sister would get a tattoo. I have 4 tattoos and she has never been impressed by them and now she joined the club. She listens to me when I need to vent about how angry or sad I am, she will just sit and watch tv if I want, she is an amazing big sister and I am glad I have her to go in this journey with me. I know my sister is a strong person but I have always believed that I am a little stronger than her, I am glad that it was me and not her. I know I can deal with this but I would not be able to deal if it was her. I need my big sister and I would not be able to see her go through this

Friends, WOW! That is all I can say, I have always been the "loner", not really needing or wanting to be a part of a big friend circle. I have been blown away by the support and love I am getting from friends, it has ranged from concern, prayers and love from current friends to friends that I have not spoken too since high school. It just goes to show that no matter what you think of people or what may have happened in the past to seperate friends but you will always care about one another deep down. It also goes hand in with the other friends, you find out through hard times who real and true friends are. I can honestly same that when it comes to friends and people who are supporting me I have the best of the best.

I am now going to get up and get my day going and get pumped to go kill some cancer this afternoon. Even though that plan sounds postivie and up beat in reality, I will cry and be scared until the moment Dawn gives me my roofies in the chemo room! YAY for mind erasing drugs :)